So many tell me its wrong to have nothing to do with DH illigetimate child, why?

[Guest]

DH & I married after he finished college and worked for a year. We then had two children. We agreed that I would be a stay-at-home mom. It's what we both wanted. I'm a good mom and I take care of the house and kids and everything and I love it. I'm lucky that I don't have to work outside the home too. DH is a good provider, he likes his work and makes a good living to support us. I know I'm lucky and I am very grateful for my children because they will be well provided for and not want for anything. I grew up differently and my family had to scrimp and save and we often did without -- even though they both worked hard. DH & I are not wealthy by average standards, but I feel like I'm rich compared to how my family raised me. I know that money is important. Health insurance and medical care are crucial.

 

 

Around our 7th year of marriage he had an affair. I found out about it and he ended it. We did some marriage counseling and I was really trying to trust him again and deal with it so that my family would not be effected by it. We discussed divorce and separation but I don't want my kids to do without and I don't have the earning potential that DH has; plus I don't want to be a working mother --its important to us that I stay at home with them.

 

About 5 months after the affair ended we found out she was pregnant and she said it was DH's child. I was floored. DH said he didn't want anything to do with the woman and was past the affair--he didn't love her, it was just sex. This OW works in retail and doesn't make a lot of money. She lives in a cheap apartment "on the other side of the tracks" so to speak. She works but doesn't make a lot of money. She is going after DH for child support and for the cost of her pregnancy, etc. DH though the baby might be his and we have been to our attorney about it when we found out. After the baby was born (and I don't even want to know if its a boy or girl) they did a paternity test and DH is the father. The OW gave the baby his (our) last name.

 

Now DH is paying child support and the OW is pressuring him to be part of the baby's life and wants to come to MY house to bring the kid to play and get to know me. I don't want to know this kid and I don't want to be a baby sitter for it. I know that DH has to pay for his mistakes and I know its not the kids fault, but I also don't want the OW to think that she or her kid is entitled to MY house and MY lifestyle. My attorney agreed and we took steps to prevent her forcing herself or the kid on us.

 

DH still wants to stay married. He hopes that someday we can build a real marriage again, even though I told him I doubted it would happen. We stay in the same house and our kids know things have been strained, but they still get the benefit of a full-time daddy who helps with homework, goes to school events, takes us camping as a family, etc. and that is important.

 

I'm sorry for the OW's kid that it won't have the same things that my kids have, but its not my problem. There are lots of kids with single parents who struggle and kids with both parents who struggle. I am not responsible for them either. We give to charities and buy Christmas gifts for the underprivileged, etc.

 

I am adamant about my kids daddy being there for them, going to soccer games or whatever and not taking time away from my/our kids in order to be with the other kid. If he has time or wants to schedule time during his day to see it and that doesn't interfere with my kids, then I have no problem with him doing that. Originally I wanted to be the go-between and DH agreed, but the OWs lawyer said that DH had to be the one to talk with her because he is the child's father.

 

Yes I'm angry and Yes I'm hurt, but I'm not being spiteful or hateful toward another kid--I'm looking out for my own. I insist that MY children come first. DH's parents feel almost the same way, although they have expressed curiosity to see and know about their other grandchild. I can understand that -- they are related. They agree and support me in that the other kid not have any part of our home here.

 

Well, the other day I got an anonymous letter (I know who its from) telling me that I'm a horrible person for not embracing that child and not loving it. I came on this board and found another person in a similar situation and who felt the same way, and both of us were blasted because we refuse to love another woman's child. Why do so many people think that I should bring that child into my home and treat it like my own? I don't owe that kid or its mother anything! The kid has a mother of its own and it has DH's financial support and his involvement in the kids life.

 

The OW wants DH to buy her a new car. He bought one for me last Christmas. I said NO because that money needs to go for our kids future and current needs. She can get her own new car. She sees what I have and wants it too and seems to think that DH owes her the exact same lifestyle that DH & I have together, and people are supporting her and bashing me. DH married ME, not her. He has a marriage CONTRACT with me, not her. He is taking financial responsibility for the kid, but I won't have him spending money on the OW. She was part of it and she should be responsible for 50% of the financial responsibility for the kid.

 

Its not like I married a divorced father - he cheated and got another woman pregnant. I'm not wrong.

[JPMorgan]

Well, you don't have to have anything to do with the other child, but you are part of the marriage too and it does concern you. Did you vow for better or worse? This sounds like it is 'worse' and that means that both of you must deal with it and set boundaries. Your husband has to take care of his other child too - that child is as much a part of him as your children are. Unless the OW needs a car to get her child from place to place and has no other option, I wouldn't buy her one either. But if you were the one without transportation and you needed it to get your kids to a doctor or school or whatever, you would do whatever you could to get a car. I don't know if thats the case, I'm just saying its a possibility.

 

Does the OW want your children to come visit her and her child at her home, or is she insisting that her child come into your home? And is that with her, or only with your husband?

[shygurl]

You say you're not wrong, you're adamant about that so I'm not even sure what the purpose of this post is - just to vent? to make a declaration? for advice?

 

Your husband's child should NOT come below your children - that child is as equally significant as are the children you share together. He should be as involved in this child's life as he is with your children - that little child didn't ask to be conceived through an affair, right? Why should that child have less than your children when that child didn't have any say about being brought into this world?

 

If you're not comfortable with this child coming to your home - which is understandable (although let's face it, this child is a half-sibling to your own children - which I already pointed out in the past), then are you going to kick up a fuss with your husband spending time at the OW's home visiting his child?

 

How do you even KNOW that the OW was aware off the bat that your husband was married? You have a lot of animosity toward her, which is understandable - but you have no idea as to whether she was aware he was married when she had this affair. Many cheating husbands tell the tallest of tales, just to get laid.

 

I seriously think you should consider getting some counselling ...individually and as a couple because this whole issue is a doozy and it's not going to go away any time soon.

[quankanne]

I'm sorry for the OW's kid that it won't have the same things that my kids have, but its not my problem. There are lots of kids with single parents who struggle and kids with both parents who struggle. I am not responsible for them either. We give to charities and buy Christmas gifts for the underprivileged, etc.

 

I am adamant about my kids daddy being there for them, going to soccer games or whatever and not taking time away from my/our kids in order to be with the other kid. If he has time or wants to schedule time during his day to see it and that doesn't interfere with my kids, then I have no problem with him doing that. … Yes I'm angry and Yes I'm hurt, but I'm not being spiteful or hateful toward another kid--I'm looking out for my own

 

Sometimes looking out for your own means looking past your own anger and offering an olive branch when you don't especially want to. This is not your child, but it is your husband's, and you should seriously think about encouraging him to be as actively involved in that kid's life. Because at some point the lives of all your children are going to intersect and you will want that to go as smoothly as possible for the sake of your own kids. Doesn't mean you have to be forced into liking it, but you've got the option of taking the higher road here, and you should seriously consider it if you want to avoid serious problems down the line.

[jmargel]

So if your husband had NOTHING to do with this child you would feel better? Would you feel better knowing this child does not have the benefit of having a real father? Why are you taking your anger and resentment on this baby?

 

This baby did not ask to be born, it's the product of what your husband & this other woman did. Did this woman know he was married when he slept with her? You are placing the blame on the wrong person here. The blame should be on your husband and by him not having an active role in this baby's life is only going to harm the child and not 'fix' any problems in your marriage.

 

You didn't ask to be in this situation just like the baby didn't ask to be born. However trying to punish this baby by doing this is only going to harm the child. You should find ways of 'how' to cope with this instead of trying to push this problem away, in which it won't happen. Do your children offer more value to this world than this baby? IMO they don't. Not only are you depriving this newborn you are also depriving your children the chance to spend time with thier step-brother/sister and vice-versa.

 

What will make you happy? What will resolve this for you? If you can't deal with this, the only option is to either continue counseling or divorce. Please try to take small steps in spending time with this baby. I'm not saying to spend a week with him/her or even a day. Just a few hours. You are this baby's step-mom. I would hate to see this child grow up in a dysfunctional family and to only have it continue when they become an adult.

 

He only needs to provide for this child, not her. However this baby is not asking for a new car. This baby may grow up to be the most loving, giving person one could ever meet. You and your husband have a huge role in molding this baby into what it will be. Please take this responsibility and treat it with care.

 

You sound like you are still very hurt by what your husband did. This is a SEPERATE issue then caring for this baby. That is what you need to focus your anger/resentment on, not the child.

 

Why do so many people think that I should bring that child into my home and treat it like my own? I don't owe that kid or its mother anything!

 

Because you are this baby's step-mother and this child is going to look up to you as a mother just like it's biological one. This baby is going to be in your life now. It's something you can either accept or divorce your husband and move on. Remember you don't owe ANYTHING to this other-woman but IMO you owe this baby the love you can give him/her.

 

I would have to admit this would be hard for me to swallow if I were in your shoes. It's easy to give advice on here when you aren't living it but us giving you advice, we can see the 'big picture' here. If you really want to get back at this woman, then treat this baby better than she would. That's something she has no control over and it would benefit this baby greatly.

[VirginiaBob]

That child is ABSOLUTELY NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. It is your peragative if you allow this child in your life or not. My ex-fiance had 2 kids from a previous marriage and tried to guilt me into the same thing, acting like since I became close to them during our relationship, I was somehow obligated to spend time with them/ financially support them after she left me (3 weeks before the planned extravaganza wedding that SHE wanted, but I financed). Sure it's not the kids fault that the breakup happened and they shouldn't have to suffer, but it wasn't my choice, it was hers. In your case, you don't owe that child anything. I feel that you are right in this situation.

[Pocky]

In my opinion, there are a few things that require your cooperation that I feel are non-negotiable regarding this child:

 

• Must allow father to adhere to the specifications listed in the custody case (eg. financial support).
  
• Must allow father to spend time allocated for this child.
  
• Must allow father to establish a loving relationship with this child.
  
• Must be forthright regarding familial connection between all children (at appropriate age).
  

 

In my opinion, you are not required to:

 

• Financially support the mother unless required to do so legally.
  
• Allow the child to enter your home.
  
• Spend time with the child.
  
• Force your children to spend time with the child.
  
• Spend time with the mother.
  
• Establish a relationship with this child.
  

[moimeme]

In my opinion, you are not required to:

Financially support the mother unless required to do so legally.

Allow the child to enter your home.

Spend time with the child.

Force your children to spend time with the child.

Spend time with the mother.

Establish a relationship with this child.

 

Screw 'principle' and your own pride

 

What we are talking about here is a new human being with no guilt or flaw - yet. This could be the person who discovers the cure for cancer or ends war. This is a fragile human heart that needs nurturing and the best possible love from as many people as possible, including all sisters, brothers, stepmothers, whatever that can access this little person.

 

It's stupid, rude, selfish, and ignorant to take out your own issues on a little child and no amount of pretending to couch it in 'principle' can possibly disguise the fact that this is a base human instinct to take revenge out on SOMEBODY because you've been wronged. To take it out on a child is the worst ignorance imaginable.

 

Divorce the man and screw him for all the money in the world if you must; he's an adult and can fend for himself but do NOT foist your low human instincts on a little kid.

 

Try to be bigger than that.

[FolderWife]

oH MY GOSH!!! Some people have some nerve What kind of a hoochy would sleep with a married man?! If some stupid woman tries to break up a marriage, then she deserves whatever she gets

 

And if she gets pregnant by being so STUPID as to sleep with a married man, then she doesn't deserve child support.

 

But if she gets child support out of him, HOW DARE SHE EXPECT HIM TO BUY HER A CAR WITH MONEY THAT SHOULD BELONG TO HIS WIFE AND HIS CHILDREN BY HIS WIFE

 

Gosh...some husbands are so stupid How selfish! Go stick your dick in a whore, and get her pregnant, while your wife and kids sit at home suffering from your stupid, selifish MISTAKE!

 

Tell her to get her own husband. Tell her to get her own family.

 

I was the other woman to an engaged man. I know how easily a dumb woman *like myself* can be duped. At first he was single. Then he was dating her but they were breaking up. Then he was engaged, but he was calling off the engagement. Then I realized that I was an idiot, and I broke up with him. I would expect him to pay for the child, because he lied to me and said he was single...but if you KNOWINGLY go out with a MARRIED MAN, I don't care if he DOES say he's getting a divorce, YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU GET!!! AND THAT'S USUALLY NOTHING!!!

[Ladyjane14]

That OW is clearly trying to wheedle her way into Guest's life, and seems to be stipulating that Guest's husband has contact with her in order to have contact with OC. Unacceptable.

 

I think it's a shame that the situation is what it is. I think it's a shame that Guest doesn't have the love and trust for her husband that would allow them to be 'happily' married. They appear to be living as roommates.

 

That said, if it were me....I wouldn't want ANYTHING to do with OW that didn't involve me applying a blunt instrument smartly to her head. (I know, I know.....that sounded bitter. )

 

There needs to be an intermediary established here, so that OC can spend time with the father. Otherwise, OW should just take whatever child support that the law allows and shut her mouth. She's interfering with both her child's relationship with the father, AND the father's primary relationship with Guest by insisting on being included. (And I'm flabbergasted by the mere suggestion that Guest's husband should buy her a car. )

 

It would be beneficial to Guest's marriage if she could find a way to be supportive of her husband's wishes regarding the OC. I don't see the marriage surviving under these circumstances. Done is done, he can't change it now.

[Vega]

Originally posted by shygurl

You say you're not wrong, you're adamant about that so I'm not even sure what the purpose of this post is - just to vent? to make a declaration? for advice?

I'm tryin to find why soem people blame me and accuse me of hurting another kid - what the reasoning is.

 

Your husband's child should NOT come below your children - that child is as equally significant as are the children you share together. He should be as involved in this child's life as he is with your children - that little child didn't ask to be conceived through an affair, right? Why should that child have less than your children when that child didn't have any say about being brought into this world?

Not all children are born into prosperity. MINE were. The other woman's was not. Why should I give up my home for a smaller one so that she can give up her smaller one for a larger one equal to my smaller one? I don't owe that to her. People sufffer for others mistakes all the time and that includes kids. Its too bad that they had a kid and I'm not telling DH to show no responsibility for it, but I'm not going to lose my home or my lifestyle (and I mean my KIDS home/lifestyle too) for someone elses child. If I was going to do that then Id rather go to the shelter and pick out some really needy children and their parents and say "hey, I'm selling my home and ubying a smaller one and I'm going to give you the money so that you can have a house too" I see what you mean I think about the other kid being significant. All kids no matter what the circumstance are significant. you ask why that kid should have less than mine and I ask why should it have the same when it doesn't have the same parents? I bring a lot to my marriage and my home and even though I don't have an outside job I contribute just as much to acquiring and maintaining the lifestyle. She doesn't. Why should I entertain DH's clients and employers; run the errands, pay the bills, take care of everything for her to benefit. DH is not going to bring his clients to his exwhore's home - hes going to bring them here for me to entertain and take care of. I earned my home and lifestyle just as much as DH has. In our marriage we don't compartmentalize each others contributions or have a ledger telling us who 'owns' more of our marriage. It is supposed to be together completely. So I still don't understand why I should give up something for someone else?

 

If you're not comfortable with this child coming to your home - which is understandable (although let's face it, this child is a half-sibling to your own children - which I already pointed out in the past), then are you going to kick up a fuss with your husband spending time at the OW's home visiting his child?

I don't care where he goes to see the kid and I know hes going to see it as much as he wants to -- and he doesn't really want to see it too much. He has not bonded with the kid and has told me that he really doesn't want to. He will do what he feels is right and what the court tells him he must do and that is a financial obligation and a concern for the kids health/wealfare. Maybe the OW will find some other guy who will be a real daddy to the kid. DH can get to know the kid if he wants to and if he finds that he loves the kid then that is fine too -- but I still don't want the kid around here even if it is a half-sibling to mine. They know the kid exists and don't care and think it weird that they could hve a brother or sister with a different mother.

 

How do you even KNOW that the OW was aware off the bat that your husband was married? You have a lot of animosity toward her, which is understandable - but you have no idea as to whether she was aware he was married when she had this affair. Many cheating husbands tell the tallest of tales, just to get laid.

I don't know and I don't care. DH knew he was married and he shouldn't have cheated. It was his choice to lie to her or not. I do blame him - even if she chased him, it was his decision. I don't want to know all the details because they don't change anything.

 

I seriously think you should consider getting some counselling ...individually and as a couple because this whole issue is a doozy and it's not going to go away any time soon.

We've been to counseling and thats how we are still married.

 

Sometimes looking out for your own means looking past your own anger and offering an olive branch when you don't especially want to. This is not your child, but it is your husband's, and you should seriously think about encouraging him to be as actively involved in that kid's life. Because at some point the lives of all your children are going to intersect and you will want that to go as smoothly as possible for the sake of your own kids. Doesn't mean you have to be forced into liking it, but you've got the option of taking the higher road here, and you should seriously consider it if you want to avoid serious problems down the line.

I don't think I can encourage him to be more involved with the kid. I'm not stopping him, but I want to make sure that my kids don't lose out because DH spends all his time with a new kid. So far that hasn't been an issue. I don't know when the kids will ever meet. I don't see the OW living in the same school district as mine or living near enough for them to know each other. Mine know and that's the end of it. If they want to see this kid after they are adults then they can.

 

 

So if your husband had NOTHING to do with this child you would feel better? Would you feel better knowing this child does not have the benefit of having a real father? Why are you taking your anger and resentment on this baby?

No thats not what I'm saying. its not about my feeling better -- its too late for that because of the cheating. I'm not taking my anger out on this kid. I have not denied the kid anything that its not legally entitled to and then some. But i'm not going to hand it one of my kids bike just because its mother can't afford a shiny new one, and then deny my kids. Having a real father to me means one who lives there and is present at everything - birthdays, holidays, vacations, school events, sickness, etc. If DH chooses to spend time with that kid instead of with mine - then mine are the ones losing the benefit of a real father. If DH has to choose, then he needs to choose the kids we have together first. I am not going to bring that kid along on my vacation and I don't see DH taking the kid on a separate vacation. The kid can go on vacation with its mother. There are tons of people with only one parent ever in their lives this one does have some benefit from DH.

 

This baby did not ask to be born, it's the product of what your husband & this other woman did. Did this woman know he was married when he slept with her? You are placing the blame on the wrong person here. The blame should be on your husband and by him not having an active role in this baby's life is only going to harm the child and not 'fix' any problems in your marriage.

Why does it matter to others if the OW knew if DH was married? I don't see how this matters? I'm blaming DH - he is the one who cheated on me. I'm not looking for my marriage to be fixed - it cannot. It can heal (maybe) but there will be scars. Again, lots of kids don't have a father at all. DH is distant father and him being more involved nd over there all the time is not going to stop the kid from asking its mother someday why his daddy doesn't live there.

 

 

You didn't ask to be in this situation just like the baby didn't ask to be born. However trying to punish this baby by doing this is only going to harm the child. You should find ways of 'how' to cope with this instead of trying to push this problem away, in which it won't happen. Do your children offer more value to this world than this baby? IMO they don't. Not only are you depriving this newborn you are also depriving your children the chance to spend time with thier step-brother/sister and vice-versa.

 

I'm not trying to punish the baby and I still don't get how people think I'm doing someting to this kid. Its not my baby and I'm not depribving it of anything. DH doesnt' want to leave me to marry its mother so I'm not depriving it of that. DH is footing the bill for the kid and has seen it several times and will see it again. I don't hold to brothers and sisters having to be close just because they are related. If my own want to disowne each other someday they can. I have step-brothers and step-sisters that I have nothing to do with because we don't consider ourselves family. Most I've never even met and I don't see the big deal. We were not raised in the same house - they were raised by their mother and I was raised by mine. Our shared paternal unit married and divorced both our moms. At least it wasn't an affair.

 

 

What will make you happy? What will resolve this for you? If you can't deal with this, the only option is to either continue counseling or divorce. Please try to take small steps in spending time with this baby. I'm not saying to spend a week with him/her or even a day. Just a few hours. You are this baby's step-mom. I would hate to see this child grow up in a dysfunctional family and to only have it continue when they become an adult.

 

What will make me happy is to raise my children in a stable home. I'm doing that and DH is helping too.

 

I will NOT spend time with this baby -- its not my place to do so. I'm not the baby's step-mom I'm the wife of the kids sperm doner. If DH devleops a bond with the kid then I'm the wife of its father, but not the step-mom and the OW is not my children't step-mom.

 

I guess this is more of a rant and i'm outvoted because so many people see my not wanting to participate in raising someone elses child a some kind of punishment or revenge. I don't need revenge - DH is paying with his own pain and guilt and I don't need to add to it, so its not a revenge thing. but I guess the majority of people would take in the offspring of their spouses affair and treat it like one of thei own and would share their kids with the person their spouse cheated with.

 

well, thank you for your opinions.

[moimeme]

I'm not depribving it of anything.

 

Yes you are. You want to deprive the child of its father's company at school events (how often will two events for two different schools take place on the same night?) of vacations, and of knowing its stepsiblings. Maybe it'll be an only child. I'm one and I would have *loved* to have had some siblings of any sort.

 

Not only that, but you deprive your children of seeing how someone can be a decent human being to another innocent child. You are not teaching them any generosity; your 'I, me, mine' attitude is what they'll learn.

Which might come back to bite you.

 

You don't have to be a stepmom. Be like an aunt. There's plenty of unrelated people who act like aunts to other people's kids.

 

I doubt your marriage will last; I wouldn't want to stay with someone who could be spiteful to a little kid. It's about bad character.

 

Yesterday I saw a woman on Oprah who works at Starbucks. Had three kids of her own. Took on NINE other kids who needed a home. She's got a house full of love and you know what - that's in the end a TON more valuable than having extra bikes or televisions.

[Vega]

Because you are this baby's step-mother and this child is going to look up to you as a mother just like it's biological one. This baby is going to be in your life now. It's something you can either accept or divorce your husband and move on. Remember you don't owe ANYTHING to this other-woman but IMO you owe this baby the love you can give him/her.

 

I would have to admit this would be hard for me to swallow if I were in your shoes. It's easy to give advice on here when you aren't living it but us giving you advice, we can see the 'big picture' here. If you really want to get back at this woman, then treat this baby better than she would. That's something she has no control over and it would benefit this baby greatly.

 

I'm not going to be parenting this kid so it won't look up to me as a mother. It has a mother and I doubt if she would want me to mother her kid, I'm sure she loves it or she wouldn't have had it. If there was no mother in the picture and the kid was alone then I could see how I could 'step-up' and help if I wanted to, but now I wouldn't presume.

 

I'm not looking to get back at the OW. She contributed to the deception by having the affair too, but she owes me nothing and it was DH who betrayed me. I was mad at her at first and I wanted to hurt her too, but that was just because I just found out and was a natural response. We did go to counseling and that helped us a lot and I have coped with the affair itself and I know who is responsible for the decision to cheat on me instead of talking to me.

[Vega]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

That child is ABSOLUTELY NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. It is your peragative if you allow this child in your life or not. My ex-fiance had 2 kids from a previous marriage and tried to guilt me into the same thing, acting like since I became close to them during our relationship, I was somehow obligated to spend time with them/ financially support them after she left me (3 weeks before the planned extravaganza wedding that SHE wanted, but I financed). Sure it's not the kids fault that the breakup happened and they shouldn't have to suffer, but it wasn't my choice, it was hers. In your case, you don't owe that child anything. I feel that you are right in this situation.

 

Thank you! you explained it well, I didn't have the right words to use. I don' t have the obligation, DH does.

[moimeme]

Well, technically you are a stepmom and it will be good for the kid to have more parents. Whatever the situation which caused children to arrive, the fact they exist and are related to your spouse makes you a step-parent nominally. Just as I was stepmom to my ex's kids and he was stepdad, himself.

 

You don't have to be called a mother or take the place of a mother. Think of it as additional care for a child. Like I said, be like an aunt.

In your case, you don't owe that child anything

 

It's not about owing a child anything. It's about being a decent human being.

[Vega]

Originally posted by FolderWife

oH MY GOSH!!! Some people have some nerve What kind of a hoochy would sleep with a married man?! If some stupid woman tries to break up a marriage, then she deserves whatever she gets

 

And if she gets pregnant by being so STUPID as to sleep with a married man, then she doesn't deserve child support.

 

But if she gets child support out of him, HOW DARE SHE EXPECT HIM TO BUY HER A CAR WITH MONEY THAT SHOULD BELONG TO HIS WIFE AND HIS CHILDREN BY HIS WIFE

 

Gosh...some husbands are so stupid How selfish! Go stick your dick in a whore, and get her pregnant, while your wife and kids sit at home suffering from your stupid, selifish MISTAKE!

 

Tell her to get her own husband. Tell her to get her own family.

 

I was the other woman to an engaged man. I know how easily a dumb woman *like myself* can be duped. At first he was single. Then he was dating her but they were breaking up. Then he was engaged, but he was calling off the engagement. Then I realized that I was an idiot, and I broke up with him. I would expect him to pay for the child, because he lied to me and said he was single...but if you KNOWINGLY go out with a MARRIED MAN, I don't care if he DOES say he's getting a divorce, YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU GET!!! AND THAT'S USUALLY NOTHING!!!

 

Wow! I'm sorry for your pain. I have never been an OW so I can only imagine how humiliated and angry I would be if I fell for a man and then found out he lied and was married. I know that there are OW who knowingly choose to have affairs but I don't blame the kids they have. The kids father still should be responsible for the kid.

And if she gets pregnant by being so STUPID as to sleep with a married man, then she doesn't deserve child support.

The support is for the child, not the mother and the kid deserves financial support from both parents.

 

I understand the rage though. I was a basket case when I first found out and then I went into a depression. I agreed to counseling and it was really helping with my feelings of insecurity and with dealing with it and then bang! we find out she's going to have a baby in a few months. As my mother always said, we get what we pay for - and we pay for what we get. DH is paying and I want to make sure that it doesn't leak over to me paying for his mistakes.

[ANOTHER GUEST]

I agree with Pocky and some of the others who have supported the original poster's wish to keep the OW's child at arm's length (from herself and her children).

 

I believe absolutely in protecting and providing for the needs of all children. But the idea that somehow everything will be hunky-dory for the child if only the original poster would grow up and get over it is short-sighted and reactionary. The idea that this child will be lacking if not allowed to come into his/her biological father's home is silly. Yes, it's ideal when children have two residential, loving parents. But there are a lot of kids who don't have that, and many of them are doing very well with one loving parent.

 

People have this weird notion that children shouldn't be exposed to unpleasantness. Sure, this child might grow up to be many things, maybe she or he will find the cure for cancer. There are many paths to accomplishing great things. The things a child needs are stability, having physical needs met, and being the recipient of genuine love and affection. People might chastise the original poster for not wanting to open her home to a child she resents and does not love, but even if she could be convinced to change her mind on that front, does anyone honestly think that the resentment and lack of affection would just disappear the minute the child was allowed in the home? Even very young children are very perceptive about who likes them and who doesn't. Why would the former lover want to expose her child to someone she knows perfectly well wants nothing to do with the child?

[Vega]

Originally posted by Pocky

In my opinion, there are a few things that require your cooperation that I feel are non-negotiable regarding this child:

 

• Must allow father to adhere to the specifications listed in the custody case (eg. financial support).
  
• Must allow father to spend time allocated for this child.
  
• Must allow father to establish a loving relationship with this child.
  
• Must be forthright regarding familial connection between all children (at appropriate age).
  

 

In my opinion, you are not required to:

 

• Financially support the mother unless required to do so legally.
  
• Allow the child to enter your home.
  
• Spend time with the child.
  
• Force your children to spend time with the child.
  
• Spend time with the mother.
  
• Establish a relationship with this child.
  

 

Thank you. I agree 100%. I just don't say it as well. I have never tried to stop DH from seeing the other kid and if he wants to bond with it he can and will even if I were to try and prevent it. (I won't)

 

My only conditions are in your second list -- not entering my home or forcing me or my kids to spend time with that kid or its mother.

[lindya]

I'm trying to imagine what it's like to be in this position. I'm not a great fan of family secrets and mysteries, so for that reason alone I wouldn't be inclined to keep my own children "at arm's length" from the child. Children being as they are, they would probably be very curious about their father's other child and I think that whole area would require very sensitive handling. What I would want to avoid, at all costs, would be the prospect of adult resentment and bitterness being transmitted to innocent children - my own and the new child.

 

I think this is a situation I'd want spend a good bit of time figuring out how to handle wisely. I wouldn't want to encourage my children to believe that mummy was "cool" with the fact that daddy and another woman had had a baby together. On the other hand, I'd see it as vital that my children would be allowed - and, indeed, encouraged - to develop a positive relationship with their new sibling.

 

Regarding the child's mother, I would try to minimise my contact with her and would expect her to return the favour. There would never be any cosy little "harem" moments over tea and biscuits at the dining table. Nonetheless, I certainly wouldn't want to be the one responsible for barring her (or anyone's) child from his or her father's house.

[VirginiaBob]

No offense meant, but why don't you go take care of her DH's kid. He/she is no more related to her than to you. If this really disgusts you, take action and become another mother to this kid. You can really make a difference. Don't criticize others for not doing anything while you sit at home. Take action!

[shygurl]

I don't even have a clue why she's started a new thread on all of this - she already posted all about it in Pecan's thread. She's clearly firm in her opinion so I don't even know why she's posting all this again - it doesn't appear that she's asking for advice and she only seems civil to respondants when they're agreeing with her.

 

She's not answered the question about whether she'll object to her husband going over to his ex-lover's home to spend time with the child - as any father should do ..........considering she won't allow "IT" (as she refers to the poor child) onto her property. I find that odd.

 

I wonder if she's tried to get the root of WHY her husband had this affair? Surely things weren't so rosy @ home and he was searching for something he wasn't getting.

 

Seems she doesn't give a crap about him, she just wants to stick it to him big time, and indirectly to stick it to his child.

 

All I read is a lot of selfishness.........her obsession with material things for her OWN children. She seems very focused on money and very unsympathetic that this poor little child is "growing up on the wrong side of the tracks" (why did she even mention that except that she feels she and her brood are "better") -

 

She's apparently not even bothering to consider that her OWN children will surely sense (kids are smart) the enormous tension between her and her husband, and the obvious contempt she has for him - yeah, that's a great environment for children. She'd be better off to just leave him, get off her duff and get a job like lots of Moms do.

 

Yep, it's sad.

 

I also find it amazingly interesting that there's so many newcomers to this thread (and site) who are popping up just to take her side. Uh huh.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

 

No offense meant, but why don't you go take care of her DH's kid. He/she is no more related to her than to you. If this really disgusts you, take action and become another mother to this kid. You can really make a difference. Don't criticize others for not doing anything while you sit at home. Take action!

 

Um, dude....nobody is suggesting that she "take care of the kid".......and of course this child (or "it" as she refers to him/her) isn't related to her...but the child is related to her HUSBAND and is also a half-sibling to her OWN CHILDREN - she sounds so greedy that she wouldn't even be willing to allow her husband to give the poor kid some old second-hand toy that her kids no longer use.

 

And why are you accusing Moi of "sitting at home"? Last I heard, Moi works - and it seems to be "Guest" who proudly brags about staying at home with her perfect children.

 

With her hatred and attitude, maybe I CAN understand why MM cheat?

[VirginiaBob]

"she sounds so greedy that she wouldn't even be willing to allow her husband to give the poor kid some old second-hand toy that her kids no longer use. "

 

she never said that. You are obviously making an attempt to demonize her as shown in you other statements:

 

"With her hatred and attitude, maybe I CAN understand why MM cheat?"

 

Usually on this board you will see me throw some jokes around and will very rarely defend a woman like this, but this is a matter where her husband went out and impregnated another woman, I find it disgusting, and more disgusting what some of you are trying to do to her. She has been through enough. And whether she works or not is her business.

[moimeme]

but this is a matter where her husband went out and impregnated another woman, I find it disgusting

 

Then she vents her anger against the HUSBAND. How hard is this to comprehend?

[VirginiaBob]

she never said she was angry at the kid, she just said that she does not want to parent them, which is her perogative. The child already has parents.