CatcherintheRye Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 It wasn't an issue to me at first. We broke up after he ghosted me about the beginning of December. We started talking again at the end of February. We hung out, he spent money on me as if we were dating, he slept over, etc. We did this for about 5 months before he asked me to be his girlfriend again. I felt so secure because he could have had anyone or played me or not come back to me at all, yet he did. I made the mistake of asking him about the things that happened after the breakup though. I knew that about two weeks after we broke up, his ex added him back on Facebook. Then a picture surfaced of them together. He told me he had kissed her, but only recently did I ask more about it. He initiated a lot of makeout sessions with her but he still says he didn't go farther than that. He took her on a lot of motorcycle rides, which she apparently initiated. I just can't get over the fact that he added her and was hanging out with her so soon after our breakup. Was it a rebound? He told her we started talking again, to which she said he was an idiot for doing so apparently and it caused a lot of drama, so he dropped her and their whole friend group I guess. He deleted her on Facebook and untagged himself from the picture. It seems like he used her to take his mind of off me and then dropped her (from what he says) as soon as we started talking again. I just can't get over the fact that he was with her so soon after the breakup. His Snapchat score skyrocketed and it's tearing me apart because I bet he was Snapchatting her. He made the decision to make out with her. It was his idea. I just can't get over it and I'm scared it's going to cause problems. Advice on letting go of the past? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
juniorrocha Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Hey you, I would be more concerned about the fact he ghosted you before. What for? Have you guys discussed it? What were the reasons? Do you know them and would you like to share them with us? But back to your issue: you guys were broken up. The moment it was done, he was free to do whatever he wanted, including seeing other girls. And so were you. So, technically, he didn't do anything wrong. It's understandable that you're not comfortable with the situation, but in order to make things work, you have to let it go. And there's nothing I can do or say that will make that happen; you'll have to accept it if you want to avoid problems in the relationship. Understand that he was free to do that, since he had no compromise with you anymore. Let it go. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 (edited) She wasn't the rebound. You were. He most likely reconnected with the Ex and might have wanted to see if there was a future ....there wasn't. Now he's back with you. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not. Depends on how you look at it Edited September 12, 2016 by aileD 3 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 I think you both just ignored the real issues, didn't have the hard talks and address the elephant in the room. Instead you both rug swept the problems and concerns because makeup to breakup dating situations thrive in the reconciliation honeymoon phase and once that settles down you see the same insecurities, issues, confusion and past are still right there. You needed to ask him about everything at the very start of you beginning to talk again. Not now, THEN so you could make a healthy informed choice as to whether he was still someone you can trust. Mark my words you likely will not last. A guy yo yo-ing between 2 exes is not a great sign. He was never single again to work on himself or improve, he just wants a void filled no matter how that's gotta happen. If you broke up today, bet he would call her straight away. I don't feel this will end well, it isn't healthy, you just missed him and we're so relieved he came back that you forgot the disrespect of the ghosting and his sudden reconnection to his ex that he likely was in touch with all along. I'd end it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatcherintheRye Posted September 12, 2016 Author Share Posted September 12, 2016 Hey you, I would be more concerned about the fact he ghosted you before. What for? Have you guys discussed it? What were the reasons? Do you know them and would you like to share them with us? But back to your issue: you guys were broken up. The moment it was done, he was free to do whatever he wanted, including seeing other girls. And so were you. So, technically, he didn't do anything wrong. It's understandable that you're not comfortable with the situation, but in order to make things work, you have to let it go. And there's nothing I can do or say that will make that happen; you'll have to accept it if you want to avoid problems in the relationship. Understand that he was free to do that, since he had no compromise with you anymore. Let it go. We did discus this and he said he broke up with me because he was sick of the fighting. I did ask if he broke up with me for his ex, who coincidentally came back from her mission right around our breakup. He said that was definitely not the case. We've worked on our issues, which was mainly just communication, and we're a lot more open now. I'm just having trouble letting it go... I know it's the past and he didn't owe anything to me. Even so, it's just bugging me that he went to her, even if it was just for comfort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatcherintheRye Posted September 12, 2016 Author Share Posted September 12, 2016 (edited) I think you both just ignored the real issues, didn't have the hard talks and address the elephant in the room. Instead you both rug swept the problems and concerns because makeup to breakup dating situations thrive in the reconciliation honeymoon phase and once that settles down you see the same insecurities, issues, confusion and past are still right there. You needed to ask him about everything at the very start of you beginning to talk again. Not now, THEN so you could make a healthy informed choice as to whether he was still someone you can trust. Mark my words you likely will not last. A guy yo yo-ing between 2 exes is not a great sign. He was never single again to work on himself or improve, he just wants a void filled no matter how that's gotta happen. If you broke up today, bet he would call her straight away. I don't feel this will end well, it isn't healthy, you just missed him and we're so relieved he came back that you forgot the disrespect of the ghosting and his sudden reconnection to his ex that he likely was in touch with all along. I'd end it. [] I asked for help LETTING. GO. OF. THE. PAST. [] Edited September 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content Link to post Share on other sites
AT15 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 It seems like he went through a hard time after the death of his friend and went back to his ex because she was pre death of his friend. The heart searches to heal in strange ways. I'm not the expert on judge of character, but what's in the past is in the past. You can't change it. Build something better than the past relationship. So, I guess what I'm saying is let it go. My greatest advice on building a better relationship is to encourage his best characteristics. Show him how these characteristics please you. Guys love a positive reaction to what they do well. Encourage his best qualities. Focus on the positive 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Did a little cleanup and it appears the main advice sought is, in this reconciled relationship, letting go of the past. Let's work that. Thanks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CatcherintheRye Posted September 12, 2016 Author Share Posted September 12, 2016 (edited) It seems like he went through a hard time after the death of his friend and went back to his ex because she was pre death of his friend. The heart searches to heal in strange ways. I'm not the expert on judge of character, but what's in the past is in the past. You can't change it. Build something better than the past relationship. So, I guess what I'm saying is let it go. My greatest advice on building a better relationship is to encourage his best characteristics. Show him how these characteristics please you. Guys love a positive reaction to what they do well. Encourage his best qualities. Focus on the positive Thank you. I appreciate it. I've brought this up to him and he encourages me that I mean the world to him, things would have been different if he knew we'd talk or be together again, and that I am his future and no one else. I as a person have a hard time letting go of resentment. It takes a very long time and if I'm not constantly making an effort to ignore it, it causes issues in my relationships and I'm worried about that.. It's just a character flaw of mine. I'll try to be positive. I dated and made out with a lot more people than he did so I'm not a saint - I just feel betrayed because it's his ex. In a weird way, id feel better it was a random girl. I know it's not my place, he just welcomed her back into his life pretty much as SOON as he broke up with me. He denies to this day that it was done because of her though. He was just sick of fighting. I appreciate the advice. I already knew he deals with his emotions in weird and borderline unhealthy ways. I guess I should have expected something. Like that to happen. He's told me before he hangs onto people because they were there for him during hard times. But you are right, the past is the past. I'll try meditating on that or something. Edited September 12, 2016 by CatcherintheRye Link to post Share on other sites
AT15 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 It's easy to bail. But some of the strongest relationships are built from overcoming things like this. I'm not saying take his ****, lol. You can't ignore your feelings. But, he isn't responsible for your holding on to the past. Do you trust him? Are you scared he might leave again? If those are fears, face them. Good, bad or indifferent you will learn from this experience. Link to post Share on other sites
juniorrocha Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 We've worked on our issues, which was mainly just communication, and we're a lot more open now. I'm just having trouble letting it go... I know it's the past and he didn't owe anything to me. Even so, it's just bugging me that he went to her, even if it was just for comfort. It's nice that you've worked on your issues, 'cause only then your relationship can continue growing. A big part of relationships is knowing we're all human and we're always learning. As long as one keep improving for the other one, then I can only see good things coming. As for his ex, try to see her as someone who showed up at the "right time". He's obviously interested on you, not her, else he wouldn't be trying. If you must, talk to him about this issue and try to find a solution together. We don't control our feelings so I'm not gonna say you're the problem, although you certainly need to let this in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
AT15 Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 There is a good book that I am reading by Byron Katie "I need your Love. Is that true?" This book helps reframe your thinking around your desire for "validation" from your partner. Neediness can and will kill a relationship. You've already accepted him back into your life, now you want to make sure you are confident in that decision. Link to post Share on other sites
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