New Member - Unfaithful Wife Blues

[AntiSocial]

Just joined the forum. Nice place here.

 

My wife and I have been married for almost six years. I've loved her with all my heart but things have gotten pretty bad in the past several months. My wife finally made the ultimatum that we need to go to marriage counseling and I reluctantly agreed. (I've had bad experiences with counselors in the past). We've been going to our doctor for almost 8 months now and I HAVE felt that it has done some good. I'm currently on Lexapro which has helped my mood tremendously.

 

One of my main problems is with intimacy. I endured serious abuse when I was a child: mental, verbal, physical & sexual. I DO WANT to have sex but I have a very tough time initiating it. Even when I honestly KNOW my wife wants to have sex, I have trouble getting the courage to initiate it. I have issues trusting people, letting down my guard and relaxing. All of these make this 36 year old feel like a big loser.

 

I recently discovered that my wife is/has been having an affair with one of her coworkers for close to two years now. I feel like someone has explained The Sixth Sense to me - all the clues were there - I just didn't see them. The usual: her working very late, her having to come in to work on the weekends, her going to lunch with him and stealing away. I've been so in love with her, it just didn't occur to me that she would cheat on me but it looks pretty obvious now.

 

Just the thought of them making love infuriates me. She used to tell me she thought *I* would be having an affair since we rarely made love. She'd say, "If you're not getting it at home, you must be getting it elsewhere." Little did I know that phrase would apply to her...

 

We both keep online journals at LiveJournal.com and she even went as far as to chronicle her sexual exploits in a separate journal of hers. The writing is pretty erotic - except that it rips me to shreds that *I* am the husband she is screwing around on.

 

We're both talking about whether or not we think the marriage can be saved. She says she doesn't know what she wants anymore and that she just wants to be alone. She claims she still loves me very much but I can't bear to still be married to her when she (for all I know) is still messing around with her coworker.

 

What can I do? I still love her even though I am extremely hurt by this affair. I honestly do not know if I trust her enough to break off the affair and stop seeing this other man. Can this marriage be saved? SHOULD this marriage be saved? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[westernxer]

It's up to you if you want to save your marriage. If not, then don't go to counseling. The fact that your wife cheated on you because she assumed you were doing likewise indicates a communication breakdown, at the very least. Does she know about your past?

 

Oh, and please send me the links to your lovejournal entries... now I'm curious.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

How very sad for you. Your wife has been screwing another man for the past two years behind your back. I would find it very difficult for you to wish to stay in the marriage. It means she found it quite easy to lie and betray you and even bragged about it in an online journal. This is total humiliation and disrespect to you. In addition, she has put your health at great risk. I would demand she be checked for STD's. I would suggest that you move on. How can you look back for the past two years during your anniversaries and not get sick knowing she was betraying you this way? There is no way you would ever be able to trust her. My goodness, she is bragging about it on the internet. She is toxic to you. You need to move on because you really don't have a marriage. If the OM is married you should immediately contact his spouse. I wish you luck.

[jmargel]

So let's break this down into parts:

 

1) You were abused mentally, physically and sexually as a child

2) You have intimacy and trust issues due to this

3) You married a woman (assuming she knew your past previous to this)

4) Problems came about due to past abuse

5) She was not getting what she needed in the marriage

6) She has cheated on you for the past two years

 

She has been cheating on you for 25% of your marriage. Has it been with just this one man? If she's not willing to let this guy go then there is no hope for recoiliation. Marriage counseling is the best thing for both of you right now. What does the MC say?

 

Has she expressed any remorse for what she's done? She says she loves you, yet she is still with this man?

 

Don't you realize that you are letting this abuse happen to you all over again? Someone in your past took advantage of you in the most intimate way and now you are letting your wife do this to you again. My advice would be to give her an ultamatium. If you don't you'll just get dragged through the mud and it will eventually end (the marriage) anyways. Love must be tough, and you must stand up for yourself once and for all. She has to WANT to be with you to make this work and the only way she will be able to see this, if she finally realizes what she is going to lose.

 

Like you said you feel like a loser, when you protray that to her then you are not making yourself attractive to her or anybody else. It also puts yourself into a dangerous situation within' yourself. Women like a man who has confidence who is able to stand up for himself and to say 'Im worth being with'. When you said your marriage vows it was only between you two. Vows are only words if they aren't followed.

 

Don't base your own self-worth on your wife or anybody else. You being in this pity stage is only going to result in her continuing this affair. Give her the cold shoulder, don't plead with her, don't beg with her. Tell her how YOU feel, not a lecture on what she's doing wrong but on how it's making you feel. Tell her you want a decision by Friday. If she doesn't choose or doesn't want to end it with him, then take her things and tell her to leave. Don't back down on this. Read the other posts on here, where others have been cheated on. It's only when the cheater faces this ultamatium that things start to change.

 

How long ago did you find out about this affair? Why are you reading details about what she is doing and why is she posting them? That's just messed up and not showing you ANY respect. It's because you are not showing yourself respect. Tolerating this behavior is just pushing yourself lower and lower. It's time for you to start fighting for yourself. Don't let yourself become a victim a second time around.