He is still lying to his wife in counseling

[Done2016]

I started an emotional affair with someone that I have known since I was 14. We were really good friends in high school and he always had a crush on me. We reconnected and he kept calling me rebuilding our friendship however he has been married for 15 years. Against my better judgement, I fell into an emotional affair. The affair lasted 6 months, and his wife discovered the phone records. He still wanted to continue as he told his wife he was leaving. After she found out, he still continued to contact me through a private messaging service. I eventually called it off as I said I could not continue a relationship when we could not talk. And I would not jeopardize his custody with his children. He continued to reach out, and I reached out a couple times as I was getting phone calls from numbers that I thought were suspicious. He even started texting my google number for text. Now here we are over a year later and I find out that he has been in marriage counseling for 6 months about 2 weeks ago. I would think his marriage counselor would have told him to stop all contact with me to save his marriage, yet he still wants to be friends. Yet while he says he cannot act on anything right now his feelings are still as deep as they were for me. I do not want to participate in this however he will not shut it down. Since I did not out the affair, is it okay to anonymously contact the wife so she knows he never ended the affair?

[CarrieT]

Why contact the wife anonymously? Why not do it openly?

 

Let her know the kind of guy she is married to, by all means.

[Done2016]

I am trying to avoid any possible backlash from either one of them.

[CarrieT]

You said that you don't want to participate, but he won't shut it down.

 

Well, if you don't want to be a part of his deception, the best thing you can do is expose him to his wife. That will shut him down.

 

Sorry, but the backlash is just part of being involved with a married man. You have to take your lumps as well. You are also a guilty party.

 

Question - Have you blocked him? He shouldn't be able to get through to you if you have blocked him. In which case you shouldn't know that he is in counseling or anything about his marriage....

[Done2016]

I know I am just as guilty and working through my own emotions to get through it.

 

I have blocked him on FB and email. I have not figured out how to block Google voice yet so he cannot text me there as well.

[Forever broken]

Since he's having problems with staying no contact, why don't you help him stay no contact? I wouldnt worry about contacting his wife, worry about you. Cut all communications with him. He's a cake eater.

[CarrieT]

I know I am just as guilty and working through my own emotions to get through it.

One of the best ways to get through these situations is to alleviate the guilt by coming clean - and telling the wife...

[basil67]

He probably hasn't told the counselor or his wife that he's still in contact with you.

 

You say that you want out but he won't shut it down. Have you blocked him on all media? If so, how is he making contact with you?

[Done2016]

I have blocked him in several cases, however currently researching how to block google voice.

[angel.eyes]

I know I am just as guilty and working through my own emotions to get through it.

 

I have blocked him on FB and email. I have not figured out how to block Google voice yet so he cannot text me there as well.

 

Oh please! Enough with the excuses! It took me all of two seconds to find this. Another 10 seconds to verify the instructions work.

 

1. Open Google Voice.
   
2. Click the History tab.
   
3. Scroll to the contact name, and click the contact's name.
   
4. Under the "When this contact calls you" section, click Edit.
   
5. Select the second option, next to the drop-down menu.
   
6. From the drop-down menu, choose one of the options:
   

• Send to Voicemail: None of your phones will ring, but the caller will be prompted to leave you a voicemail message.
  
  
• Treat as Spam: The caller will hear ringing and then be prompted to leave you a voicemail message. None of your phones will ring. The voicemail will be automatically marked in your inbox as Spam, and you won't receive a notification for the voicemail.
  
  
• Block Caller: The caller will hear a "Number not in service" message when calling your Google number. None of your phones will ring. Blocked calls won't show in your call history as missed calls.
  
  

[JewelD]

It doesn't really matter if he's blocked or not if you're still talking to him. If you stopped responding to him, he would eventually take the hint and leave you alone.

 

Do you want to tell his wife because you actually want her to know or do you want to tell her so you can add some fuel to the fire in the hopes that his wife will end their marriage?

 

If you wanted to tell her for good reasons, you would have told her a long time ago. This situation is an easy fix, stop talking to this man. Even if he manages to get around your blocking, ignore him.

[Done2016]

Thank you for sending the directions although I had already figured it out. A friend showed up so I was not online to reply. He has been blocked every possible way.

[Done2016]

It doesn't really matter if he's blocked or not if you're still talking to him. If you stopped responding to him, he would eventually take the hint and leave you alone.

 

Do you want to tell his wife because you actually want her to know or do you want to tell her so you can add some fuel to the fire in the hopes that his wife will end their marriage?

 

If you wanted to tell her for good reasons, you would have told her a long time ago. This situation is an easy fix, stop talking to this man. Even if he manages to get around your blocking, ignore him.

 

I do not want to tell her so he will leave the marriage as I know it would not work between us. This is exactly why I have not up to this point. In going through counseling, I know I disrespected the marriage. And I go back and forth whether I would want to know or not if I were in her shoes. I have asked several divorced girlfriends that found out later on about affairs that wished someone had told them so they could have gotten out early. This is where I am coming from.

[JewelD]

I do not want to tell her so he will leave the marriage as I know it would not work between us. This is exactly why I have not up to this point. In going through counseling, I know I disrespected the marriage. And I go back and forth whether I would want to know or not if I were in her shoes. I have asked several divorced girlfriends that found out later on about affairs that wished someone had told them so they could have gotten out early. This is where I am coming from.

 

Ask yourself this: why do you care? You don't even know his wife. and you can't use that "if I were in her shoes" argument because you didn't consider that when you were talking to this man. But now that it's over and you have realized you stand to gain nothing from it, now you're ready to be open and honest with her? Come on now.

 

You're still having conversations with him, do you plan on telling her that part? Maybe someone should tell her, like....her husband? She certainly doesn't need to hear it from you. She might not even believe you. and what will it do for your life? Make you feel less guilty?

 

That's their marriage, let them work it out and you go on about your life and find a single man.

[aileD]

The affair will end if you just stop talking to him. No need to contact his wife .

[MidnightBlue1980]

The affair will end if you just stop talking to him. No need to contact his wife .

 

She wants to contact his wife because she has been lied to and is angry. I have the same situation. I was also lied to about the state of the marriage. He admitted he was in counseling to give his wife false security. I also want to contact her. Why not. These guys destroy our lives. Why not destroy theirs? Why not burn it all down?

[Done2016]

Ask yourself this: why do you care? You don't even know his wife. and you can't use that "if I were in her shoes" argument because you didn't consider that when you were talking to this man. But now that it's over and you have realized you stand to gain nothing from it, now you're ready to be open and honest with her? Come on now.

 

You're still having conversations with him, do you plan on telling her that part? Maybe someone should tell her, like....her husband? She certainly doesn't need to hear it from you. She might not even believe you. and what will it do for your life? Make you feel less guilty?

 

That's their marriage, let them work it out and you go on about your life and find a single man.

 

We have 20 close friends in common from childhood so it will come out eventually as most secrets do in this situation. And I can appreciate you saying let the chips fall as they may. I have done everything I can to block him and I will not respond to him based on everyone's advice. However I will not continue to lie for him if a common friend asks or if I hear gossip from one of those friends. This is part of my recovery. Tell the truth and be honest.

[grassisorisntgreener]

If you've never had sex, I think you should explain to him one last time to work on his marriage and leave you alone, forever.

 

If you have had sex, I think the wife deserves to know that he has brought other womens bodily fluids into her marriage.

[Done2016]

We did not have sex.

[JewelD]

We have 20 close friends in common from childhood so it will come out eventually as most secrets do in this situation. And I can appreciate you saying let the chips fall as they may. I have done everything I can to block him and I will not respond to him based on everyone's advice. However I will not continue to lie for him if a common friend asks or if I hear gossip from one of those friends. This is part of my recovery. Tell the truth and be honest.

 

Then how about you start with yourself? This is not part of your recovery, you're just bitter. Is it really going to boost your self esteem by telling mutual friends that you were a sidechick? There's a thick line between being honest and telling everybody your business. As much as you 'didn't want to participate', you were willingly involved and you look just as bad as him. I can't imagine anyone will be giving you a standing ovation for your confession.

 

The wife didn't need your 'help' to find out what was going on in the first place so she certainly doesn't need it now. You think that's going to ruin their marriage, get a grip. She knows about you and they're STILL together. He knows he could be with you and he's STILL with her. You didn't put a stop to it because it was wrong, you stopped it because you realized he wasn't about to leave his wife for you.

 

The husband has all of your info and knows your business at this point. If wife decides to come find you and pistol whip you, who are you going to blame? Karma has a funny way of working things out. You already have some mess coming your way because of the initial affair, but telling this woman or 'mutual friends' in order hurt her and screw with her husband because he doesn't want to leave his wife for you is an action motivated by your own jealousy and pain. You'll get what's coming to you eventually and it won't be a cookie.

[Done2016]

Wow. You really like to assume everything. I know he has already told atleast 5 of our mutual friends. I already had a sister of one of those mutual friends ask. So it would not be me telling my business to everyone. I do have a right though to set the record straight if it is brought up. And you can continue to argue with me whether you think this would be wrong of me. I do not agree with you on me not being able to be honest if it is brought up.

[Done2016]

And yes I am dealing with the mess and I know that is part of my karma. I got myself into counseling to process that. I am not angry with him. I am angry with myself and trying to do the right thing in the present. Yet you do not seem to believe me. And I am okay with this. We all deal with situations differently. I know I am on the path to healing.

[JewelD]

Wow. You really like to assume everything. I know he has already told atleast 5 of our mutual friends. I already had a sister of one of those mutual friends ask. So it would not be me telling my business to everyone. I do have a right though to set the record straight if it is brought up. And you can continue to argue with me whether you think this would be wrong of me. I do not agree with you on me not being able to be honest if it is brought up.

 

YOU asked for advice on a public forum. You asked strangers if what you were doing was 'okay'. If you'd already made up your mind about what you were going to do, there was no point in asking or getting upset because everyone isn't cheering you on. Welcome to Loveshack.

[Done2016]

Did my response not tell you I am okay with the disagreements? If you felt I did not handle that respectfully then I apologize.

[anika99]

Did my response not tell you I am okay with the disagreements? If you felt I did not handle that respectfully then I apologize.

 

You're doing well here, no need to apologize. This can be a tough crowd, lol. If you want to tell his wife then I say go ahead, but do it honestly and openly like an adult woman, not anonymously like a snake in the grass. If you want the affair over then stop talking to the MM. Don't respond to anything he sends and if he manages to get through to you on the phone hang up on him. Do that every single time and he will go away.