Wife just left (depression)

[glassinks]

Hi Guys,

 

I am a 36 year old man and my Wife has just walked out. I've come across the 'Walk away wife' syndrome and feel that this hits the nail on the head for me.

 

My Wife saiyd that she doesn't love me anymore but this has come out of the blue - only the week before last we were celebrating my birthday with a trip to London and meal which she arranged.

 

We had a row a just over a week ago when she walked out. She asked for space which I admit I found difficult to give her and we then had a chat 2 days later. This was when she said that she no longer loved me and that she had become good "at putting a face on", but we've had some truly happy times (very recently).

 

My Wife and I have been together for 18 years and married for 9.5 years. We have a 3.5 year old little boy who was conceived via IVF and this put a massive strain on my Wife. She suffered massively with post natal depression and had counselling but this was a while ago - she remains on medication for her depression. I have stood by her through all of this as any good Husband should.

 

A week on from our 'talk' I have only spoken with her regarding our Son. So she has now been given the space that she wanted.

 

A mutual friend has since met her and says that my Wife seems very clear in what she is doing and she feels that this is the right decision for her.

 

I'm confused, scared and frightened.

 

I know that I have failed my Wife by not listening and validating her thoughts and have begged for a chance to rectify this. She is unprepared to go to Relate.

 

When my Wife was at her lowest with post-natal depression, she told me that she wanted to walk away from our Son and that she just wanted to hide away from the world. She attended one-to-one counselling sessions (about 2 years ago) but has never had any further therapy. She became very engrossed in social media as a form of escapism and I know that she has re-activated her Twitter account (I guess she's receiving loads of praise for walking out on an unhappy marriage from people who don't know the situation or her circumstances).

 

My Wife drinks (she says because she is unhappy), which has caused a lot of problems and again I feel that there is an underlying issue here. We've had a great sex life (even 48 hours prior to her leaving) and I don't understand how you could initiate that if you'd fallen out of love.

 

I have clearly failed my Wife, but have offered assurances that I know where my faults lie and told her that I WANT to rectify them and work together with her.

 

My Wife is clearly a lot further down the line in the process than I am, but I honestly believe that this is a decision was made out of frustration and borne from depression. Our marriage had become mundane I feel that she is looking to change her life and I'm the easiest target.

 

Her Mother was in a seriously unhappy marriage and was in it for at least a decade too long - i feel that she's just telling my Wife to leave if she's that unhappy. I thought I'd got a good relationship with her Mother, but I've heard nothing from her since the split so she is clearly (and understandably) looking after her Daughter.

 

How do I discuss a reconciliation with her, how do I broach the topic that she may have made this decision whilst depressed?....

 

I'd love some thoughts / feedback - I so want to sort through these very apparent issues and work on our marriage.

 

Thanks for reading guys.

x

[Thatoneguy55]

This is another classic scenario, from the way that it happened, to the way that you are portraying it.

 

Unless there is something major in the way that you "failed" her, such as the neglect of her or yourself, abuse, addiction, gambling, deceit, etc, then there is a good chance it's someone else. Her recent "social media" interest may have lead to or been because of a new connection to someone. She could also be seeing everyone's "perfect" Facebook lives, causing unhappiness. Some people don't understand the facade that is a Facebook profile.

 

Now on to your portrayal. It is EXTREMELY condescending to assume that you know what she wants better than she does. To suggest to her that she is just depressed, and actually does want a life with you, is probably one of the worst things you can do.

 

The fact is, it doesn't matter why she is unhappy and leaving. It could be her depression. It could be you aren't a great husband. It could be another lover entered the picture, or because she blames you for not being able to conceive naturally. It could be none of those or all of those combined.

 

Right now she is sure of what she wants. You even have third party confirmation of this. Two months from now, she could regret it and come back, at which point the "whys" are all extremely relevant, and need to be thoroughly discussed so that you can make an informed decision as to if you will give it another chance.

 

This is the hardest part, I know, believe me. But you have to continue to give her the space she wants. There is nothing you can say or do that will do anything other than push her away further. If this really is a big mistake, it is a realization she will need to reach on her own, or with the help of her support system.

 

Read as many similar threads on this forum as possible, it will give you strength and insight that is priceless. Keep us updated friend.

Edited September 13, 2016 by Thatoneguy55

[PegNosePete]

How do I discuss a reconciliation with her

You've already discussed that with her, and been shot down, multiple times.

 

At this point it seems like you're asking how to flog a dead horse?

 

If her decision is made then there is nothing you can do to change it. The best thing you can do is to implement the 180.

[glassinks]

Ok so how do i begin to accept it?

 

How do I accept that a recently happy marriage is now over.

 

There was never any abuse, or alcohol, gambling or cheating on my part and all I can see is that my failings are not listening to her and neglecting the relationship (but no more than she did).

[glassinks]

I do appreciate that whilst I thought it was a happy marriage, she may have felt otherwise (before this is pointed out), however she was not withdrawn, our love life was great and I thought that communication was open.

 

Its just such a shock and whilst I clearly have failings, I have offered to rectify everything that I can.

 

Her use of social media wasn't a new thing, it was a form of escapism which has been continuous for the last 2 years.

 

Walking away from 18 years seems so drastic without at least agreeing to counseling.

 

I want so much to have an open minded chat with her to try and understand what went wrong (yes in the hope that it can be fixed).

 

To me marriage vows mean a lot and the support I've (rightly) provided over the years doesn't seem to be being reciprocated.

 

We have discussed "anyone else" and she assures me that there is no one else involved.

 

To me this is just a bolt out of the blue and I thought that I knew my Wife well enough to know when something SERIOUS was wrong.

[glassinks]

And what is the 180 Pete?

 

...If its just move on and give up on the marriage I can't, I'm 8 day into this and feel it's worth fighting for. I have to be able to look my Son in the eye in a few years time and tell him that I did all that I could.

[klegacy]

This sounds vaguely similar to my situation. My wife had always been a social media enthusiast and a constant-selfie-taking person. But the months leading up to her leaving for the OM, she was excessively on her phone/social media, having private email convos and in-app convos with guys, etc. It definitely was factor in leading her to pursue a relationship with my ex best friend. It went from a happy marriage to her saying she was too young to get married, didn't want the same things anymore and abruptly left without any real explanation.

 

Most common advise from people, regardless of how much I still love her, is to move on. Detach, divorce, move on.

[PegNosePete]

We have discussed "anyone else" and she assures me that there is no one else involved.

You are aware that they all say that, right? If she was cheating then why on earth would she be honest about it?

 

And what is the 180 Pete?

Check this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/314882-180

[Lowrider93]

Read the first post on this thread, critical reading for separation and divorce, it with explain what the 180 is.

It's understandable that you would try and reconcile with your wife, however if she is not willing there is nothing you can do that will change her mind.

Lots of good advice here although it might not be what you want to hear.

 

Best of luck to you.

[glassinks]

I understand that shes unlikely to come straight out with it Pete, but I honestly don't think that this is the case.

 

Thanks on the 180 info - printing this off right now!

[springy]

Read the first post on this thread, critical reading for separation and divorce, it with explain what the 180 is.

It's understandable that you would try and reconcile with your wife, however if she is not willing there is nothing you can do that will change her mind.

Lots of good advice here although it might not be what you want to hear.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

This...

 

The more you push, the more she pulls (away). If she is adamant about leaving you, asking for more and more talks is not going to turn her around. You will end up turning her off even more.

 

If you've had the "let's see if we can fix this" talk at least once, back away. You shouldn't continue to harp on it. I assure you it will not work.

 

I've been there. Fighting for someone who says they no longer want to be in a relationship with you is futile. It takes two to make this work and when someone has checked out emotionally whether it's due to depression or something else there is nothing you can do.

 

The 180 seems similar to what was recommended in a book I read called "Love Must Be Tough" when I was going through separation/divorce. I wish I had done a better job of this when I was in that situation. I don't believe wouldn't have gone through as deep a depression as I did when it happened. It took me a long time to crawl out of that hole.

 

She knows you love her, she knows you would like to work it out. Now leave it to her to process and you start picking up the pieces. Reconciliation does happen, but not through being a begging, pleading mess (not saying you are but...careful here, it doesn't take much to land you in that direction).

 

Be the confident man you were when you met her years ago. Even if it doesn't turn out how you want it you will be in a much better position to move forward with your life.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks on the 180 info - printing this off right now!

 

It helps if you understand the counter-intuitive nature of what the 180 tells you to do.

 

Almost everything your gut screams for you to try - reasoning with her, begging, pleading, asking for another chance - is wrong, it only serves to validate her decision to walk away. Seeing you as needy and desperate is a relationship killer.

 

The 180 is designed to show that, with or without her, you're moving on with your life. It presents you in a favorable light as proactive, positive, healthy and engaged with the world. Contrast that with the normal view of a broken-hearted spouse curled up in the corner with a bottle of booze, you'll see the value.

 

No guarantee it will work. If it doesn't, the good news is you're stepping forward with life.

 

Best of luck, hope you keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LancasterAmos1966]

glassinks

 

We had a row a just over a week ago when she walked out.

Sadly, arguments are very normal in order for spouses to feel good about walking away. They can't walk away from someone they love, so they'll make you out to be a bad guy/lady.

 

 

So she has now been given the space that she wanted.

This is what she wants --- good for you to give it to her.

 

I'm confused, scared and frightened.

Of course you are, because you love this lady!! She is your wife, companion, best friend, you've been together so long, and she is the mother of your child.

 

I know that I have failed my Wife

Maybe you have --- but that is not why she left!! You probably won't believe it, but my opinion is that she simply wanted to be free.

 

 

she told me that she wanted to walk away from our Son and that she just wanted to hide away from the world.

She is probably telling half of the truth. My wife walked away from me AND our 6 kids. She's been gone several years. No longer wants to be a wife and a mother. But she wants boyfriends, and zero accountability. In other words, she wants to walk away from responsibility and accountability, but still wants to have fun, fun, fun. I'd be very surprised if you wife doesn't wind up having some "boyfriend-fun" in the near future.

 

My Wife drinks

Mine did/does too. Went to State prison for DUI's. Drinking just helps her deal with the guilt of walking away, and acting like she is a 20 year old again, instead of 50.

 

I have clearly failed my Wife

Again, maybe you have failed her, but this is not the reason she left. You could have been a Saint, and she would have left you.

 

My Wife is clearly a lot further down the line in the process than I am, but I honestly believe that this is a decision was made out of frustration and borne from depression.

Yes, she is further along, because you did not know about it. But if you let go in a loving way, your recovery will be real. Eventually, she will need to face what she has done, and she will have to work on recovery too.

 

 

 

I so want to sort through these very apparent issues and work on our marriage.

Reconciliation is good, but please realize that if she wants to be gone, then you really need to set her free. Google "standing for marriage" if you want to work on this angle.

 

While you are at it, I'd suggest getting a book "Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships" to help you make sense of some of the arguments, and why you wife wants space, etc. Your relationship has been changing for awhile now -- and the space, separation is what happens when someone wants to be set free.

 

Don't hate her, don't mistreat her, don't call her names --- and if you can thank her for sharing 18 years with you, it will help your recovery go much quicker.

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill. They usually want to separate to spend time with their other man.

[Jersey born raised]

Who is your son with?

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

How do I accept that a recently happy marriage is now over.

 

 

 

Glassinks, this will take some work on your part!! But I did it, thousands of others on this board have done it, and so can you.

 

And remember, it was happy for you!! It was not happy for your wife.

 

There are 5 stages of grief to work through -- the 5th one is Acceptance.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

 

You don't let go in hatred --- you don't act like she ruined your life, and you are now a victim until the day you die.

 

Can you put yourself in her position?? For instance, what if you wanted to change jobs, but your employer wanted you to stay. Instead of thanking you for working at the company for 18 years, they started a smear campaign about you, they called you a Liar, they got co-workers to hate you too.

 

So --- I'm suggesting that you understand that your wife wants to be set free, and then let her go in a loving way. (I did not say that would be easy to do. Probably a lot of tears along the journey.)

 

If you continue to believe you have done something to chase her away, then you will think you can fix the marriage. You must accept that she simply wants out.

 

I know, you might find that hard to believe....but some spouses want out of a great marriage, just like some employees get tired of their great job!! Sometimes, spouses and employees just want to move onto something else.

 

Get a copy of that book I mentioned in my last post. It gives many stories of how spouses just wanted out. It sure helped me to realize that my wife wanted out --- I know I've said that phrase a lot, but I think once you understand that, then you will reach Acceptance so much faster.

[BluesPower]

I realize that all of this is really hard for you, but listen to what they are telling you. It really is the only way to possibly get her back if you want her.

 

From what you are telling us, I'm about 85 to 90 percent sure that she is having an affair. You won't know until you investigate. If he is, she will lie or she would have already told you, so you really cannot believe her. It may take a PI to find out.

 

Even if she is not, which is really slim at this point, doing the 180 is your only hope. You have to appear strong in every way, like you are doing fine without her. Everything you have done so far is wrong, sorry.

 

So you have to get tough and do not appear weak in any way. If this goes on for much longer, a month at the most, you need to file for divorce and present her with the papers. You don't have to finalize them any time soon, but sometimes this will wake up the other spouse and show her that you are not playing around.

 

You also, soon, you may want to start some light dating. I know you want your wife, but it will show her that you are moving on without her. It may make her wake up and realize that what she had was not that bad after all.

 

I know that it is hard to believe that this is happening to you, but it is. You have to get strong right now or just watch her leave. She may anyway but if you don't get it together she will leave for sure.

 

Good luck to you...

[Jeff1690]

Don't blame yourself. Sure there were probably signs that you did not see. But as it has been hammered to me by others here I will tell you, it is not your fault. You are not a mind reader. I had a very happy marriage up till a little over a year ago then things changed. SHe pulled away.

 

Got blindsided just like you did. I blamed myself at first. I begged cried and groveled. Don't do this as they say it just pushes them away.

 

There may be someone else. Yes you don't want to believe it. Everyone here told me the same thing. My thoughts were "Not my wife. Not my best friend. We have always trusted one another. Never Happen." The first bit of advice I took was from Marc. He just gave you the same bit of advice. I checked the phone bill. When I reversed searched the names and separated the different numbers my eyes were opened. Can you imagine how I felt seeing that my wife had talked to her BFF's ex-husband for 6200 minutes in four months, 1000 text messages, and 10,000 plus minutes on the phone with him for the year? She only talked to me for 382 minutes for the year and a couple of hundred texts.

 

Start looking at bank statements. I found that my wife had spent thousands on clothes, furniture for her apartment she stays in down south when working, beach trip for two.

 

This is a woman I have never known to lie to anyone, literally. But she sure as hell did it to me. I hope this is not the case for you.

 

Follow the 180. When I do it properly it works.When I have fallen off the wagon all it does is empower her and sends me for a tailspin. Have to get back up and dust myself off and do it again. Plus when you mess up and post it here people beat you to death And you will deserve it.

 

Many here have been through this. Some have stuck around a long time and passed on advice to those of us who are just learning of betrayal. Listen to them. I have not had one piece of bad advice here. Also almost everyone's opinion of what was going to take place was spot on.

 

Good luck my friend. Keep us updated. I find posting here and getting my thoughts out very therapeutic.