Past issue really bothering me.

[Pamela]

Over 14 years ago when I was a teen-ager in high school I was in love with my drama teacher who was supposedly bisexual.

 

The boundaries were never clear and I used to get upset with him alot because he would lead me on then get scared and act like a "teacher".

 

In grade 12 he took me out swimming to an isolated beach and we fondled and kissed (I was 17 at the time), but never had intercourse. For me at the time it was HUGE. I was really in love with him. One day my friend's mother called the police because she thought I was being sexually abused.

 

I was pulled out of class and questioned by an officer. Of course I lied to him and told him we had never been alone together and we were just close in spirit. My teacher was also called in and questioned, even threatened to loose his teaching job. From then on until graduation we didn't talk to each other or anything.

 

A few months after graduation I contacted him and we began seeing each other again. I was 18 and he was in his fourties. For a brief period we had a sexual relationship, but then later he told me he really prefered men. I was devasted and really hurt because just like that he decided to "cut me off" and not see me anymore (he was seeing a therapist and so was I)

 

I was so hurt by the experience that I left North America and lived abroad for many years, went to university there, married and had a "normal" life. I still kept in touch with Jason and we became good friends when I had gotten over him.

 

I few years ago he REALLY came out of the closet and had a marriage ceremony to a man.

 

Now that I have been back in the country again for some time living I find I am very angry at Jason. Sometimes when I call him to chat and tell him my problems he talks to me in a very subtle condescending manner and hints that I should maybe see a psychiatrist (like he is problem free and I'm the "sick" one).

 

It is always me who calls and when I leave a nice message he doesn't always return the calls. Its as if he is so busy he can't even take a call from me. Right now I just want to tell him off and say, "That's it Jason! If you want to talk to me, you call me. I am finished with you."

 

Do you think I could press charges over him over how he abused his position of power in the past?

[Tony T]

I think you ought to forget Jason and move on with your life. Why in heaven's name is he of any significance to you at all at this point?

 

You are (or were) married yourself...and he is "married" to a man. What could you possibly expect to get out of this?

 

And no, you can't press charges at this point. You are already on record as telling police the two of you had nothing going on. His lawyers would nail you to the cross on this one. If you really pressed the issue, you might be subject to penalties for previously lying to police. Just don't even go there.

 

I hope you will consider seeing a therapist to work out the issues you have with him and help you let go. You were in some very vulnerable and formative years when you were smitten by him. It seems at the time he was sort of struggling with his sexuality as well. Both of you have moved on, or at least he has, and continuing to have contact serves no purpose.

 

My feeling is you have some serious abandonment issues from your early childhood. Jason was not only a lover but an adult figure of the person who abandoned you early on...and then he, himself, abandoned you. You are now displacing your original anger at him, rather than the person in your early years who left you. This is what needs to be dealt with in therapy.

 

He is right and proper by not returning your calls. He regrets the past and cares enough about you to want you to move forward. A friendship with him is an empty one and confusing to him as well.

 

I also feel you are either no longer married or your marriage is having problems. If you were happily married, Jason would be the LAST person on your mind.

 

Let matters lie and move forward with your life. Being stuck in the past robs you of valueable time you could use for much better things in life.

[Pamela]

I think you ought to forget Jason and move on with your life. Why in heaven's name is he of any significance to you at all at this point?

 

Because I have helped him with the publicity of some of his works in the past for nothing and now I realize he only calls me if he needs me to help him.

You are (or were) married yourself...and he is "married" to a man. What could you possibly expect to get out of this?

 

Respect.

And no, you can't press charges at this point. You are already on record as telling police the two of you had nothing going on.

 

I was a minor then and afraid of getting him in trouble. I was too young to see what was really happening and I covered things up. I have other people that knew what was going on and they could testify, even other teachers!

 

His lawyers would

nail you to the cross on this one. If you really pressed the issue, you might be subject to penalties for previously lying to police. Just don't even go there.

 

The penalities I might face would be minor compared to what he would be up against.

My feeling is you have some serious abandonment issues from your early childhood. Jason was not only a lover but an adult figure of the person who abandoned you early on...

 

Jason wasn't really a lover in the real sense. Because I had so little sexual experience at the time, it seemed like alot, but when I found out how "real men" make love I realized that he was a terrible lover. Okay, we had intercourse, but all he did was put it "in" for a few moments without girating his hips, then he took it "out".

 

You are now displacing your original

anger at him, rather than the person in your early years who left you. This is what needs to be dealt with in therapy.

 

You are right about this, but does that make him completely innocent? Why shouldn't he face what pain he caused me as well? My parents think he is responsible for some of my problems but it is as if Jason is "Scott free" running around gloating over how together he is.

He is right and proper by not returning your calls. He regrets the past and cares enough about you to want you to move forward. A friendship with him is an empty one and confusing to him as well.

 

As I said, when he needs my service he calls and acts like he's my old friend. When I have nothing to offer he acts like I'm his employee.

 

I'm sorry Tony, but this has to be dealt with appropriately and because I am back living in my country, I think it is time.

[clia]

I think you're looking for revenge, and that isn't the answer. You're pissed because he had a relationship with you and then decided he was gay and moved on with his life, so now you want to 'get him back'.

Over 14 years ago when I was a teen-ager in high school I was in love with my drama teacher who was supposedly bisexual.

You state freely that you were in love with him. You were also 17 years old. It's not like you were in junior high. You were at a fairly adult point in your life, adult enough to know that it was inappropriate to fall in love with your teacher.

The boundaries were never clear and I used to get upset with him alot because he would lead me on then get scared and act like a "teacher".

What do you mean 'the boundaries were never clear'? Were your friends dating teachers? Was anyone else? Don't act like you were so innocent and he took advantage of you. At age 18, you are considered an adult in the eyes of the law. At 17, you're pretty darn close. Why exactly weren't you dating guys your own age?

In grade 12 he took me out swimming to an isolated beach and we fondled and kissed (I was 17 at the time), but never had intercourse. For me at the time it was HUGE. I was really in love with him.

And did you fight him tooth and nail against going to the beach? I doubt it. You went freely, of your own will. Were you so naive that you didn't realize it was inappropriate?

One day my friend's mother called the police because she thought I was being sexually abused.

You were since you were a minor, but you let it happen. Did he threaten you, force you into anything? Somehow, I doubt it. Like you said above, you were in love with him. Did you really think that you would have a lasting relationship with him?

I was pulled out of class and questioned by an officer. Of course I lied to him and told him we had never been alone together and we were just close in spirit. My teacher was also called in and questioned, even threatened to loose his teaching job. From then on until graduation we didn't talk to each other or anything.

You covered for him. If you were going to press charges, then was the time to do it, not now.

A few months after graduation I contacted him and we began seeing each other again. I was 18 and he was in his fourties. For a brief period we had a sexual relationship, but then later he told me he really prefered men. I was devasted and really hurt because just like that he decided to "cut me off" and not see me anymore (he was seeing a therapist and so was I)

See, here's where your revenge kicks in. You contacted him in the hopes of having a sexual relationship. I don't care if you were out of school, it was still inappropriate. And you were an adult who made the decision to pursue it anyway.

I was so hurt by the experience that I left North America and lived abroad for many years, went to university there, married and had a "normal" life. I still kept in touch with Jason and we became good friends when I had gotten over him.

Uh...sorry, but doesn't sound to me like you're 'over' him. Not if you're thinking of dragging him through the mud now.

Now that I have been back in the country again for some time living I find I am very angry at Jason. Sometimes when I call him to chat and tell him my problems he talks to me in a very subtle condescending manner and hints that I should maybe see a psychiatrist (like he is problem free and I'm the "sick" one).

He's an ex-boyfriend. Not many people keep talking to their exes, much less about all their problems. How do you expect him to act? He's married to someone else now. You are in the past, and after 14 years, should certainly be over it.

It is always me who calls and when I leave a nice message he doesn't always return the calls. Its as if he is so busy he can't even take a call from me. Right now I just want to tell him off and say, "That's it Jason! If you want to talk to me, you call me. I am finished with you."

Generally, if people don't call me back, I take the hint and stop calling. That usually means that they don't want to talk. Why don't you tell him off? What's stopping you? You really need to break this entire relationship off. And it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling.

Do you think I could press charges over him over how he abused his position of power in the past?

I don't think he abused his power. You were a willing participant, very near to consenting, adult age. But now you're pissed that he moved on with his life and you haven't been able to, so you want to get back at him. If the two of you were married now or together, you wouldn't dream of doing this. If he was returning your calls and being your buddy, you probably still wouldn't think of doing this. You're behaving like a woman scorned. Revenge is not the answer. Move on with YOUR life and forget about it. Go see a therapist.

[Miss Mojo]

hi pamela,

 

there seems to be one big factor that jumped out at me while reading your post - you want revenge on this man because he has his life together and you don't. while i really feel for you being obviously unhappy with your life right now, i'd suggest you take a long, hard look at why you want to press charges....it's purely because you're unhappy right now and you need something or someone to blame your unhappiness on. the reasons i believe this are:

 

a) if you were happily married, you wouldn't for *one second* consider pressing charges (good luck if you do - you're not going to get very far because you covered for him in the first place and lied to the police);

 

b) when you were 18 you were scarred when he left you after a sexual relationship - you did have knowledge of his sexuality, the boundaries were unclear, and you could have refused to get involved with him. you were of adult age.

 

c) he is not responding to your problems in the way you wish he would. you don't say how often you call him with your problems, but you say he is condescending towards you and hints that you should see a psychologist. i'd be willing to go so far as to say that when you tell him your problems, it's your subtle way of trying to get closer to him again. he's your emotional crutch. but why should he be your emotional crutch? this guy has moved on with his life, and you seem to resent that. good for him, you should be happy for him. imagine the tables were turned and you were very happy in your life, but he wasn't in his. wouldn't you be subtley hinting that it might be best to talk to someone else? i bet you would. i wouldn't be surprised if he's wise to your way of thinking. while he probably cares about you still, it's not fair to put your problems onto him when he has moved on.

 

many people have very painful experiences with their first love, and it's never easy to get over, regardless of the age of their first partner. i think you should see a therapist to deal with your problems. you honestly should have dealt with this by now, and to blame him for how you feel is a cop out. it's probably a culmination of things, not just him. you may have been naive, but you willingly got involved with him.

 

you write like a woman scorned..."he REALLY came out of the closet and had a marriage ceremony to a man" (it was then you knew it was truly over, right?)...."now i am back in the country, i am very angry at jason"...."when i tell him my problems he talks to me in a condescending manner"...."it's always me who calls...he doesn't always return the calls"...."i want to tell him off"...."could i press charges"

 

now, call me ignorant, call me anything you want to really, but you say, "he abused his position of power in the past"...while this may be so, please remember that you let him. it's not like you were 7 years old. you were 17-18, and you knew perfectly well what you were doing. to play the role of vulnerable, naive schoolgirl being taken advantage of by her teacher.

 

this scenario in the past is way past it's use by date now. i really would suggest a therapist myself. it's not healthy to blame one thing in your past for the way you feel about your present. it will only manifest itself (if it hasn't already) and you will lose sight of what is really making you unhappy in your life now - the present, not the past...not to mention, you could make your life even unhappier by dredging up the past and make a total fool out of yourself in the process. you dont' need to go down that road.

 

if you can't be happy without someone else out there whom you must defeat or exact revenge on, then you are being controlled by that person, which makes you the ultimate loser.

 

best wishes,

 

[Tony T]

You seem to be hell bent on getting Jason into trouble, as if doing so is going to somehow magically take away all responsibility for this episode from you. You were a willing participant. Yes, you were underage and there are laws against having sex with minors. But that doesn't take away your responsibility for half of this.

 

You have my absolutely word that if you go for him, you will dredge up problems for yourself, publicity, embarassment, tabloid material, gossip, reputation, etc. that you have yet to fathom as a human being. You are free to do what you want, absolutely free, and I encourage you to exercise those freedoms. But I promise you in the end you will pay more dearly than he.

 

I am baffled that after everything else you have been through, why you would want to drag yourself through more embarassment, humiliation and pain.

 

You may even be humiliated by the lack of interest prosecutors have in a case where a professed homosexual is accused of having a fling with one of his female students. Yes, you will pay the larger price. If you think authorities are going to greet you with open arms and be chomping at the bit to go after this guy, you could be right...but only for the publicity it will generate for them...and YOU because of its bizarre nature. I'm not encouraging you or discouraging you, just warning you of the hell ahead.

 

I am puzzled as to why you suddenly got in the veangeful mode, considering your marriage and the time that has passed. But, go ahead and do your thing. Spend the rest of your life finding others you can share blame with for your mistakes. It's always nice not to have to take responsibility for one's lives and actions.

 

Don't get me wrong. I am so sorry this happened to you. If there was any way I could reverse the tragedy which has occured in your life, I would. However, if there was any way I could convince you to get therapy for your anger and learn to take responsibility for all your actions, unless a gun is held to your head, I would do that also.

 

I hope at some point you will find more happiness and meaning in life than going after people in your distant past.

[Pamela]

I only wrote a fragment of what happened, but to tell you the truth he started asking me to come over to his house for tea when I was 15...It's just that the physical stuff came later, but there was more mental misuse of his power and role as a teacher than physical.

 

Do you think it is appropriate for a teacher to invite a student over to his house alone on the weekend for tea and to encourage the student to "Call me when you want?"

 

I went to his house many times over the summer holidays when I was 15 and he told me lots of personal things about himself that normally a teacher wouldn't say to a student. My parents didn't know where I was going, but when they found out they called him once and told him to stop having me over.

 

He lied to my parents and told them that we never saw each other alone and that there were always other students over at his house.

 

Then when I was 16 he started taking me out to different parks in the area for picknicks. These vistits got a bit intimate because we would kiss and hug sometimes. He would joke and say things like, "Oh what would Mrs. so and so say if they were to see us right now?" and "Our relationship has nothing physical about it. We are spiritual soul mates" because he had this theory that what he called "crotch love" was the lowest form of love, yet his actions were hypocritical of what he preached. Was he trying to deny to himself that he was physically attracted to me?

 

A few weeks ago when I talked to him (I had called because I wanted him to sign up for a long distance phone company I represent) we had gotten into this arguement about his gay pride. I told him I think he has gone too far with this gay pride business and that it is very distasteful to people because it has a hateful tone towards heterosexuals. (He belongs to a gay square dancing club, a gay men's choir, a gay this, a gay that...) He agreed with me, but then got upset and kind of angry and asked, "How would you feel if you were a lesbian? Wouldn't you want to show your pride?"

 

I told him I thought he was a very shallow person and this "gay business" was an exterior thing that didn't go very deep. "Like, do I go around singing about how happy I am to be a heterosexual? No! Maybe I would go in a parade for being, American, Greek, or Jewish but gay!?"

 

He did say to me at one point (I forget why),"You have the power over me and you know that"

 

I said, "Really? I didn't know that," then he said, "You and I have been to hell and back."

 

Later I asked my friend about it and she said that he meant that I could always go to the police.

 

Now I feel unfairly discriminated against because I'm not gay. What have we come to? I only called him back because I wanted to "debate" with him further over this gay business.

 

What people do in their bedroom should be private. Period.

 

I guess I just want to have the last word with this a**h*** Jason, and no, I will not go to the police because the whole thing would be too expensive and time consuming.

 

I just want to tell him that he has become a yuppie, anal gay snob who writes boring music.

[Tony T]

I most definitely think you should call him and tell him that "he has become a yuppie, anal gay snob who writes boring music", certainly if that will make you feel better.

 

I also think you ought to express your anger to him for what he, as your trusted teacher, put you through as a vulnerable and naive 15-year-old.

 

Then you should hang up, forget it, and not call him again.

 

I can't believe that you would call this guy, whom you would like to see in jail, to sell him a long distance service. That seems mighty odd. Of course, I guess you have quotas.

 

Take this guy off your calling list for everything. I am still very curious as to why this has come up all of a sudden in your life. You still have not said if you are still married and just what's happening in your life now. But wherever you are, get a delete button on this guy/gay/whatever as soon as possible and move on with your life.

[Laurynn]

It seems pretty clear to me, that the only reason, after all this time, that you'd consider 'ratting on him' for the things you did back when you were a minor, is to get revenge.....due to the fact that he's obviously gotten on with his life. If you were truly so angry by what happened in the past, you wouldn't still be calling him and leaving nice messages.....you'd have cut the ties a long time ago.

 

It sounds to me like you're very jealous of the fact that he's found someone to spend his life with, and that you're not longer an important part of his life. If he's so darn condescending to you when you talk to him on the phone, why keep calling back?

 

The past is the past. It looks like all you want to do is 'make him pay' for the fact that he's not the person he was then. The guy is married, (whether it's to a man or woman, it makes no darn difference....he's "taken" and committed).....why bother with him? Surely you have better things to do in life than chase a married, gay man?

 

Vindictiveness and revenge are very ugly. I'm sorry but I do agree that you need some therapy, based on what you've written here. It's not normal or healthy to want to ruin someone's life all becuz they won't give you the time of day. Move on, get over it. Let it go.

 

L

[Laurynn]

No offense, but I'm always a little leary about people who post on forums like this, when they don't get the response they're looking for, they suddenly "add" things to the story.

 

First you said you and he hadn't had sex. Then when you didn't like Tony's response to you, you conveniently admitted that you two HAD in fact had sex.

 

Then when Miss Mojo reminded you that you were 17-18 when this all took place (cuz that's what you'd originally stated), you then added to the story by saying "things" really began when you were 15. Sorry, but you seem to be embellishing things here, to gain our support or whatever the heck you're looking for.

 

And so what if he has Gay pride? Who gives a crap? That's his own business. He can march in any Gay Pride Parade he wants to....be a part of any Gay organization/group he cares to. What the heck does that have to do with you? Who are YOU to criticize or judge him?? He doesn't have to explain himself to you, nor does he have to defend himself. He is his own person and he can think/feel/believe/belong however he chooses to.

 

Personally, this is what I think. He was your first love. You then find out he's gay, you're crushed. You then find out he's made it 'final' by the fact that he married another man. Again, you were crushed.

 

You're angry that the man you've never gotten over is GAY......you can't get past this. You want him to 'pay' for the fact that he is what he is, which is someone that doesn't want to be with you. Sounds to me like you've been pestering him, and trying your damndest to keep in touch with him. Calling him up to sign up with a long distance service that you work for? Come on now, that's lame. Leave the guy be. Let it go. Find a therapist who'll help you get past your hurt, anger and desire to be vindictive. You're only hurting yourself here. Seriously.

 

L

[Pamela]

No offense, but I'm always a little leary about people who post on forums like this, when they don't get the response they're looking for, they suddenly "add" things to the story.

 

I wanted to make my entry as short as possible, but then I realized I had left out some important details when I read the responses.

First you said you and he hadn't had sex. Then when you didn't like Tony's response to you, you conveniently admitted that you two HAD in fact had sex.

 

I DID state in the first post that AFTER graduation we had had a brief sexual relationship.

Then when Miss Mojo reminded you that you were 17-18 when this all took place (cuz that's what you'd originally stated), you then added to the story by saying "things" really began when you were 15. Sorry, but you seem to be embellishing things here, to gain our support or whatever the heck you're looking for.

 

I explained this in my first response here.

And so what if he has Gay pride? Who gives a crap? That's his own business. He can march in any Gay Pride Parade he wants to....be a part of any Gay organization/group he cares to. What the heck does that have to do with you? Who are YOU to criticize or judge him??

 

Because he stuffs it down my throat whenever we talk.

 

He doesn't have

to explain himself to you, nor does he have to defend himself. He is his own person and he can think/feel/believe/belong however he chooses to. Personally, this is what I think. He was your first love. You then find out he's gay, you're crushed. You then find out he's made it 'final' by the fact that he married another man. Again, you were crushed.

 

I was NOT crushed. Don't put words in my mouth, okay!

You're angry that the man you've never gotten over is GAY......you can't get past this. You want him to 'pay' for the fact that he is what he is, which is someone that doesn't want to be with you. Sounds to me like you've been pestering him, and trying your damndest to keep in touch with him.

 

Didn't you read my posts, woman?

 

Calling him up to sign up with a long

distance service that you work for? Come on now, that's lame. Leave the guy be.

 

You the hell do you think you are to judge me? You tell me not to be judgemental of him, but you are being twice as judgemental towards me by calling me vindictive.

[Pamela]

I most definitely think you should call him and tell him that "he has become a yuppie, anal gay snob who writes boring music", certainly if that will make you feel better.

 

Actually I just talked to him about an hour ago and told him what I thought. He just listened in silence, then I asked him what his comments were. He apologized for not getting back to me, how his "husband" had told him he'd better return my call, but he had been too busy. He said he had lots to think about and he understood why I was angry, but I was the only friend of his that took up lots of energy and time.

 

"What friend?" I said.

 

"This is just ONE sided. You are not my friend. If you were you would call me once in while like I do. Look, I am finished with your false friendship Jason. Unless you call me, I am not going to humiliate myself anymore by calling people who don't return my phone calls. That's it."

 

He didn't know what to say and mumbled something about thinking over what I said.

 

"You do that. Goodbye" I said, then hung up.

Then you should hang up, forget it, and not call him again.

 

(I did it)

I can't believe that you would call this guy, whom you would like to see in jail, to sell him a long distance service. That seems mighty odd. Of course, I guess you have quotas.

 

I was desperate for sales one week...

Take this guy off your calling list for everything. I am still very curious as to why this has come up all of a sudden in your life.

 

We've always kept in touch over the years, got out for the odd lunch with him and his partener. I was actually pissed off at him because he was going to sign up for the company and then when I called him back for the third time, after he kept saying he wanted more information which I gave him, he told me he had signed up for another company. He didn't even call me back to tell me that. At first it was no big deal, but then later on the more I thought about it the angrier I became because I felt like he "screwed" me again in a different way. This just brought back past memories.

 

You still have

not said if you are still married and just what's happening in your life now.

 

I'm finding myself all over again and reviewing the past and certain mistakes I made. I will probably divorce.

[Pamela]

ditto

Actually I just talked to him about an hour ago and told him what I thought. He just listened in silence, then I asked him what his comments were. He apologized for not getting back to me, how his "husband" had told him he'd better return my call, but he had been too busy. He said he had lots to think about and he understood why I was angry, but I was the only friend of his that took up lots of energy and time. "What friend?" I said. "This is just ONE sided. You are not my friend. If you were you would call me once in while like I do. Look, I am finished with your false friendship Jason. Unless you call me, I am not going to humiliate myself anymore by calling people who don't return my phone calls. That's it." He didn't know what to say and mumbled something about thinking over what I said. "You do that. Goodbye" I said, then hung up. (I did it) I was desperate for sales one week... We've always kept in touch over the years, got out for the odd lunch with him and his partener. I was actually pissed off at him because he was going to sign up for the company and then when I called him back for the third time, after he kept saying he wanted more information which I gave him, he told me he had signed up for another company. He didn't even call me back to tell me that. At first it was no big deal, but then later on the more I thought about it the angrier I became because I felt like he "screwed" me again in a different way. This just brought back past memories. You still have I'm finding myself all over again and reviewing the past and certain mistakes I made. I will probably divorce.

[Laurynn]

He stuff's his Gay Pride rhetoric down your throat? Well gee now, why on earth do you keep calling him if he does this? I gathered from your posts, that you enjoy arguing with him about this stuff.

 

Why don't you leave the poor guy alone?

 

Who the hell am I? Well I'll tell you who I am. I'm not someone who, after 14 years, is still obsessed with someone. The guy is GAY (read: he's never going to be interested in you), he's M A R R I E D, and he's gotten on with his life. It's no wonder he's condescending when you call him up..it's no wonder he implies that you should get psychological help. It's been 14 years!!!!! Get over it. Focus your time and energy on something useful, and on someone who's available. (though I thought you were married yourself?).

 

You're the one who came here looking for advice. All of us that responded, have said the same thing, just in different ways. You're obsessed with this guy. He's not interested. Deal with the fact that he's GAY and get on with your life already, geezus.

 

L

[Miss Mojo]

LAURYNN SAID:

 

Personally, this is what I think. He was your first love. You then find out he's gay, you're crushed. You then find out he's made it 'final' by the fact that he married another man. Again, you were crushed.

 

PAMELA SAID:

 

I was NOT crushed. Don't put words in my mouth, okay!

 

PAMELA'S ORIGINAL POST SAID:

 

I was so hurt by the experience, I left North America

 

PAMELA GOES ON TO SAY TO LAURYNN:

 

Didn't you read my posts, woman?

 

I SAY:

 

obviously i'm not laurynnn, but i read your posts, and i do believe you were crushed. i know how you feel because i left the country when my first boyfriend and i broke up. i was crushed by everything that happened and i had to get away to get myself together.

 

but i honestly believe you will find a lot more happiness when he is out of your life. why? because his gay pride annoys you, because he is condescending towards you, because what is happening between the two of you here is not of any benefit to your emotional health. a friendship shouldn't be like that.

 

i've forfeited friendships with people i have been really close to in the past because they eventually developed into friendships that were not healthy for me. friendships are the one kind of relationship i believe in my heart you shouldn't have to worry so much over. when i can't accept the way another person is behaving, or has become, i walk away - because it is not healthy for me and it is not fair on them if i can't accept that. yes, it hurts like hell when you feel deeply for someone and you walk away, but that hurt is only temporary. to keep them in your life is punishing all involved and the hurt lasts a lot longer.

 

you CAN make your life a happy one, without dwelling on the past. let it drop....you just might surprise yourself.

 

good luck

[LoveShack.org]

Pamela:

 

Please express your anger to posters without telling them where to go or calling them vulgar names. This forum honors freedom of expression but please keep it respectful and avoid personal attacks. The posts in question have been removed. Thank you.

[anon]

You are crass and insensitive towards this woman. You're sarcastic comments have nothing positive in them. We could do without people like you on this forum as this place is supposed to provide emotional and moral support. Even if this woman is hanging on too much to the past, you have no right to be insulting towards her. I hope you apologize.

[Tony T]

You don't know Laurynn very well. The first thing she'll do when she views your anon post above is to use her knowledge of hypertext marker language (html) and view the source of the post above, which is the same ISP (Internet Service Provider) as Pamela...YOU!!!

 

Then she will blast you good for posting annonymously in the third person.

 

It would be best to delete the above post and express your feelings to her directly in a civil tone, just like you did above.

 

I'm not here to defend her, but I really don't think she was trying to insult you. She is very passionate in her desire to help people and uses pretty strong language to get her point across sometimes in the absence of her ability to be face to face with people. I know you are strong enough to accept or reject her views without getting wound up personally.

 

As far as your idea that this forum is supposed to give emotional and moral support, I don't think that's it at all. If that were the case, we'd all just side with the poster and that would be a deception. People who post advice here NEVER have any qualms about challenging a poster's position if they feel it's wrong.

 

Now, in certain cases of grave pain, depression, loss, etc., YES...you'll get emotional and/or moral support for those things, you bet.

 

For what you are needing at this time, you may be better to seek counselling for what is perhaps a serious case of anger stemming from your near and distant past. A competent therapist can help you deal with that or any other issues you feel may be the root cause of your anger.

 

Good luck always.

[Laurynn]

There is nothing more entertaining, yet sad, than someone who has to post anonymously (not so anonymous, huh?) to blast someone who didn't give them the coddling they were looking for.

 

You obviously have a lot of anger and hostility, that's more than apparent. I don't think I was rude or crass or insensitive to you at all. You came here seeking advice, and I gave that. If you were looking for a pat on the head, you came to the wrong place.

 

There is nothing stable or normal about someone who's obsessed with someone (who's married) after 14 yrs. There is also nothing healthy about someone who'd even *consider* calling the law on someone, for things done in the past, all because that person is no longer interested in them.

 

I agree with your ex. For your own sake, please, get some professional help. You're like a ticking timebomb. Hey, if you want to chase after a gay married man, and bash him for his gay pride, fine. But I'm not going to give you pats on the head.

 

Ta ta!

 

L

 

*good call Tony, I haven't been here for a couple days*

[Laurynn]

Your sorely mistaken about this place being here for 'moral and emotional support.' That's what friends, family, loved ones, therapists are for. This is an advice forum. Those of us who respond have no obligation whatsoever, apart from abiding by the forum guidelines, to "side with" those who post (which could be construed as providing emotional/moral support). This is not an online Support Group, or a substitute for therapy.

 

L