Seriously...is it healthy to dote on your spouse?

[FolderWife]

Recently, I've been praying for God to save my marriage. I think he's answered me with a yes *(God always answers prayers...just sometimes, he answers with a no)* because my husband and I are getting along fantastic right now. We are opening up and really talking about our problems with one another. It's been a real eye opener. I'm not completely blameless in our problems. The EXACT things he points out that I do to him are the things my mom did to me that made me want to get as far away from her as possible

 

We've been getting along so well lately, that I feel like a cloud has lifted off of me, and I am able to look around and see just how much I've been blessed with! I have a beautiful home! We have a great cat that we both love. I drive a fancy SUV. I work with great people every day. And now, my husband is just wonderful.

 

However, upon realizing how unbelievably BLESSED that I am, I also realized that I didn't do a thing to deserve it. God blessed me with my husband...and upon having my husband, I was given everything else...

 

Because my husband WORKS so hard.

 

He works at a job that he hates. He makes three times as much as me. So since he sacrifices, and works at a job that he hates, I get to work at my cushy desk job, making barely more than minimum wage. I work with people that I enjoy. I get the easy life.

 

Meanwhile, he's working at a job he hates, so that I can have a nice SUV, while he drives an older car. He works overtime so that I can go shopping for new clothes (he never buys himself anything...he always says that he has everything that he wants). He works twice as many hours as I do at a job that he hates, so we can have our beautiful home.

 

My paycheck would barely pay the utilities in our home. Yes I work, but I don't contribute my share. I spend more money than I make.

 

I feel like a complete MOOCH! And upon realizing this, I would lie in bed next to my husband, and rub his back, and tell him how thankful that I am for him. How that without him, I'd be living in Redneckville, probably married to a guy who still lives with his parents, and I'd probably be living with his parents right along with him. I told him that I didn't deserve a man who'd work so hard so that I could have nice things. I told him that now that I see how I'm treating him like my mom used to treat me, that I see why he does the things he did (*they resemble the exact things that I did when my mom had me under her heavy thumb*)

 

So now that I see that in spite of me doing things that push him away, he's sticking by me, and in spite of me not pulling my own weight, he's sticking by me, I love him more than I can express in words, and I thank him so much for loving me and working so hard for me. Now that I've stopped focusing on what he does wrong, and I've opened my eyes to how really great he is, I can't stop telling him how much I appreciate him.

 

BUT! From my relationships past, I know that loving someone too much gives them too much control. They will take you for granted, because they know that you need them and love them too much to leave.

 

As of late, he hasn't abused my newfound appreciation for him, but I feel like I should hold back a little bit, to avoid being taken for granted and hurt by him.

 

Someone said in a thread that I just read, "If you need someone too much, pretty soon they start to think they can get by with treating you any old way," and in my experience that is the TRUTH!

 

So while I love and adore and appreciate my husband, I feel nervous about spilling it to him. I mean, I sit and coo him, and tell him, "You work overtime, and you say it's because 'YOU'RE' selfish, but really, you aren't...you may work overtime, but you don't go out and buy yourself anything...you work overtime so that I can go out and blow the money on something frivolous." AND THAT'S THE TRUTH! However, while I want him to know how much I appreciate him, I don't want him feeling like he owns me...does that make sense?

 

So is it a good idea in your opinion to just spill how much you appreciate, love, adore, and need someone, or is it a better idea to keep it to yourself so they don't abuse you?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by FolderWife

So is it a good idea in your opinion to just spill how much you appreciate, love, adore, and need someone, or is it a better idea to keep it to yourself so they don't abuse you?

 

Isn't there a happy medium somewhere? I love being told all the appreciation stuff, but sometimes I need space too.

[alphamale]

It is not a good idea to dote too much on anyone in your life. This includes family members, kids, friends, boss, co-workers, spouses and lovers....

 

Moderation in everything is the key to a good life.

[Opium]

So is it a good idea in your opinion to just spill how much you appreciate, love, adore, and need someone, or is it a better idea to keep it to yourself so they don't abuse you?

 

In my opinion, when your in a relationship you need to express yourself in any which way you can. If you're angry you express yourself, if you're upset, sad or whatever it may be, you tell your husband. Why not tell him you appreciate him and love him? Besides all the bytchyness woman do and complaining once in a while it would be nice to remind the one you love that you're not just a phsyco woman but a wonderful and beautiful woman who loves him and is thankful she found and married a man like him.

 

People tend to only dwell on the bad things in a relationship and are constantly fighting with their SO, can you imagine if half of it, not all, is expressing yourselves to each other in a healthy and loving way. Now, to much is bad, some men and woman take that for granted, but that's for you to know. You have to know when to give and when to take. Marriage is hard but the journey is so much sweater with someone who makes you feel special all the time not just half the time.

 

Marriage isn't all rosey and cupcakes all the time but that's what makes it fun. Just don't concentrate on whether you're being to mushy or not, just enjoy the time your not arguing.

[Moose]

There is nothing wrong with showing appreciation towards your husband. As a matter of fact, it's best that you do. He's the provider, and he indentifies himself with this. Without showing your appreciation, you'll destroy it.

 

IF, or WHEN you see him taking advantage of your appreciation, that's when, and only when you should stand your ground.

 

You named off a ton of materialistic, worldly possesions that you seem to identify yourself with. That, I think, is worth more examination than how you feel towards your husband right now.

[Tony]

"Moderation in everything is the key to a good life."

 

And especially to a great Internet forum! ha!

[tiki]

Be thankful for it, but definitely continue to make up for it in other ways.

 

Cut back on your spending, tell him you appreciate him, don't take him for granted.

 

I'm so happy to see that you've found your place. Are you guys attending church? Together?

 

Stepping stones are being made for a lifetime of love. Enjoy and cherish it.

[FolderWife]

Thank you all for your opinions.

 

Ironically, it appears that the men agree that too much doting is a bad thing, while the woman that posted seemed to think that a lot of doting is great

 

Which brings another problem..I'd love it if my husband would dote on me the way I've been spilling it to my husband these past couple of weeks. However, men are way different than women. He might prefer a simple compliment or acknowledgment rather than me giving him details of why I appreciate him.

 

Tooooo complicated.

 

So on the advice of the men, I think I'm going to tone it down a little bit. But on the advice of the woman, I'm going to show appreciation as much as I show upset when he's hurt me.

 

So...it is unanimous that I need to find a happy medium where I can show that I appreciate him, without smothering him with mushy stuff.

[tiki]

Originally posted by FolderWife

I'd love it if my husband would dote on me

 

Give him something to dote about. Serve his favorite meal to him in candlelight and wear some sexy lingerie. Ah, screw that. Just dress up like a french maid and throw the man beer and pizza while you put on a show. He'll dote.

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by Moose

 

 

You named off a ton of materialistic, worldly possesions that you seem to identify yourself with. That, I think, is worth more examination than how you feel towards your husband right now.

 

Now see, I'd thought about that. I think part of the materialistic side of it is the fact that He wanted to work overtime the other day, and I realized that there was really no point. All we would do with the extra money would be waste it. It seems it would be healthier for him if he just took the day off, instead of working. Then he claimed that he liked the extra money because he was 'selfish'.

 

I accepted that. If he wanted extra money, then he should get it.

 

We got in a heartfelt discussion one day when money was particularly tight, and he expressed that he was disappointed in himself because he wants me to have everything that I want. I started to evaluate myself, and figure out why he felt that he wasn't already giving me everything that I want.

 

I tried to express to him that he DID give me EVERYTHING that I want already, and that he doesn't have to work all the time to give me more...I'm already happy.

 

And on that note, I started to realize that I am happy, and that I do have everything. And then I realized that I don't deserve all this stuff that I have. If it all burned down, I'd still be happy as long as I had him and his love. On the same note, however, I'm truely thankful for all the material things that I have as well as the love and friendships that I have.

 

I just feel overwhelmingly blessed!!! I don't feel like I deserve all these blessings though!!! And at least %80 of my blessings are born of my husband and his hard work.

 

So upon realizing all this, I want to express it. But I'm afraid to.

[Woggle]

Don't hold back. Tell him how much you appreciate him. What is it with all this game playing in marriages and relationships these days. If both of you would just be honest about how you feel things might be much better. I would just say what is in my heart towards him. Don't worry about doting too much or too little. Don't ananlyze things so much. One thing men love is to be appreciated and if you show you appreciate him you will get it back.

[EnigmaXOXO]

So is it a good idea in your opinion to just spill how much you appreciate, love, adore, and need someone, or is it a better idea to keep it to yourself so they don't abuse you?

 

I think those who take inventory of their lives and learn to "appreciate" what they have rather than belly-ache and obsess about the little things they don't have are the happiest people I know. Not only do I think it's a "good idea" to remind those you care about that they are needed and loved … but affirmation is absolutely necessary if you want your partner to stick around. People who don't feel wanted or appreciated will usually seek validation elsewhere.

 

I also think a "thank-you" every now and again goes a lot farther than an "I love you". Our tendency after being together for a long time is to take those little things you do for each other for granted. That is the biggest relationship mistake of all and is the principle cause of all problems and break-ups.

[moimeme]

BUT! From my relationships past, I know that loving someone too much gives them too much control. They will take you for granted, because they know that you need them and love them too much to leave.

 

Wrong. What you learned is that if you love the wrong person too much he will take control. That has nothing to do with how much you love him and everything to do with him not really loving you. You're not with whoever taught you that 'lesson', now are you?

 

As of late, he hasn't abused my newfound appreciation for him, but I feel like I should hold back a little bit, to avoid being taken for granted and hurt by him.

 

This is gamesmanship and is ridiculous.

 

Someone said in a thread that I just read, "If you need someone too much, pretty soon they start to think they can get by with treating you any old way," and in my experience that is the TRUTH!

 

There is needing someone, which is fine, and being completely dependent on him for everything, including your mood and happiness as well as for companionship all the time. That is not fine. I don't see you doing the latter.

 

Ironically, it appears that the men agree that too much doting is a bad thing, while the woman that posted seemed to think that a lot of doting is great

 

The single men agreed that too much doting is a bad thing. The married man did not. And there's a difference between 'doting' and showing appreciation. What you have been doing doesn't classify as 'doting'. All humans need appreciation, even men. You may laugh when you read that, but I've found that a lot of women seem to think that men have no emotions and don't need to know they are admired or appreciated. 'Doting' is, again, making someone your every life and breath and dream and wish and immersing yourself in him. You're not doing that by any means.

 

So on the advice of the men, I think I'm going to tone it down a little bit. But on the advice of the woman, I'm going to show appreciation as much as I show upset when he's hurt me.

 

You could even try making sure that what he has done to 'hurt you' was done deliberately (which it rarely is) and give him some slack if he's made a mistake about something or forgotten something. Women seem to also be very quick to feel offended when often there was no intent to cause offense.

[tiki]

Originally posted by moimeme

This is gamesmanship and is ridiculous.

 

It may be ridiculous, but it's a frequent occurence.

 

A lot of people feel this way. Many feel that opening up encourages only vulnerability.

 

I can see where she's coming from on this one. It's very common (IMO).

[Ladyjane14]

I'm in agreement with Moimeme. If your feelings are honestly "appreciative" then why not reflect your feelings with your words and actions? Why play games?

 

All of the information that I've read regarding marital relationships, and specifically emotional needs seem to be of the same opinion. Generally speaking, men need physical affection, sex, and admiration from their wife in order to be content with the marriage.

 

What could be gained by withholding those things?

 

If you're meeting his EN's, and he's not meeting yours....then that's definately something to work on. But, that's not a good reason to stop meeting his needs in the interim. It seems to me, that if you're already doing something that's effective in improving your relationship....you could build on that.

[moimeme]

Many feel that opening up encourages only vulnerability.

 

Love requires guts. Yes, you make yourself vulnerable. It's a loving act. And you do it knowing what the possible consequences will be but you take the chance anyway because trust is an absolutely essential part of love. What I'm hearing is lack of trust and I fail to see how you can truly love someone you do not completely trust.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

What could be gained by withholding those things?

who said to withhold those things? we are just saying to give in moderation. that is all...

[CHAZ87]

Folderwife, do you liev with me. What you described in your fist post in this thread, is how my wife and I live our lievs to a "T". But she makes a lot more then minimum wage. She does have a stressful job at a local health clinic. My job, as far as production jobs go in our county, is one of the highest paying around. But the stress level of the job is ever changing day-in and day-out.

 

Back to what I wanted to say, your post I swear was a mirror image of our lives. But I do feel underappreciated for what I do for her, but I let her know hiow I feel and nothing of what you said you do for your husband, back rubs and soforth, does not come my way. Getting to the point, I would love it if my wife told me how much she appreciated how much I give her. But I don't think that matters to much, seeing is that she left me for someone else.

[guest]

Originally posted by FolderWife

Recently, I've been praying for God to save my marriage. I think he's answered me with a yes *(God always answers prayers...just sometimes, he answers with a no)* because my husband and I are getting along fantastic right now. We are opening up and really talking about our problems with one another. It's been a real eye opener. I'm not completely blameless in our problems. The EXACT things he points out that I do to him are the things my mom did to me that made me want to get as far away from her as possible

 

We've been getting along so well lately, that I feel like a cloud has lifted off of me, and I am able to look around and see just how much I've been blessed with! I have a beautiful home! We have a great cat that we both love. I drive a fancy SUV. I work with great people every day. And now, my husband is just wonderful.

 

However, upon realizing how unbelievably BLESSED that I am, I also realized that I didn't do a thing to deserve it. God blessed me with my husband...and upon having my husband, I was given everything else...

 

Because my husband WORKS so hard.

 

He works at a job that he hates. He makes three times as much as me. So since he sacrifices, and works at a job that he hates, I get to work at my cushy desk job, making barely more than minimum wage. I work with people that I enjoy. I get the easy life.

 

Meanwhile, he's working at a job he hates, so that I can have a nice SUV, while he drives an older car. He works overtime so that I can go shopping for new clothes (he never buys himself anything...he always says that he has everything that he wants). He works twice as many hours as I do at a job that he hates, so we can have our beautiful home.

 

My paycheck would barely pay the utilities in our home. Yes I work, but I don't contribute my share. I spend more money than I make.

 

I feel like a complete MOOCH! And upon realizing this, I would lie in bed next to my husband, and rub his back, and tell him how thankful that I am for him. How that without him, I'd be living in Redneckville, probably married to a guy who still lives with his parents, and I'd probably be living with his parents right along with him. I told him that I didn't deserve a man who'd work so hard so that I could have nice things. I told him that now that I see how I'm treating him like my mom used to treat me, that I see why he does the things he did (*they resemble the exact things that I did when my mom had me under her heavy thumb*)

 

So now that I see that in spite of me doing things that push him away, he's sticking by me, and in spite of me not pulling my own weight, he's sticking by me, I love him more than I can express in words, and I thank him so much for loving me and working so hard for me. Now that I've stopped focusing on what he does wrong, and I've opened my eyes to how really great he is, I can't stop telling him how much I appreciate him.

 

BUT! From my relationships past, I know that loving someone too much gives them too much control. They will take you for granted, because they know that you need them and love them too much to leave.

 

As of late, he hasn't abused my newfound appreciation for him, but I feel like I should hold back a little bit, to avoid being taken for granted and hurt by him.

 

Someone said in a thread that I just read, "If you need someone too much, pretty soon they start to think they can get by with treating you any old way," and in my experience that is the TRUTH!

 

So while I love and adore and appreciate my husband, I feel nervous about spilling it to him. I mean, I sit and coo him, and tell him, "You work overtime, and you say it's because 'YOU'RE' selfish, but really, you aren't...you may work overtime, but you don't go out and buy yourself anything...you work overtime so that I can go out and blow the money on something frivolous." AND THAT'S THE TRUTH! However, while I want him to know how much I appreciate him, I don't want him feeling like he owns me...does that make sense?

 

So is it a good idea in your opinion to just spill how much you appreciate, love, adore, and need someone, or is it a better idea to keep it to yourself so they don't abuse you?

 

This is so sad. I would rather live with my husbands parents, in a trailor right smack in the middle of redneckville if we were happy, honest, and in love with each other, than ever measure my marriage by money or things - or look down on people because of their financial situation or choices. It doesn't sound like there is much, if any, real trust between you if you are so worried about giving up control that you think you need to play a game of withholding affection or praise. There is an old saying "familiarity Breeds Contempt" but to apply that to a marriage and think that the only way around or out of it is by playing games instead of lavishing attention on each other, or talking honestly about feeling neglected if that happens, or being taken for granted, does not sound like a terrific foundation for a healthy marriage to me. A marriage is an equal partnership and that equality does not mean earning the same amount of money -- unless the whole marriage foundation IS about money and everything else is related to that.

[Max Overclock]

I can see where one might feel this way after reading the post, guest.

 

The difference here, I believe, is that Folderwife does understand the kind of sacrifices that are husband is making for her and she appreciates them. It is not so much that she measures the strength of her marriage by the amount of material objects that her husband's hard work provides.

 

If I am not mistaken, from the general jist of what she has said, it appears that she can now more clearly understand the contribution to the quality of her life that her husband is making. She appreciates him for the material things, but I would think (and hope) that this is in no way indicative of the total value that she places on her relationship. She loves him immensely, and would like to be able to ensure that he is adequately shown appreciation for his efforts in keeping her happy in their marriage.

 

Max

[sweetserendipity]

So to avoid feeling the need to dote on him out of love/appreciation for him *and* a feeling of guilt that he works so hard and sacrifices so much to give you the great life you have - why don't you try to balance it out by trying to ease his load a bit - find a job you may not like as much, that may not be as cushy but pays more than "barely the utilities." At some point he could end up growing to resent the fact that things are so unbalanced? If your job barely pays anything, what about going back to school so that you could get yourself a better career to help share the load a bit more? - maybe someday it would ease the burden on him enough so that he'd feel the freedom to find a job, even if it's a lower paying one, but one he enjoys.

 

Was it his idea to have such a beautiful home and fancy SUV or were these things you made known you very much wanted?