So many tell me its wrong to have nothing to do with DH illigetimate child, why?

[Vega]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Sorry, I find it hard to comprehend why Vega needs to think and act in a way that would be in this baby's best interest. It's good to be nice and help people, but she needs to make a huge sacrifice on her part just so that this child is happy. She can play with the dealt cards, but why TF would she try so hard to make this kid happy? She and the OW are natural enemies, like dogs and cats, like eagles and rabbits.

 

I think it would make me very happy if all you LS-ers send $1,000 to my account. So will you please? It's your moral duty to make others happy, right?

 

Thank you. I have been trying to understand why it should be my responsibility too. At first I didn't want DH to have anything to do with OW or the kid either but that was out of initial shock and anger and I realized that DH has a responsibility to the kid and I feeel I'm acting in the kids best interest by not standing in the way of that. its still wrenches my heart when he has to talk t me about it and about how th emoney is spent and what he needs to do, but I deal with it cause I have to.

 

I even agreed to a car for OW only because hers is so unreliable. DH is getting the title for hers and will take it himself to trade it in for a better running used car. OW agreed to that and I agreed to that only because i wouldn't want to be without transportation with kids who need things and DH and i discussed how much money to spend on this with our attorney.

 

it's true this woman doesn't owe this child anything. However, she has chosen to stay with the man who fathered this child. If the father wishes to be involved with this child (and he should, it's his kid regardless of how it came into this world), her thinking that she can keep herself totally separate from her man's other children is NOT very realistic, and could very likely end up ending a marriage that's already in trouble.

i know that things change and i'll have more to deal with as the kid grows up and we are dealing with the possibilitys as they pertain to our marriage now. At some point I'll probably find out what sex the kid is and there may be a time when the kid wants to see where its father lives. we will deal with that later and i won't be step-parenting the kid or baby-sitting the kid ever.

 

 

You know, I hate to say it....but I really, really hope that if my ex ever marries that he does not end up with a woman like this. Granted, my ex and I had our child when we were both single, but we are not in love and the thought of some woman saying my child might cramp her luxurious life style or that because we are not in love, it's hard for my ex to bond with our son makes me sick. Of course if my ex were ever willing to go along with someone like that, HE'S the one who would have hell to pay from me, not her.

 

a lot of people don't seem to grasp the hole dynamic of the situation. if DH had kids from a prior marriage or relationship I would not have any issues because i woul dhave known about before i married him and it would not have been a betrayl and DH would have already bonded with the kids and *I* would be the one being introduced (not forced) into the whole family dynamic. you are talking about your ex - did he cheat on you and get someone pregnant when you were married? If your ex remarries then your kid won't be a surprise to his new wife and she won't feel that she's having to give up something or force her own kids to give up something for a new surprise. there is a huge difference. If DH and I do divorce and he remarries I wouldn't want it to be to a woman who would shun my children either, and I would be shocked if that were to happen because DH's new wife would already know my kids and know about me and their plans from the start would include everyone.

 

would also like to suggest, to all members and guests, that you consider whether you are posting in order to explore an issue that you have some questions about, and about which you would like to get insight from other people, or if you are simply posting a manifesto/rant and are actually uninterested in hearing other views. We do have a “Rants” section in the off-topic area, so there is a space for such posts on this site. But if you’ve shared your view on a subject and other posters don’t appear to agree, you must decide if continuing to post in that thread will serve to further the discussion, or if it will merely allow you to have the last word.

 

thank you. I did want insight from others because for a while all i was hearing was bashing and i wanted to know why and also i was looking for some support. i got a mixture here and that is fine - i don't expect everyone to think like me and even the n astier posts helped my personal resolve because i know that i'm not a bad person and that i'm a good mother.

 

i do want to say one more thing tho: many people answered very emotionally. they were angered at the little bit of information i was able to post. try and amplify that and understand how enormous the emotional pain is when going through this whole situation and try to imagine all the details that could possibly come up especially when two people are trying to save a marriare from the infidelity of one and then add an illigitamate baby to the mix. its not easy. thank you everyone.

[RecordProducer]

Vega, when I married my ex-husband he had a little girl from his first marriage. Her mother died in a car accident when she was 11 months old. We hooked up two months later and started living together when she was 18 months old.

I was only 23 and not only did I NOT realize how difficult it was to take care of another person's kid, but he expected me to replace her mother and spent all his available time with her and not with me. I got pregnant and he was still 100% hers and we were at the 16th place.

When I would talk to people about this, they would say "well, you should do what is best for the child!"

That would shut me up, cuz I couldn't shout out loud "what about me? aren't I important? why is his daughter so important and I am not?"

Even if I would say anything, they would say "you knew that he had a child from his first marriage." Yes, I knew, but that didn't give him the right to marry me, make two children with me, and spend all his time with his daughter. He even told me "you have two sons and I have only one daughter." Believe it or not, what he meant was that parents and kids of the opposite sex were closer to each other so lucky me I had TWO kids of the opposite sex while he had only ONE.

I hated her, I fantasized about her death, I wanted her to not exist. Even he admitted that things between us would have been much different if she didn't exist.

Who cares what's best for this kid? You are YOU and you take care of your own life. These people who criticize you know nothing about what it feels like. They are used to thinking about themselves and it's easy for them to say that you should worry ONLY about what's best for this baby while you wish it was never born.

Why would a baby be more innocent than a 30 or 40-year old woman who did nothing wrong to deserve this? Yet you suffer so much..

[Vega]

Oh RecordProducer, how aweful. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Even going into a relationship knowing about a baby doesn't guarantee how the baby's father will act or should act. It sounds like he betrayed his vows to you as he was making the vow! I think that is a worse betrayal than falling away or breaking a vow at a later date. it sounds like he just used you like an object to fill a place. Is he there for the kids you two had together?

[PatientOne]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

 

I hated her, I fantasized about her death, I wanted her to not exist. Even he admitted that things between us would have been much different if she didn't exist.

 

Perhaps you should refrain from giving advice until you've dealt with your own issues, RP.

 

Vega,

 

I understand your pain, I really do. I raised a child as my own from one of my wife's affairs, so I had to deal with many of the problems you are trying to cope with now.

 

Is it possible however, that you may be able to find a spot in your heart for this child who was born of your husband whom you love? It's a baby, one that deserves loving, never-mind the circumstances of its birth. Maybe, just maybe you'll see this child and part of the pain you feel will start to evaporate. I'm not saying this will happen of course, but do you not have enough love in your heart for you to try? Is your world not large enough to bring another human being into it to care for, even if indirectly?

 

Please try to separate your anger and hurt from this child's circumstances. Your life will be richer for it.

[Girlie]

"""Who cares what's best for this kid? You are YOU and you take care of your own life. These people who criticize you know nothing about what it feels like. They are used to thinking about themselves and it's easy for them to say that you should worry ONLY about what's best for this baby while you wish it was never born.""""

 

It's not fair to generalize and say that everyone who doesn't agree with Vega is used to only thinking about themselves. And quite frankly, no one said she should ONLY worry about what's best for this baby. But I don't think it's ok to take the other stance either and worry about ONLY what's best for yourself. There's a middle ground.

Furthermore, hearing people talk about fantasizing about a child's death is disgusting. I'm sorry. I have some sympathy for those who take on children they are not ready for, but NONE for someone who hates a poor child so much they'd want them to be dead. That's horrifying.

[Vega]

Originally posted by Girlie

 

Furthermore, hearing people talk about fantasizing about a child's death is disgusting. I'm sorry. I have some sympathy for those who take on children they are not ready for, but NONE for someone who hates a poor child so much they'd want them to be dead. That's horrifying.

 

It's scarier seeing it in writing, but I can understand how much th ehuman heart grieves and how the human mind can becom so exhausted from the grief that it wanders into the 'if only' area - if only the child had never been born--- then the mind will try to reason it out and know that it can't change time back-- so the mind will then give a scenario that is feasible to achieve what the heart wants -- the only way to make the child disappear is if the child died. Its a lot different than thinking up stuff -- the feelings generate the thoughts without the person being aware of it. Its hard to explain but that deep of a hurt its understandable that RP would have these feelings and thoughts go through her mind and heart.

 

Maybe I'm wrong RP, but I bet it wasnt the kid personally that you wished did not exist, but what she represented --the taking away of your husbands time and love. And I'll bet you felt horrible and scared too that those thoughts and feelings were even inside you! Pain of betrayal does strange and scarey things to us.

[moimeme]

These people who criticize you know nothing about what it feels like. They are used to thinking about themselves and it's easy for them to say that you should worry ONLY about what's best for this baby while you wish it was never born.

 

You have no idea what you're talking about. As in zero. Kindly cease speculating on the lives of the people who disagree with you.

Why would a baby be more innocent than a 30 or 40-year old woman who did nothing wrong to deserve this? Yet you suffer so much..

 

Oh puleeeeeeeeeeeze! Adults comprehend what's going on. They can see shrinks. They deal. Kids don't understand why people hate them for nothing. It can scar them. It's shocking that you would even ask such a self-serving, self-pitying question. So you had a bad time. Deal.

[Sexy Kitty]

You owe nothing to the other woman. How dare she try to get a car out of your husband! How evil and low.