Emotional affair, Opposite sex bes friends, out of Control Jealousy?

[Foreverever421]

It has been half a year since my wife asked for a divorce. My life has been like a dream since then. All I wanna do is get better and forget about the ordeal. I am much better, I can't say I am not bothered by what's happening. Apparently, she has signed the papers and is saving for the advice of her attorney. Once she has enough saved up, she will proceed with the divorce.

 

 

About a year ago, my head was a mess. Filled with conflicting, suicidal thoughts and negativity. Now, my head is pretty much blank, like it is trying to erase past and existing data to makeroom for new input. A strange feeling really. In retrospect, perhaps I overreacted,was too sensitive, too jealous. Perhaps if I hadn’t reacted the way I did, mymarriage would still be intact. I guess I will never know for sure. Whateverhappened, happened, so I should learn to accept the fact that she no longerloves me and my marriage is over.

 

 

I have always been careful with opposite sex friendships in order not to mislead, create misunderstanding or to arouse jealousy in my other half. If I ever suspect someone is into me, even if I am wrong, I back off until I feel that it is ‘safe’ to be friends with her again. But I guess I have been wrong all my life. Maybe someone can offer some insight on all this

 

 

Anyway,this is what happened:

 

 

It all started when some dude told a mutual friend oftheirs that he thought he had a shot with my wife. The mutual friend relayedthe message to my wife and she allegedly gave him an earful, and told him thatif he valued their friendship, he’d better get that out of his head.

 

 

A few months later, someone posted a Valentine’s message in the local paper for her. While there is no way I can ascertain that it was him, given the proximity between what was said above and the posting, I suspectit was him. Then came her birthday, and he bought a dress for her. So naturally, I was pretty upset about it and all these questions just popped in my mind: Why would he buy her a dress? How did he know her size? Why would she accept it? Isn’t a dress too personal for a friend?

 

 

Then came the daily text exchanges, the occasional phone calls. Sometimes, she would answer the calls with me around, sometimes she doesn’t. Once he rang and asked my wife to distract him from his pain, while he was on his way to the hospital cos he just cut his hand by accident.

 

 

I was not accusing her of anything, I only asked her to stop replying his texts cos she was giving out mixed signals. Not only to him, but to me as well. She would reassure me, saying that there is not a chance she would fall for him. He is annoying, and she can’t stand him attimes. But she would also say things like, he is a nice guy, caring, sweet, understand and detail oriented. I didn’t know what to believe. I wanted to believe she was faithful and that I was so lucky to have her, but when her words were inconsistent and her actions contradicted her words, it was hard tofigure anything out.

 

 

Yes, I was jealous and I didn’t like the feeling one bit. I felt tormented. In my state of confusion, I even asked her point blank if she wanted to be with him. She denied it. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I was beside her watching her playing some game on her phone onenight, and the guy texted her something about a parcel that arrived at thehouse that morning. I saw the empty box by the door, but I didn’t know what was in it or who actually bought it. It just seemed like he knew more about herlife that me. So I confronted her again, and all hell broke loose. She lost it and yelled at me, saying that if I didn’t have a female friend who texted me every day, that was my problem, and if I was so fixated on that guy, then maybe I should marry him instead.

 

The pain has subsided somewhat. I feel silly and petty now. She is not answering my calls or reading my texts. I feel like writing hera letter to apologize for the drama I caused. But wait a minute, am I solely to blame for this fiasco? Did my jealousy get out of hand? It did in a way. Butit was triggered, no? Some guy came onto my wife, and I was supposed to be fine with it?

 

 

Any advice?

Edited September 12, 2016 by Foreverever421

[PegNosePete]

Yes, I was jealous

No, I don't believe you were. Jealousy is when you covet what someone else has. Your wife was acting inappropriately and building feelings and a relationship with another man. It is not jealousy to call her out on that, it is protecting and guarding your relationship.

 

The fact that she responded with anger rather than communication and understanding, says a lot.

 

am I solely to blame for this fiasco?

You are not to blame at all. You didn't cause any drama, she was the sole cause. Some guy came onto your wife, she accepted and welcomed it, you called her out, and she chose to throw away the marriage rather than work on it.

 

Any advice?

Yes, stop feeling guilty and stop blaming yourself for your wife's decisions and life choices. Don't write a letter and don't apologise. Apologise for what? She is the one who should be apologising to you!

[Lois_Griffin]

So she told you a year and a half ago that she wants a divorce, and you're STILL living together a year and a half LATER?

 

Jesus. Time to make the bleeding stop.

 

The ONLY reason you're not divorced yet is because she hasn't saved up enough money for a lawyer. That doesn't mean you should continue living together and pretending to be married when it's clear the marriage is over and she's moved on emotionally.

 

Why anyone would CHOOSE to wallow in this dysfunction for a year and a half with NO end date in sight - only because they're lacking the funds to pull it off life support - is beyond me.

[Foreverever421]

So she told you a year and a half ago that she wants a divorce, and you're STILL living together a year and a half LATER?

 

Jesus. Time to make the bleeding stop.

 

The ONLY reason you're not divorced yet is because she hasn't saved up enough money for a lawyer. That doesn't mean you should continue living together and pretending to be married when it's clear the marriage is over and she's moved on emotionally.

 

Why anyone would CHOOSE to wallow in this dysfunction for a year and a half with NO end date in sight - only because they're lacking the funds to pull it off life support - is beyond me.

 

 

Half a year ago. No, we are separated. I could file, but was told not to. If she wants out, let her do it.

 

 

I'm slowly getting better, doing what I can to recover. Gym, runs, martial arts, work...

 

 

See if I will get any better

[stillafool]

You can't help your emotions but I think since the marriage is over you shouldn't be jealous because she will be dating other guys so what difference does this guy make?

[road]

You wife has been cheating on you for a long time. At this point go NC/no contact with her and file for divorce.

[smackie9]

I believe she was projecting guilt when she lost it on you and turned blame. If she really loved you she would had expected counseling and work on the marriage.

 

I think she just wanted to find an excuse to get out of the marriage without looking like the bad guy.

[Foreverever421]

I believe she was projecting guilt when she lost it on you and turned blame. If she really loved you she would had expected counseling and work on the marriage.

 

I think she just wanted to find an excuse to get out of the marriage without looking like the bad guy.

 

 

 

I suggested counselling, she wasn't responsive to that.

 

 

Understand that I wasn't accusing her of a PA, but it sure felt like an EA, considering the frequency they were texting one another.

 

 

I had a problem with:

 

 

1) his Valentine's message to her,

2) the dress,

3) and the daily exchange of texts.

 

 

Her explanations/arguments to the above were:

1) How do you know it was from him? (it was anonymous)

2) He's more observant than you (when asked how he knew her size);

I don't mind if any of your female friends buy you clothes, they are helping me save money indirectly; You are being petty;

3) I don't see why I can exchange texts with my girlfriends but not with a guy friend; he doesn't have other friends; he's like that; If you don't have any female friends texting you on the daily, it is your problem, not mine! How is that a problem if the feelings are not reciprocated?!

 

 

 

 

Maybe I was controlling, emotional abusive, overly jealous.... whatever her friends say I am. I don't even know if they knew the guy was texting her everyday. And I wasn't the only one who could sense that he was into her.

 

 

Let's just assume that she was telling the truth about the unrequited feelings, I still think texting multiple times on a daily basis was intrusive on his part. Her replying him was only encouraging his behaviour. If he was so obnoxious, why put up with his crap at all?

 

 

Maybe I made a terrible mistake when I asked a friend of hers if there was anything going on between my wife and the guy. I didn't ask her straight out. She was talking about something else, and I saw the opportunity to slip in, so I did. This friend told me she could sense that the guy was into my wife, but she was probably just responding to his texts to be nice. And this same friend was two faced about it, she later told my wife I had been asking questions about the guy and her, and my paranoia was probably due to me having cheated on her.......... That sure went well...

[road]

I suggested counselling, she wasn't responsive to that.

 

 

Understand that I wasn't accusing her of a PA, but it sure felt like an EA, considering the frequency they were texting one another.

 

 

I had a problem with:

 

 

1) his Valentine's message to her,

2) the dress,

3) and the daily exchange of texts.

 

 

Her explanations/arguments to the above were:

1) How do you know it was from him? (it was anonymous)

2) He's more observant than you (when asked how he knew her size);

I don't mind if any of your female friends buy you clothes, they are helping me save money indirectly; You are being petty;

3) I don't see why I can exchange texts with my girlfriends but not with a guy friend; he doesn't have other friends; he's like that; If you don't have any female friends texting you on the daily, it is your problem, not mine! How is that a problem if the feelings are not reciprocated?!

 

 

 

 

Maybe I was controlling, emotional abusive, overly jealous.... whatever her friends say I am. I don't even know if they knew the guy was texting her everyday. And I wasn't the only one who could sense that he was into her.

 

 

Let's just assume that she was telling the truth about the unrequited feelings, I still think texting multiple times on a daily basis was intrusive on his part. Her replying him was only encouraging his behaviour. If he was so obnoxious, why put up with his crap at all?

 

 

Maybe I made a terrible mistake when I asked a friend of hers if there was anything going on between my wife and the guy. I didn't ask her straight out. She was talking about something else, and I saw the opportunity to slip in, so I did. This friend told me she could sense that the guy was into my wife, but she was probably just responding to his texts to be nice. And this same friend was two faced about it, she later told my wife I had been asking questions about the guy and her, and my paranoia was probably due to me having cheated on her.......... That sure went well...

 

 

 

There is no husband that would not have a problem with the things the OM and your WW did.

 

 

Controlling is the tactic WW's use when the BH is making it hard for her to keep her affair a secret and continue seeing the OM.

 

 

You have no blame in her affair. That is all her decision.

[Foreverever421]

There is no husband that would not have a problem with the things the OM and your WW did.

 

 

Controlling is the tactic WW's use when the BH is making it hard for her to keep her affair a secret and continue seeing the OM.

 

 

You have no blame in her affair. That is all her decision.

 

 

 

I wouldn't go to the extent to call it an affair. But to be friends with someone who is so clearly into her, especially when it gets that close, I am not cool with that. She kept saying she would tell him off if he ever crossed the line..... Where exactly was the line? Does it really have to become physical before it starts to hurt?

 

 

It is ridiculous people think that you actually have to be inside a burning building to get burned, just being close and long enough will get you there.

[smackie9]

Sorry but it take two to tango. She wasn't cast under his spell and stole her away from you....she is an equal participant. If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. Like I said she was looking for an excuse to get out.

[Foreverever421]

Sorry but it take two to tango. She wasn't cast under his spell and stole her away from you....she is an equal participant. If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. Like I said she was looking for an excuse to get out.

 

No, she wasn't.

 

 

But, they are just best friends...... Sorry, I don't believe in putting one's friendships above one's marriage.

 

 

Anyway, time to retreat to my little corner and start licking my wounds. I guess the biggest human weakness is that we see the flaws in others, but not in ourselves. Sigh.... she will be fine. As will I.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your input!

[Alamo657]

No, she wasn't.

 

 

But, they are just best friends...... Sorry, I don't believe in putting one's friendships above one's mariage

 

 

Thanks everyone for your input!

actually They were not "best friends". He was an orbiter who wanted to bed her, he disrespected your marriage by pursuing your wife, and she knowingly let him do it under the guise of friendship.

 

The only thing you could have done is scare him away from your wife instead or expecting her to do it for you.

Edited September 13, 2016 by Alamo657

[Foreverever421]

actually They were not "best friends". He was an orbiter who wanted to bed her, he disrespected your marriage by pursuing your wife, and she knowingly let him do it under the guise of friendship.

 

The only thing you could have done is scare him away from your wife instead or expecting her to do it for you.

 

He should have known better than to go for a married woman, and she should have kept her distance. Maybe she was telling the truth about the feelings not being mutual, but still..... was it really so hard to not reply his messages? Beats me. I believe in self control, I should not have had to do a damn thing.

 

 

Nvm, time to clear my head for the impending court hearing. I'm a disease, she will be much happier and at peace without me.

[Alamo657]

He should have known better than to go for a married woman, and she should have kept her distance. Maybe she was telling the truth about the feelings not being mutual, but still..... was it really so hard to not reply his messages? Beats me. I believe in self control, I should not have had to do a damn thing.

 

 

Nvm, time to clear my head for the impending court hearing. I'm a disease, she will be much happier and at peace without me.

 

Wrong, she is the diseased one, a woman in a marriage craving for the attention of another guy who wants to bang her because it makes her feel good. YOU will be better off.

[road]

I wouldn't go to the extent to call it an affair. But to be friends with someone who is so clearly into her, especially when it gets that close, I am not cool with that. She kept saying she would tell him off if he ever crossed the line..... Where exactly was the line? Does it really have to become physical before it starts to hurt?

 

 

It is ridiculous people think that you actually have to be inside a burning building to get burned, just being close and long enough will get you there.

 

 

Because you do not know it and can not prove it does not mean this was never an affair.

 

 

Years of seeing life I am inclined to think the worst has happened based on what you have said and that based on that too many times I seen WW's involved in the same story as yours was doing the OM behind the BH's back.

[Foreverever421]

Wrong, she is the diseased one, a woman in a marriage craving for the attention of another guy who wants to bang her because it makes her feel good. YOU will be better off.

 

 

She denies she is seeking his attention. She said she was different from other women. While i cannot speak for her, i know i am only human. I am flattered when approached by other women, i don't flirt with them though. I walk away. I only need the validation of one woman. Guess now, i can only rely on my own validation.

 

She has been cheated on before, so she insisted she wouldn't do the same to me. Don't know. Too much ambiguity.

[Foreverever421]

Because you do not know it and can not prove it does not mean this was never an affair.

 

 

Years of seeing life I am inclined to think the worst has happened based on what you have said and that based on that too many times I seen WW's involved in the same story as yours was doing the OM behind the BH's back.

 

I have seen a lot as well. People getting pissed off just seeing their spouse hanging out/being too close with members of the opposite sex, whether or not sex was involved, they then proceed to copy what their spouse does, and it all goes down hill from there. Pretty picture, ain't it?

 

I feel hurt, she feels accused. She is people person, i am more reserved and aloof. I don't wanna assume anything, i just want the pain to stop. It's not, so i have no choice but to walk, and get my sanity back.

[aliveagain]

Friend, something was going on. What kind of sicko puts an add in a newspapers for another man's wife? What kind of wife accepts something as personal as a dress from a man that isn't her husband? I would have taken a video of me burning it in the back yard and posting it on Facebook so he could see it. She's stroking you because all she had to do was shut him down once and none of this sh*t would be happening.

[bubbaganoosh]

Your big mistake was when it first started to put a halt to it and when that dress came I would have told your wife to either give it back or wear it while she's packing her suitcases because she wouldn't be there if she refused.

 

Then I would have found him and given him final notice that he better take it someplace else or run the risk.

 

Should have put this to rest a while ago.

[Foreverever421]

What kind of sicko puts an add in a newspapers for another man's wife? What kind of wife accepts something as personal as a dress from a man that isn't her husband? I would have taken a video of me burning it in the back yard and posting it on Facebook so he could see it. She's stroking you because all she had to do was shut him down once and none of this sh*t would be happening.

 

Ironically, a 'sicko' whose ex gf allegedly cheated on him. Someone who doesn't know the pain of a divorce is multiple times more excruciating than the pain of a breakup. BTW, I have no evidence he posted the message, I am just assuming.

 

 

As for acceptance of the dress, no idea. I have never given anything wearable to or received from a good female friend. Maybe I am weird in my own ways. To me, a wearable gift means, 'I want to touch you, I want to be close to you.'

 

 

Your big mistake was when it first started to put a halt to it and when that dress came I would have told your wife to either give it back or wear it while she's packing her suitcases because she wouldn't be there if she refused.

 

Then I would have found him and given him final notice that he better take it someplace else or run the risk.

 

Should have put this to rest a while ago.

 

In all honesty, I admire your aggressiveness. However, I don't usually threaten others. I am not saying it is more 'honourable', it is just the way I am. Was my lack of action cowardly? Some people will think so.

 

 

Having said that, I did think about having a word with him. But I thought about it backfiring, so I didn't.

 

 

My wife did make an effort to introduce him to me, I already had a bias against him by then. It was awkward, I found myself glaring at him. When he left, she fumed while shaking a finger at me, 'If you want to make it awkward .......' (then it's your problem)

 

 

Anyway, it's too late to do anything now. I will heal. Whether I will find love again, I will let nature take its course.

 

 

Let's just ASSUME here that my wife didn't/doesn't have the slightest feelings for him and that nothing physical has happened:

 

 

1) Were boundaries crossed?; (I believe so)

2) Was that emotional cheating, even if the feelings TRULY weren't reciprocated?

[Timshel]

Forever, your wife has placed a higher value and commitment to maintaining this friendship than on maintaining your marriage.

What ever her true relationship with this guy is, this fact alone speaks volumes and is really all you need to know.

 

You can't do a marriage by yourself...it takes two and you are minus one.

I know that you are hurting but she is not willing to be your wife and all that entails....let her go.

[Foreverever421]

Thanks, Timshel. Taking baby steps towards recovery. Too many other issues between us, anyway. The demise of a relationship is always rough, regardless of the cause. Forcing it to work would probably do more harm than good.

 

Just that i keep remembering the night before we signed our marriage cert, we saw an old couple strolling, hand in hand, and she asked, 'Will that be us?'

 

Guess not...

 

Thanks all for your time.

[BluesPower]

Foreverever421 - I am not sure that you are understanding what some of us are saying. Maybe you are and I am just not getting it through your posts.

 

smackie9 may be right about a reason the exit the marriage.

 

But, there is little doubt that your wife was having an emotional affair with this guy. She may not have slept with him, but I am guessing that she did and for a while.

 

Even if she did not, which is highly unlikely, she was totally disrespecting you and your marriage. I'll be you $100 that she is still sleeping with him.

 

You may never know the truth, but this situation is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, she was totally out of line in every way.

 

You need to realize that and stop beating yourself up...

[Alamo657]

Foreverever421 - I am not sure that you are understanding what some of us are saying. Maybe you are and I am just not getting it through your posts.

 

smackie9 may be right about a reason the exit the marriage.

 

But, there is little doubt that your wife was having an emotional affair with this guy. She may not have slept with him, but I am guessing that she did and for a while.

 

Even if she did not, which is highly unlikely, she was totally disrespecting you and your marriage. I'll be you $100 that she is still sleeping with him.

 

You may never know the truth, but this situation is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, she was totally out of line in every way.

 

You need to realize that and stop beating yourself up...

 

I don't think it was physical the way he describes it, i think it was rather a typical case of a shaky relationship where one person seeks attention and validation from an external source, and build resentment toward his/her partner for not being able to provide it.

 

In time it all grows out of proportion, as both people grow appart because they don't accept what the other is doing, or not doing, and close all doors.

 

You don't need to cheat physically to create those sentiments, and i don't think she did.