sam1389 Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 I have been married for 3 years, but been with my husband for 11 years. When we meet we were both young (17 years old) and had a small group of friends, mainly from my side. Over a few months, we split into a group of 4 close friends, me and my husband and my best friend from school and her boyfriend (who I had introduced her to). For around a couple of years we all went out together at the weekends and chatted regularly. Me and my friends boyfriend, my male friend (MF) became close friends, alongside this development I also began to have romantic feelings for him. I decided to keep it secret and overtime I learnt how to deal with these feelings when around him. This lasted for another couple of years until he split from my best friend and broke contact with me and my husband. I got on with my life, got married and had a beautiful little girl. Around 16 months ago I bumped into this old MF and we starting talking and spending time together again, me and my husband starting going out for nights with him and his girlfriend. However over the course of this reconnection, we both confessed that we had, had feelings for each other years before and this lead to us having an emotional affair. This lasted for 8 months and then turned into a physical affair. This lasted for around 4 weeks and then I began to feel guilt for the development and confessed to my husband. Me and my husband have sorted things out, as part of this I promised not to contact my MF again and for the past 6 months, I have not had any contact. a couple of weeks ago, he messaged me to say sorry for how things had turned out between us, I messaged back to say that I was sorry as well and we just needed to move on with our own lives. I thought that was the end of it, then 2 days later he asked to talk to me and I started a conversation with him, like we use to as friends, but then he got over friendly again and I stop the conversation. I haven't heard from him since, but that contact has bought up the feelings that I thought I had dealt with. I feel bad for talking to him after I promised I wouldn't, but I do miss the close friendship that we had years ago. I don't know to get over these feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 (edited) Do you want a divorce? Did you learn anything from the first round of the affair? You are extremely lucky that your husband was able to forgive you the first time you cheated. I wouldn't push it if I were you. Block your MF completely and go to a counsellor to work through your feelings. Teen emotions- even triggered in later adulthood- can be powerful stuff, but you're a mother now and it's time to make some adult choices. Either you work on your marriage or you divorce. Don't subject your family to the pain and humiliation of an affair. A good counselor can help you figure out what you are missing and determine whether it's possible to get this from your current relationship. Edited September 13, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise 4 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 sam1389, Why do you keep playing with fire? Does your husband know about you breaking the NO CONTACT promise you made? You are headed to divorce, and you think your feeling, what you are going though is the most important. How about your husband, who gave you the gift of forgiveness, that you are disrespecting. Tell you what, what you do, is let your husband know you are still talking to your Affair partner, and still are not sure if you do not love him. Give your husband the chance to reevaluate his commitment to the marriage, as it seems you have already. BTW, the way this should have gone down, is when you "affair partner" first contacted you, you should have blocked him and told your husband. You did not, so you betrayed him yet again. If you cannot do this, then you have learned nothing and you are not in a true reconciliation. Sorry to be so tough on you, but you really need to hear the hard truth. I wish you luck..... Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 By maintaining NC forever with the OM. Block him on all means of him contacting you. Then tell you BH every time the OM breaks NC and also tell his current GF/wife that he is breaking with the intent to restart the affair. You expose this OMW/GF just once and you will never hear again from this low life sneak. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 Every time you break contact it is a new DDay. This is not fair to your husband. Either commit to healing your marriage or divorce your husband and let him find a woman who will honor and respect him. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 Reconciliation is a gift, getting caught squandering that gift which was probably one of the hardest things your husband has ever had to do just proves that he made a mistake in offering it. If your in love with a guy that will cheat on his partner, tell your husband the truth, he sounds like a better match for you, why waste another 15 years? My point is if you really want the marriage commit to it, if you want to continue to peruse other men, get out of it and stop hurting people that love you. Get yourself help from a professional, there is no infidelity unless you allow it into your marriage, decide what you want before your husband takes that choice away from you. Start being honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 I feel bad for talking to him after I promised I wouldn't, but I do miss the close friendship that we had years ago. I don't know to get over these feelings. I...I...I...I...I - lather, rinse, repeat. Very little thought or discussion about how all this has affected you husband but complete focus on your own needs and feelings. Hey, this guy is single, why not divorce your husband and go after the prize? Some people are too selfish to be in a committed relationship ... Mr. lucky Link to post Share on other sites
alsudduth Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 I know it's hard....but trust me, if you want to be with your husband you must have ZERO contact with your AP. My AP contacted me recently and as hard as it was, I TOLD my H about it right away and didn't respond to the OM. Because my H is who I chose (and I'm grateful he has given me an opportunity to even choose him after my affair), and that means doing right by him from here on out. If he opts to divorce me later because he can't move past my A, then I will still always be good to him. He is the father of my children and he deserves my respect forever. If that ultimately isn't what you want for your marriage, then divorce your H. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 Reconciliation is a gift, getting caught squandering that gift which was probably one of the hardest things your husband has ever had to do just proves that he made a mistake in offering it. Well said, and very true. It also proves that you are not worthy of that gift. Your husband does not deserve to be treated disrespectfully. Either commit to your marriage and stop talking with this guy, or divorce your husband and let him find someone who will offer him the love and respect he deserves. What you are doing is very selfish and unfair to both your husband and your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
painfullyobvious Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 No contact is crucial to healing and trust in reconciliation. It is very difficult to break the affair cycle. Most of what you have with your affair partner was/is created in your mind. Check out the many affair stories in the infidelity section and your story is not unique. The awesome connection and wonderful feelings are part of the affair fog and are not real. It is critical that you let your husband know about the resumed attempts to contact you and will go a long way to rebuilding your marriage. If you are serious about reconciliation just block this guts number, emails and other contact methods. Get yourself in counseling. This has the appearance of being too much trouble for you to do alone. You must severe all contact with affair partner. I agree with other posters you should contact his girlfriend and ask to be left alone. Do this with a letter or phone call in your husbands presence to the girlfriend. You must start being completely honest from this point forward. It is real easy to start down the path of an affasir again. You are finding this out ther hard way. Stop all of this now and reconcile if that is what you want! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 If you want to remain married, you better get this idea that you are going to be "friends" or anything else with this OM. Breaking NC and NOT confessing to your husband is one step closer to beginning the affair again. As others have said, you are playing with FIRE. Your husband is going to be one pissed off guy if you confess, but not nearly as pissed off as he will be when he finds out down the road that you did it, are continuing to do it, and are in a PA again. Smart people do not repeat the same mistakes. BE SMART . Tell your husband, and the put this notion that this OM is going to be anything but a distant memory out of your head. Otherwise you will wind up divorced. Fine if that is what you want, but not fine if you want your husband for the long term. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Why are you talking like you have no control over your emotions? Grief/trauma is about the only emotion I know that can be powerful enough to leave one powerless at times. And that's not what you are looking at. Your husband might be though. Poor guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 Once you're attracted to someone & it's a type of relationship that will never have full closure, "that feeling" when you see & or talk to them never fully goes away & every time you talk to them it will just be that much harder to end it. Did you tell your husband about A or did you get caught? If you told your H you obviously feel guilt but guilt doesn't stop attraction. It's mind over matter, if you want to stay married you can't talk to him or it will internally destroy you. Good luck. Married since a teen & had an A...it's not worth the trouble, trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 Why are you talking like you have no control over your emotions? Grief/trauma is about the only emotion I know that can be powerful enough to leave one powerless at times. And that's not what you are looking at. Your husband might be though. Poor guy. People don't have control over their emotions, they only have control over their actions. I agree just bc she has feelings doesn't mean she should be talking to him but one can't help how they feel. Link to post Share on other sites
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