His ex and Facebook - Am I overreacting?

[LM85]

My boyfriend and I had a disagreement over the weekend about whether it’s ok for him to like his ex’s posts on Facebook. It sounds ridiculous even writing this but I can’t turn my brain off and wanted some people’s perspective.

 

He was with his ex for four years and they split up 18 months ago, amicably. She’s a lot older than him (10 years) and wanted to remain friends.

 

Personally, I have never stayed friends with my only two, previous ex’s, I always went no contact and then got over them and didn’t see a reason for them to stay in my life. He however has only had one serious relationship; with her. He’s never done the break-up and NC and said it was important to both of them to still be in each other’s lives.

 

The whole situation has always made me uneasy. We’ve been together 10 months now and we do love each other and have met each others family and friends and his nephew calls me “aunt” but we’ve had issues over his ex.

 

I have my own insecurities and have questioned, on occasion, whether he is over her. He tells me he is, they’re just friends - she calls him once every few weeks for a catch up, they don’t see each other etc but he did go through a phase of checking her Facebook on a daily basis (I found out when I was using his phone to show his Mother something – he was there and gave me permission – and her name was his last search, I looked further (I know, I know) and saw he was searching her name every day, sometimes multiple times a day) I was upset and confronted him and he promised he would never check her Facebook again and to my knowledge, he hasn’t. (I don’t know if he is still doing this and deleting his history or whether he’s stopped…To clarify; maybe he’s not deleting his history…I never look/snoop at his phone - her name has just never in his recent searches when he’s shown me something on his phone since we had that conversation)

 

He assures me that he doesn’t love her and wouldn’t ever get back with her. From what I have heard about her, she’s not a nice person. She began a relationship with her current boyfriend when she was still with my boyfriend, although my boyfriend had proof, he never confronted her about this, I don’t even know if she knows that he knows…She’s also treated him quite badly whilst they’ve been “friends”. In my opinion she is using him, she only calls him when her boyfriend isn’t around or her friends aren’t present and is basically treating him like a crutch when she has no-one else to turn to. I don’t see what my boyfriend gets out of this friendship because it’s all on her terms and I hate the thought of him being used by someone.

 

Anyway, On Saturday evening he liked two posts of her on Facebook (both came up on my timeline “ ‘boyfriend name’ likes this” then her posts below.

 

I’m not great at hiding my feelings so I was instantly upset and told him I don’t think it’s appropriate, given my feelings about her and their relationship. He told me that she had just done an event for charity (that he also sponsored her for) and he said he was showing support. He doesn’t make a habit of liking her posts and this is the first time that we’ve been together that he has done so. He agrees that he should have told me he liked them rather than see them on my own but doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him actually liking the posts themselves.

 

Maybe he’s right, maybe I am overreacting. As I said, it sounds ridiculous when writing this out but I can’t help how I feel and what I think I would do if I were in his shoes.

 

He came home on Sunday with flowers and apologies. He again said he is over her, doesn’t love her, loves me, wants me, told me I’m not second best to her (a fear I told him about when I discovered the Facebook stalking) but the best and he is beyond happy with us and our relationship. It was done, we stopped talking about it and I let it go.

 

This morning, I go on Facebook and see his Mother has liked her post too. A few hours later he calls me - unrelated to this - he and I talked a few minutes and he asks whether I have seen his Mum liking the post and if I am ok. I told him that’s not an issue for me and he made a silly joke about me being too sensitive. He said again that he appreciates he should have told me he liked her post it but doesn’t think he did anything wrong by liking it.

 

So my question is am I blowing this up out of proportion?

Edited September 12, 2016 by LM85
Typo's

[smackie9]

Yup you are. It's just facebook. Stop monitoring his activity too. If you want to be in a mature adult relationship you need to leave the junior high mentality behind.

[VeveCakes]

I dunno...their relationship screams boundary issues to me. Why is she so much in his life still?

[LM85]

I wouldn't say she is in his life so much, or them in each other's. Their contact is limited to her telephoning him once every few weeks for a 10 minute catch up.

 

Their relationship ran it's course and he said he doesn't trust her as a person.

 

I honestly think the "attachment" is there because she was his first relationship and he doesn't know how to let go because he's never been in this situation before.

 

I trust him, I don't think anything is going on and I don't think he is or would cheat on me with her or anyone but the situation makes me uncomfortable. I don't know if this issue is my insecurity or his behaviour.

[LM85]

Yup you are. It's just facebook. Stop monitoring his activity too. If you want to be in a mature adult relationship you need to leave the junior high mentality behind.

 

That's what I wanted other people's input on, whether I am overreacting or whether he is behaving inappropriately given my feelings on the subject.

 

I'm trying, I don't want to make an issue out of it, I certainly don't want to argue with him over it. I'm not making excuses for how I act (or maybe I am) I have issues re insecurity, trust and jealously which I am working on with my therapist so that we can have a mature relationship.

 

I think my issue is that if I knew something like this would hurt his feelings, I wouldn't do it but he doesn't seem to think the same.

[elisalynn]

I think it's pretty weird that he was checking her facebook page every day. That would definitely freak me out. I don't think liking her posts is a big deal though. It sounds like he heard you when you expressed concern and apologized and changed some of his actions in order to respect your feelings. It might be a safe time to try to let it go and just focus on him and not her. When I brought up somewhat similar jealousy issues with my ex, he just ignored it and carried on his way regardless of how I felt since he didn't think he did anything wrong. So, it's a great sign that he was okay with working with you here.

[heydad75]

HI LM85.

 

Sorry to hear about your recent disagreement. It certainly sounds like your boyfriend is open to working with you about this concern you raised. However, it does sound like it is something that really bothers you. It does not sound like you are overreacting. It is okay to set boundaries in any relationship. Is this a relationship that you want to last? Do you appreciate open and honest communication? These are some of the questions that can be asked in any relationship. You have great value and would suggest that you continue to pursue these things in a relationship.

 

Sincerely

[pteromom]

I was all ready to say it is no big deal if someone is friends with an ex on FB.

 

But then I saw the stuff about him searching her posts every day. This is outside of "normal".

 

You may be overreacting. But maybe not. I would be kind and trusting, but would keep my radar up.

[Kkristine]

It's fine to be friends with an ex, if that's all it is on both ends.

 

Checking her Facebook every day would weird me out.

 

Keep an eye on it, but don't accuse him of anything.

[BikerAccnt]

It's fine to remain friends with your Ex's, I'm friends with most of mine. Friends as in, we talk once every while, but certainly not on the regular.

 

People who have never, or would never consider staying friend with their ex, don't often understand those of us that do. Sometimes a relationship has just run it's course, and the person you've left is truly a decent human being. No need to throw the baby out with the bath water as the saying goes.

 

That said, there's usually a pretty significant break in between, to ensure feelings have mellowed, and there are no remaining attachment issues. I still talk to an Ex I lived with for 6 years (10 years ago) . I consider her a close friend. We haven't seen each other in over 1 year, and only speak every couple of weeks, usually via short emails, about something funny, or interesting that we know the other would like.

 

My most recent Ex, is not a facebook friend, the breakup was under a year ago, so, for me at the time, it didn't feel right. Though I still consider her a friend and we see each other now and again at MC Runs. I'm pretty sure in time, we'll be facebook friends again too.

 

His constantly checking up on her might be something worth keeping an eye on. I don't do that with my ex's, though I am sometimes curious as to what they are up to.

 

But again, I'm curious what some of my male friends that I haven't spoken in a while are up to, and I've been known to creep their facebook page in the event I've missed something.

 

The only reason I think this is bothering you, is there is something, somewhere, that is causing you to question/fear your boyfriends commitment to you. If that's the case, you need to discover what that is, and see if it's a reasonable fear.

[stillafool]

The fact that he was checking her FB daily and sometimes multiple times a day screams obsession to me. However, he does seem sorry he upset you and wants to do right. Do you think it really was his mother liking her on FB or do you think it was him posing as his mother. How did he know his mother liked his ex on FB so fast?

[smackie9]

He probably gets alerts, which happens the min you like someone's photo, you keep getting other alerts.

 

It's not a romantic gesture to "like' someone's picture or some quote they put up on their wall.....it's what friends do. Some people are more active on FB more so than others. So what of it. They are friends, and have moved on romantically. Relationship that end don't have to be because it was abusive, or full of issues. Sometime they just run their course and there is no more attraction to one another.

 

If you are seeing a therapist, that would indicate to me everything and anything would "hurt" your feelings, no matter what he did. I suspect any female he interacts with whether it a coworker or a girl he went to school with would send you into a tail spin of anxiety.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I can see where the OP is coming from.

 

As I was discovering my GF's EA, I was noticing her facebook "likes" and "loves" of the OM who she was in an EA with.

 

Every single f'ing post he made she would "love" it... yeah, that's boundary issues to the extreme

 

Yes, it's "only" facebook, but where there's smoke there's fire. Some people say it's ok, I don't believe it is. And in my case was one of the things that led me to believe they were "more than friends"

[JoeSmith357-1]

It's fine to be friends with an ex, if that's all it is on both ends.

 

Checking her Facebook every day would weird me out.

 

Keep an eye on it, but don't accuse him of anything.

 

So this poster hit on an excellent point.

 

Being friends IRL or "facebook friends" I think is ok

 

What's NOT ok:

- daily texts

- daily snapchats

- "liking" EVERY, SINGLE posts the OM makes (or the new "love" or other emotion thing)

- phone calls, sometimes daily

- confiding in the other person

- honestly any sort of regular interaction. If your partner is in DAILY, or MULTIPLE daily interractions with a member of the opposite sex in a social (not work related) capacity, that's NOT healthy for a relationship

[JoeSmith357-1]

It's not a romantic gesture to "like' someone's picture or some quote they put up on their wall.....it's what friends do.

 

Facebook a few months ago added several different "emotion" abilities to their user interface. One of them is a heart, or love

 

So if your SO is "loving" or "liking" someone's posts an inordinate amount of times, or, for instance, EVERY SINGLE F'ing post they make on facebook... that's not good

[frigginlost]

First off, your reactions and feelings about what you are seeing are fine. Yes, it's just a simple "like" on social media, but in all honesty, it could "mean" something. Some people see "likes" as just that; it was cool and nothing more. Others see them as an interest.

 

My ex cheated on me with an ex of hers and there was the occasional "like" on his posts that at the time raised an eyebrow with me. But, I let it go and looked elsewhere. In your case I don't really think you have to. Why? Because his actions are telling you a different story. He is not hiding it, or trying to brush it under a rug. He is open with his communication with you about it. My ex would just brush it off with no explanation other than a "he's just a friend".

 

His searching for her everyday is a little bit odd, but in my exes case, she was searching for someone everyday that I saw and it turned out it was not the guy she was cheating with. It was just a curiosity as he posted a lot of funny things, etc.

 

Take a deep breath, relax a little, and just continue to watch his actions *towards you*. Only become concerned if he starts to become defensive and or starts to try to sweep it under a rug. If he stays honest with you, all is good.

[ExpatInItaly]

Normally, I would say that liking an ex's post once in a while isn't a big deal.

 

However, when put into the context of him searching her multiple times a day and still having a phone catch-up every few weeks, it wouldn't sit well with me either.

 

I don't really get why she calls every few weeks. What about? Does she know about you?

[Space Ritual]

He was with his ex for four years and they split up 18 months ago, amicably. She’s a lot older than him (10 years) and wanted to remain friends.

 

I didn't need to read any more than this to know where this is going.

 

Look, exes are exes for a reason. Attempting to remain on friendly terms with them is difficult at best. Most of the time impossible as it is not a workable thing.

 

You can either accept it or not. No one is holding a gun to your head. If you have firm boundaries set in your mind that he continues to cross, then you would be better off dating someone else.

[Space Ritual]

Normally, I would say that liking an ex's post once in a while isn't a big deal.

 

However, when put into the context of him searching her multiple times a day and still having a phone catch-up every few weeks, it wouldn't sit well with me either.

 

I don't really get why she calls every few weeks. What about? Does she know about you?

 

 

Thanks for filling in the rest of the blanks for me. Expat...my advice remains the same, especially after learning this. Christ get rid of him. Life is too short.

[LM85]

It's fine to remain friends with your Ex's, I'm friends with most of mine. Friends as in, we talk once every while, but certainly not on the regular.

 

People who have never, or would never consider staying friend with their ex, don't often understand those of us that do. Sometimes a relationship has just run it's course, and the person you've left is truly a decent human being. No need to throw the baby out with the bath water as the saying goes.

 

That said, there's usually a pretty significant break in between, to ensure feelings have mellowed, and there are no remaining attachment issues. I still talk to an Ex I lived with for 6 years (10 years ago) . I consider her a close friend. We haven't seen each other in over 1 year, and only speak every couple of weeks, usually via short emails, about something funny, or interesting that we know the other would like.

 

My most recent Ex, is not a facebook friend, the breakup was under a year ago, so, for me at the time, it didn't feel right. Though I still consider her a friend and we see each other now and again at MC Runs. I'm pretty sure in time, we'll be facebook friends again too.

 

His constantly checking up on her might be something worth keeping an eye on. I don't do that with my ex's, though I am sometimes curious as to what they are up to.

 

But again, I'm curious what some of my male friends that I haven't spoken in a while are up to, and I've been known to creep their facebook page in the event I've missed something.

 

The only reason I think this is bothering you, is there is something, somewhere, that is causing you to question/fear your boyfriends commitment to you. If that's the case, you need to discover what that is, and see if it's a reasonable fear.

 

Thanks for your comments

 

I mentioned briefly that I am seeing a therapist to try and get to the bottom of these feelings. This relationship is the first I have had for a few years after a pretty horrible break-up with my last ex and in essence, I kinda swore off men and relationships to protect myself from getting that hurt again, so I think I'm partly out of practice and have a few trust and insecurity issues that aren't necessarily a reflection on my partner but deep seated in my past.

[LM85]

The fact that he was checking her FB daily and sometimes multiple times a day screams obsession to me. However, he does seem sorry he upset you and wants to do right. Do you think it really was his mother liking her on FB or do you think it was him posing as his mother. How did he know his mother liked his ex on FB so fast?

 

It was definitely his mother. He doesn't have access to her Facebook and I don't believe he would pose as her for any reason. His ex and his Mum are reasonably friendly still; his Mother told me that she thinks I am a better fit for him than his ex because we're closer in age, I don't have children (she did - not his though) and we're similar people.

 

I guess it just popped up on his timeline like it did mine?

[LM85]

He probably gets alerts, which happens the min you like someone's photo, you keep getting other alerts.

 

It's not a romantic gesture to "like' someone's picture or some quote they put up on their wall.....it's what friends do. Some people are more active on FB more so than others. So what of it. They are friends, and have moved on romantically. Relationship that end don't have to be because it was abusive, or full of issues. Sometime they just run their course and there is no more attraction to one another.

 

If you are seeing a therapist, that would indicate to me everything and anything would "hurt" your feelings, no matter what he did. I suspect any female he interacts with whether it a coworker or a girl he went to school with would send you into a tail spin of anxiety.

 

You're probably right about him interacting with other women would "hurt" me. This is an issue I'm trying to get past with the help of a therapist; insecurity, jealously and overthinking things to death....

 

I do trust him and I don't believe he would cheat on me with her or with anyone though. My issue with this is why do something (even as silly as like a Facebook post) if you know it's going to hurt your partner? He did apologise the next day and bought me flowers and said all the right things so, to me it shows that he is trying to consider my feelings which I think is a good sign.

[LM85]

First off, your reactions and feelings about what you are seeing are fine. Yes, it's just a simple "like" on social media, but in all honesty, it could "mean" something. Some people see "likes" as just that; it was cool and nothing more. Others see them as an interest.

 

My ex cheated on me with an ex of hers and there was the occasional "like" on his posts that at the time raised an eyebrow with me. But, I let it go and looked elsewhere. In your case I don't really think you have to. Why? Because his actions are telling you a different story. He is not hiding it, or trying to brush it under a rug. He is open with his communication with you about it. My ex would just brush it off with no explanation other than a "he's just a friend".

 

His searching for her everyday is a little bit odd, but in my exes case, she was searching for someone everyday that I saw and it turned out it was not the guy she was cheating with. It was just a curiosity as he posted a lot of funny things, etc.

 

Take a deep breath, relax a little, and just continue to watch his actions *towards you*. Only become concerned if he starts to become defensive and or starts to try to sweep it under a rug. If he stays honest with you, all is good.

 

Sorry to hear about the situation with your ex

 

He swears he doesn't search for her or her posts anymore and hasn't done for months, since we had that conversation. I have to trust him and believe him when he tells me he's stopped. I wouldn't ever check his phone and honestly, that's not the relationship I want to have, so I have to take him at his word.

 

He is always very honest, to a fault. He tells me every time she calls him and if she texts him he offers to let me read the texts (I decline) so he is being very upfront.

[LM85]

Normally, I would say that liking an ex's post once in a while isn't a big deal.

 

However, when put into the context of him searching her multiple times a day and still having a phone catch-up every few weeks, it wouldn't sit well with me either.

 

I don't really get why she calls every few weeks. What about? Does she know about you?

 

He promises that he hasn't looked at her Facebook since he and I had the talk when I discovered it a few months ago.

 

She calls him for a catch up, to talk about what she's been up to, asks him what he's been up to etc. Yes, she does know about me, he told her shortly after he and I started seeing each other. She also has a new partner who she has been with since before she and my boyfriend broke up.

[Try]

He was with his ex for four years and they split up 18 months ago, amicably. She’s a lot older than him (10 years) and wanted to remain friends.

 

Personally, I have never stayed friends with my only two, previous ex’s, I always went no contact and then got over them and didn’t see a reason for them to stay in my life. He however has only had one serious relationship; with her. He’s never done the break-up and NC and said it was important to both of them to still be in each other’s lives.

I have my own insecurities and have questioned, on occasion, whether he is over her. He tells me he is, they’re just friends - she calls him once every few weeks for a catch up, they don’t see each other etc but he did go through a phase of checking her Facebook on a daily basis

She began a relationship with her current boyfriend when she was still with my boyfriend, although my boyfriend had proof, he never confronted her about this, I don’t even know if she knows that he knows…She’s also treated him quite badly whilst they’ve been “friends”. In my opinion she is using him, she only calls him when her boyfriend isn’t around or her friends aren’t present and is basically treating him like a crutch when she has no-one else to turn to. I don’t see what my boyfriend gets out of this friendship because it’s all on her terms and I hate the thought of him being used by someone.

First, the issue is not that he likes some of her Facebook posts. The issue is that she is still in his life at all. Many couples have boundaries that completely rule out having opposite sex friends (OSF). For those couples that do have boundaries that include OSF, one of the more common boundaries is that you cannot remain friends with an ex. Thus your discomfort with him wanting to remain friends with an ex is not you overreacting, it is him having weak boundaries. In light of the fact that his weak boundaries resulted in his ex cheating on him, he should be adopting your reasonable and common "no ex" boundaries, rather than you accepting and adopting his weak ones into your relationship with him.

 

Second, based on his action he is still not over her. This is why he snoops her on Facebook, doe not confront her about her cheating, and is why she is still able to have a relationship with him all on her terms. If she did not cheat on him and leave him for her affair partner, they would still be a couple and you know it.

 

It is time that you take charge and show him what real boundaries in a healthy relationship look like. You should not let him lead you using the broken moral compass that his cheating ex gave him. Make him decide, you and healthy boundaries or her, and walk if he cannot immediately make that choice without thinking it over.