How should I proceed?

[frankstower]

This is my first post, and I am just learning the ropes. Apologies if it is too long winded or in the wrong forum.

 

I've been married for almost two years. I met my wife back in 2009, and when meeting her I felt like she was the girl that I had been waiting 27 years for (I was 27 at the time). Things moved pretty quickly, and after a few months we were officially living together. We passed a lot of milestones together in the first few years--we went to Europe in spring 2010, got a dog and cat together, and bought a house together in 2011.

 

Anyway, things were going so well for the first several years, and the only small thing that ever stood out was that she could drink a lot. Many week nights she would drink wine, but typically only a glass or two. I noticed that she would get a little emotional after the first glass, and on the weekends she would sometimes drink too much and black out. Her father comes from a big Italian family, and wine is served with every meal. Her mother is Japanese, and in my experience I have found that some of my Japanese friends are total lightweights when it comes to alcohol. I just sort of made note in my mind that her father’s culture’s approach to drinking may have a slight conflict with the Japanese part of her DNA. I am a weekend drinker myself, and while I never would blackout, there were plenty of nights where I got pretty hammered with her. I always looked the other way when I felt she was being really emotional, or when she would black out because she is so perfect in every other way, and because nothing too bad had ever come from it, other than a wicked hangover.

 

Fast forward to fall 2014. We are at her ten-year high school reunion. It is about a month before our wedding date, and everyone was drinking heavily. There was this guy Peter at the reunion, who my wife had had a crush on as a teenager. Peter is super-good looking, like Ryan Reynolds, but younger. None of this bothered me, because at the time at least I wasn't the jealous type, and didn't have any reason to worry. During the entire evening she would leave me alone with her friends and former classmates and just follow this guy around. She would sort of flirt with him, and just clung to his side the whole night. It seemed really out of character at the time, and I brought it up to her the next day. She swore that it was just her being happy to see an old friend and that it was like running around as a kid with him. She also mentioned that her feelings for him subsided once her best friend started dating him in their late teens/early twenties.

 

None of this really rocked my world in any way, and we proceeded to have a beautiful wedding the following month.

 

Fast forward to June of 2015. We are at a friends wedding, and we are both really drunk. She met this guy Chris at the wedding and spent most of the night talking with him, and being kind of flirty. She would rest her head on his shoulder, and pretty much seemed to forget that I existed the entire night. I walked up to them a few times, and she would look at me and casually say "oh hey". Again, I wasn't really the jealous type, but I did have flashes of the feeling that I had the fall before at the High School reunion, and this guy was super handsome as well, like James Franco handsome. Resting your head on an old friend's shoulder is one thing, but a guy you just met, who you never met before? It stood out a bit, but part of me thought that maybe the guy was gay, because he had a bit of a fabulous vibe to him, and my gaydar was going off a little bit. I also assumed that she thought he was gay for the same reasons.

 

We go to a party at a friends house the following weekend, and the same guy Chris is there. Pretty early on in the night she left my side, and proceeded to hang with him the entire night. I walked up to them a few times and she did the same "oh hey" thing, and went back to her conversation. She never offered to introduce me to him, or attempt a conversation. At one point the two of them even walked by me and she said "hey", and continued to walk on.

This night really stood out because It was the third time in under a year that this had happened, and it was never something that happened the years prior. At some point during the following few days his name came up and she mentioned to me that he wasn't gay.

 

Around this time in our relationship we were dealing with a lot. She had a close cousin die in a car accidents 6 months before and this really affected her. Her mother was also in poor health, her brother was battling addiction, and her job was really stressful. She had a ton weighing on her and she was quite sad in general. I had noticed during the few weeks that surrounded the friend’s wedding and following party that she had grown a little colder and distant. I didn't really know how to respond, but just to try and comfort her and tell her that I love her. I figured she was going through so much that she must be overwhelmed. Her acting like this was a stark contrast from her warm, bubbly self.

 

After seeing her and Chris together at the wedding and the following party, and finding out that Chris is straight I became a little suspicious of their relationship. I saw that on Facebook they had become friends, and also noticed that she would take her iPhone with her everywhere. She used to casually just leave it in places around the house, but now she was bringing it into the bathroom with her and locking the door. She was also on it at night when we were in bed, and she would hide the screen from me if I turned to look. In the past I had never considered snooping through her Facebook, as I always trusted her, and felt it was a violation of privacy. But now my wheels were spinning, and I was starting to think that her cold demeanor was more than just detachment from her grieving and family issues.

 

I decided that I would go onto her Facebook account and just see if her and this Chris guy were exchanging messages. I know that this is a big violation, and I'm not proud of crossing that line. It was starting to eat away at me, and I just wanted reassurance that nothing was going on between them. I went to our laptop, and pulled up Facebook. Over the years she would just stay logged into Facebook, and whenever I would go to Facebook myself I would have to log her out, and log myself in. When I went to log into her Facebook it was logged out. Luckily Safari had stored her password, so I could select her password and log in as her. When I attempted this, Facebook let me know that the password was changed 7 days before, and asked if I wanted to reset it. This seemed really odd, as I don't think she had once changed her FB password in the 6 years that we had been together, as it was always logged in under her account when I went to the site.

 

Anyway, this really got the wheels to turn in my head. I went to bed and couldn't sleep much that night. Why would she all of a sudden change her password like this? The next morning when she woke up I pretended to sleep as she went to the bathroom to take a shower. After I could hear the water running I quietly broke into the bathroom, and found her iPhone. I opened the Messenger app, and saw that her and this Chris guy had been talking a LOT. I only had a few seconds to skim though the messages, but I could see that he said a number of things that I felt crossed the line. Things like "you are really cute when you're drunk". "So, when are we meeting for coffee?" Things that seemed to illustrate that they were planning a meet up, and that he was really into her.

 

I was a complete wreck after reading some of the messages, and that night confronted her about it. I didn't tell her about reading the messages at first, but indicated that it felt like we were growing apart, and had noticed her and Chris' interactions at the wedding and party, and how they became friends on Facebook, and how she seemed really cold, and was always hiding her phone, which were both really out of character for her. She told me that they were FB friends, but that nothing was going on. I asked her if she had been messaging with him, and she said that she was. I asked if I could read the messages and she got really offended. After about 30 minutes of talking about it I asked if I could read the messages again, and she said no. I said the usual, "If you aren't doing anything wrong, and have nothing to hide, then I will feel like the idiot, and you have nothing to lose". She still said no. I told her that I wanted to read the messages, or I wanted a divorce. She didn't take kindly to this, and acted betrayed that I would even bring up divorce.

 

Two days later after talking with her therapist and some friends about it, she offered to let me read the messages. I thanked her, and read through some of them with her looking over my shoulder. It seemed like she had deleted a few messages, but I can't be sure. Afterwards I thanked her, and fessed up that I had actually already scrolled through them a few days prior. This, of course, enraged her, and we fought the entire night about how I was jealous, and how I crossed a line, etc. A few moths prior a friend of ours had discovered that her husband was having an emotional affair over email, and it made my wife really upset. She was disgusted by his actions, and thought that our friend should leave him. Based off of her feelings about that situation, I was a little surprised that she was sort of sweeping our issue under the rug. I asked her if she would go to couples therapy and she said no, that the problem was with her, and that she really needed to work on her issues with coping for her cousin's death, and her family issues.

 

We sort of made up, but the next few weeks were really rough. I dropped out of school, and was worthless at work. It just consumed me. How could this sweet, perfect soulmate of mine talk to another man like this, and hide it, and seem dishonest about the whole thing? She claimed that she didn't think she crossed any lines of trust, and never once was willing to see things from my angle. She was still friends with the guy on FB, and still being secretive with her phone. Feeling really crappy about violating her trust I didn't snoop on her phone, but knew that things couldn't end well if we carried on in the current state.

 

I insisted that we go to marriage counseling, and she reluctantly agreed. We went five times over the course of the summer, and during the first therapy session it appeared as though she was really sorry, but also expressed that a lot of our problem was with me and my mistrust of her. She told me and the therapist several times that she was committed to our marriage and that she didn't have feelings for anyone but me, and that she loved me.

At one point over the summer, probably after the second or third therapy session we went to a friends concert. On the way to the concert we both agree that since it was a Thursday night, and that we had to work the next day that we would only have a beer or two. We both probably drank two beers that night, she might have had three. After our friend's set was over I turned to her and we agreed that it's time to leave. As we were walking away she said to me "actually, I just want one more drink, it's still not that late, and it'll be the last one." I agreed, and she went off to the bar to order a drink. I turn around after a few minutes, and she is at the bar, talking to Chris. Feeling really betrayed, I go up to both of them, and introduce myself to him. I say "Hi, I am ___, and we ARE MARRIED." I then looked at her with a look of disgust and stormed out. She quickly followed me out and we had an intense conversation on the ride home. I felt that she only wanted to order another drink because either 1. she’s possibly an alcoholic, and didn’t mind breaking our plan, or 2. because she saw Chris at the bar and wanted to flock to him.

 

About a week later we go to a party at my sisters house, and she flocks to this guy Michael. Michael is super good looking, and the little brother of a friend. I didn’t really feel a threat by Michael at this point, because Michael is just an awesome, noble guy who I trust completely. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, and we respect each other a lot. She was sticking by his side the whole night and following him around and dancing with him, etc. I asked another friend a few days later if he noticed (after pouring my heart out about all of the above) and he said that he did, and that it was super weird for her.

 

After bringing up the night with Michael to her she indicated that she thought that I was being too protective, and that it shouldn’t matter if she had guy friends. I was a little insulted, because over the years I never thought twice about her guy friends, and was always happy if she was working on a project with a guy, or meeting up with male high school/college friends at different events. I just felt that there was a line being crossed with Chris, and found it odd that all of a sudden she seems to make a habit of tracking down the most handsome guy at an event and would ditch me for him. She implied that it was just my overactive imagination, and also mentioned that she no longer wanted to have children, that being pregnant scared the daylights out of her, and how she wanted to travel the world more, and live life. These were all sort of new things to me. We had always talked about wanting kids, and had travelled together a bit too. Taking this into mind I decided that heck, maybe she is right, and maybe I just need to have more women friends, who are strangers to her.

 

—A few years before I worked for this company that had a cafe in the same building, and I went to the cafe pretty much everyday. I got to develop a rapport with Jackie, one of the employees there, and we would crack jokes while I ordered coffee or food. I always sort of got the vibe that Jackie maybe liked me, and was flattered, ‘cause she was really pretty, and seemed like a good person. I was also happily engaged, so didn’t make any efforts of pursuing anything more than chit chat with her. Anyway, one day I go to the cafe, and Jackie comes up to me and says that she just quit because she was moving to new york, and gave me her number because she doesn’t really do the FB thing, and that she wanted to keep in touch. I never contacted her after receiving her number until…

 

Thinking that I wanted to make some women friends, rather childishly I decided to find Jackie’s number, and started to text her. We texted back and forth over a few days, and at some point I confronted my wife about it. Like a little child I said; “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said about having guy friends, and I think you’re right. I just want you to know that I’m making friends too.” This got her really upset, and she started to say things like “it’s obvious this girl likes you, she gave you her number, why would you hide this from me?” I just sort of gave her a look like “yeah, no sh*t, welcome to the last two months of my life”. I told her that I thought we needed to take a break, that we weren’t seeing things the same way, and that we probably never would. After saying that she immediately broke down and apologized for everything that had occurred. Honestly, I felt like that was a major turning point over this whole mess, and things really started to get better. She told me that she hid the conversations with Chris because she didn’t think that I’d understand, and that talking to him was an escape from the surreal issues that she was dealing with in her family.

 

The next few months pass, and we are starting to trust one another again. We have a really good first anniversary, and she would bring up wanting kids all the time. We actually pushed for a plan to start trying for children in June of this year, after she turns 30. She also has brought up several times how bad she felt for the Chris situation, and how it was her way of coping with her family’s issues, and how I am so important to her. Things were going very well. We celebrate the holidays, and earlier this year we bought a bigger house together.

 

Which brings me to the last month or so. Two weeks ago we go to a friend’s birthday, and my wife has a lot to drink. Michael is there, and she starts to hang out with him a lot. Michael, awesome as always makes sure I’m okay, and at one point seemed like he was trying to get away from her by coming over to me, and we chatted it up for a while.

 

Last weekend we go to this little music festival/benefit in a nearby coastal town. There is alcohol, and she keeps a steady pace with it throughout the day. A few hours into the event, and she is nowhere near me. It was a little embarrassing because there were several old friends there who I hadn’t seen in ages asking, “where’s your wife, I’d really like to meet her?.” “Oh yeah, she’s around, somewhere, I’ll find you when I find her.” I found her talking it up with a really good looking guy, and not wanting to be a protective creep, just checked in with her a few times and went along my way. Once in a while she would come back to where I was and say hello, and then leave, and go hang around this guy. By the end of the night it was time to go, and I rounded her up. We were walking to my truck and she says “I really have to use the bathroom”. I say, “okay sweetie, I’ll go get the truck and pull it up front for you.” I turn back around and notice that she isn’t walking towards the bathrooms, but towards the area where her and this guy were talking. He isn’t around but I can tell she’s kind of walking around and looking for him. I grab the truck and pull up near the front, and call to her through this little fence area, and say “hey, what’s going on?”. “Oh nothing, I was just coming to meet you”.

 

It was apparent to me that she had lied about wanting to go to the bathroom, and just went back to say goodbye to the guy, who was no longer around.

 

This was last Saturday night, and while I didn’t let it ruin my night, I sort of had the realization that we’re not out of the woods yet. Either I’m too weird and jealous, or when she gets drunk she is attracted to other men. I didn’t bring it up on the car ride home because she was passed out in the passenger seat, but I did decide to sleep in our guest room, while she sprawled out on our bed that night. Early in the morning she pulled me into our room, and hugged me tightly while we both fell back asleep. On Sunday I had lots to do around the house, and decided that I would think about all of this later (this is a mechanism that therapists recommend when something is overwhelming you). I had already sort of mourned the issues around our relationship last year, and I wanted to do anything to prevent going back into that state.

 

We were pleasant to each other as always on Sunday and Monday morning and didn’t bring anything up, but yesterday she texted me while at work saying that she feels really bad about Saturday night. She thinks that she needs to cut down on alcohol, because it usually leads her to blacking out, and it’s been a big problem. Relieved that I didn’t have to be the one to bring this up, and that she was self-aware enough to, I told her that I support her 100%, and that I didn’t think I could go on like this if something doesn’t change. I also said that I think we should hold off on having children, at least while we sort this out. She told me that she loves me, and mean the world to her, and that she doesn’t want to delay having children. I believe that she does love me. I’m also kind of feeling like an idiot for committing to a new expensive mortgage with this person, especially with the events of last year in mind. I feel like she sometimes lacks self control and that having children with her would keep her in my life if she cheated on me, and/or we got a divorce.

 

The drinking has got to change. I’ve known many worse alcoholics, and I consider her drinking habits to be pretty minor league, but I do feel that drinking really does affect her unlike most other people I know. The other issue that I have is her ditching me for other guys when she is drunk. It’s not like she is ditching me to go hang out with other women, or homely men (that sounded really shallow, I’m sorry). I mostly believe that our inner most desires come out when we’re drunk. Being drunk usually makes me tell stupid jokes, and give people hugs. Does she just want to sleep with other men at the core? I am certain that in her sober state she would never cheat on me, but get a few drinks in her when me/her friends aren’t around to protect her, and I think she could end up making a mistake that could cost us our marriage.

 

So, here I am, on a message board, turning to strangers for help. I appreciate any feedback, and thank you for reading through my issues. I hope my description of my issues were coherent. I'm kind of turning into a mess typing all of this. What should I do next? I really don't want to go through another several month period of wondering what I can do to make things work and fretting over whether or not we will last forever. I went through that last year, and it was torture. I am optimistic because she was the one to bring up last saturday, and is taking ownership of her problem, but at the same time I also feel like deep down she wants nothing to do with me based off of her behavior when she is intoxicated.

[oldshirt]

A few points in no particular order -

 

- always trust your gut.

 

- Look up the term DARVO. She is doing it to the letter. In fact she is using every play out of the Cheaters Handbook.

 

- Alcohol(ism) is playing a role.

 

- Don't get pregnant. Don't bring children into this situation.

 

- don't trust her to use birth control. she may say she is using BC but really isn't.

 

- Do not even discuss getting pregnant until she is completely alcohol and drug free.

 

- Never feel bad about looking into her computer, phone, emails etc etc. It's called "probably cause" and you have a lot of it.

 

- never come out and ask if she is cheating or trying to hook up with someone else. She will just say no and then go deeper underground.

 

- you have probably cause to suspect she is, has been or will cheat in the future. Intensify your search. Install keyloggers on her computers. Get some voice activated recorders (VAR) and place in her car (cheaters often talk to their AP in the car) and areas around the house where she may have private conversations. Place a GPS tracker on her phone or in her car and monitor her travels.

 

- Never ask a question you don't already know the answer too.

 

- If she does turn up pregnant unexpectedly, get a paternity test.

 

- if she suddenly gets super horny and wants to do it 5 times a day for awhile and then turns up pregnant, it is likely the other guys baby and she screwed you like a wild woman for awhile so you will think it is yours.

 

- Don't be afraid to kick some guys ass or get in his face and tell him to get away from your wife if he is making time with her or contacting her inappropriately.

 

- You're actually being too passive and "nice" here. You have the right to expect appropriate behavior from someone who made vows to honor, respect and be faithful to you. And you have the right to hold her accountable for her bad behavior and to not accept unacceptable behavior.

 

- even if she has not actually had sex with someone, her disrespect and disregard for you is frightful. With that level of disrespect, even if she hasn't cheated yet, it is only a matter of time before she does.

 

- start reading some of the stories in the infidelity section here on the forums. you will see that her pattern of behavior is textbook cheater behavior and that your pattern of passivity, reluctance to confront her disrespectful behavior and your relunctance to search for evidence and your willingness to accept her stories and excuses are textbook for men who get cheated on. You both fit the profiles to a "T."

 

- Never threaten divorce or separation etc unless you are ready, willing and able to actually carry it out.

 

- and then when she does cross the line - actually do it.

 

- she will not change her bad behavior as long as you support it (which you have been with a cherry on top)

 

- she will not stop her bad behavior until she experiences serious consequences for her actions.

[standtall]

Dude..you are 100% right to suspect something is going on. She has crossed the line several times...particularly with the Chris guy. Your snooping is a not nearly the betrayal of trust that she has committed.

 

You have a couple of problems.

 

1. Her deceiving you....easy

2. Her drinking....tougher

 

Deceiving you and maintaining relationships with single, former crushes/boyfriend is very inappropriate. This is very disrespectful of her towards you, and I would not tolerate it for another second...but I'm more old school. IMHO, married men and women are asking for trouble if they hang out with members of the opposite sex without their spouse unless their family members. With that said, if you don't fix this now, at best you will be her doormat for the rest of your marriage, and at worst, you will be sharing your wife sexually and emotionally with these other men. Put your foot down, it stops or you divorce.... and mean it.

 

The drinking is a lot tougher. It sounds as if you both have a lifestyle and circle of friends that drink socially at the minimum. You really can't expect her to stop drinking...or control it...alone. You're going to have to stop or curtail it as well which means major....major social and lifestyle changes. Decisions decisions.

[Mr. Lucky]

The drinking has got to change. I’ve known many worse alcoholics, and I consider her drinking habits to be pretty minor league, but I do feel that drinking really does affect her unlike most other people I know. The other issue that I have is her ditching me for other guys when she is drunk. It’s not like she is ditching me to go hang out with other women, or homely men (that sounded really shallow, I’m sorry). I mostly believe that our inner most desires come out when we’re drunk. Being drunk usually makes me tell stupid jokes, and give people hugs. Does she just want to sleep with other men at the core? I am certain that in her sober state she would never cheat on me, but get a few drinks in her when me/her friends aren’t around to protect her, and I think she could end up making a mistake that could cost us our marriage.

 

All roads lead back to here. Someone who gets drunk on a regular basis has a problem with alcohol that goes beyond social drinking. Until she gets a handle on that, impossible to address the associated behaviors.

 

Beyond that, there seems a desparate need for validation through attention from other men. As with most couples, my wife and I go to parties and concerts to enjoy each other's company within that setting. It's an activity we do together, not a scavenger hunt for contact with the opposite sex. Something very broken there that needs to be fixed.

 

I can't tell you if the hard work necessary to get your marriage back on track is worth it, that's a personal decision. I do agree with oldshirt's advice not to complicate your situation with children, you've got a long ways to go.

 

Keep posting, some tough decisions to make...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

A few points in no particular order -

 

- always trust your gut.

 

- Look up the term DARVO. She is doing it to the letter. In fact she is using every play out of the Cheaters Handbook.

 

- Alcohol(ism) is playing a role.

 

- Don't get pregnant. Don't bring children into this situation.

 

- don't trust her to use birth control. she may say she is using BC but really isn't.

 

- Do not even discuss getting pregnant until she is completely alcohol and drug free.

 

- Never feel bad about looking into her computer, phone, emails etc etc. It's called "probably cause" and you have a lot of it.

 

- never come out and ask if she is cheating or trying to hook up with someone else. She will just say no and then go deeper underground.

 

- you have probably cause to suspect she is, has been or will cheat in the future. Intensify your search. Install keyloggers on her computers. Get some voice activated recorders (VAR) and place in her car (cheaters often talk to their AP in the car) and areas around the house where she may have private conversations. Place a GPS tracker on her phone or in her car and monitor her travels.

 

- Never ask a question you don't already know the answer too.

 

- If she does turn up pregnant unexpectedly, get a paternity test.

 

- if she suddenly gets super horny and wants to do it 5 times a day for awhile and then turns up pregnant, it is likely the other guys baby and she screwed you like a wild woman for awhile so you will think it is yours.

 

- Don't be afraid to kick some guys ass or get in his face and tell him to get away from your wife if he is making time with her or contacting her inappropriately.

 

- You're actually being too passive and "nice" here. You have the right to expect appropriate behavior from someone who made vows to honor, respect and be faithful to you. And you have the right to hold her accountable for her bad behavior and to not accept unacceptable behavior.

 

- even if she has not actually had sex with someone, her disrespect and disregard for you is frightful. With that level of disrespect, even if she hasn't cheated yet, it is only a matter of time before she does.

 

- start reading some of the stories in the infidelity section here on the forums. you will see that her pattern of behavior is textbook cheater behavior and that your pattern of passivity, reluctance to confront her disrespectful behavior and your relunctance to search for evidence and your willingness to accept her stories and excuses are textbook for men who get cheated on. You both fit the profiles to a "T."

 

- Never threaten divorce or separation etc unless you are ready, willing and able to actually carry it out.

 

- and then when she does cross the line - actually do it.

 

- she will not change her bad behavior as long as you support it (which you have been with a cherry on top)

 

- she will not stop her bad behavior until she experiences serious consequences for her actions.

 

All true but from what you wrote she is too much work.

 

 

You not ready to throw in the towel then she has to go IC and AA and give up alcohol for life. You will have to go dry as well for you can't be drinking in front of her either.

 

 

She won't commit to IC and AA then tell her "asta la get lost baby".

[frankstower]

Eek. Thanks for the insight everyone. It's a lot to think about. We went on a long walk last night and discussed the issue. She wants to stop drinking on weeknights, and only wants to drink lightly when going to social events. She has offered to be DD for a while because she is really good about controlling her drinking when she knows she has to drive or work the next day. I believe her when she tells me that she would never cheat on me, but I still worry that if she were to slip and start blacking out again that anything is possible, or could put herself in a situation where she gets sexually assaulted.

This is the woman who is otherwise perfect for me, and I did make a vow almost two years ago to work through the tough stuff, so I want to fight through this. At the same time I sort of feel like she got her one chance last year. I don't want to have everything be good for another year and then to have her start slipping again. One thing that is promising is that she brought the recent events to the surface, and I didn't have to. She is taking ownership, which is different than last time. I think we should delay children for at least a year. Maybe two. Heck, I don't know.

[Mr. Lucky]

She wants to stop drinking on weeknights, and only wants to drink lightly when going to social events. She has offered to be DD for a while because she is really good about controlling her drinking when she knows she has to drive or work the next day. I believe her when she tells me that she would never cheat on me, but I still worry that if she were to slip and start blacking out again that anything is possible, or could put herself in a situation where she gets sexually assaulted.

 

Ask any recovering addict or alcoholic how well "only indulging on the weekends" works? Guess you'll take comfort in the notion she'll only abandon you for the attention of other men on Saturday and Sunday.

 

Why would you not reject this idea out of hand when it came up ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[frankstower]

Hmmmm. Good point.

[NTV]

What would you tell your best friend to do in this situation?

[Mr. Lucky]

She has offered to be DD for a while because she is really good about controlling her drinking when she knows she has to drive or work the next day.

 

Don't know if you've ever been around a dry drunk, but the same behaviors persist that cause alcohol to be identified as the problem. You're focused on "how", at some point you'll need to address "why" ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wmacbride]

Whatever you do, please don;t get her pregnant unless she is able to be completely clean and sober. Even if she stops her current "flirty" behavior, if alcohol or drug use is a factor in her life, the she has zero business getting pregnant.

 

The potential long term effects on a child who's mother gets intoxicated can be terrible. Don't allow her to open the door to that situation.

[JoeSmith357-1]

After this many guys in such a short amount of time, I would divorce her.

 

I have dealt with this sort of thing personally, going through it still. And it was with one guy. Not a series of different guys. That's the thing that gets me, she's doing it repeatedly, with no concern for your feelings...

 

And for the record, being part italian does not excuse someone from being an alcoholic.

[frankstower]

I appreciate the feedback everyone. It's really tough to wrap my mind around. I love the rest of her so much. She is such an intelligent, thoughtful, caring and compassionate person. She has been really remorseful since she brought it up on Monday, and I believe that she wants to change for the better. Last year she pulled the "you're crazy, and jealous" card, but this time she recognized it on her own. I can't imagine being with anyone else, but I also knew before I met her that I never thought I'd find someone as great as her, so I know that anything is possible. I know that I feel like complete **** when she runs off with another man for an event, and if I did the same and ran off with women that neither of us knew (who were super attractive, or whatever) that she would be upset. I am also upset about her lying. Her saying that she needed to go to the bathroom when clearly she didn't makes me feel like it will be a long time before I fully trust her. I know that if I lied in a similar situation she would lose trust in me, too.

 

The fact that she is now recognizing the issue is promising, but the fact that she does it in the first place is worrisome.

 

This isn't easy. Part of me wants to help her through this. The other part thinks that it's possible that this could happen again. If it were to happen again, then I would hand her divorce papers the next day and have her sign them mid hangover.

 

To the question about what I would tell my best friend: I don't really know. The friend that I mentioned earlier who's husband had an emotional affair I sided with, and thought that she should leave him. I don't know all of the fine details like she did though, and respect her decision to fight for the marriage to work.

 

Definitely no children are coming anytime soon. It's going to be awkward coming up with excuses to our friends, who we have already told that we were planning on starting a family in the near future, but even worse would be potential custody battles, and everything else that could come with children, and being married to a cheating alcoholic.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's going to be awkward coming up with excuses to our friends, who we have already told that we were planning on starting a family in the near future, but even worse would be potential custody battles, and everything else that could come with children, and being married to a cheating alcoholic.

 

I'm very pro-marriage, would never tell you to cut and run. If you love her, stand by her. And even more compelling, she needs your help.

 

Just be realistic about the problems you're facing and have some healthy boundaries in place. Can tell you from experience, you can't save someone else.

 

Really, the ball's in her court. You can support and encourage (if you decide to), the rest is up to her...

 

Mr. Lucky