So many tell me its wrong to have nothing to do with DH illigetimate child, why?

[shygurl]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

she never said she was angry at the kid, she just said that she does not want to parent them, which is her perogative. The child already has parents.

 

Well okay then, she won't even allow "it" to step foot onto her property or into her home - so then she should have no problems or right to object to her husband spending as much time as he feels is necessary as a father - over at his ex-lover's home - helping her with the baby, helping to care for the baby, taking the baby to doctor's appts, taking the child to the playground, etc.....................she doesn't leave him any other choice. Of course then she'll be worried that he's boinking his ex lover.

[VirginiaBob]

"Of course then she'll be worried that he's boinking his ex lover"

 

good point. i wouldn't trust this guy either.

[agnf666]

Shygurl and Virginiabob is right about this one!

 

 

WEll I can see it now... This child will never know his father at all. That is horrible. Even though this happen from the affair it's still an innocent child. When that child get's older it's going to have alot of questions to ask. So, I hope your prepared for that.

 

No amount of money will replace a parent figure in your life. He should spend time with the child it is his. What if he was to gain custody of the child? That would be interesting. How would you deal with that.

 

You should be supportive. You should let the kid come over and stuff. This is his child. You should have him over for holidays and things. He is apart of the family. The kid doesn't have the plague. Just if you keep the OW away that may help you.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by agnf666

Shygurl and Virginiabob is right about this one!

 

 

WEll I can see it now... This child will never know his father at all. That is horrible. Even though this happen from the affair it's still an innocent child. When that child get's older it's going to have alot of questions to ask. So, I hope your prepared for that.

 

No amount of money will replace a parent figure in your life. He should spend time with the child it is his. What if he was to gain custody of the child? That would be interesting. How would you deal with that.

 

You should be supportive. You should let the kid come over and stuff. This is his child. You should have him over for holidays and things. He is apart of the family. The kid doesn't have the plague. Just if you keep the OW away that may help you.

 

Yep, should something happen to the Mom, I see no reason why he wouldn't then be solely responsible for this child............what would she do if that happened?

 

The OW and him will have to share in the care and support of this child - what if she wants to go on a vacation or has to go away for a week for work or something - and she wants the father to care for the child ...then what's going to happen?

[VirginiaBob]

"Shygurl and Virginiabob is right about this one!"

 

huh? we had differing opinions?

[HokeyReligions]

Are you people reading the same posts?!

 

Guest/Vega said clearly that she is not stopping her husband from spending time with the other child. She clearly places the blame on her husband and not on the OW or the OW's child. She even mentioned that she would consider 'stepping up' if the OW were not in the picture! But she's dealing with the here and now and not with what-ifs.

 

She never mentioned that she would be worried about her husband 'boinking' the other woman -- that is something someone assumed along the way of this thread!

 

I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom! There is nothing shameful about that. Somewhere in the posts she mentions about how she supports him and his business -- that takes some talent and skill to support a successful spouse. The success is / should-be equal. My husband doesn't work or bring in a paycheck, but our finances are OURS. He is there for me in bad times and without his help and support there would be no good times. Its probably similar for her and her husband -- but here I'm guessing because I don't know their facts.

 

I would be concerned about someone else taking things I earned too, and a stay-at-home wife & mother earns the assets as much as the person whose name is on the paycheck.

 

If my husband got someone else pregnant while married to me I don't think I would want that child around either. Its not the same as an exwife or a child that was conceived before we were together.

 

I think she has some issues to work out - of course, she was horribly hurt and betrayed, but I don't think another child should be thrust upon her when she doesn't want it and is not ready for it. More than anything I think its her expectations and plans for her family not working out that is hurting her and she's trying to hold onto some semblanceof stability for her and her family. Going to counseling--which she said she did--and trying to maintain a stable home for her own children while she is suffering such emotional hurt is admirable. Keeping the surroundiings from changing and keeping as much consistency in the house as possible is important for the children -- all of them.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by agnf666

WEll I can see it now... This child will never know his father at all. That is horrible. Even though this happen from the affair it's still an innocent child. When that child get's older it's going to have alot of questions to ask. So, I hope your prepared for that.

 

Ok - so I'll play devil's advocate here.

 

In a case like this, it seems it would almost be better to treat the MM like the sperm donor he is, reduce him to a monthly check, cut off all contact insofar as the law will allow, and take the kid very far away, and start a new life without MM in it.

 

My mother gave me up for adoption, I had questions - and when she wormed her way back into my life later, those questions were answered and I saw how much better my life was without her in it. I'm GLAD she did not want me. My life would have gone down a bleak path with her - she could not then, nor could she ever have been the mother I needed. This kid may one day look back and realize how much better his life will be with two parents who love him, and not just some OW/MM/BS "parents" stuck in a resentful and legal mess.

 

Not every person is cut out to parent, and if this kid will be nothing but an inconvenient "it" in this man and his wife's life, then maybe not being in his life at all is a better option. If the OC stays in this situation, he will be saddled with the burden of his biological parent's mistakes - he will catch the full ostracisation for his mother's role. His half siblings will be taught (consciously or unconsciously - and unfairly) to dislike the OC for his inadvertent role in tearing apart this family. His mother will never be anything but a lesser OW in this situation, and as a result the child himself will be the lesser offspring. People don't want to think that will happen, but it will and it does. Unless the BS wants this child in her life on an equal standing with her own children, as a part of her family - then this OC doesn't have much of a chance.

 

Let's say that OW decides that she really wants to have her child's best interests in mind, realizes that MM will never be anything but a part-time father with the OW and OC on a lower priority - and decides to take this child out of this situation: to leave and start over. The kid may not know his biological father, but he may well have the opportunity with his mother finding an available man who wants to be a family with her, and provide the kid with a stable and happy home and a strong father figure. If OW stays in this current condition clinging on to MM in some vain hope that she will one day mean more to him emotionally if not financially then her child will never have anything but a half-assed MM for a father who will never be the full father figure that he needs to be for him/her. If she leaves with the OC, at the very least she will have a chance at providing a more hopeful situation for this kid.

[RecordProducer]

I would feel the same if I were in this woman's position. She really doesn't have to allow this kid visit her house.

As a matter of fact, by defending the OW and her child's rights, you guys open the door for new moral settings. If everyone would believe that it should have a perfect childhood and usurp the family's life, then many OW would start having YOUR husbands' kids, take the money and time that belongs to you and your kids, come to your house and ruin your life. So be careful what you stand for! You wouldn't want to be in this woman's shoes.

However, I think the father should see the child as it's already born and is his child after all.

The bad guy in this story is actually the mother who had a baby from a married man. She decided that her kid will grow up without a father. The husband is also not an angel, because he knew how babies are being made when he slept with the OW.

So we have two bad guys and two good guys here (the wife and the baby) whose destinies are co-related. Things will never be the same, but they will cool off. I think it would be best if this lady tried to accept the reality piece by piece.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by shygurl

The OW and him will have to share in the care and support of this child - what if she wants to go on a vacation or has to go away for a week for work or something - and she wants the father to care for the child ...then what's going to happen?

 

What she WANTED was to have a married man's baby. A baby he didn't WANT. She has (legally) no right to demand from him anything except financial support and that law was obviously brought so that the government doesn't have to support fatherless children.

 

I don't want to discuss contraception, abortion or the morality of this woman, but she did make her life complicated by having this kid. She brought it into a world that is unfair and hostile towards him or her from the very beginning.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

As a matter of fact, by defending the OW and her child's rights, you guys open the door for new moral settings. If everyone would believe that it should have a perfect childhood and usurp the family's life, then many OW would start having YOUR husbands' kids, take the money and time that belongs to you and your kids, come to your house and ruin your life.

 

That's interesting. I saw something like that on a 20/20 or 60 Minutes or some such show many years ago. The piece was about single women who purposely seek well-to-do married men to father their children so that they can invade their lives---and their bank accounts. I don't know if that's what this OW did, but it does happen.

 

I tried to put myself in the husbands place -- which I know I can't really do, but I can try -- and I wonder what it would be like to have two people making demands. Loyalty plays a huge part. I mean, what is the guy supposed to do, set up two separate households and have two 'perfect' families? Polygamy is not that popular and all parties would have to be in agreement beforehand. Or, he can divorce his wife and move out on his own and simply support both families from a distance. That would seem to me to be cheating everyone out of a stable home and everyone loses. I think it wouldn't take me long to crack in his position.

[brashgal]

what is the guy supposed to do

 

Keep his pants zipped or wear a friggin' condom!

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

What she WANTED was to have a married man's baby. A baby he didn't WANT. She has (legally) no right to demand from him anything except financial support and that law was obviously brought so that the government doesn't have to support fatherless children.

 

How do you know that for certain? Affairs thrive on dishonesty. MM may as well fed OW the line that a baby would make their relationship so much more special, more enduring. That divorce was forthcoming.

Of course, in the face of his wrathful wife he will be denying that. Of course he will be denying that OW was such a good lay, or that he really enjoyed spending time with OW. That is a tactic to save the marriage, and nothing more. As for the truth, that is something we will never find out. Judging by the harshness of the words of Vega, we can all form an idea, but nothing more than an idea, of her husband.

 

If MM and MW were to split up, that would create all kinds of economical / self-esteem (for some people the two of them are closely related) issues. From what Vega described, it is something she could not handle - and thus she stays in an otherwise dead marriage. Or she may do it for the kids, and in the process increasing the chances that they might end messed up themselves, as they had such a wonderful experience of a loving relationship between adults in their youth.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

MM may as well fed OW the line that a baby would make their relationship so much more special, more enduring. That divorce was forthcoming.

Of course, in the face of his wrathful wife he will be denying that. Of course he will be denying that OW was such a good lay, or that he really enjoyed spending time with OW.

 

Obviously that's not the case here. Ideally no woman would have a baby without the father's approval. We live in the 21st century, we don't have to have a baby every time we have sex. Unfortunately men have to be more careful as they don't have a say once the baby is conceived.

 

Vega is being extremely sane in a very insane situation. I admire her ability to approach the problem rationally and I support her personal views.

[d'Arthez]

Again, how can you be certain of that. Vega's husband had little problem lying to his wife to hide the affair, for as long as it lasted, so what makes you certain that he is telling the truth now? So how can you be certain that he did not feed lies to the OW?

 

If he were to say: "The sex was better. The conversation was better. And the nagging was less severe", he were not making a serious attempt to save the marriage would he?

[jmargel]

Vega you are now this baby's stepmom. Please stop referring to the baby as an 'it'. IMO there is no difference from this child's eyes on whether you married your husband before or after this baby being born. You (IMO) still have a responsibility to show this child love, to include him/her into your life, your children's lives and your husband's life. You are ALL a family now. If you can't accept this then like I said before maybe it's best you leave.

 

This baby is not a 'thing' or an object. This child did not ask to be born in this type of circumstance. If you believe in God, how would you feel if he looked down upon you and didn't think you deserved to be treated good just because you were born out of a particular circumstance?

 

This OW and this baby are TWO different topics. You don't seem to understand that.

[Vega]

Thank you to those who have showm some understanding and support. Thats what i was told this site was about, but mostly it seems no different than a teenaegrs catty little chat room.

 

Im not going to explain about my marriage or my DH because that's not important and is a seprate issue. I am not this childs parent and I don't owe it love or a family anymore than I owe any of your children another mother or another home. the kid has a family of its own and is no different from any other kid born otu of wedlock, better off than many becasue DH is not going to shirk his finaincial obligations and whatever he decides to do as far as his relationship with the kid is up to him, not me. i'm not part of that part of it.

 

a few people understood what i was writing but many completely mis-understood what i said and decided that i meant something else or just made up stuff as they read so they could make me the badguy. Im not and I know it so thats fine.

 

DH is not going to bring his illigitmate offspring into our home. ALL of us have agreed on that. Hes giving financial support and can be there if hes needed or if he wants. OW is no more responsible to offer my children a home and a new mommy than I am required to offer it to her child.

[scratch]

Originally posted by Vega

Thank you to those who have showm some understanding and support. Thats what i was told this site was about, but mostly it seems no different than a teenaegrs catty little chat room.

 

Sorry if you've addressed these already, but I didn't notice it. My questions:

 

Do you think the child has a right to emotional support from his father? If not, what rights does it have, if any? If so, do you feel that it can enjoy that right of emotional support and still be banned from your home?

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by jmargel

Vega you are now this baby's stepmom. Please stop referring to the baby as an 'it'. IMO there is no difference from this child's eyes on whether you married your husband before or after this baby being born. You (IMO) still have a responsibility to show this child love, to include him/her into your life, your children's lives and your husband's life. You are ALL a family now. If you can't accept this then like I said before maybe it's best you leave.

 

So this baby is now the center of the universe and everyone should show him/her love and support. You say she may leave if she doesn't like it. What about her children? Why are they less important than this new born and why would she put this baby's interests before her own?

 

The OW decided to have a fatherless baby. She created those unfair circumstances for her child. If she had a problem with the idea of abortion, she shouldn't have spread her legs for a married man. She used him as a sperm donor and now is using him for his money. How can they all be a family? There are two women with kids here and only one man. Vega didn't create this situation and she doesn't have to pay for it or leave. She owes the OW and her kid nothing.

 

Speaking from the moral point of view, I think it's very immoral to have a child from a man who doesn't want the child in the first place. It's unfair to the man and the baby. In this case it's also unfair to the wife and her two children. Vega is the victim here, the OW is the one whose actions caused the whole mess. And some of you think that Vega should feel like she is the evil one while the OW is her husband's victim. The OW (and the husband) made a choice that affected the lives of 6 people. Vega didn't make any wrong choices.

 

How would you men feel if some insignificant sex partner of yours decided to have your baby and you find out about it when you just fell in love with someone else and plan your future with her? I intentionally excluded the cheating part in this question, because I want to make a point that having a baby without the father's consent is unfair. He was unfaithful and dumb for letting this happen, but the OW brought this baby into this world. For the MM, this kid will always be a big stupid mistake. At least in the first few years.

 

And she is NOT this baby's step-mother whatsoever!

[jmargel]

Originally posted by Vega

Thank you to those who have showm some understanding and support. Thats what i was told this site was about, but mostly it seems no different than a teenaegrs catty little chat room.

 

Im not going to explain about my marriage or my DH because that's not important and is a seprate issue. I am not this childs parent and I don't owe it love or a family anymore than I owe any of your children another mother or another home. the kid has a family of its own and is no different from any other kid born otu of wedlock, better off than many becasue DH is not going to shirk his finaincial obligations and whatever he decides to do as far as his relationship with the kid is up to him, not me. i'm not part of that part of it.

 

a few people understood what i was writing but many completely mis-understood what i said and decided that i meant something else or just made up stuff as they read so they could make me the badguy. Im not and I know it so thats fine.

 

DH is not going to bring his illigitmate offspring into our home. ALL of us have agreed on that. Hes giving financial support and can be there if hes needed or if he wants. OW is no more responsible to offer my children a home and a new mommy than I am required to offer it to her child.

 

Personally really consider on WHY your husband had an affair to begin with. If you have this attitude towards other things within your life & marriage no wonder he sought what he was missing in another woman. This affair wasn't just about sex. If you think it was then you are totally mistaken. Alot of deeper issues are involved in this. The affair was just a topic, dig deep to find the issues on WHY it happened. There is a reason for everything.

 

If you were coming on here looking for support on why you should not love your step-daughter/son and accept this child into your home then good luck. You'll only find others who have maybe scorn like you for similiar advice. With your attitude this baby is destined to have problems while growing up. This poor child is going to wonder why their step-mom hates them so much. Everytime you think of this baby you think about him cheating on you, don't you? This child represents a symbol of what your husband did to you, on how the marriage vows were broken. It's going to be a constant reminder that your marriage has taken a turn for the worse.

 

I believe that's what you really are showing here. Your heart is still wounded and the last thing you want to think of is that this feeling is never going to go away because of this child being here. If you learn to truly accept what happened and find out the real reason WHY it happened, deal with that reason and then overcome it, you'll find yourself accepting this child into your life. This child is not bad, just because this child is a byproduct of this OW, doesn't mean this baby endorses what went on. I'm sure if this baby could speak today it would agree with you on how wrong this cheating was.

 

As a step-mom it IS your responsibility to love this child, to accept this child in to your home and allow your other children to have a step-brother/sister. IMO this marriage is NOT going to work unless you get past these issues. You are going to resent not only this baby, but your husband which will then affect the rest of your children in a negative way. I'm not saying you are selfish, because you are mainly hurt right now. It's dealing with this hurt that is going to be the tough part but it's something you must do if you want this marriage to last.

[jmargel]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

So this baby is now the center of the universe and everyone should show him/her love and support. You say she may leave if she doesn't like it. What about her children? Why are they less important than this new born and why would she put this baby's interests before her own?

The OW decided to have a fatherless baby. She created those unfair circumstances for her child. If she had a problem with the idea of abortion, she shouldn't have spread her legs for a married man. She used him as a sperm donor and now is using him for his money.

How can they all be a family? There are two women with kids here and only one man. Vega didn't create this situation and she doesn't have to pay for it or leave. She owes the OW and her kid nothing.

Speaking from the moral point of view, I think it's very immoral to have a child from a man who doesn't want the child in the first place. It's unfair to the man and the baby. In this case it's also unfair to the wife and her two children. Vega is the victim here, the OW is the one whose actions caused the whole mess. And some of you think that Vega should feel like she is the evil one while the OW is her husband's victim. The OW (and the husband) made a choice that affected the lives of 6 people. Vega didn't make any wrong choices.

And she is NOT this baby's step-mother whatsoever!

 

I never said her children are less important, I'm saying they are equally important. The issue of loving this child and accepting it so that it may have a father and step-brothers & sisters is totally seperate than what this OW is doing. Her trying to get money for a new car, etc.. is wrong. I agree there. Let the lawyers take care of that.

 

There are alot of families with two women and one man, just like there are families with two men & one woman. This is from having children from previous relationships. She owes the OW nothing but she owes her step-child the same love that she has for her children and her husband. The OW didn't just cause this 'mess' her husband did as well. However that is done and can't be changed. What can be changed is how she is dealing with this. And SHE IS THIS BABY'S STEP-MOTHER!

[Vega]

Originally posted by scratch

Sorry if you've addressed these already, but I didn't notice it. My questions:

 

Do you think the child has a right to emotional support from his father? If not, what rights does it have, if any? If so, do you feel that it can enjoy that right of emotional support and still be banned from your home?

 

In a perfect world the kid should have emotional support from its father. There are lots of fathers incapable of or don't want to give emotional support. DH said he would take an interest in the kid, but since he doesn't love the mother of the kid its harder to bond with the kid.

 

If DH does bond with the kid then he can do it at the kids house, not mine so yes the kid can have its father in its life and in the kids own home.

 

if DH wants to have the kid live with him, then hes going to have to move out and leave me and our children and DH doesn't want to do that, he wants to continue to work on our family and I have agreed to that. that means no contact between me and OW and OWs kid. DH has limited contact with the kid because its so small so he has to be in contact with OW to see the kid and DH doesn't want that, besides the kid doesn't know who DH is yet, and thats no different from any other single parent whose kids are not visited by their biological parent.

 

I am not responsible for this kid and I don't even know what sex it is. I don't care what sex the baby is that is born to someone else I don't know on the other side of town either. It doesn't make any difference.

 

I know some fo you are curious why DH had an affair and that is a separate issue and you can nevermind it - i have/am dealt with it.

 

i'm not going to parent this kid and the OW is not going to parent mine. i came here to see if i could figure out why people were so hateful toward me and now i know and i feel so much better because i know its not me, it's the people who jump around and make things up and speak otu of misplaced anger and who don't seem to understand that loyalty and trust are fragile. Or they are bleedinghearts who think that we all owe each other something, no matter how much pain was cause or how big the surprise. i seriously doubt if those who are so condemning of me would say to their beloved husband upon finding out that they they cheated and fathered a baby "A BABY?! How wonderful! I'll just love it -- when can I see it and bring it home? I can't wait!"

 

Would you hsubands expect and demand that your wives to love and embrase your kid from an affair? "hi honey, i'm home. guess what? i'm going to be a father, isnt' that great? lets paint the guest room as a nursery. sorry, you don't get to pick out a name, but you can love the baby and mother it and it's half mine so that should be just great"

[RecordProducer]

Sorry, I find it hard to comprehend why Vega needs to think and act in a way that would be in this baby's best interest. It's good to be nice and help people, but she needs to make a huge sacrifice on her part just so that this child is happy. She can play with the dealt cards, but why TF would she try so hard to make this kid happy? She and the OW are natural enemies, like dogs and cats, like eagles and rabbits.

 

I think it would make me very happy if all you LS-ers send $1,000 to my account. So will you please? It's your moral duty to make others happy, right?

[scratch]

Originally posted by Vega

If DH wants to have the kid live with him, then hes going to have to move out and leave me and our children and DH doesn't want to do that, he wants to continue to work on our family and I have agreed to that. that means no contact between me and OW and OWs kid.

 

This seems pretty reasonable to me. It's selfish, but that doesn't make it wrong.

 

You have a man willing to be with you under the condition you demand, that he choose you over his illegitimate child. If he didn't want to be with you under those terms, he has the option of leaving.

 

I suppose the potential consequence to you is that he changes his mind, or patiently waits for a time when he can exact revenge on you for putting him in a position to choose between two unpleasant alternatives. No matter what one's actions are, if one is willing to bear the consequences for them, I respect their choice.

 

If people here disagree with you, it may serve you best to consider what they say. But, at the end of the day, do what you want, so long as you're willing to accept any fallout.

[midori]

Hello everyone,

 

I'd like everyone reading and posting in this thread to take a moment to refresh their memories about the principles that govern posting here at LoveShack.org. Please review: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45340/

 

And please pay particular attention to the following:

 

I would also like to suggest, to all members and guests, that you consider whether you are posting in order to explore an issue that you have some questions about, and about which you would like to get insight from other people, or if you are simply posting a manifesto/rant and are actually uninterested in hearing other views. We do have a “Rants” section in the off-topic area, so there is a space for such posts on this site. But if you’ve shared your view on a subject and other posters don’t appear to agree, you must decide if continuing to post in that thread will serve to further the discussion, or if it will merely allow you to have the last word.

 

I've had to delete several posts from this thread that are simply castigating those who hold different opinions. Such posts only fan the flames of hostility and do nothing towards constructive discussion of the issue at hand. If this continues the thread will be closed.

 

Thanks for your cooperation.

[Girlie]

You know, I hate to say it....but I really, really hope that if my ex ever marries that he does not end up with a woman like this. Granted, my ex and I had our child when we were both single, but we are not in love and the thought of some woman saying my child might cramp her luxurious life style or that because we are not in love, it's hard for my ex to bond with our son makes me sick. Of course if my ex were ever willing to go along with someone like that, HE'S the one who would have hell to pay from me, not her.

That being said, it's true this woman doesn't owe this child anything. However, she has chosen to stay with the man who fathered this child. If the father wishes to be involved with this child (and he should, it's his kid regardless of how it came into this world), her thinking that she can keep herself totally separate from her man's other children is NOT very realistic, and could very likely end up ending a marriage that's already in trouble.