How to stop it before it starts MM and MW

[jenkins95]

Thank you...jenkins95

 

I have caused a lot of heartbreak, whether I meant to or not, I still think I am a POS for some of the things I have done.

 

I'm better now, and hope to stay that way.

 

Good for you BP. I intend to join you on that journey. I too was a POS, but I intend to be a good person again now - and stay that way. Good luck BP. Keep the excellent posts coming please.

Edited September 14, 2016 by jenkins95

[Scandipanda]

Again. Just have to thank all of you for your insight and wisdom. As I mentioned, this has happened to me once before - but a very long time ago. The power of Limerence (THANK YOU Grey Cloud for referring me to those readings - huge revelations) is even capable of obliterating lessons learned within the same lifetime.

 

Every time I reach for the text - I come back to this board. And I dont do it.

 

Grey Cloud - your post was extraordinary - and as you say - I feel when I read yours I can see my potential future. I can imagine every scenario playing out. The 'withdrawal', the 'scramble', and the 'bus'. This I will come back to time and time again as the thought makes me want to vomit.

 

Grey Could - I will try to go back and find your older posts but I am really interested in one thing you said...You tried being friends. I am hearing everyone saying that we cant be friends, and to be completely honest, thats the advice I cant at this stage take in. I still, in my heart, believe we can be the most mature best of buddies - joke together, go to the gym together and flick the switch off on anything thats happened so far. I get it that everyone is saying NO NO NO! I would really appreciate to hear what your experience was in trying that.

 

As Recent Change said - its a bit like scaring the sh*t out of the teenager by taking them for a tour of the prison.

 

I hope you dont mind me asking and I fully understand if thats not cool.

[Grey Cloud]

Again. Just have to thank all of you for your insight and wisdom. As I mentioned, this has happened to me once before - but a very long time ago. The power of Limerence (THANK YOU Grey Cloud for referring me to those readings - huge revelations) is even capable of obliterating lessons learned within the same lifetime.

 

Every time I reach for the text - I come back to this board. And I dont do it.

 

Grey Cloud - your post was extraordinary - and as you say - I feel when I read yours I can see my potential future. I can imagine every scenario playing out. The 'withdrawal', the 'scramble', and the 'bus'. This I will come back to time and time again as the thought makes me want to vomit.

 

Grey Could - I will try to go back and find your older posts but I am really interested in one thing you said...You tried being friends. I am hearing everyone saying that we cant be friends, and to be completely honest, thats the advice I cant at this stage take in. I still, in my heart, believe we can be the most mature best of buddies - joke together, go to the gym together and flick the switch off on anything thats happened so far. I get it that everyone is saying NO NO NO! I would really appreciate to hear what your experience was in trying that.

 

As Recent Change said - its a bit like scaring the sh*t out of the teenager by taking them for a tour of the prison.

 

I hope you dont mind me asking and I fully understand if thats not cool.

 

I am glad I can be of some help! I just saw myself in you and really don't want you to take the same path I ultimately did!

 

I thought I could be friends with my MM too. When he left work I was heartbroken but knew ultimately it was for the best. He wanted to stay in touch but after reading everything on LS I said we had to be total NC. We were in NC for the month of March before it was broken and that's when we decided "hey, rather than all or nothing, let's be friends!". Sounds simple right?

 

But when there are feelings and attraction involved being platonic friends NEVER works.In the beginning, I was so happy and grateful we were out of NC that it worked temporarily. But then the emailing and texting became more frequent. It didn't take long before we were back emailing almost daily, back and forth all day. Still justifying it as "friends".

 

And then the admissions came on both sides.... "I still think about you a lot, I still have "bad" thoughts etc etc. because his wife was always suspicious of me he was paranoid about being caught out on his phone which made me feel bad because we were meant to be just friends. But we weren't. We had got ourselves back into an EA, our so called friendship was still a secret. Still something to be hidden with certain "rules" - no contact on weekends etc.

 

We met up in June. The first time we had seen each other in over 3 months. I longed to see him again but thought we would be "safe". After all, we had spoken about it and said we were just friends and couldn't be together physically ever again. Of course, we met up and got drunk and slept together.

 

After then he withdrew quite a bit. I think we were both a bit taken aback by everything. We were just way too comfortable and familiar with each other. The whole push/pull thing started again. I said we should go NC, he fought it. And yet our contact wasn't the same. We were being polite with each other and taking about neutral subjects such as work and that was excruciating in itself after being so close. We both knew we were coming to the inevitable conclusion - NC was the only way. Otherwise we would keep crossing that line.

 

One day I blocked him on FB and we stopped talking for almost 6 weeks. I then reached out to him again in a weak moment after a few triggers happened at work and he had changed his tune and said we should stay in NC, that it made sense, that we can't even be friends given our track record. I knew everything he was saying was true, it just didn't make it any easier

 

And here I am now. Still trying to get over him. Still trying to stop thinking about him constantly. He is like a drug and the thought of him is ever present.

 

You said yourself the attraction with your MM is intense. That is suddenly not going to disappear over night just because you suddenly decide to be friends. Being friends means being in contact. Being in contact means that bond continues which means you will become more emotionally and/or physically invested.

 

Ask yourself some tough questions - are you wanting to remain friends with him because of the way he makes you feel? Because you can't bear to cut him out of your life? If you hung out and went to the gym together will you be open and honest with your husband about who you are with? The more energy you invest in the friendship with MM the less energy you will have for your husband and your marriage will suffer because of it. It's how it works.

 

So no, you can't be friends. You will always want or think about more. One day it will just seem too hard and you will end up in a full blown affair.

 

Sometimes in life you can't have both. You can't have a committed relationship with your husband and be in an inappropriate friendship with a married man. You have to choose. Make the right decision now. Act with integrity. Otherwise you will become the worst possible version of yourself before you even know it. A person you won't even recognise wait will end up breaking you as it does for so many of us in the same position

Edited September 16, 2016 by Grey Cloud

[carhill]

Im just wondering if anyone has any practical advice on the best way to harness and stand down the emotions and impulses. Thank you in advance.

 

Since your interaction is apparently professional, and you both want to be 'great friends' in your words, well great friends are also friends of their respective marriages.

 

I found it pretty easy to enact healthy boundaries when interacting with MW's boyfriends or husbands and to become a friend of their marriage. Put a nice reality in place that brooked little rationalization. This presumes your desires are as stated, to be great friends.

 

Since you've apparently been a recipient of infidelity in the past, and now this has occurred, that underscores how commonplace this stuff is. Boundaries are tested all the time and some are breached. IMO, accept the milieu as normal risks of human interaction and enact a formula which matches up with your desires and personal boundaries. I found the one which works for me. Your path will be your own. Good luck!

[Birdies]

 

So no, you can't be friends. You will always want or think about more. One day it will just seem too hard and you will end up in a full blown affair.

 

Sometimes in life you can't have both. You can't have a committed relationship with your husband and be in an inappropriate friendship with a married man. You have to choose. Make the right decision now. Act with integrity. Otherwise you will become the worst possible version of yourself before you even know it. A person you won't even recognise wait will end up breaking you as it does for so many of us in the same position

 

Yep. This, one billion percent. YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. You just can't. One or the other of you will eventually give in, "just this once", and you'll spiral down a path that neither of you want to be on and that will destroy your marriages (even if truth never actually comes out). Your actions have already shown that the two of you do not have the self-control to keep your relationship appropriate. That will not change. The ONLY way to prevent that is to cut off any friendship and get to a point where he means nothing to you.

 

I've had many, many close guy friends over the years. NEVER have those friendships led to anything inappropriate. Until it did. And that is the one friendship I should have walked away from and never looked back. Like you, I couldn't fully go NC (we work together, closely at times). But I should have been strong enough to recognize that we were asking for trouble, and that was a trouble I did not want to invite into my life, and to cut off a friendship that, like you, really meant a lot to me. Instead, I selfishly and weakly kept that friendship, even though I recognized that the crazy chemistry and compatibility we had was trouble and that I couldn't trust myself to behave.

 

It quickly becomes a runaway train that you can't stop. You tiptoe just a millimeter over the line of what's appropriate. And then another millimeter, and then another millimeter, always telling yourself "it's ok, we'll stop soon, they'll never find out, it's just a little quick break from reality, I deserve a little happiness, etc etc". Until you're in a full-blown insane affair, and falling head over heels in love with someone, and torpedoing your entire life, and hurting the people that you care most about in the whole world, and destroying the world's impression of you as a good person.

 

Don't do it.

[suzymil62]

I understand your dilemma. Being human and having these emotions and feelings is hard some times. I think you already know that you are cheating, even if was just a kiss. My advice is that you need to remove yourself from the situation. Either change jobs, or stay away from him at work. My other suggestion is that you and your husband go to counseling to see what the underlying issues are. There must be something that is driving you to seek the attention of another man. You loved him at some point and the hope is that you can get that back. Counseling can help you both raise the issues and discuss them calmly.

 

Good luck !

 

Suzy

[BluesPower]

Scandipanda, no you cannot be friends, please believe that.

 

Look, a lot of my other woman just would not let go, no matter what I told them. I never lied to any of them. I tried to "Just be friends" and they would not have it.

 

I really don't know why they seem to believe that they are in love with me. We had some sex, yeah it was great but come on, that is not love.

 

Love is what I feel for my wife, and now that she is sober and together, I don't need other women to have sex with. Our chemistry and sex is just so hot and wonderful. That is the one thing that kept us together for all those years to start with.

 

You need to be friends with your husband, work on that chemistry with him, find what brought you together in the first place, that is where love and contentment is at.

[Birdies]

My other suggestion is that you and your husband go to counseling to see what the underlying issues are. There must be something that is driving you to seek the attention of another man. You loved him at some point and the hope is that you can get that back. Counseling can help you both raise the issues and discuss them calmly.

 

Good luck !

 

Suzy

 

I agree with this, too. I loved my husband and couldn't imagine my life without him, but I also found myself capable of carrying on a year+ long affair and falling in love with someone else. Looking back now, I realize I was a lot unhappier in my marriage than I recognized at the time, and had become so resentful of my husband over a few critical issues that that resentment pushed out my feelings of "in-love"-ness for him. I wish I had realized what was happening and addressed it head on, while our marriage was still salvageable and before I had hurt him so deeply.

 

Learn from us, OP

[Diotima]

I was in your situation. But I want to tell you the other end of the story. I tried NC 8 times without success. I couldn't lie to my xH, so he knew from the beginning. Even this couldn't help. Actually made things worse. We got married, none of us really wanted to hide it from the beginning. But mainly what I am trying to say is that even it worked out for us, D was really hard thing to do and blended family is a constant effort. I wouldn't advise anyone to jump into second marriage especially if it involves kids. Ending long term marriage is emotionally damaging for everyone too.

[Logan787]

This is a dangerous road you heading towards. Be professional and stay away from him. Hanging out together with each other's spouses will not stop you from having an affair but staying away and cutting communication with him will. Take it from me, am an XOW. I am still suffering from my actions. Had I known is always at last.

 

You stirred my curiosity. I would love to hear your story that your referring to as the XOW. If you wanna share, I would love to hear. Your username tells me a lot too. I hope you are finding healing.

[Logan787]

OK so - the message is loud and clear about NC.

 

And to reassure you (and myself) Im doing well. Recently we had a wide open opportunity to spend lots of time alone, undetected and over night. Not that either of us discussed an overnight stay but the opportunity was clear as day. I got in my car and cried out of frustration. Then I drove 3 hours in the opposite direction and stayed with a friend. It was hard to do but I knew it was a critical moment and had to withdraw myself from any opportunity.

 

So - with NC - how HOW HOW do you survive emotionally? What tricks have people learned to keep themselves sane and happy-ish. Its one thing to do it - its another to be kind to yourself while doing it?? Make sense???

 

If I am wrong please forgive me, but you seem to be very emotionally attached to this man just by hanging out with him and kissing him. It seems some kind of bond was created between you two. Are you sure you didn't have some kind of sexual contact with him? Again, if I'm wrong, I apologize. Just seems that way.

[sadsickandscared]

Read my thread - it hurts more than you know - walk away now, before it gets so hard to walk and you care more than you should.

[Birdies]

OP - any update? You seem so smart and reasonable and I'm wondering how this all is going.

[S2B]

You've already kissed him several times - so you have cheated on your husband.

 

And you typed that you are happy in your marriage...are you sure or just telling yourself that?

 

If you want the M to survive you should tell YOUR HUSBAND - be honest! That way you can grow WITHIN the marriage instead of outside of the marriage.

 

You can't feel that close to a spouse while pining away for someone else - and betraying them while doing that.

 

It can't be both ways - which is it? An honest and happy marriage or a marriage built on lies by omission?

[Osmium13]

Nobody that cheats is 100% fulfilled in their marriage, or they wouldn't cheat! It's that simple IMO.

[l8estnews]

'keep in touch'.

 

Don't keep in touch. I can't believe a person who "adores" his wife will still try to continue communicating with someone he is attracted with.

 

Oh, the pain this will cause to the kids. Been a child exposed to my father's infidelity. I still hate his OW til this day. Do you want an innocent person to legitimately hate you for causing pain you know you've done?

 

Not worth it my friend.

[Scandipanda]

HI Birdies

Heres an update. So far so good. No further developments and we have had to spend quite a lot of time together. Maybe Im kidding myself but I feel our friendship is developing well. To be honest though its killing my heart - and as I said from the start - thats what I wanted help with. I adore him and theres nothing to be done about it. No one seems to have the answer for that one!!

[MidnightBlue1980]

HI Birdies

Heres an update. So far so good. No further developments and we have had to spend quite a lot of time together. Maybe Im kidding myself but I feel our friendship is developing well. To be honest though its killing my heart - and as I said from the start - thats what I wanted help with. I adore him and theres nothing to be done about it. No one seems to have the answer for that one!!

 

There is an answer, you may not like it though. I have guy friends and of course there was that flirtation in the beginning, they test the waters. Having turned one of them into now xmm and lost the friendship, I can tell you, if you really like him as a person don't go there. Instead be real - nothing kills it like hearing about your guy friend's love life. When they go on and on and on, they become like a girlfriend, it goes into the friend zone. There is no flirtation and it's a real friendship, beyond whether one is a boy or a girl, you are just two people, like when you were 5.

[whichwayisup]

HI Birdies

Heres an update. So far so good. No further developments and we have had to spend quite a lot of time together. Maybe Im kidding myself but I feel our friendship is developing well. To be honest though its killing my heart - and as I said from the start - thats what I wanted help with. I adore him and theres nothing to be done about it. No one seems to have the answer for that one!!

 

Well, your marriage and what you feel for your husband is going down the tubes. You're emotionally investing in another (MM) man and that's making you detach on all levels from your husband. This MM has your head space and heart. You can pretty it up and say it's a 'friendship'... It's a selfish and self serving friendship ON the expense of your husband and his wife.

 

Bolded. Actually there is, but you're not willing to do it. Meaning you're not willing to end it and go complete NC and only focus on your husband, marriage and family life.

 

It's only a matter of time before your husband clues in and you get busted.

[Scandipanda]

There's nothing to bust Whichwayisup. Here's the kicker. My H knows. Our relationship worked through it and is better than ever.

But you dont just turn off feelings for another human being, and I dont think that actually makes you a bad person.

[DKT3]

Hmmm, your husband knows, or he knows a shortened clean version. I bet the latter

[malvern99]

Here's the fly in your ointment as I see it Scandi. If you love and want to be married to your husband, then why tempt fate and hang around with a person you are sexually and emotionally attracted to? That's like an alcoholic hanging out in a bar trying to drink nothing but soda and water. They may be successful for a time, but sooner or later, their resolve will crack. The temptation is too strong. One drink turns to two, and suddenly, they've fallen off the wagon.

 

So, you have to ask yourself what your priorities are. Are they to protect the integrity of your marriage, or are they to chase your desires turning a blind eye to possible consequences? You can't have both. No one can make you choose. People who have been in your situation though (on both sides) can give you insight into the world of hurt you are leaving yourself open to.

 

How did your husband react to you telling him you were kissing another man? How is he reacting to you continuing to chase this so called friendship with this other man?

 

Good luck to you.

[ChickiePops]

There's nothing to bust Whichwayisup. Here's the kicker. My H knows. Our relationship worked through it and is better than ever.

But you dont just turn off feelings for another human being, and I dont think that actually makes you a bad person.

 

Your husband knows that you're in love with another man and that you're currently in an affair? Wow..he's whipped...

[SweetiePi]

Scandipanda, I don't post much, but felt the need to post to you. I went down the same road as you this year. Insane connection with a man I met 2 years ago. I avoided him at social events for the longest time because I sensed the connection him and I had immediately (I have rarely felt this and never this strong for a man), but I was at that time truly happy in my marriage. Last year our paths crossed more socially through volunteer work. I found that the feelings I had for him were mutual. We crossed the line when we confided and leaned on each other with our troubled marriages (EA). I could tell him almost anything. We used to take in a sports activity together once a week. I made every excuse to spend more time with him volunteering along side him. I felt so alive around him and he was an emotional support. I felt inspired around him and he helped me realize that I deserve to care for myself more. I have gotten healthier mentally and physically because of it. He started to emotionally pull away months ago. It hurts more than I can express. I know he didn't mean to hurt me and that he still genuinely cares for me as do I for him.

 

 

So, like you, I am in that same situation of "I adore him" as a person. I understand how you feel. Had we not crossed boundaries, him and I would have been great friends, but that is no longer possible. This has been such a grey area in my life.

 

 

Here is how I am managing...

journaling

art therapy. I create pieces of art that express my feelings

spending more time with family and other friends

painting

keeping active in volunteering

continuing group and individual therapy

 

 

and the most important: I maintain some boundaries. I don't text much anymore, usually just in regards to the volunteer work or I will reply to him when he asks how I am. No more weekly sports together. I don't invite him to monthly get togethers that he has attended in the past with me. I only see him about once a month for the volunteer work. I'm still friendly and kind towards him, but I don't hug him (we always hugged). Maintaining a physical distance is mandatory for me to detach.

 

 

The chemistry and attraction is still there. The hurt is still there, but it is what it is and I care enough about him to maintain a distance and try not hurt him.

 

 

If you are not able to go NC, I hope you will be able to detach yourself bit by bit so it is bearable.

 

 

 

 

HI Birdies

Heres an update. So far so good. No further developments and we have had to spend quite a lot of time together. Maybe Im kidding myself but I feel our friendship is developing well. To be honest though its killing my heart - and as I said from the start - thats what I wanted help with. I adore him and theres nothing to be done about it. No one seems to have the answer for that one!!

[BluesPower]

SweetiePi, That is really good advice.

 

The problem is that I did not hear how you are trying to reconnect with your husband. See, that is the problem with these things. Everyone feels the chemistry, most sleep together, everyone gets hurt, and still sometimes we forget our spouse who is left out in the cold. Sometimes, they don't know about the affair, but they know something is wrong, they always do.

 

I am not criticizing, we have all don't it one way or another.

 

But if you and OP cannot think of your husbands first (or wives as the case may be), then you should be thinking about a divorce.

 

Life really is to short to spend it in a bad marriage...