Emotional affair, Opposite sex bes friends, out of Control Jealousy?

[BluesPower]

Alamo657 You may be right, but I not sure.

 

My experience says that when a woman is texting back and forth, and they are in close proximity to one another then they are sleeping together.

 

I don't know if it matters in this case. I think it is most important for OP to not blame himself. If she was doing all that, she was on her way out anyway.

[Try]

But, they are just best friends...... Sorry, I don't believe in putting one's friendships above one's marriage.

She is not "putting one's friendships above one's marriage". She is putting this other man (OM) above you because they are not just friends. That is why she is so determined to divorce you over him. This OM said that he thought that he "had a shot" at your wife, and he was proven right. The minute that this OM started talking about taking a shot at your wife, he became an enemy of your marriage and of you, and you had the right to demand that they no longer be friends, much less "best friends". Out of respect for you and your marriage, she should not have remained friends with someone that was so willing to disrespect you and your marriage as he openly took his shot at her.

 

By not immediately putting an end to the friendship after learning that he wanted to take a shot at your wife, you allowed this enemy of your marriage the ability to gain traction with her and for him to determine when the right time to make his move was. It may be too late this time, but learn from this for your next relationship. Many couples have boundaries against having opposite sex friends (OSF). Those marraiges that do have OSF have a basic boundary that you cannot have an OSF unless that OSF is a friend of the marriage.

Edited September 14, 2016 by Try

[Marc878]

I wouldn't go to the extent to call it an affair. But to be friends with someone who is so clearly into her, especially when it gets that close, I am not cool with that. She kept saying she would tell him off if he ever crossed the line..... Where exactly was the line? Does it really have to become physical before it starts to hurt?

 

 

It is ridiculous people think that you actually have to be inside a burning building to get burned, just being close and long enough will get you there.

 

You're in denial. It's at least an EA and if they had contact a PA. I wouldn't wait for her to file I would do it now.

 

A marriage us girls two not three. Your wife has no boundaries. Standing by and letting this happen is on you.

[Foreverever421]

 

smackie9 may be right about a reason the exit the marriage.

 

 

Not sure about 'a reason', there were probably other reasons as well, such as our different spending habits, styles of parenting, etc. She didn't state any of those, though. She said I was emotionally immature and abusive (for asking her to not reply him. I didn't yell); dictating who she can or cannot be friends with; I was beyond help, as I was still talking to her siblings about her friendship with the guy after she initiated the separation; she was disappointed in me, and I broke her heart because I didn't trust her; I doubted her loyalty; I was toxic, and she needed to get me out from her life; I was driving her psychotic. And I was there thinking, 'You seriously think I am toxic, and not him?! You and him are driving me psychotic!'

 

 

Her siblings did say they didn't agree with how she conducted herself around this guy, and how her behaviour was misleading, but they didn't think she was into him. Couldn't say the same about the guy though.

 

 

Funny thing was that my parents in law didn't think there was anything wrong with her being good friends with someone who was interested in her, who texted her multiple times a day. It still baffles me to this day, how different people can view the same situation in so many different lights.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think it was physical the way he describes it, i think it was rather a typical case of a shaky relationship where one person seeks attention and validation from an external source, and build resentment toward his/her partner for not being able to provide it.

 

In time it all grows out of proportion, as both people grow appart because they don't accept what the other is doing, or not doing, and close all doors.

 

You don't need to cheat physically to create those sentiments, and i don't think she did.

 

 

Alamo, thanks for that. I joined this forum to vent, learn and share. There is a reason I haven't told my friends in real life about what happened. I don't want to create gossip and let it spread. She is still my wife, until divorce, and I feel the need to protect her name.

 

 

While I will never know if she has cheated on me physically, I think boundaries were crossed. It just felt wrong, it felt like they were already dating one another. Was I supposed to turn a blind eye to it and let it slide? If it had been someone else's wife, the guy would probably have been hospitalised!

 

I think it is most important for OP to not blame himself. If she was doing all that, she was on her way out anyway.

 

Thanks, BluesPower. But I'm still here asking myself, if I hadn't let my jealousy overwhelm me, would things be rosier now? It has been months, I am still puzzled, how different people could interpret the same situation so differently. My life has been a mess and it feels like a romance movie gone wrong! I get sick, and throw up literally, when some of my married friends brag about their extramarital conquests. I minimize my time with these guys. It just seems like the whole world is killing one another in secret.

 

 

The minute that this OM started talking about taking a shot at your wife, he became an enemy of your marriage and of you, and you had the right to demand that they no longer be friends, much less "best friends". .

 

 

My sentiments exactly. I did demand, she kept defending herself. Whether she was defending her freedom/right, friendship/relationship ... unfortunately, only she knows.

 

 

I believe in boundaries as well. I am acutely aware of my own thoughts. I know when I find other women attractive, and I keep my distance. If I have to talk to them, I keep it as formal as possible.

 

 

learn from this for your next relationship.

 

 

When my first gf fell for someone else, I told myself, the next one would be better. I dated a few girls before I met my wife, and when I did, I thought she was the one. Now this? Not sure about a next relationship. Seems like I have an uncanny way of effing things up.

 

Your wife has no boundaries. Standing by and letting this happen is on you.

 

Lord knows I have tried explaining things to her. She said she doesn't fall easily. I proceeded to tell her she didn't think she would fall for me initially either. Even if she wouldn't fall for him, she was still misleading him. It was brushed off. She thought I was being tyrannical, being a broken record. She said the guy knew where he stood, to which I replied, 'Where do I stand?' Was I supposed to lock her up?

 

 

She insisted it was all in my head. While I can't ascertain if she felt anything for him, I most definitely didn't imagine all the texting, the dress, and the ad. And I didn't imagine he had feelings for her, as it was affirmed by others as well. I was overwhelmed by confusion and jealousy to the point where I considered ending my life. Guess what she said? 'Get some professional help for your future partner'

 

 

Sounds like a movie? Sure does. But that was real.

[BluesPower]

Look, I understand how you feel. In time I think you will understand.

 

Your soon to be x wife has played you like a fiddle. She was/is having an affair (EA/PA) with her "Friend". You are in denial about all of it.

 

You did nothing wrong. Read through the infidelity forum, everything she did was textbook for a cheater. This is not your fault.

 

You did nothing wrong in any way. In a marriage a husband or wife has every right to say, "I want you to end contact with this male friend".

 

You just need to understand what happened and don't let it happen again.

 

Everything she told you was a lie from start to finish.

 

I know that you don't believe this, in time, hopefully you will come to understand.

 

Good luck....

[road]

 

Her siblings did say they didn't agree with how she conducted herself around this guy, and how her behaviour was misleading, but they didn't think she was into him. Couldn't say the same about the guy though.

 

 

Funny thing was that my parents in law didn't think there was anything wrong with her being good friends with someone who was interested in her, who texted her multiple times a day. It still baffles me to this day, how different people can view the same situation in so many different lights.

 

 

 

 

See the hand writing on the wall.

 

 

You can not only see that she cheated on you with the OM but how she told lies and tore you down in front of her family. There was no way they would be willing to admit to themselves how dirty their daughter/sister was behaving.

 

 

You are not even seeing the wall.

[Try]

Not sure about 'a reason', there were probably other reasons as well, such as our different spending habits, styles of parenting, etc. She didn't state any of those, though. She said I was emotionally immature and abusive (for asking her to not reply him. I didn't yell); dictating who she can or cannot be friends with; I was beyond help, as I was still talking to her siblings about her friendship with the guy after she initiated the separation; she was disappointed in me, and I broke her heart because I didn't trust her; I doubted her loyalty; I was toxic, and she needed to get me out from her life; I was driving her psychotic.

You should be sure of the reason. From what she said to you, she is leaving you because because she does not want to give up her relationship with the other man that she knows is taking a shot at her.

 

Funny thing was that my parents in law didn't think there was anything wrong with her being good friends with someone who was interested in her, who texted her multiple times a day. It still baffles me to this day, how different people can view the same situation in so many different lights.

Stop talking to her family. They are going to want her to be in their lives, and they know that you will not be after the divorce.

 

There is a reason I haven't told my friends in real life about what happened. I don't want to create gossip and let it spread. She is still my wife, until divorce, and I feel the need to protect her name.

Hogwash!! You have a right to tell the truth and let the chips fall where they fall. Your silence is you enabling her dishonest version of what happened to be the version everyone else believes. If she is doing nothing wrong, she should not be afraid of the truth coming out. If you do not speak up now, it will be too late later. I never understand why some people believe that they owe their cheating spouse and the person they are cheating with silence.

 

It just felt wrong, it felt like they were already dating one another. Was I supposed to turn a blind eye to it and let it slide?

Dating is spending time with someone that allows both of you to determine if they would be a potential romantic mate. Most dates do not include sex and many do not include even kissing. It felt wrong because it was wrong for her to be dating someone that she knew was taking a shot at her. Married people are not suppose to date others, it is part of the deal when you agree to be monogamous. Sex or no sex, dating while married is cheating.

 

Thanks, BluesPower. But I'm still here asking myself, if I hadn't let my jealousy overwhelm me, would things be rosier now?

Your problem is not that you were too jealous, as you have a right not want your wife to date a man that admits that he is taking a shot at her. Your problem is that you did not demand that she stop seeing this guy or you would file for divorce. You stood by and complained, while you let him gain traction until she picked him over you.

 

My sentiments exactly. I did demand, she kept defending herself. Whether she was defending her freedom/right, friendship/relationship ... unfortunately, only she knows.

Bull, you both know the truth. Every cheater says that they want the freedom to pick their own friendships when, you, she and her boyfriend all know that they are more than just friends. And when they publicly start dating after the divorce they will falsely claim that they only got romantic after the divorce. This is all right out of the cheater's script. Standard cheater's speak. Edited September 15, 2016 by Try

[Foreverever421]

You should be sure of the reason.

 

Doesn't seem like it matters anymore. I'm cast out. If she is happier without me, whether she is now with him or not, I wish her well. She can explain to the kids when they are old enough, why daddy can't be with them. They can then figure out how they are going to live their lives.

 

 

Stop talking to her family. They are going to want her to be in their lives, and they know that you will not be after the divorce.

 

 

That's a given. They did try to convince her into counselling with me. So I have to give them credit for that. She already decided, no luck.

 

 

 

Your silence is you enabling her dishonest version of what happened to be the version everyone else believes. If she is doing nothing wrong, she should not be afraid of the truth coming out.

 

 

How about this? Her friends said if I thought she liked the guy or was going to leave me for the guy, then I must not understand her at all. She did call one of my siblings after she initiated the separation saying that I didn't understand her. She was giving everyone mixed signals, and she expected me to 'understand' her?

 

 

 

Dating is spending time with someone that allows both of you to determine if they would be a potential romantic mate. Most dates do not include sex and many do not include even kissing. It felt wrong because it was wrong for her to be dating someone that she knew was taking a shot at her. Married people are not suppose to date others, it is part of the deal when you agree to be monogamous. Sex or no sex, dating while married is cheating.

 

 

To be fair, I have been out with other women as well. But as soon as I thought something was amiss, even if I was wrong, I walked. I decided years ago, it seemed shady to be seen hanging out with a woman who wasn't my wife, so I have stopped doing so since then.

 

 

 

Your problem is that you did not demand that she stop seeing this guy or you would file for divorce. You stood by and complained, while you let him gain traction until she picked him over you.

 

 

I did demand. I already stated her reasons for wanting to continue her friendship or whatever the hell it was in my previous posts. Maybe you are right, I should have looked him up and told him to back off.

 

when they publicly start dating after the divorce they will falsely claim that they only got romantic after the divorce. This is all right out of the cheater's script. Standard cheater's speak.

 

She said if I didn't believe her innocence, then I could wait and see if they are together after the divorce.

 

 

And if she really, truly doesn't have any feelings whatsoever toward the guy, I still think posting a message for a married woman was crap, so was the dress and the constant texting.

 

 

Anyway, it doesn't really matter now, does it? If I have to step in every time some a-hole shows interest in her, I would be fighting endless battles.

 

 

The goal now is to recover, make some money, get buffed, stay sane, and hope that a Kate Middleton lookalike will like me.

 

 

Thanks, again for your input. I really appreciate it.

[JS84]

Who told you not to file?

[Foreverever421]

Friends. The reason being me filing as opposed to her filing has a different implication.

[Rockdad]

My opinion only. Either One or Both parties actually do not want a divorce for whatever reason or it could have been done already. It maybe as simple as someone isn't done fighting yet, who knows. Money is an excuse. If she doesn't have the funds there is nothing stopping the OP for paying the bill.

 

I ought to know, I lived the dream of going through a divorce and payed the ex's expenses.

[JS84]

Friends. The reason being me filing as opposed to her filing has a different implication.

 

You should probably get the advice of a divorce attorney (free consultation if you can) and not listen to your friends. Even on marriage forums whether SI, Loveshack, or TAM the general consensus seems to be the one who files first tends to have the advantage.

[Foreverever421]

Yes, i could offer. Guess i am still struggling with myself. I keep reminiscing the good times, trying to find answers how it went wrong, asking myself if i was too dramatic. All the what ifs, could have beens, should have beens. What happened to in sickness or in health, for richer or poorer? What happened to til death do us part? What am i going to tell the kids when they are grown? Too late to be asking these questions now, i know. Can't help it though.

 

She is done, that's for sure. She said she felt accused. So i am not filing as it is similar to putting an innocent person on death row. Having said that, it did hurt like hell when she was spending that much time texting him.

 

JS, i have spoken to an attorney. Her advice is to jointly file so the process will be cheaper. As for the advantage that you speak of, she will be given custody of the kids and i have no intention of asking her for the money i have invested in the house. A family and a decade lost just because some fool decided to pursue a married woman? The only 'pro' i see is that i am free to date other women. Problem is, i don't think i want to put my heart on the line again.