How often does a victim, abuse as an adult?

[almostthere]

First off i want to start by saying nothing in this post is meant to offend anyone. my bf and i are talking about marriage. last night we got into one of our deep talks about what our worries and fears are. i am a divorced/single mom of a 7 year old boy and a 4 year old girl. we have been together a year and half. my bf told me after a few weeks of dating that he was strongly disciplined as a child. not beaten like i think most people think "typical" abuse is. but when he did something bad his father would really really hurt him. all of his fathers brothers were the same with their kids. my bf had a cigar put out on his back because he was caught smoking it. hit with belts, spoons, shoes basically whatever including hands. ok...in my opinion he was abused. he doesnt think so because he was acting badly and needed to be punished. he does realize after our talks that a grounding would of been enough. his uncles took their sons and threw them through walls and beat them with bicycle chains when they were bad. my bf told me last night that it really concerns him because he doesnt know if he will react like that when we move in together and starts to discipline my children. my son has been spanked 2 times in 7 years and my daughter a little more under the advice of a counselor because her tempertantrums were so bad. but all in all my rule is if you respect a child they will return the respect to you. and my kids are very well behaved i believe because of this. i dont hit or spank my children. even when i did with my daughter i cried in another room almost everytime. i hated doing it. so i stopped after about the fourth time. and the counselor and i worked out something else. basically time outs. anyway...all i know is i have always been afraid he would be like his dad or his dads brothers because thats what he knows. you know...the cycle. and i know deep down inside that if he ever raised a hand, fist, spoon, belt...whatever...to my children i would go mad. to the point that thats grounds for divorce to me. thats not a work on it thing. he knows this already so thats his warning. my question is this....

 

I know that the "cycle" doesnt have to continue. but because this is learned at such a young age are my concerns real? he doesnt seem like he could harm more then a spider and he has never even acted or came accross that he was going to hit me. people can be different from their parents right? right now i am the only authority figure to my kids because he has just started to be around them one day a week. i didnt think anything of it anymore but since he mentioned it i am wondering what made him think about it. but this scares me because i cannot even imagine what i would do if he did any of that to my kids.

[tiki]

Well, he'll either live like it or stray from it. My boyfriend/fiance at a very young age (15-18) had always told me that he'd never do it because his father did it to him. He ended up assaulting me on a couple different occasions. He chose to follow his father's footsteps I assume.

 

I don't want to discourage you, by any means. It can go either way. I'd be more weary, but that's just me. Hopefully he's seen what it can do to a family and won't ever live life like that.

 

He could end up being the most non-violent person you could choose be with....who knows!

[Craig]

It's a good thing that your bf is thoughtful and concerned. If he wasn't then I'd think you'd have more to worry about.

 

Like Tiki said, he could be the most non-violent person you'll ever know.

 

There's a story about two brothers, their father was an irresponsible alcoholic and beat them constantly. One brother dropped out of school, turned to a life of drugs and crime and spent most of his life in jail. The other brother did well in school, went to college, became very successful and had a wonderful family. When each brother was asked why they turned out the way they did, they both had the same answer..."with a father like that, how else could I turn out."

[Cordet]

My advice:

 

Do not give him leeway to discipline your children until he has *seen* how you do it and gotten the message about what's okay and what's not - and feels comfortable that he's not going to overdo it.

 

I would be very concerned. Your BF comes from a very messed up family, and once he sees with his own eyes and truly understands that it doesn't have to be that way, the way his family did things, don't be surprised if he goes on an emotional roller coaster ride. He's going to need a lot of love and patience.

 

Good luck.

[moimeme]

...in my opinion he was abused. he doesnt think so because he was acting badly and needed to be punished.

 

IMHO, if someone who has been beaten doesn't acknowledge it as abuse and thinks it was deserved, that's a bad sign. It means that he has the mindset that children can do things to 'deserve' being beaten.

 

he does realize after our talks that a grounding would of(sic) been enough

 

But would he stop himself from doing something else? What you need to do is expose him to your kids for long periods of time at a stretch, particularly when they're likely to act up. Then you can see how he reacts - what does he consider to be punishable behaviour? Will he get annoyed when the kids are just being kids or will he get angry appropriately, i.e. when they do something really wrong? Does he really love kids and get along with them or does he consider them an unruly nuisance?