ManyDissapoint Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 In a bit of an ethical pickle. I am good friends with the ex girlfriend of my cousin. Said cousin is also a very big part of my life. About 6 months ago she started a relationship with a new man and has moved country to be with him. Recently she visited back here in our country and she has admitted to me that she slept with my cousin again. She also admitted to drunkenly sleeping with another person before she initially moved country to be with her boyfriend. The whole thing rubs me the wrong way I hate it. She is rationalizing her actions with typical horsepoop logic - her boyfriend will never find out, it doesn't matter much because she already has slept with my cousin many times so it's not like it's a new person, their sexual attraction is just too strong, that things are going to be different in the future when she actually falls in love with her boyfriend. Has anyone been in a similar position? It's not strictly my business and I don't really know their relationship dynamic in full. They're not an open relationship but she's told him he can sleep with other women too. Just a bunch of confusing crap to me when my personal modus operandum is pretty vanilla - no cheating period. Sucks. The whole thing makes me feel bad because I've been cheated on and it's devastating. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 I have been in a similar position, only worse. The friend was married and cheating on her husband serially. It was awful. She was a very good friend of mine at the time. We were quite close. After a time, though, I felt like I was colluding with her by not telling her husband. He wasn't my cousin. Just a dude that I didn't even like that much, but still... Your cousin is family. She is a friend. If it were me, I'd distance myself from her and tell her that I don't want to hear any more about what she's doing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 When my friend was doing it, I didn't really care because she was a good friend to me at the time. Was it wrong? Sure, but it's her business and her mess to deal with. Her next boyfriend ended up cheating on her so I believe everybody gets what's coming to them and hopefully they learn from it and become a better person. As long as she's a good friend, who cares? You probably have family members who have cheated on people but you wouldn't cut them off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Ya my friend was cheating on her hubby(ONS) There were a few times I was put into a compromising situation when her husband called me out to see what I knew. I just played dumb. I never did get an apology from her. All I got was her saying "I just can't help myself...." I kept my mouth shut because there was no point in getting involved in that mess. Whatever was going on with them, they needed to figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 There's no way I'd remain friends with such a person. I'd ask my cousin if he knows she's got a bf and is bragging about cheating with him. Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 I would tell your cousin. If you don't you are enabling her behaviour and are betraying him just like she is. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 I would tell your cousin. If you don't you are enabling her behaviour and are betraying him just like she is. It was my understanding that she is cheating with the cousin, rather than on him. Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 (edited) Original post kind of confusing. Need more coffee. Edited September 12, 2016 by doyathinkso 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 (edited) Ya my friend was cheating on her hubby(ONS) There were a few times I was put into a compromising situation when her husband called me out to see what I knew. I just played dumb. I never did get an apology from her. All I got was her saying "I just can't help myself...." I kept my mouth shut because there was no point in getting involved in that mess. Whatever was going on with them, they needed to figure it out. I can see you not wanting to expose the affair on your own. However when the BH came to you for the truth and you lied to him. So sad. So wrong. This BH needed help. The truth would of enabled him to fight the affair or dump his WW. Instead you lying just prolonged his pain by keeping him in limbo. Yes he was needing the truth. As you said he needed to figure it out. He needed your help. Asked you for it and you refused. Edited September 12, 2016 by road 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 I can see you not wanting to expose the affair on your own. However when the BH came to you for the truth and you lied to him. So sad. So wrong. This BH needed help. The truth would of enabled him to fight the affair or dump his WW. Instead you lying just prolonged his pain by keeping him in limbo. Yes he was needing the truth. As you said he needed to figure it out. He needed your help. Asked you for it and you refused. Every situation is different so it is not so cut and dry. She has been my friend since we were 2 years old. She is like a sister to me. BTW they did split up for awhile, decided to work on their problems and now they have been happily married for over 10 years. If I had said anything it would have hurt a lot of people, destroyed my relationship with them, and her family (they are my friends as well). I would have looked like the bad guy even tho it seems to be the right thing to do. So until you find yourself in my shoes, you just don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 until you find yourself in my shoes, you just don't know. Well I can tell you what I would have done. I wouldn't have dished the dirt, but I would have "taken the 5th". That way I would not have broken any trust, I could tell my friend that I didn't say anything, but I would not have made myself an accessory to an affair either. And if he had half a brain he could read the truth from my silence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Every situation is different so it is not so cut and dry. She has been my friend since we were 2 years old. She is like a sister to me. BTW they did split up for awhile, decided to work on their problems and now they have been happily married for over 10 years. If I had said anything it would have hurt a lot of people, destroyed my relationship with them, and her family (they are my friends as well). I would have looked like the bad guy even tho it seems to be the right thing to do. So until you find yourself in my shoes, you just don't know. Did this BH ever find out that this WW was having an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Well I can tell you what I would have done. I wouldn't have dished the dirt, but I would have "taken the 5th". That way I would not have broken any trust, I could tell my friend that I didn't say anything, but I would not have made myself an accessory to an affair either. And if he had half a brain he could read the truth from my silence. I never lied....where is it that I gave him a BS story?! I just told him I didn't know anything (which was true in a way) or I told him the truth she left to go to a party without me because that is all I knew. In fact I never knew any details of what she did, but I suspected what she what up to. It was a friend of ours that gave me some insight later. And it wasn't an on going affair, from wha tI was told they were flings...how many? I have no clue. TBH I couldn't provide any proof because I never witnessed it. I never saw her making out with anyone, nor did she ever say "cover for me..." Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 My brother did the same thing, he had an affair on his GF. My brother lived with me at the time. I never met or saw the other lady, but he did tell me details. I gave him s hit, and told him to I wasn't going to cover for him, that he better stop....don't involve me. His girl friend figured it out in no time. She got upset at us for not saying anything, but then realized, it's my brother, he is family. BUT if it was the other way around, and his GF was cheating you bet I would have said something. The moral of the story is, you tend to protect those who are closest to you no matter what. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 I never lied....where is it that I gave him a BS story?! I just told him I didn't know anything (which was true in a way) or I told him the truth she left to go to a party without me because that is all I knew. In fact I never knew any details of what she did, but I suspected what she what up to. It was a friend of ours that gave me some insight later. And it wasn't an on going affair, from wha tI was told they were flings...how many? I have no clue. TBH I couldn't provide any proof because I never witnessed it. I never saw her making out with anyone, nor did she ever say "cover for me..." Did that BH ever find out? Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Ah, humanity at it's best. If they are good friends or family, let it be. If anyone else, RAT on them. No wonder our political leaders (and adults) today behave the way they do. Nothing ever our business unless it affects us PERSONALLY and DIRECTLY, or we just want to hate. Cousing or family or no, I would have told her, w/o any confusion, how wrong she was and that I could not promise that I could keep things quiet. Then she'd have to make a serious decision right then and there. It is appalling that a friend, relative would flaunt such atrocious behavior, compromising you and whatever beliefs you have. I can't help but wonder if people share such discretions to help "share" their guilt or skewed behavior knowing that the person they tell would not do the right thing or remain quiet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soul_searcher Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 Don't get involved cause u can't really help 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 Don't get involved cause u can't really help How is telling the BH not going to help? It will stop the BH from being abused for it will end the affair and recover the marriage. Teach the BH that you can not ignore red flags in the future. Allow the BH the decide it is best to end his marriage. Your position will only allow the abuse to continue. Allow the for the BH to eventually get a STD from the OM courtesy of his loving WW. Best if allowed to go on long enough to let the BH be played for the biggest loser of all. Have him become a cuckold and raise the OC and all of the money. Not just the prenatal and birth, childhood, high school years, college, first car, help with the down payment on the first house, if OC a daughter then throw in the cost of the wedding. Then the gift of the OC never ends for more time and money then gets spent on the grandkids from the OC. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 (edited) Did that BH ever find out? Yes!!!!! The girl my brother was seeing, turned into a fatal attraction and harassed his GF, stalked her, etc. She knew something was up before hand, but couldn't prove it at the time. My friend's husband eventually caught her in the act. I never knew about it until much later from another source. Same deal, he knew for quite sometime she was cheating, and again just couldn't prove it. They all ended up working through the infidelity and all are happily married. They put it behind them, with out me intervening. I even witnessed workplace affairs, I just kept my mouth shut. I know things will eventually come to the surface anyways, and they did. Now there is nothing wrong with confronting the cheater and telling them that you know, and give them a piece of your mind. That in itself can make them stop. Edited September 14, 2016 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
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