Gilburt Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Hello, So I've been dating this girl for about a year and a half. We're both late twenties. She really wants to get married and have kids, but the problem is she's not in love with me. I am crazy about her and have been since day one. I really want her to be the love of my life. She is attracted to me, we have sex, though she said she's not big on kissing. She's fond of me. She told me once, "what if I said I loved you but I'm not in love with you?" I don't know if this level of feelings are right for marriage. Ideally you want two people who are deeply in love. But what if one person is and the other is not? I think I can make her happy, but would it be better for us to look elsewhere? Thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Gilburt, This is nuts. Don't do it. though she said she's not big on kissing. ^^^ This says it all really. This girl wants you as a sperm donor. Don't you think you deserve better than that? Knock this on the head right now and look for a girl who's as crazy about you as you are about her. I'm sorry x 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 If she isn't in love with you then you two have no business getting married. It will be a miserable marriage that will have you at odds with her from the get go, you will expect her to treat you like a loving husband but in the end she will fall short and you will be hurt and hurt everyday of the marriage.. things will get worse when kids come along and in the end you will divorce over not being happy... Even though you love her the fact that she doesn't love you will mean she will always never treat you the way you need to be treated and you will feel it... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gilburt Posted September 12, 2016 Author Share Posted September 12, 2016 Thanks. I have been leaning towards no, and in fact talked to her recently calling our relationship off, but then softening and telling her I need space for a few weeks. The reason I was considering marriage is because I've been reading about how sometimes marriage isn't about the butterfly feelings and the wild romance. Sometimes it's a more sensible arrangement with two people who care deeply for each other and respect each other, and have a different kind of love. I thought maybe our love could grow out of that. We haven't actually spent a ton of time together. And the kissing thing, she said she's never really been big on kissing with most guys, but I too had doubts. She's told me in past relationships she's been "excited every day," implying that with me she was not. It just sucks because I really really love her and care about her and wish she could be the one I spend the rest of my life with. Ugh 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Dump her and find a woman who is passionate for you. There is one out there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 She's told me in past relationships she's been "excited every day," implying that with me she was not. She's been willing to tell you she was into previous BF's - but not you? Marry her only if you want a lifetime of being compared to other men - and coming up short ... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 This post is meant to shock you into reality. If you marry her you will have made 2 lawyers happy who someday will be handling the divorce case. Or possibly you'll be posting in the infidelity section here. Either way it won't be pretty. Once she has her predetermined number of kids you will become her ATM and nothing more. Please listen to the other posters here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Life is too short to tie yourself to someone who doesn't appreciate you. I stayed in a dead bedroom relationship for a few years too many, and when I finally came out of it, all I had was anger... anger at myself... for wasting my own time. Don't waste your time. All humans crave passion. God forbid you do marry, and 10 years, two kids later, you meet someone who DOES reciprocate that interest. There are a lot of heartbreaking posts in the infidelity section... It's important and healthy to make sure your needs are getting met (and she reserves that same right). You can only overlook something like that for so long... best to bow out now before there are other lives in the equation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Absolutely do not marry this woman. If you do you'll soon be divorced, and paying child support for children you don't get to see very often. Take care. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 If you marry her, she'll end up finding passion elsewhere. Setting yourself up for heartbreak. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Marrying for love is a very recent development that has taken place over the last several generations in the developed, western world. Throughout most of human history and in traditional cultures today, arranged marriage was/is the norm. When both people share the same core values of marriage and family and commitment and both have a mutual respect and compassion for each and a shared devotion to making the union work, people can have a successful marriage despite lackluster lovey-dovey feelings for each other. However those conditions and situations do not apply in your case. You are in love with her and want her to love and desire you, but she does not. As someone mentioned earlier, she sees you as a sperm donor and provider as a means to an end. That end will be giving birth. Once she has achieved that, she will only want you to pay the bills and help change diapers. She will no longer be sexually responsive to you at all and will employ every trick and excuse in the book to avoid you. You will die a death of a thousand cuts. Take a day and read all the threads of people slowly dying day by day with a spouse that does not love or desire them. That will be you in a number of years once you have minor children, a mortgage, car payments, shared accounts, retirement funds etc. Save yourself the heartache and expense of divorce and custody battles and child support, alimony, selling the house etc and call it a day now. You will be sad and she'd a few tears in your pillow for a few weeks, but it will be a whole heck of a lot less anguish that when she packs up the kids and leaves you for the man she was screwing like a porn star after denying you for years. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 You can't make her happy because she will never be happy being married to someone she isn't in love with and eventually you will become unhappy being married to someone who isn't in love with you. This marriage will become misery and the ones who will suffer the most will be the children should you have them with her. She will either cheat on you or divorce you once she gets what she wants. Don't do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 The reason I was considering marriage is because I've been reading about how sometimes marriage isn't about the butterfly feelings and the wild romance. Sometimes it's a more sensible arrangement with two people who care deeply for each other and respect each other, and have a different kind of love. I thought maybe our love could grow out of that. We haven't actually spent a ton of time together. Cultures that practice arranged marriage will tell their followers that love can grow out of this arrangement and I imagine in some instances there is some truth to that. However we must keep in mind that these people are often virgins that have lived with their families until marriage and they don't have anything to compare it too and they don't know any better. And there are always going to be cases where the arrangement hits one out of the ball park and it is with someone hot that they do end up being sexually attracted to, at least initially. In this case she has had previous livers that she was attracted and had feelings for. And in this instance, we know that she is NOT attracted to you. Your chances of her developing warmy feelings for you after the stresses of child rearing, housekeeping etc etc is basically nil. People who marry people they do love in traditional cultures are starting with a clean slate at square-one. However you are already in the hole below zero and are already behind the right ball. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carnelian Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 I totally agree with these posts, especially AriesWoman. If she doesn't even like kissing--that is a huge warning sign, a message to stay away when in doubt. Sorry. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Thanks. I have been leaning towards no, and in fact talked to her recently calling our relationship off, but then softening and telling her I need space for a few weeks. The reason I was considering marriage is because I've been reading about how sometimes marriage isn't about the butterfly feelings and the wild romance. Sometimes it's a more sensible arrangement with two people who care deeply for each other and respect each other, and have a different kind of love. I thought maybe our love could grow out of that. We haven't actually spent a ton of time together. And the kissing thing, she said she's never really been big on kissing with most guys, but I too had doubts. She's told me in past relationships she's been "excited every day," implying that with me she was not. It just sucks because I really really love her and care about her and wish she could be the one I spend the rest of my life with. Ugh Do not marry, damn do not even date her. Time to find someone that wants you as much as you want her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 The reason I was considering marriage is because I've been reading about how sometimes marriage isn't about the butterfly feelings and the wild romance. Sometimes it's a more sensible arrangement with two people who care deeply for each other and respect each other, and have a different kind of love. I thought maybe our love could grow out of that. We haven't actually spent a ton of time together. This is true - if you BOTH felt this way. But in your case, you are desperately in love and she is more in the sensible side of things. The imbalance is as big of a problem as her difference in feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 You sound like a paycheck and a provider. You will rue the day she cheats on if you get married...she will almost certainly will. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Oh, hale no. Do not marry her. You will be in for one unhappy marriage. Heck, I wouldn't even continue the relationship. What's the point? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 I think the issue will be once there is kids, house, dogs mini vans, and 60 hour work weeks, the likelihood of her looking elsewhere for passion and the "in love" feeling is very high. RUN fast and hard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Don't marry her. She'll have the kids and you providing and then she'll get a man on the side to be passionate with. She should be your Ex Girlfriend already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LaurenP15 Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 OP - This is not a good idea. Marriage tend to not work if it is only one-sided. I used to date a guy that I was in love with at the time. I did everything for him, yet got nothing in return. I always thought if I hung in there longer and did more for him, I can make him fall in love with me. I was stupid and naive. We were together for about a year and later found out he was only in the relationship because it was convenient for him. When you love someone that does not love you back, your end goals are not the same. Eventually something will fall apart and it will be harder to get out when you have kids/mortgage/responsibilities... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 and, after you have kids, she finds a man she DOES love, and goes off with him? what do you do then? When she is getting dolled up, and says as leaving the door "i am going to my boyfriends for the weekend, watch the kids"! you should avoid this trap, and find someone who DOES care about you Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 Is she actually pushing you for marriage here, or are you simply stating that she is in her 20s and desires it sometime soon? Because, I can't imagine why either of you would consider settling for this one-sided relationship where you haven't spent much time together and she has admitted her feelings are luke-warm. What is the rush to marry, at your ages? Link to post Share on other sites
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