Alien husband during his affair...

[Cloudcuckoo]

I came to understand that my husband had become completely alien during his affair. He was unrecognisable as the man I had fallen in love with and married. Had he been introduced to me at say, a party with friends, I would have found him disgustingly self absorbed!

 

I battled for a lengthy period over this, and how I managed to squash all that subconscious alarm right down there, until I was physically and mentally incapable of sustaining it and was forced to confront those alarm bells and find out why they were ringing so loudly!

 

Has anyone else found their other half to have been a completely foreign body to them during their affair? What did you do? How did you live with it? How long before you wanted to face the whys?

 

None of us, not wives, husbands, other women, other men, children, family get away without scarring from the fallout of affairs do we?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Has anyone else found their other half to have been a completely foreign body to them during their affair? What did you do? How did you live with it? How long before you wanted to face the whys?

 

During my wife's affair she became very cold and distant. She wouldn't engage with me in any fashion. She would avoid me. I was traveling for work but when I was home she would alter her work schedule to avoid being home with me.

 

I was patient and understanding at first. I thought it was depression. Then she made me cancel a week-long vacation that we had planned. (We booked the vacation before her affair started). We spent the holidays together living in a thick soup of tension.

 

After the holidays I started traveling again and told her something along the lines of "I don't know what's going on with you, but you better have this sh! figured out by the time I get back from my trip." I was actually contemplating divorce solely on how she was treating me during her affair. She broke off the affair soon after I made that statement to her. Things at home were getting too out of hand for her to continue the affair without something blowing up.

[Cloudcuckoo]

During my wife's affair she became very cold and distant. She wouldn't engage with me in any fashion. She would avoid me. I was traveling for work but when I was home she would alter her work schedule to avoid being home with me.

 

I was patient and understanding at first. I thought it was depression. Then she made me cancel a week-long vacation that we had planned. (We booked the vacation before her affair started). We spent the holidays together living in a thick soup of tension.

 

After the holidays I started traveling again and told her something along the lines of "I don't know what's going on with you, but you better have this sh! figured out by the time I get back from my trip." I was actually contemplating divorce solely on how she was treating me during her affair. She broke off the affair soon after I made that statement to her. Things at home were getting too out of hand for her to continue the affair without something blowing up.

 

I remember saying something very similar (it was my husband who travelled for work and away for months at a time) to you betrayed,about sorting himself out or he could shove it where the sun doesn't shine!

 

Like you, I had reached the point of being sick of his vile behaviour toward me. I just wasn't listening to those alarm bells telling me there was MORE at the time..

 

Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing!

[Arieswoman]

Cloud cuckoo,

You may find this from the Infidelity Help Group very enlightening as it explains "character change";

 

Affair Fog Theory: Character Change - Infidelity Help Group

[ShatteredLady]

I actually refer to my H as Mr Alien when he was in the 'state' of his affairs!

 

Mr Alien was mentally & emotionally abusive. I've been changed, forever changed as a person. How can you love & know someone all of your life & not know them at all?

[ShatteredLady]

Aries. That article was VERY interesting for me!! I expected it to say quite the opposite!!

 

I've started threads here before, trying to understand if my H's changes were normal. Most replies use common words like "yes, he became distant, cold". I mean MORE than that! I've wracked my brain to find, even the most subtle character traits that could be amplified into Mr Aliens behavior. Some, yes! The worst of it? Big NO!!

 

I wish I could post photographs here! My soft, gentle hippie, computer geek husband cut his hair off, became a gym 6 pack person, re-named himself "The Golden God" as he stood over me, small & naked while he berated me for my sexual skills. He left me for hours in places I couldn't get home from. In the end a complete stranger handed me the card of a secret abused women's shelter after observing us for 10 minutes in a shop!!

 

Everyone we knew, friends & family, described him as the kindest, most gentle, supportive guy.

 

Maybe living in a foreign country allowed him the 'escape' of completely reinventing himself???

 

When I recently reminded him of something particularly nasty that he did to me he clearly had zero recall & I caught him crying after.

 

.....or (following that article) am I just making the 'mental' excuse?

 

I've believed that he had to kick me into the gutter to allow himself to do something that every cell of his body knew was wrong. He denies this! Maybe he's correct????

 

Reading that gives me even more to think about in detail.

 

Could he keep his 'real self' hidden for over a decade at a time? Is Mr Alien or The Golden God (God help me!) my REAL HUSBAND??

 

This is frightening!

[road]

During my wife's affair she became very cold and distant. She wouldn't engage with me in any fashion. She would avoid me. I was traveling for work but when I was home she would alter her work schedule to avoid being home with me.

 

I was patient and understanding at first. I thought it was depression. Then she made me cancel a week-long vacation that we had planned. (We booked the vacation before her affair started). We spent the holidays together living in a thick soup of tension.

 

After the holidays I started traveling again and told her something along the lines of "I don't know what's going on with you, but you better have this sh! figured out by the time I get back from my trip." I was actually contemplating divorce solely on how she was treating me during her affair. She broke off the affair soon after I made that statement to her. Things at home were getting too out of hand for her to continue the affair without something blowing up.

 

I don't remember your story how did you find out.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I don't remember your story how did you find out.

 

I didn't discover her affair. She broke off the affair and rug swept it. She planned on taking it to her grave but she confessed everything 8 years later.

[heartwhole]

I think in most cases the affair is a symptom of undesirable personality traits and coping mechanisms, not the other way around. But definitely during an affair when someone says, "Eff it, I'm just going to do what I want," their undesirable personality traits get hopped up on steroids due to feeding the beast.

 

Absolutely my WH was more selfish and more negative during the affair, but it's not like he's a completely selfless and positive person the rest of the time. It's too much of a simplification to say that the angel becomes a devil due to infidelity. Likewise, just because I've been cheated on doesn't mean I'm an angel with no flaws.

 

Moving past infidelity requires taking a good hard look in the mirror and recognizing what traits of yours led you down this road. Then you can make an effort to change habits and become a better version of yourself.

[BuddyX]

While on surface I might agree with the "Alien cheating theory" there is no excuse for infidelity. My EX kept on saying "It's not who I am". "It felt like a body out of experience".

 

And I say BS to all of that. You mean to say, You sat down for hours texting him and sharing media messages but I'm supposed to believe it was "someone else"?

 

Give me a break. It's called accountability and responsibility. Telling you it was "someone else" is a cop out and gutless.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Cloud cuckoo,

You may find this from the Infidelity Help Group very enlightening as it explains "character change";

 

Affair Fog Theory: Character Change - Infidelity Help Group

 

I am inclined to agree with some elements of this article Aries, thankyou for sharing it.

 

some events really do bring out the worst (or best) in a person.

 

I can say that my husband is not the person he was at the time of his affair. No longer the gargoyle I slept beside during that time, which is just as well, as a kick in the balls might have been necessary! Hahaha!

[wmacbride]

Aries. That article was VERY interesting for me!! I expected it to say quite the opposite!!

 

I've started threads here before, trying to understand if my H's changes were normal. Most replies use common words like "yes, he became distant, cold". I mean MORE than that! I've wracked my brain to find, even the most subtle character traits that could be amplified into Mr Aliens behavior. Some, yes! The worst of it? Big NO!!

 

I wish I could post photographs here! My soft, gentle hippie, computer geek husband cut his hair off, became a gym 6 pack person, re-named himself "The Golden God" as he stood over me, small & naked while he berated me for my sexual skills. He left me for hours in places I couldn't get home from. In the end a complete stranger handed me the card of a secret abused women's shelter after observing us for 10 minutes in a shop!!

 

Everyone we knew, friends & family, described him as the kindest, most gentle, supportive guy.

 

Maybe living in a foreign country allowed him the 'escape' of completely reinventing himself???

 

When I recently reminded him of something particularly nasty that he did to me he clearly had zero recall & I caught him crying after.

 

.....or (following that article) am I just making the 'mental' excuse?

 

I've believed that he had to kick me into the gutter to allow himself to do something that every cell of his body knew was wrong. He denies this! Maybe he's correct????

 

Reading that gives me even more to think about in detail.

 

Could he keep his 'real self' hidden for over a decade at a time? Is Mr Alien or The Golden God (God help me!) my REAL HUSBAND??

 

This is frightening!

 

He sound sike he has some issues and needs help navigating through them.

 

In my fws case, he really did have mental health issues and these were not confined to his affair.

 

I still remember finding him in the bathroom, staring at his face in the mirror as if he didn't recognize who he was. he made comments about wanting to end his life - though at the time, I didn't recognize them for what they were-and he even stared sleeping on the floor by our bed. he;d scream in his sleep and reach out for my hand.

 

Combat PTSD s a real b@tch.

 

A similar situation happened to a friend of mine, Her husband, who worshiped the ground she walked on, started seeing an escort when he got back from deployment. He'd been wounded, and she thought the change is his behavior was because of that. It finally came out when she walked in on him in their home- she'd come home ealry from work, and found out what he'd been doing. the odd thing is he hadn't been asking the escort for sex, she'd overheard him sobbing and telling her things that he'd seen, and saying he couldn't talk to his wife about it, as that would hurt her.

 

It was a really awkward moment, but to her credit, the escort spoke to my friend and told him just how bad off her husband was and that she needed to get help for him now.

 

I know that sounds really weird, but it happened.

 

the point is that each ws ( man or woman) is different. Some have mental health issues, some have poor boundaries, some want to be as ugly as they feel, and some are just jerks.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think in most cases the affair is a symptom of undesirable personality traits and coping mechanisms, not the other way around. But definitely during an affair when someone says, "Eff it, I'm just going to do what I want," their undesirable personality traits get hopped up on steroids due to feeding the beast.

 

I also found this to be true. Those aspects of my ex-wife's personality that I might have initially described as challenging - conflict-avoidant, moody, tendency to rationalize - became dominant during the affair.

 

If you're paying attention, probably a good sign real trouble is on the horizon...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

My husband took on traits of his APs.

 

First one was SO not his type. Face piercings, liked heavy metal music, desired to be a dominatrix, etc. He all of a sudden dressed different and started listening to music he hates.

 

Last one was all innocent and God fearing, JW in a cult like situation. My husband hates religion due to a childhood situation. All of a sudden he was "studying the bible". He HATES traveling, especially to places with weird animals and bugs. But he told her he would consider moving to PR with her.

 

Like really?

 

They are definitely aliens. They may seem inticed or excited for a while but how long can that be sustained?

[BuddyX]

My husband took on traits of his APs.

 

First one was SO not his type. Face piercings, liked heavy metal music, desired to be a dominatrix, etc. He all of a sudden dressed different and started listening to music he hates.

 

Last one was all innocent and God fearing, JW in a cult like situation. My husband hates religion due to a childhood situation. All of a sudden he was "studying the bible". He HATES traveling, especially to places with weird animals and bugs. But he told her he would consider moving to PR with her.

 

Like really?

 

They are definitely aliens. They may seem inticed or excited for a while but how long can that be sustained?

 

They're all little children who forgot to grow up. It's a fun toy this week. Ohh something shiney, ill try that instead.

 

You think an employer would tolerate that behavior? One agenda one week. Opposite agenda the following week.

 

It's called discipline. Some of these WS need to become responsible for their actions.

[aileD]

It just speaks to the fog.

 

H's x-AP was so different from him and he totally abandoned or took a break from his "real life" when he was with her. More than the normal stuff, like me and the kids..will stay on topic with the OPs alien theme. But he abandoned his hobbies, his interests, stuff he spent so much time on. He'd talk to me about that stuff. She wasn't compatible with how he wanted his life to be in reality. Yeah she's a good talker, listener, strokes his ego but she wasn't interested in the things he was....and he seemed to forget all that.

 

But when he came home, he said it was kind of like a relief. That he could get back to reality and future plans and hobbies and WHO he is. He said the dawned on him the one time they went out with her friends. They all speak Spanish. Sure they speak English too, but they didn't. They all spoke in Spanish and he was completely uncomfortable. He was the only one who only spoke one language. He didn't fit with their culture.

 

The Fog is real. We always called it the bubble. When he was in the affair bubble the outside world didn't exist. But you can't live in that forever, and once the bubble starts to leak and reality seeps in little by little....it gets harder to ignore it.

[ladydesigner]

Well in my case the mask slipped and I saw who he really is. Can't really put the mask back on again.

[jenkins95]

Excellent thread.

 

During my A, I became an alien too. I would be quiet, distant and disinterested at home over the weekends. Going through the motions, saying 'yes' and 'no' in the right places, painting on a fake smile if I had to.... Anything just to get through the days until I could get back to work - A land. I wouldn't suggest things to do, I would just follow what my family said blindly and without enthusiasm. In effect I became a zombie-fied version of myself.

 

I also had a shorter fuse and found people very annoying very quickly, but I tried not to show this - that would have aroused too much suspicion.

 

While it's true to say that this is not the person I always was before the A, and it's not the person I am now, I agree with buddy in that that is no excuse. The fact is, this is a version of myself that CAN be if I let it. I now know what I am capable of - and I don't intend to be that heartless zombie-Jenkins ever again. I was a complete pos.

 

Good luck guys

Edited September 12, 2016 by jenkins95

[Cloudcuckoo]

Excellent thread.

 

During my A, I became an alien too. I would be quiet, distant and disinterested at home over the weekends. Going through the motions, saying 'yes' and 'no' in the right places, painting on a fake smile if I had to.... Anything just to get through the days until I could get back to work - A land. I wouldn't suggest things to do, I would just follow what my family said blindly and without enthusiasm. In effect I became a zombie-fied version of myself.

 

I also had a shorter fuse and found people very annoying very quickly, but I tried not to show this - that would have aroused too much suspicion.

 

While it's true to say that this is not the person I always was before the A, and it's not the person I am now, I agree with buddy in that that is no excuse. The fact is, this is a version of myself that CAN be if I let it. I now know what I am capable of - and I don't intend to be that heartless zombie-Jenkins ever again. I was a complete pos.

 

Good luck guys

 

 

You just reminded me Jenkins, that when my husband was at home (he worked away at sea for months at a time), I would frequently ask why he was kissing me like he'd kiss his Mother!

 

some effed up sort of 'separating the little women' thing maybe (I've just got home after being with ******** I can't kiss my wife the way I've been kissing her)? Ive no idea, but that alien had definately replaced my husband.

 

It's rather peculiar the things one is reminded of....

[AlwaysGrowing]

Excellent thread.

 

During my A, I became an alien too. I would be quiet, distant and disinterested at home over the weekends. Going through the motions, saying 'yes' and 'no' in the right places, painting on a fake smile if I had to.... Anything just to get through the days until I could get back to work - A land. I wouldn't suggest things to do, I would just follow what my family said blindly and without enthusiasm. In effect I became a zombie-fied version of myself.

 

I also had a shorter fuse and found people very annoying very quickly, but I tried not to show this - that would have aroused too much suspicion.

 

While it's true to say that this is not the person I always was before the A, and it's not the person I am now, I agree with buddy in that that is no excuse. The fact is, this is a version of myself that CAN be if I let it. I now know what I am capable of - and I don't intend to be that heartless zombie-Jenkins ever again. I was a complete pos.

 

Good luck guys

 

It is Native story of The Black Wolf and The White Wolf.....which one do we feed? The choice is ours.

[seren]

My H had PTSD and Combat Stress after an incident in Iraq where he lost 2 of his men to an IED. He went 10 days without being able to wash away the detritus od the event and came home very, very different, he never spoke about it until he went for counselling and it all came out. He felt he was worthless and had let everyone down and didn't deserve to be the man I knew.

 

I used to say it was like space aliens had come along and inhabited his body. My husband was kind, gentle, funny and so, so loving. We had the poster marriage and relationship for almost 23 years at the time of the A. While it was going on he was hard, cold and so different, I suspected stress and so just worked at waiting for him to talk and return. I was battling cancer and chemo at the time and that added to him feeling he had not control and nothing to give.

 

The A was so not how I imagined A's to be. No dinners or romantic getaways, no gifts or love, just a very different thing to what we had and what I would accept. I asked if there was anyone else, he said no, I said I would walk away if it would make him happy and that I was obviously not who he needed and wanted, he almost convinced me I was imagining it all. He came home one day and told me he had been having an A and the world imploded.

 

He begged for a second chance, for me to stay, that he was truly sorry and that I deserved better. He never spoke or contacted the OW and refused to contact her to give closure other than to send an email saying it is over. Over the years bit by bit I had the truth of it and it was such a sad, destructive A. The OW contacted me to rant and shout that I was stopping him speaking to her, that she knew him and I didn't, the usual. I told her that if I lived with the man she knew and he had become then I would have sent him to her gift wrapped. I felt sorry for her as she was hurt and loved him.

 

Over the years he has struggled to reconcile himself with the man he was then, he still does and has counselling from combat stress to deal with guilt and him feeling not good enough. It is getting better, but still lingers. I can never have the man I knew back, but I have got a wonderful thoughtful, loving, laughing husband back and I so missed him for a while. He still picks me the first violets and we have changed our lives to living rurally, just me and he and the animals and we are happy. I have always and will always love the bones of this man and he me, I sometimes feel sad we have the A in our marriage history, but the phrase what doesn't kill us makes us stronger is very apt in our case. It has strengthened our relationship in that we braved the worse thing and stuck it out together.

 

I often think that had he carried on being THAT man, then I would have left and wished him well. I am glad he wasn't the same with the OW as he is with me, I am glad there was no love, but I am not so glad that anyone got hurt. However, I often think that it is almost like the man who had the A wasn't the H I know, that man I wouldn't cross the street for. Maybe if I hadn't come to understand how it was for him I wouldn't understand so well, but I do. Compartmentalising is too easy a word to explain the detachment some WS feel during the A to justify their actions and the hurt that it wreaks upon the marriage and the BS and family, without it, I shudder to imagine the sort of person who just does that and how they come through it.

[Mr. Lucky]

It has strengthened our relationship in that we braved the worse thing and stuck it out together.

 

Seren, hope he realizes and appreciates every day what he has. He's a lucky man and it's always heartening to know things do work out for some people...

 

Mr. Lucky