How to stop it before it starts MM and MW

[Birdies]

HI Birdies

Heres an update. So far so good. No further developments and we have had to spend quite a lot of time together. Maybe Im kidding myself but I feel our friendship is developing well. To be honest though its killing my heart - and as I said from the start - thats what I wanted help with. I adore him and theres nothing to be done about it. No one seems to have the answer for that one!!

 

Hey back Glad you came back. I do have to say - having been there, done that, blown up my life to smithereens - I have to agree with the others that you're seriously playing with fire. At best, you're damaging your marriage by indulging this attraction, both physical and emotional, to another man. At worst, you're going to follow in the footsteps of so many other people here who have destroyed their marriages, destroyed the person they've pledged to love and protect most in the world, destroyed their friendships, destroyed their reputation, destroyed their sense of self as a good and moral person.

 

As for the bolded part, I think you have gotten plenty of advice on that matter, but it's just not what you want to hear. And I understand that. I didn't want to admit it to myself either. The only way to stop crushing on this person is to stop being around him. Otherwise, you are just fanning the flames, and it will continue to hurt that you care about him / are attracted to him / want to be with him and cannot. Until you decide, "Well, maybe just one more kiss. What they don't know won't hurt them. Maybe just one night together. Maybe just a few weeks of an affair." Etc etc etc, until you're head over heels in love with someone besides your husband. Again - been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Learn from us. You don't want to go down that road. Good luck

[BluesPower]

Wow Birdies good post and good advice.

 

She is right, I guess you really don't want to hear the truth of the situation.

 

If you keep this contact up, you will sleep with him, unless you are a far, far, better person that about 95% of the human population.

 

See, you are already having an affair whether you want to admit it or not. It will only get worse for you.

 

But hey, maybe you will beat the odds.

 

Good luck to you...

[SweetiePi]

I agree with you BluesPower. I've only started to by being more affectionate and trying to meet his needs better. Reconnecting with my husband is key as I am staying married. I don't know if our marriage will last more than 5 years, but time will tell. At very minimum, I need to keep my home life peaceful as friends at least. I do love him still despite what him and I have been through.

 

 

My situation is a little more complicated. I am ashamed to admit I found a couple months ago my H had an affair with a man last year (says he only got a bj, but I found texts of the man saying he misses cuddling and intimacy with my H). He denied and I felt crazy till I dug up more proof and even when I did that and showed him the proof he still denied. My head was spinning cause I still don't believe he told me the whole truth. I snooped more the next week and also found he was in contact with 10 others; both men and women in that year and a half, though he didn't meet up with the rest of them. He had these hidden desires that he could have come to me with (even prior to being married). I'm pretty open minded and accepting. I came to him with my fantasies previously and he called me a horny b****. He treated me like I was a sexual deviant. What pisses me off is that I felt guilty about my EA and told my H about my inappropriate friendship with that MM. I told him I would cut off the friendship etc. He told me he didn't care (clearly cause he felt guilt about his affair).

 

 

Bottom line is not every A and reconciliation fits in one box. I have no clue what the OP's situation is at home. Sometimes it is more complicated that we see from the outside. We can suggest that OP reconnects with her H, but that can be harder said than done. Divorce can be complicated too. I shared the changes I've made to myself on this inside (therapy, painting journaling etc) because these things have helped me heal up on the inside. I am pretty broken and that is a catalyst to me getting into an A. We need to be able to find an outlet and heal up ourselves to be a good partner to anyone.

 

 

 

 

SweetiePi, That is really good advice.

 

The problem is that I did not hear how you are trying to reconnect with your husband. See, that is the problem with these things. Everyone feels the chemistry, most sleep together, everyone gets hurt, and still sometimes we forget our spouse who is left out in the cold. Sometimes, they don't know about the affair, but they know something is wrong, they always do.

 

I am not criticizing, we have all don't it one way or another.

 

But if you and OP cannot think of your husbands first (or wives as the case may be), then you should be thinking about a divorce.

 

Life really is to short to spend it in a bad marriage...

[Scandipanda]

Thank you SweetiePi (and Birdie) I really dont feel like coming to this thread often because I dont think many people actually read your situation thoroughly and can be pretty harsh with their judgements and assumptions (even if they are 100% right, there's a way of speaking to people so they will hear). You however seem to get it. Also - like you (SweetiePi) - I have a more complicated background with my husband and his infidelity and sexuality. People will only see what they want to see based on their own values and filters, no matter what you say. I am also broadminded and there are many ways to define a relationship. But I am not comfortable talking about his situation on this forum.

 

I greatly appreciate your feedback on how to cope.

 

The way I see it at the moment is like having been addicted to an amazing drug. I could go cold turkey (like most seem to suggest is the way). And yes I HEAR YOU ALL!!! But lets be real - I wont - I just wont. My approach is gradual and systematic weaning - so not to destroy myself in one foul swoop.

This is the weaning strategy which is working pretty well. How I define working: Obsessive and constant thinking has reduced greatly in frequency and my control over contact has strengthened hugely.

 

So weaning includes:

- no longer texting (was texting almost constantly)

- no longer initiating social contact (before was coffee and exercise)

- no drinking alcohol in each others company (zero self control under the influence)

- Fixating on the ****ty behaviours and attributes not the imagined perfect ones

- Thinking about his kids (thinking about his W doesnt seem to work)

- Huge focus on intimate time (emotional and physical) with my Hubby. Our sex life has never been better (he is thrilled) - and no - I dont think about OM during (if anything that puts me off!)

 

We will not be doing no contact as we have both invested large $$ and professional reputation into our MBAs.

 

So there is it - please everyone, try to resist the urge to pick this thread to pieces.

[SweetiePi]

You're welcome Scandipanda.

 

 

I agree with what you say about how the way you are spoken to you can make you hear better or just shut them out.

 

 

I also have some different views on both sexuality and love. I am not judging my H for his sexuality or his choice to live married life with me and deny his urges for men. I just want to have that open communication with him the way I have confided in him my sexuality. I am bisexual and polyamorous. I have the capacity to love more than one person at a time, but I choose to live monogamous married. Being this way doesn't give me the right to sleep with a bunch of people though. My husband knows and accepts all of this as I have been transparent with him from the very beginning. There is too much judgement from the outside world on this stuff. I have come to terms with who I am and that it is not beneficial for me to deny this and not accept who I am on the inside. Just because I feel a certain way, does not mean I have to act on it. Learning to accept myself and my feelings and expression of them has helped tremendously. The more I bury my feelings and heart, the more pain I am in. I'm a very emotionally sensitive person. Therapy has helped me express what I cannot put into words or act upon onto canvas. If you can find an art therapist in your area I highly recommend it. You don't have to be creative to do this.

 

 

Your goals are realistic IMO. I am also not able to go NC as he is ingrained into my social circle already. I would never travel down this path again especially when the man is in your social circle. You are right. It is like a drug, a high. I don't know if you are like me, but I have to keep physical contact to a very minimum because physical touch bonds me emotionally so does his kind words. His hugs were comforting. He knows how to speak my "love languages": words of affirmation and physical touch (from the book).

 

 

I think you and I seem to be going the same direction, weaning ourselves off this high. Coming to a realistic look at what we want, how we want to act and not be controlled by this high. I don't want to demonize him because I don't personally feel he is purposefully trying to hurt me. He really is a kind person even though we have made some bad choices. Looking realistically as you are at what his flaws are is good. I think about these questions... Would he be easy to live with or drive me crazy eventually with his quirks? Do our long term goals line up? Will the passion fade as I get to know him deeper? How would his grown daughter feel about me if I were to insert myself into his life? How would his adult daughter feel about him if he left his W for me? Even if we did things properly and both divorced and dated and chose a life together, she would probably end up despising me and upset with her dad. He loves his daughter and it makes me proud of him the way he is invested in her. I don't want to blow up the world of a man I care for. I've learned to accept these things the way they are. Radical acceptance is key .Our lives do not line up together romantically nor can I be a close friend to him cause it would hurt me too much. It doesn't mean I have to hate him or treat him bad when I see him.

 

 

I hope this all helps you. I'm a real person with raw emotion. I'd not have shared this much on his board if I didn't feel it would help you and others. We take the risk exposing our vulnerabilities here that not everyone will understand. If you don't feel comfortable revealing more here, I welcome you to private message me if you want to. We all need support, understanding and someone to keep us accountable at times.

 

 

Thank you SweetiePi (and Birdie) I really dont feel like coming to this thread often because I dont think many people actually read your situation thoroughly and can be pretty harsh with their judgements and assumptions (even if they are 100% right, there's a way of speaking to people so they will hear). You however seem to get it. Also - like you (SweetiePi) - I have a more complicated background with my husband and his infidelity and sexuality. People will only see what they want to see based on their own values and filters, no matter what you say. I am also broadminded and there are many ways to define a relationship. But I am not comfortable talking about his situation on this forum.

 

I greatly appreciate your feedback on how to cope.

 

The way I see it at the moment is like having been addicted to an amazing drug. I could go cold turkey (like most seem to suggest is the way). And yes I HEAR YOU ALL!!! But lets be real - I wont - I just wont. My approach is gradual and systematic weaning - so not to destroy myself in one foul swoop.

This is the weaning strategy which is working pretty well. How I define working: Obsessive and constant thinking has reduced greatly in frequency and my control over contact has strengthened hugely.

 

So weaning includes:

- no longer texting (was texting almost constantly)

- no longer initiating social contact (before was coffee and exercise)

- no drinking alcohol in each others company (zero self control under the influence)

- Fixating on the ****ty behaviours and attributes not the imagined perfect ones

- Thinking about his kids (thinking about his W doesnt seem to work)

- Huge focus on intimate time (emotional and physical) with my Hubby. Our sex life has never been better (he is thrilled) - and no - I dont think about OM during (if anything that puts me off!)

 

We will not be doing no contact as we have both invested large $$ and professional reputation into our MBAs.

 

So there is it - please everyone, try to resist the urge to pick this thread to pieces.

[whichwayisup]

There's nothing to bust Whichwayisup. Here's the kicker. My H knows. Our relationship worked through it and is better than ever.

But you dont just turn off feelings for another human being, and I dont think that actually makes you a bad person.

 

Your husband knows you were drunk and kissed another man? Does he know that you're "in love" with another man and wanting to spend time and bond with another man? I seriously doubt your husband is okay with this.

 

You said:

 

But something bizarre happened and its like a massive chemical reaction. We got talking an connected intensely. There was lots of class social bonding and drinks over the first weeks. Twice, with lots of alcohol we ended up kissing. OMG - cant describe the feeling. He is also MM, very happy, kids etc - same as me. Neither want an A. Neither want hurt and betrayal. We have agreed it will never happen again (but thats what we said after the first kiss). But the attraction is off the chart. Like a magnet.

 

How do I deal with this? NC is not an option as we are both financially and professionally committed to a 2 year qualification (part time). Honestly - I want to be great friends and so does he as we have this great connection. But how to we navigate that without risking betrayal.

 

You cannot be 'friends' with this MM at all. You're deceiving yourself if you believe this. Right now it's an emotional affair, you're investing in it and in him, risking your marriage and your connect to your husband. You two have made out, probably more than once and if you continue down this path, you WILL end up in bed with him.

 

I'm betting if your husband stumbled across this site and read your thread, he would be hurt, shocked and feel very betrayed by your actions.

[Scandipanda]

I thought some of you might like to hear this.

 

This week it feels like something massive has changed. Its like the fog has lifted and the magic spell has been broken. The obsession has significantly reduced (to Id say 10% of what it was) and I get this SICK feeling about how close it got.

 

As I said, Id spoken to my husband. We had another amazing conversation that lasted all night and we put everything out there. I know people cant seem to believe it - but its true, He was amazing and Im utterly blessed to have him. He said he understood how these feelings and urges can take hold and people have very narrow views of what can happen in a marriage. He understands it could happen to either of us. He wants us to remain exclusive and devoted but understand how this bug can sneak you up and bite you on the ass. Its how you deal with it together he says.

 

I dont know if it was the conversation or what - but today I see OM through a whole different lens. Rather than this hypnotically perfect sexy laser beam of a human, I see a selfish, self absorbed user, who doesnt actually care about me. Its insane. Its like someone gave me an antidote.

 

I was standing at my kitchen sink today and it really hit me how close I came to losing everything and how great I have it now. Im very lucky and got away by the skin of my teeth.

 

I am also aware that it is possible to have a relapse just from seeing him and am going to be totally vigilant.

 

I have finally given up on being friends with OM. He has already let me down many times as a friends - when I really needed someone. He's not a real friend of course - but I SOOOOO wanted to believe he was.

 

I think he also wanted to be a friend but each time was scared for his relationship and family (as he should be). He pushed and pulled as it suited him - and it did my head in.

 

I want to thank everyone for their advise and reflections. No matter how much you tell someone 'dont do it , it will wreck your life' I dont think they can really hear you until their fog lifts. But I could still hear you. I just now believe you.

 

xxxxx