To out... Or... Not to out?...

[ididnotaskforit]

So my story is a little different as I have only known my SO for 1 year and the first 6 months he was not being exclusive. I caught his cheating by finding videos, pictures, messages, etc in an external hard drive he had left out in the garage of our new house, a couple of days after we have moved in together. Needless to say, **** hit the fan and I made his life hell for a few months after. I took over all his social media, closed all his extra throw away e-mails (that I knew of), made him ghost all his friend with benefits (FWB) ladies, made him throw away gifts he had received from them ( appliances,toasters, watches, pictures, etc) and asked for full transparency.

 

I decided to also have a revenge affair and that, "He says", hurt him like hell.

 

It's been a couple of months now and we have been very good and having a lot of fun getting to know each other and starting a new life after that hell of a time. Starting from scratch..

 

But there is one thing that keeps bothering me and I just can't shake it off, so I need your opinions on what should I do or what should I not do.

 

One of the FWB was a married woman that my SO had a 4+ years affair with (he was single). During my snooping I saved a lot of this woman's and the other FWB's nudes, emails, text, video, tattoos background (yes they had tattoos on his honour, he has none), etc - I save them as proof to him that I knew and there was no way he could lie anymore.

 

NOT out of anger, I want to out the married woman to her to her husband. I feel extremely sad and sorry for him..The other FWB's were single.

 

I hate the fact that I was lied to for 6 months. I feel it is not fair she is lying to him and has lied to him for 4+ yrs. From what I have read on her texts to my SO, she has gas lighted her husband and has made him out to be a fat,unattractive, bad man. Which I know it is probably not true, I know people that know him and they all say he is a very nice man. I have seen his pictures and he actually looks a lot like my SO.

 

She has very small children (she also cheated while pregnant - so gross) - That is one of the reasons I have not done it yet...what if he becomes violent? I would feel bad if the kids had to see their dad being violent because of my outing. That I have no idea or clue if it would happen...

 

I feel so bad for him... If it was me I would want to know and this is a secret I never asked to know about, my SO brought it on to me by him being stupid and sloppy.

 

My SO says he has not had any type of communication with her since I caught him and the last time they had sex was last year on her birthday before he knew me. Of course I do not believe him....

 

If I find out she is still in touch with my SO I would for sure out her. But I have no proof of that happening...My SO insists that he is not in contact with her.

 

If it was me getting that proof of my SO cheating again, I would be devastated at the amount of cheating.. Shouldn't her husband know all of these?

 

What would you do?

[ladydesigner]

Honestly you have both cheated and you are not M'd. Relationship has only been a year? I would cut bait and move on. I wouldn't save anything, start over it's much easier that way. You don't want to get M'd to someone who's lies started at the very beginning of your R.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Stay out of it. All you know is what you've read/ seen 3rd hand. You don't know anything about their lives. Have you asked mutual friends about him? I think that alone is out of line.

 

I hope you erased all of the nudes and texts etc once you showed it to your SO as proof.

 

I also don't understand why you would stay with someone who you feel cheated on you in the very beginning of the relationship (though usually the first few months people aren't exclusive, at least where I am) and who you felt so angry about that it caused you to have a revenge affair. This is a new relationship. If you don't trust him now, how will you ever? I think part of this is you trying to burn the bridge for him so he can't go back to her. And if you feel the need to do this it's probably another sign that he's not the one for you.

[Patrice]

the bridge between your cheating boyfriend and her. Not a good idea, and I would be thinking about why you feel so insecure, now.

[road]

That other BH deserves the truth. Be kind enough to tell him so that he stops living his life based on a lie.

 

 

Second that if he decides to stay married he will be able to better protect himself from his WW having future affairs.

[Methodical]

If this were a close friend, someone that thinks you have their back, then yes, I let him/her know.

 

However, that isn't the case here. I don't advocate meddling into the lives of other people.

 

My SO says he has not had any type of communication with her since I caught him and the last time they had sex was last year on her birthday before he knew me. Of course I do not believe him....

 

If I find out she is still in touch with my SO I would for sure out her. But I have no proof of that happening...My SO insists that he is not in contact with her.[/Quote]

 

To a degree, it sounds like you are unsure that your SO has had no contact with her, and by telling her husband, it might add a little insurance for yourself.

 

It's been a couple of months now and we have been very good and having a lot of fun getting to know each other and starting a new life after that hell of a time. Starting from scratch..[/Quote]

 

If you are serious about starting from scratch, leave the past in the past.

[RecentChange]

That is a whole bunch of drama for a one year relationship.

 

Personally I am from the "not your business" camp when it comes to this other persons marriage.

 

Did you announce to everyone you know that your BF is a cheater and gets involved with married women?

 

Did you announce to everyone you cheated on him as well?

 

Do you KNOW that all of the other women weren't married? I guessing he has lied to you a fair bit - how are you confident you have the whole story?

[Jersey born raised]

First move on. He has shown you who he is. I could live with the single FWB not the married one. I have never dated, hung out with the intention of a ONS or FWB. At some point he will do it again and beg for forgiveness and love bomb you. You leave and several years ago bye, a friend asks him what happen. He responds, she was the best thing that ever happened to me, but I am a dog and once a dog always a dog. All the pain he caused you and that will be the truth. So why stay.

 

If the gender where reverse I would expose the other person immediately without a seconds thought. But when it is a MOW and you do not know the spouse a small measure of caution should be used. The husband needs to know is the standard. Read the agony of spouses living in limbo on this thread. I suggest this woman may acting out due to childhood truama, in which case your boy friend nailing her for just sex is no different (in large measure) than nailing a woman passed out. Is this who you want?

[aileD]

They have children

 

Don't get involved.

[maryjanekelly]

Honestly you have both cheated and you are not M'd. Relationship has only been a year? I would cut bait and move on. I wouldn't save anything, start over it's much easier that way. You don't want to get M'd to someone who's lies started at the very beginning of your R.

 

^^^^ This. This right here....

 

I know for a fact that you can't build a relationship on a foundation of lies cheating revenge and disrespect.

 

Been there, done that. You will never be able to trust the man again. So why waste your time? He will do it again, because you stayed with him. Cut the year as a loss, and move on and find someone who is open and honest. There are actual men out there like that. I just discovered this wonderful fact a year ago lol

 

If i were the man being cheated on, I would want to know. I'd say tell him.

Edited September 13, 2016 by maryjanekelly

[stilltrying16]

Absolutely tell him, if you can do so without repercussions to yourself.

 

While it was devastating when I found out, I was glad I didn't live in a world of delusions one second longer than I was forced to. I am not a moron. I do not somehow deserve to live my life devoid of basic information that could guide my choices.

 

Even before I was told, I knew something was wrong, but ******* cheating ex found a way to pick at me so I ended up blaming myself- until I found out about his cheating.

 

Not telling is fine too, provided the reason given is not self-serving. What I'm going to say next is not at attack on anyone who chooses not to tell. It applies only to W and AP who consider themselves noble and compassionate for not telling. When the Wayward and the AP choose not to tell the BH, it's ludicrous to give the reason that they are looking out for the betrayed person's best interest. As though the B's well-being was even remotely on their mind while they were destroying his/her life. But now they are suddenly Mother Theresa's with hearts weeping for the betrayed. And of course choosing a course of action that coincidentally is in their own best interests.

 

The betrayed person has to deal with a lot of mind****ery from their partner. The partner (or their AP) infantilizing them and deciding they are too dumb/weak to deserve to make informed choices about their own lives. FTN

 

Also want to add that it's primarily the W's responsibility to tell, IMO. If an AP tells even for the purpose of seeking revenge, I would still prefer to know. Beats living your life as a joke and a horror show. IMO

Edited September 13, 2016 by stilltrying16

[sandylee1]

If I was the betrayed spouse I would want to know. That's 4 years he's been cheated on and he could move on and find a better wife who doesn't cheat.

 

All that said .... your relationship is built on sand with his cheating with multiple women. You should have cut and run instead of making him delete all his accounts .... when you really can't be sure of others. It's no way to start a relationship. Pictures and videos and you stuck with him. Why?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

So my story is a little different as I have only known my SO for 1 year and the first 6 months he was not being exclusive. I caught his cheating by finding videos, pictures, messages, etc in an external hard drive he had left out in the garage of our new house, a couple of days after we have moved in together. Needless to say, **** hit the fan and I made his life hell for a few months after. I took over all his social media, closed all his extra throw away e-mails (that I knew of), made him ghost all his friend with benefits (FWB) ladies, made him throw away gifts he had received from them ( appliances,toasters, watches, pictures, etc) and asked for full transparency.

 

I decided to also have a revenge affair and that, "He says", hurt him like hell.

 

It's been a couple of months now and we have been very good and having a lot of fun getting to know each other and starting a new life after that hell of a time. Starting from scratch..

 

But there is one thing that keeps bothering me and I just can't shake it off, so I need your opinions on what should I do or what should I not do.

 

One of the FWB was a married woman that my SO had a 4+ years affair with (he was single). During my snooping I saved a lot of this woman's and the other FWB's nudes, emails, text, video, tattoos background (yes they had tattoos on his honour, he has none), etc - I save them as proof to him that I knew and there was no way he could lie anymore.

 

NOT out of anger, I want to out the married woman to her to her husband. I feel extremely sad and sorry for him..The other FWB's were single.

 

I hate the fact that I was lied to for 6 months. I feel it is not fair she is lying to him and has lied to him for 4+ yrs. From what I have read on her texts to my SO, she has gas lighted her husband and has made him out to be a fat,unattractive, bad man. Which I know it is probably not true, I know people that know him and they all say he is a very nice man. I have seen his pictures and he actually looks a lot like my SO.

 

She has very small children (she also cheated while pregnant - so gross) - That is one of the reasons I have not done it yet...what if he becomes violent? I would feel bad if the kids had to see their dad being violent because of my outing. That I have no idea or clue if it would happen...

 

I feel so bad for him... If it was me I would want to know and this is a secret I never asked to know about, my SO brought it on to me by him being stupid and sloppy.

 

My SO says he has not had any type of communication with her since I caught him and the last time they had sex was last year on her birthday before he knew me. Of course I do not believe him....

 

If I find out she is still in touch with my SO I would for sure out her. But I have no proof of that happening...My SO insists that he is not in contact with her.

 

If it was me getting that proof of my SO cheating again, I would be devastated at the amount of cheating.. Shouldn't her husband know all of these?

 

What would you do?

 

 

 

Yours is the mindset of a cheater, basically trying to justify cheating.

 

 

It is backward thinking.

 

 

The reality is that you should stay out of other people's relationships, and remain within the bounds of your own.

 

 

 

Why is this so unclear to a subset of the population?

 

 

It boggles the non-cheating mind.

[harrybrown]

He deserves to know.

 

I would want to know.

 

Please send him the information.

 

She is putting his health at risk and that could case a problem for the kids.

 

Please tell him.

[JewelD]

I don't see the point in playing inspector gadget if you're going to accept it in the end anyway.

 

You don't care about her husband or their kids, you're just mad and you want to screw with her bc she was messing around with your SO. You don't know these people. He might already know and just doesn't care.

 

Now if he comes to you and asks, fine, tattle. But that's never going to happen. and you can't disguise it as a 'good deed' because you would want to know. You're not married and you found out about your SO cheating because you went looking for it.

[Poutrew]

What if you tell and something really tragic happens? Suppose the BH goes ballistic and murders his wife, then kills the kids and then himself. And all because you had to have closure... True, the police wont arrest you for murder, but you'll be guilty nevertheless. And how do you think that could blowback to affect you in your relationship, specially if your man knows you are responsible for such a tragic outcome? Better to just leave it alone. You aren't batman, responsible for righting the world's wrongs. Unless you have a Christ complex, just be grateful you salvaged your own reality and quit worrying about others...

[MJJean]

What if you tell and something really tragic happens? Suppose the BH goes ballistic and murders his wife, then kills the kids and then himself.

 

I'd say the blame for a mess like that would fall squarely on the shoulders of the cheaters and no one else.

 

OP, my $.02 is tell the husband, give him the proof, wish him well in whatever he decides, then dump your serial cheating BF and move on with your life.

[standtall]

IDK IMHO , if it is in the past...not directly related to your marriage...it ain't your problem or business. If this happened when you were married, then most times it is necessary to end the affair.

Keep in mind, there is a big chorus of betrayed spouses that would love to feel vengeance, even if it's not theirs, and it gets projected here. Sometimes it hides behind the truth is always best, but it seems there is an agenda behind it, and often it has no purpose. There is no one size fits all way of dealing with this. You have to follow your heart, but keep in mind, if it serves no purpose other than to "expose" or embarrass, then you have to deal with being the one to precipitate the hurt. Sometimes ill news, is an ill guest.

[Mr. Lucky]

Did you announce to everyone you know that your BF is a cheater and gets involved with married women?

 

Did you announce to everyone you cheated on him as well?

 

 

^^^ This.

 

If you're going to start handing out scarlett letters, save two for you and Mr. Right.

 

I can't help but wonder the relationship status of the person you had your RA with ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

What if you tell and something really tragic happens? Suppose the BH goes ballistic and murders his wife, then kills the kids and then himself. And all because you had to have closure... True, the police wont arrest you for murder, but you'll be guilty nevertheless. And how do you think that could blowback to affect you in your relationship, specially if your man knows you are responsible for such a tragic outcome? Better to just leave it alone. You aren't batman, responsible for righting the world's wrongs. Unless you have a Christ complex, just be grateful you salvaged your own reality and quit worrying about others...

 

This is way over the top and trying to guilt her for the potential murder and suicide of the family.

 

The same way an individual decides to cheat on their spouse for 4 years has to take responsibility, is the same way a criminal has to take responsibility.

 

If every BH who found out went on a murder suicide rampage, there'd be a greatly reduced population in the world and we'd all know about it.

 

Other posters have said to stay out of their relationship. When cheating occurs that goes out of the window, because one AP has inserted themselves in your relationship.

 

If you don't want anyone to interfere, then don't ever become a third wheel and have an affair with married or otherwise attached person.

 

And the fact that they have children is something the woman should have realised herself. Why if the cheating wife and mother doesn't care about that should anyone else give a damn. I often hear people say that the partner of your AP is nobody to you and means nothing .... by that logic why should the children of the OM/OW mean anything to the BS? Because they're innocent isn't enough .... because so was the BS innocent and so are the children on both sides innocent where applicable.

[JewelD]

This is way over the top and trying to guilt her for the potential murder and suicide of the family.

 

The same way an individual decides to cheat on their spouse for 4 years has to take responsibility, is the same way a criminal has to take responsibility.

 

If every BH who found out went on a murder suicide rampage, there'd be a greatly reduced population in the world and we'd all know about it.

 

Other posters have said to stay out of their relationship. When cheating occurs that goes out of the window, because one AP has inserted themselves in your relationship.

 

If you don't want anyone to interfere, then don't ever become a third wheel and have an affair with married or otherwise attached person.

 

And the fact that they have children is something the woman should have realised herself. Why if the cheating wife and mother doesn't care about that should anyone else give a damn. I often hear people say that the partner of your AP is nobody to you and means nothing .... by that logic why should the children of the OM/OW mean anything to the BS? Because they're innocent isn't enough .... because so was the BS innocent and so are the children on both sides innocent where applicable.

 

Violence is not uncommon in cases of infidelity. Now if op's boyfriend gets his legs broken, will it all have been worth it?

 

Whether she suspect the affair is still going on or not, OP doesn't want to leave him. So of course the best action to take is to tell the husband so OP can feel more comfortable knowing her deceitful partner has one less person to cheat with.

 

So the concern here is not that 'poor man and those poor kids', it's "I want my man to be faithful to me and stop contacting other women because I can't trust him".

 

As much as the wife is being described as a scumbag, what does that make OP's boyfriend?? He was involved with a married woman with small children even while she was pregnant (to quote OP, GROSS!).

 

Honestly, just destroy your own relationship first so everything is nice and fair. It's probably going to end soon anyway because you're both cheaters, but he will certainly not be happy with you if you go behind his back to tattle on him to this woman's husband.

 

And your SO didn't burden you with this secret, you went looking for something because you didn't trust him and you found what you were looking for. You burdened yourself by staying with a person you cannot trust.

[Tayla]

When did humans start holding others for their decisions and actions?

 

Sounds like little kids.. But he "made me" do it!

 

Some information may have life long repurcussions.. Those of which are usually told by a doctor or lawyer/judge/ or police.

 

If I tell my friend truthful facts... They are going to absorb, process and proceed with mature actions. Killing isn't on that list. This "what if" is poor thought processing..

[pteromom]

You are asking the wrong question.

 

Rather than focusing on this woman's marriage and her issues, you have plenty of your own to solve.

 

Like - why are you ok staying with a man who has cheated on you several times?

 

And - why did you feel that selling out your own integrity was the right response to his poor choices?

 

And - why are you focusing on this woman? You say it is "gross" that she cheated while pregnant, but exactly why does that make it any grosser than cheating in the first place?

 

I hope you are able to move past this.

 

So, my answer - NO, do not out.

[GorillaTheater]

I'd tell the husband in a heartbeat. Somebody has to be honest with this poor dope.

[elaine567]

So the concern here is not that 'poor man and those poor kids', it's "I want my man to be faithful to me and stop contacting other women because I can't trust him".

 

^^^^^^100%

 

This FWB of 4 years standing is a huge threat to the OP, she knows that, so she is trying to "get rid".

 

OP

This man obviously had a nice set up that suited him well, but you steam into his life, and turn it upside down, like a mother demanding her son tidy his room.

Her son's room may remain tidy for a while, but on closer inspection she may still find his dirty underwear stuffed under the bed and a wardrobe full of unironed shirts...

 

You may think you have tamed the tiger, but a tiger is still at heart a tiger.

Be careful.