Wake23 Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 My wife and I have been separated a little over 8 months now. During this time we have stayed in contact - she has mentioned throughout this process that she cannot commit herself to our marriage at this time because she's confused on what she wants/ doing with herself. Stated she is in no hurry to file paperwork/ the papers don't mean anything to her... She moved to another state for friends/ work and is now looking to move back with her parents. Since moving, she has quit her job and has been traveling with friends, consistently, in fact, all over the place. We live in different states, so we have been doing counseling sessions with two therapists every couple of weeks through skype. She came to visit me a couple of weeks ago, and we had an incredible time... She still texts me occasionally that she misses our dog and wants to know what I've been up to. This last 8 months have been almost impossible, and I'm just barely coping... Most my family and friends say to file and move on, but I'm still hoping she comes out of the rain. Our marriage broke down due to her being emotionally unfulfilled and wanting a life of adventure. I'm a very career-oriented person and she is definitely more of a free spirit. I became emotionally withdrawn from our relationship a few days after our wedding due to my mother passing away in a tragic car accident - it took me a while to grieve her death, we both were extremely close. I went to counseling and became better, but by then the damage was done, and my wife, unfortunately, had already checked out of our marriage. I must add, my wife and I are both young: She's 25 and I'm 28. We've been married 4 years, and separated for the last 8 months. I'm well aware of the possibility of an affair, but I don't think it matters much anymore, because it's been so long since we've split. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 This last 8 months have been almost impossible, and I'm just barely coping... Most my family and friends say to file and move on, but I'm still hoping she comes out of the rain. I think your friends and family are right and that it's time to stick a fork in this marriage. At least part of the reason you're having such a hard time is that you've turned over all of your power to your wife. Trust me, she's well aware that you're waiting docilely at home for her to come back. Take action and take back control. File. Either it'll wake her up and she'll come back or it won't, and at least you'll have resolution one way or the other but honestly, you two don't seem overly compatible anyways. It doesn't sound like she's cut out for marriage and all that that means. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wake23 Posted September 13, 2016 Author Share Posted September 13, 2016 I know I need to file. It's so clear to me, now, all the things lacking in our relationship to make us work -- I guess that's what everyone in my shoes say... We both agreed to file, originally, and through counseling we both decided to hold off and see where our friendship goes... These therapists suggested the separation in the first place, which, at the time, I knew was going to fatal for our relationship -- I completely disagreed with it. They think she's going through some sort of self-discovery phase and will miss the relationship in the end. I get conflicting views on when enough is enough, and when to continue to love, unconditionally. I think the oddest thing to it all is that she left everything behind; basically, just left with the clothes on her back... I do love her and want our marriage to work, but I'm running out of fumes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tonofbricks Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 Don't walk, fast jog , brisk run ... run fast the opposite direction as this woman..she is giving you clues as to how a future will be with her right now..so please don't wait .. have her come back and be complacent for a while .. then comes the kid(s) .. And then she's gone again... If she has this much growing up to do , you guys will end up in different places eventually anyway. It would just be more complicated... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 13, 2016 Share Posted September 13, 2016 snip *Our marriage broke down due to her being emotionally unfulfilled and {wanting a life of adventure.} As soon as I read that, I knew your marriage was completely over. There is no relationship necromancy thats going to work here. Sorry. Talk to a lawyer, get things moving on the divorce. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 Get out of this limbo. 8 months and she's asks about the fog? She could care less about you. There's no future in this. Link to post Share on other sites
aj2124 Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 I'm very sorry for the pain you are experiencing in this state of waiting. What does your communication look like other than her texting occasionally? I think it is understandable that you would have a challenging time while grieving your mother's loss. Were there problems or issues aside from that during the time you were together? Do you have any kind of relationship with her family? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wake23 Posted September 14, 2016 Author Share Posted September 14, 2016 Her family is pushing for us to reconcile. I've accepted that I have no control over the situation and expressed my desire to work things out with her family - we were considerably close, which has been really hard too. I went on antidepressants after the accident, which made me more or less a zombie. I lost passion for my business, which went down hill as well. I've been in the process of changing careers... We lived a very good life, but the financial pressure started to mount. Started therapy around the same time last year and I made agreements that I didn't meet by the end of the year. We had a heated argument after New Year's in counseling that we both weren't getting what we wanted and she left shortly, thereafter. She called balling a couple times to me during our separation, especially during our anniversary, and has recently been texting/ calling... She flew in to visit a couple of weeks ago. It went really well, but when she left I called and said I cannot wait anymore - we're back in counseling right now and are kind of back at square-one. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 Her family is pushing for us to reconcile. I've accepted that I have no control over the situation and expressed my desire to work things out with her family - we were considerably close, which has been really hard too. I went on antidepressants after the accident, which made me more or less a zombie. I lost passion for my business, which went down hill as well. I've been in the process of changing careers... We lived a very good life, but the financial pressure started to mount. Started therapy around the same time last year and I made agreements that I didn't meet by the end of the year. We had a heated argument after New Year's in counseling that we both weren't getting what we wanted and she left shortly, thereafter. She called balling a couple times to me during our separation, especially during our anniversary, and has recently been texting/ calling... She flew in to visit a couple of weeks ago. It went really well, but when she left I called and said I cannot wait anymore - we're back in counseling right now and are kind of back at square-one. Of course her family is pushing reconciliation. They don't want stuck helping her. You can't control her but you can yourself. Just to be safe. Check your phone bill. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 So you guys married like in your early 20's? Well, that explains it. Marriages in early 20s have a low success rate. We're no longer in the 1950s where getting married is the only thing to look forward to coming out of high school. Let her go do her thing and develop into her own woman/skin. Find a woman who's ready for marriage, and settling down and doesn't have to live every day as if she has to climb Mt. Killimanjaro or bust...yeah, I probably spelled that wrong. Who cares...you get my point? Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 You want to be a better man in your next relationship? File now and regain some of your dignity. You say you don't have control over this situation. Really? Boys talk like that. Time to man up. She needs space is code for "I'm screwing someone else and you might get sloppy seconds if I feel like it". You're too young for this. Time to live it up; "Discard females, acquire currency" Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 At anytime during your conversation when she said she missed the dog,did she mentioned how much she missed you? 8 months is a long time to be kept in limbo, don't you just want to get on with your life? Many young ladies out there, go out and find one more deserving of your time. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 I think she is keeping you in the wings to keep you from moving on with your life in case she decides to change her mind and come home...her backup plan. She knows if you move on and get a girlfriend or move away, then the backup door closes. The best way to make yourself desirable to her is to move on and live well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wake23 Posted September 14, 2016 Author Share Posted September 14, 2016 I appreciate everyone's comments... This has been difficult; in many ways, more difficult then my mom's accident, because I feel entirely betrayed... We were just talking about having kids last Nov.. I felt better and our communication felt solid. I became ill over New Year's with bad stomach problems and regretted how I was acting towards my W, then she left without hesitation. Just a phone call that she's leaving. I don't wish this upon my worst of enemies. There's so much that's happened, and our relationship has been just a complete wreck. Maybe this is for the best. Just suxs... Thanks again for all of your advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 She flew in to visit a couple of weeks ago. It went really well, but when she left I called and said I cannot wait anymore - we're back in counseling right now and are kind of back at square-one. Not sure why you'd agree to this fly-by, it cost you every bit of emotional equity you've built up over the last 8 months. I'd tell her to either **** or get off the pot, you're not going to spend another year in limbo. Not sure what she's doing but it definitely isn't marriage. Plan accordingly... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 Who is paying for all this traveling? What are your joint assets? You have given up a year of being in a loving relationship. If you had filed after a month, told her you wanted to be in a loving relationship and would start dating right away you would/might be posting about your new relationship. Own what is your's to fix, and only those things. Be the person's who posted about her husband: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why improve yourself by the new wife of a BS* As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage. My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.* He owned his behavior.* He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. * ----------------------—---------------------------------------------------------------- Sound good? It seems like her husband got what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 Sorry for the * I copied it from word pad. No ideal why it keeps putting *. In. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted September 14, 2016 Share Posted September 14, 2016 She has no incentive to change anything now. She's doing what she wants to do with whomever she wants to do it. Your holding down the fort. So she has a place to retreat to if necessary. From her point of view, why change a thing? Who is financing this globetrotting? I hope it's not you. This relationship will last exactly as long as she finds it useful. Or until you decide that it has no utility to you and take steps to end it. I strongly suggest you talk to a lawyer to learn what a no kids divorce means in your county. I don't know where you live, so I can offer. I advice. Except to tell you with 100% certainty that a no kids few joint assets divorce is far easier and cheaper than one where there are kids,,debts and assets. The reason I mention kids is that she has returned once already. A pregnancy (hours or not yours) could make her return again. As they say,,your mileage may differ...... Link to post Share on other sites
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