Me again - Husband said too sore to have sex?

[Mr. Lucky]

Also I feel that he's ready to throw in the divorce towel much more easily than I am. It's easy for me to look through divorce websites and prepare myself for that possible day, but I know deep down that I would still be devasted and afraid of the unknown.

 

Your communication is so bad, your picture could be on the counseling brochure. I'd bet a trained therapist could teach you both how to discuss and yes, even argue, without it being the end of the world each time.

 

Make an appointment tomorrow...

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

Blaming you for everything and being cold with you until you apologise, is emotional abuse.

 

I doubt that this is the only form of abuse in your relationship.

 

Take a look at this list and see what applies:

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

 

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

 

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

 

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

 

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

 

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

 

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

 

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

 

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

 

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

 

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

 

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

 

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

 

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

 

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

 

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

 

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

 

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

 

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

 

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

 

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

 

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

 

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

 

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

 

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

 

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

 

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

 

28. They share personal information about you with others.

 

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

 

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

 

(Credit is due to Barrie Davenport, the originator of this list.)

 

 

Be aware, that even if only one of the points above apply, you still have a problem.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Wow...this list covers about 99.9% of the population if even one of the points apply...it reads like a horoscope.

[Satu]

Wow...this list covers about 99.9% of the population if even one of the points apply...it reads like a horoscope.

 

I think more like 2 - 5 percent of the population.

 

They are the ones you see on the street, looking dejected and unhappy.

 

Most people are getting along fine.

[standtall]

I think more like 2 - 5 percent of the population.

 

They are the ones you see on the street, looking dejected and unhappy.

 

Most people are getting along fine.

 

Must be in the land of Oz. Who exactly are "the ones you see on the street"? Is that a rhetorical statement or are there really people on the street that you see like this? I live in the suburbs...there are few people on the street.

 

Most people are getting along just fine?.....I don't think so...just read this forum.

 

Just because you say it's true doesn't make it true no matter how hard you wish it to be.

 

Realgril..this is reality where we live in. There are going to be all kinds of people that say mean things to you in real life, and they are not all the devil. I would give that list the due diligence in deserves and move on.

 

Being cold to you and blaming you for everything until you apologize....for sleeping with someone else while being married...doesn't sound like emotional abuse to me, but just a normal reaction to someone you're pretty pissed off at. You committed a major betrayal...you swore an oath to him and God, and signed a contract...most people are going to be mad.

Edited September 12, 2016 by standtall

[Realgrl]

I keep posting here. Any how I was thinking of last weekend (this was before we argued about something little) where he told me he was too sore to have sex. This raised an eyebrow for me because we only had sex twice that week. Granted The sex was twice in the same day but how can he still be "sore" the next day?

 

This year I noticed we don't have sex very frequently - maybe 3 times a week. This is a big change from last year and years past where we would have it 6 -7 times a week!

 

Should I be worried and is he masturbating instead of having sex with me?

 

we are both 35 years old.

[stillafool]

Did you ask him if he is masturbating between sex with you and why has sex with you slowed down since last year? He has the answers to your questions.

[GorillaTheater]

"Sore" covers a lot of ground and not just his equipment. Did he recently do any heavy labor?

[GunslingerRoland]

Yeah I have the same question, do you mean his penis is sore or his body is sore? As someone with a history of back problems I know I've been too sore to have sex and it's not fun.

 

 

If it's his penis, he's either masturbating too much, or you are too dry and need to use lube.

[elaine567]

Sore penis: whether you should worry

Sore penis: what causes it and how to treat it

Soreness of the penis is a common symptom, especially in younger men. Fortunately, in most cases the cause turns out to be nothing serious

[CarrieT]

This year I noticed we don't have sex very frequently - maybe 3 times a week.

 

With all due respect, three times a week *is* frequent in most circles.

 

Everyone's sex drive ebbs and flows and even someone (like me!) who used to be a "once-a-day" a person, may want to scale back from time to time.

[understand50]

As you get old things change. Yes, there are time, I am horny, but the body just is not cooperating. For her as well. I would not worry too much about it. Now if sex really drops off a cliff, then yes alarm bells should sound.

 

I wish you luck....

[Lois_Griffin]

I keep posting here. Any how I was thinking of last weekend (this was before we argued about something little) where he told me he was too sore to have sex. This raised an eyebrow for me because we only had sex twice that week. Granted The sex was twice in the same day but how can he still be "sore" the next day?

 

This year I noticed we don't have sex very frequently - maybe 3 times a week. This is a big change from last year and years past where we would have it 6 -7 times a week!

 

Should I be worried and is he masturbating instead of having sex with me?

 

we are both 35 years old.

Jesus, when do you people find time to go to work?

 

Too much of anything kind of becomes routine after a while. My brother thought he'd hit the mother lode when he met and eventually married a highly sexed woman who was always happy to have sex and often wanted it at least once a day.

 

After a couple years, the thrill wore off. It just wore off. As it is with anything.

 

Just because your husband isn't humping your leg every day anymore doesn't mean he's locked in his closet jerking off to porn every chance he gets. Maybe it's just not the same thrill for him anymore. I love pizza but I don't want to eat it 7 times a week.

 

It is what it is.

[Els]

The rude ogling would be a dealbreaker to me, but sex 3x/week after 14 years is well within the realm of 'normal/reasonable' for most people, I'd think.

[BettyDraper]

While I think it's normal for people notice attractive others, it's rude to stare when a spouse is present for this behavior. Looking at another woman doesn't mean that he does not love you though.

 

You can't control what your husband does. You can either leave him or accept it. I recommend dropping the issue and flirting with other men right in front of your husband.

[aileD]

You seem very insecure and constant insecurity is unattractive to men.

 

Are you in individual counseling?

 

Please get there. Then Maybe you can see things more clearly and make a decision.

 

Your husband sounds insensitive. But all guys look at other girls, it's human nature. It's in their genes, how they spread their seed. Is he acting on it? That's a problem. Maybe I'm biased because my husband cheated and it would have been easier if he was just craning his next to see a cute ass once in awhile instead

 

Is he being disrespectful to you because he doesn't care about you or is he saying "eff it, no matter what I do she's going to whine about it anyway"

 

First on the list is get help for YOU

[Rockdad]

The hubby in this thread has been thoroughly sliced and diced thus far I think. The thread starts out with the OP jealousy issue that has evidently been a problem in the marriage. Ever live with a very jealous spouse or SO? I would bet some of you can identify. It's a job !! It's great to come home tired from work only now to face your second job.

 

The litany of accusations, adult tantrums, nagging, rage, ect. have to be listened to and then answered for. Conduct like that always encourages the other person to be caring and sensitive don't you think?

[jenkins95]

Jesus, when do you people find time to go to work?

 

Too much of anything kind of becomes routine after a while. My brother thought he'd hit the mother lode when he met and eventually married a highly sexed woman who was always happy to have sex and often wanted it at least once a day.

 

After a couple years, the thrill wore off. It just wore off. As it is with anything.

 

Just because your husband isn't humping your leg every day anymore doesn't mean he's locked in his closet jerking off to porn every chance he gets. Maybe it's just not the same thrill for him anymore. I love pizza but I don't want to eat it 7 times a week.

 

It is what it is.

 

Briliantly put! I read recently that few couples who have been married for 10+ years have sex more than twice a week. Let's face it when you've humped the same person 10000 times, the novelty and excitement is inevitably going to wear off a little, right? Doesn't mean it isn't still good when it does happen!

 

I wish I could be as disciplined as you about pizzas though!

Edited September 13, 2016 by jenkins95

[bebe23]

The hubby in this thread has been thoroughly sliced and diced thus far I think. The thread starts out with the OP jealousy issue that has evidently been a problem in the marriage. Ever live with a very jealous spouse or SO? I would bet some of you can identify. It's a job !! It's great to come home tired from work only now to face your second job.

 

The litany of accusations, adult tantrums, nagging, rage, ect. have to be listened to and then answered for. Conduct like that always encourages the other person to be caring and sensitive don't you think?

 

Agree! This situation is like us, but with the genders switched. My husband expects sex twice a week, and if 5-6 days go by without it, he gets irritable and accusing. It is such a turn-off, and I wish he would understand this.

 

We have been married 20 years with 3 kids, we both work, (he works 60-plus hours a week!) and we don't have time for many dates, which I really need to connect with him, when he isn't focused on work.

 

Because of this, I've been guilty of 'looking' at other random men and sometimes even telling my husband 'so and so is kind of cute,' (regarding a few of his guy friends and acquaintances). I do it partly for resentment, and partly because I wish this would give him a CLUE.

[Humantk]

I am fresh out of a 5 year relationship. Never cheated, never wanted to. My ex always loved that I only had eyes for her. 100% true. We've been broken up almost 2 months and I have zero desire to "get back on the horse" yet. She never once caught me looking at other women because I respected her too much to do so with her.

 

But!

 

With friends or alone of course I would check other women out. If they were attractive of course they caught my eye. Never anything more, I would never strike up a conversation or make eye contact. Its normal to look. The distinction is if you respect your partner enough to not do it while with them. It made my girlfriend feel secure and beautiful which is all I ever wanted her to feel with me.

 

We werent having enough sex the last year together. Once every week or 2. I started getting agitated about that. Only because it never took an upswing. I always wanted to work on it and tried not to push her too much. But after 14/15 days... I am only 26. It wasnt for lack of trying romantically either. We'd go on a wonderful day trip to Montauk (most eastern part of the US! Wonderful to see if youre ever on Long Island) and we laughed and had an amazing day. When we got home she didnt want to touch me. Had a lot of days like that near the end unfortunately. And I know I was never don jon, but im certainly not clueless, she was always satisfied when we did. I guess it lost its pop after 5 years for her even if it didnt for me...

 

Still I was always respectful, and although we couldnt fix our problems I always treated her like a man. Even now. Giving her space and being graceful when all I want to do is kick and scream.

Edited September 24, 2016 by Humantk

[Realgrl]

The past weekend I struggled A LOT. How do I deal with his little lies (I'll briefly explain in a little bit) and possibly looking at porn? Its futile to even question them because the answer will always be the same "no I don't do that". Then a fight starts which ALWAYS ends up with myself apologizing. All I do now is bite my lip and keep the rage inside.

 

The lies he tells are things a normal person doesn't even have to lie about. For example, yesterday I noted that my sister hasn't posted vacation pics on Facebook yet. He told me he hasn't checked Facebook for a long time. But yesterday he accepted two friend request from my cousins. Why even lie about that? And just to make sure I don't snoop around, he made sure his iPhone passcode can't be bypassed (yes, I googled how to bypass iPhone passcode because it bothered me that he might be looking at porn. And every suggestion google gave was blocked because he disabled certain features - which also meant he spent time doing research to prevent anyone from getting into his phone). Note - I think it's unfair how he's secretive about his phone while I would care less if he snoops around my phone. I have nothing to hide.

 

Today we were at an event and of course he did a double take when someone attractive was walking down the hallway towards us. And yesterday at an outdoor event, he literally looked at a girl up and down. I suppose I should count myself lucky that he doesn't chat with other girls (or so I think now) and only looks at them.

 

Reading through this post and other messages on the board, I came to the conclusion that all males are the same. Sure, some wait until their wife isn't in the same room before they look at other girls and porn but the end result is the same. That to me is deceiving.

 

The strangest thing is that he tells me how much he loves me. So I think this is as good as I'm going to get. Why divorce and remarry if the next husband will act the same way (either in front of you or behind your back?)

 

In front of him, I pretend that I'm happy and I don't notice his stupid lies or looking at other girls or knowing that he looks at porn or perhaps even he's imagining himself with other girls while we are having sex.

 

I'm reassessing my emotional investment in this marriage. I think I still care for him greatly because I do get jealous when he looks. But hopefully over time, my feelings for him will dissipate and those jealous feelings will lessen.

 

I'm investing more energy to myself. And I admit going down the passive aggressive route. Because the sweetest revenge would be that over the years he is happy with our marriage while I would care less if we get a divorce.

Edited September 25, 2016 by Realgrl

[SammySammy]

His lying is a problem, but your overreacting is a problem also.

 

Both of you need to be more conscientious about your behavior towards each other. Focusing on honesty, trust and respect because both of you are destroying this relationship.

[Poutrew]

The first thing you should do is to pass code your phone. Even if you have nothing to hide- it's the principle of the thing. You may not have noticed it, but if he has taken that much effort to block his phone, you can be sure he is looking at yours. If he can't get into your phone, it will bug him. After a while, you can see how agitated he gets but wont tell you over what. Just play all innocent and don't bring it up. At the very least, you can use it as a bargaining chip... at the worst, he'll think you are doing on your phone what he is doing on his. See, you don't have to break his password encryption - he will give himself away in the end by his own actions.

Edited September 25, 2016 by Poutrew

[CarrieT]

Reading through this post and other messages on the board, I came to the conclusion that all males are the same.

No, they are not.

 

Because the sweetest revenge would be that over the years he is happy with our marriage while I would care less if we get a divorce.

This means you have already emotionally checked out of the marriage. Maybe it is time to physically do so as well...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Realgrl, having read just some of your posts it is clear that that you harbour great resentment against your husband and pick at any and everything to paint him as a rogue. It seems to me that you are NOT marriage material at all. I doubt that you would be happy with ANY man forget just your husband. Your last post was very telling and shows the depth of your resentment bordering on dislike of your husband. When you have such feelings roiling inside you I am sure your husband can pick up on it subconsciously and will mirror your feelings back at you.

 

Quite frankly I do not know how your husband has stayed with you for so long and how he can say, even now, his "I love you's" to you. I think he has tremendous self control and an ability to tolerate your passive aggressive behaviour that you admit to. May be you should do a favour to both your self and him and let him go. I think both of you will be happier. Wish you the best.

[Cinnamonstix]

No, they are not.

 

 

This means you have already emotionally checked out of the marriage. Maybe it is time to physically do so as well...

 

I think it sounds like she WANTS to emotionally check out of the marriage because that is the only way she can imagine not having these feelings - by not caring at all. It really speaks to how out of control she feels.