Why can't I feel love?

[SunBird]

Hi all - I'm pretty sure this issue is to do with my own personal development, rather than any specific relationship. But it's bothering me for sure...

 

I'm scared that I am not able to love. I'm not sure if it's an incoming or outgoing thing. I just don't feel. I have a history of being very protective and guarded in my emotions and have experienced many years of depression, so know all too well what it is like to be numb to emotion. But lately I started a relationship with a wonderful person, he is like my best friend really, we were friends first, and rather than falling deeper into it like I thought and hoped I would, I can almost see the arms length I am giving it.

 

The relationship is a HUGE step forward for me anyway. I always used to fall for emotionally unavailable guys who wouldn't really care for me, or for the wrong reasons. They were easy to 'love'. I was raised by a narcissist so emotional abuse a kid has well and truly made any relationships (romantic or otherwise) very tough. So all that in mind, I'm ready for this to be hard. And I became aware, to my horror, a few years ago that I have never been in love and am in my late 30s. I thought I was a couple of times, but it was all about infatuation.

 

Then I met the lovely man I am with now and it has all been very different. Not the shape or image of what I pictured life would send my way (meaning he is very different from any guy i've been with before in looks and personality, but also the way we got together was a bit backwards and unconventional) - but all the same it's almost like I don't have any choice! That doesn't sound very romantic, but genuinely I don't know how not to be with him - is that a reason to be with someone?! I want to share everything with him and am better at sharing time with him than anyone else I know (I'm used to being on my own).

 

The whole thing is very calm and straight forward. The sex is great, we like doing the same things.

 

So what's the problem?! What is it that I am expecting? Why am I self sabotaging something great. I so want to relax and allow myself to let this amazing opportunity in. My mind just wont let go of 'what if i'm pursuing the wrong thing'. I need to stay present and be NOW. I can so easily focus on what's not right, but find it hard to let the great stuff take charge (this is typical of how i was raised!). It's so hard not to compare with a picture of how things 'should be' and not just accept what we are. Maybe I will always be this flat and practical about any relationship.

 

What if we are too similar (both worriers, both have depression, both sensitive, over-thinkers), what if the things that are irritating me about him mean I am spending time with someone i don't like (my suspicion is that it's in fact my own insecurities coming out and being critical of him), what if our different backgrounds are a problem down the road.

 

It's funny though, as I write all this down I can't understand what my problem is. I can't make myself feel something. But if I stand back and squint at the painting it is clear as day how connected we are. How do i stay in touch with that and appreciate it. If i'm loosing that just a few months in do we stand a chance? If i can get to grips with my fears. I long to gaze at him with a gooey look and think he's the best person in the world. But the fact is, at these close quarters to my high expectations, he is more likely to come under fire than anyone else in my life.

 

I need to change my attitude and the way I think. Not the wonderful person who is also taking a brave step and seeing past all my funny ways and still thinks I'm wonderful for some reason! I just so want to feel that back. Its somewhere under the clouds.

 

Thanks for letting me waffle everyone. Helps.

[Lagata]

Have you ever heard of the term "Aromantic"?

 

It is a term where you can feel comfort in one's company and sexual attraction, however you cannot feel or form a strong emotional bond in terms of love, and this can have many varying degrees. It's more of a physical relationship, rather than a romantic one.

 

It may be frustrating, however many people feel this way and can maintain a comfortable relationship as long as you and your partner understand each other and are comfortable. I would day not to worry too much about it if you are comfortable and happy with this person.

 

Some situations are formed due to past experiences, trauma, and other factors, however some people just aren't able to form physical(asexual) or emotional(aromantic) bonds with others, and it is a very real and normal condition.

 

I personally considered myself asexual for quite some time. I got really frustrated because I felt no sexual attraction toward anyone, even though I usually fell hard for them. I formed very strong emotional bonds but the physical attraction was nothing but platonic admiration of their body and nothing more. I felt nothing physically. Ever. Needless to say that ticked a lot of potential SOs off.

 

Lately i've found a new title to slap onto myself, which is demisexual. I've found that I can experience physical attraction, but I have to deeply connect to a person on an emotional level before I can feel anything ehm, below the belt.

 

Anyway.. It seems like you really get along with him and vice versa. I don't feel like there is anything wrong with this relationship as long as you are both comfortable where you're at! I would say do your best to eliminate the paralyzing "what ifs" in your mind, as those storm clouds tend to grow if you let them. As long as you both enjoy what you have, that should be what matters most right now

[SunBird]

Thank you. An interesting idea and I get the concept of the label - it is almost as if I am only like that with him though. I don't think I am a non-romantic person. I've done romantic things for people before, I love romantic stories and films.

 

Interestingly I tried leaving him a sweet note under his pillow today and it didn't feel completely natural to do. I wanted to express how I feel about him and give him a surprise, but at the same time it didn't flow. He has given me flowers before, and I did think that was lovely. But yes, perhaps romance isn't as strong in me as I think it is. Perhaps i like romantic films because of the love and sentiment, but not the romance.

 

I'm perhaps 'temporarily aromantic'! It is a symptom, or as a result of trauma, not becasue of who I really am. I feel like if I let trauma win and just accept that I have lost an aspect of myself then it will always be that way.

 

So far so good though. You are right, I need to just enjoy the right now and not worry whether it looks like I expect it to. I don't feel like I am in love, but he is still the most important person in my world after my sisters. So perhaps I just need time to stop thinking and realise I love him when im least expecting it (that is sort of how we got together, he wanted time to himself and it took me by surprise how badly I missed him).

 

Thanks for replying and your thoughts

[Satu]

When you say, 'love,' what does that mean to you?

 

From what you've said, I think you do love him.

 

Beware of the culture we live in.

 

This culture bombards us with highly dysfunctional models of what love is meant to be.

 

There are however many valid definitions of love.

 

Here is one that I originated:

 

"Love is total commitment to the wellbeing of a person."

 

Here is another origination of mine:

 

"Being 'in love' seems much, but is little. The slow discipline of love, seems little, but is much."

 

Create a definition of love that makes sense to you.

 

 

Take care.