Online dating is so depressing

[ZA Dater]

I'm not saying I'm not interested just that I'm not sure how attracted to her I am. Of course the perfect situation won't just fall into my lap. It takes time to meet someone that someone wants to be with. But at the same time it still makes me wonder if it's so difficult how are so many people together. It just almost feels like everything falls into place for everyone else while I'm the outsider looking in where nothing good ever happens to.[/QUOTE]

 

Hence my suggestion, take a sabbatical from dating, decide if its really worth it, re-evaluation yourself and come back to dating with a fresh rested mind.

 

 

Meet this lady and see how it goes. The fact you have people interested is a step up from some of us!

[NJ123]

I'm not saying I'm not interested just that I'm not sure how attracted to her I am. Of course the perfect situation won't just fall into my lap. It takes time to meet someone that someone wants to be with. But at the same time it still makes me wonder if it's so difficult how are so many people together. It just almost feels like everything falls into place for everyone else while I'm the outsider looking in where nothing good ever happens to.[/QUOTE]

 

Hence my suggestion, take a sabbatical from dating, decide if its really worth it, re-evaluation yourself and come back to dating with a fresh rested mind.

 

 

Meet this lady and see how it goes. The fact you have people interested is a step up from some of us!

 

I suppose, but I keep worrying if I don't even try than nothing will ever happen. I mean I seriously don't want to wake up & be in my 40s & have no experience at all. And time goes by extremely fast that by the time I know it I will be 40. I feel like I'm not well enough to date, but if I don't even try even with my circumstances nothing will happen if I wait. Basically I'm in a no win situation here.

[NJ123]

This isn't directed at you but really it seems the perfect situation happens to most people at least once by the age of 30. This "oh compromise" is for me not really helpful, how many people actually have to compromise to find the "perfect situation", cant say I have met any but it seems those who battle need to compromise when their dating pool is already small.

 

I'm wondering what she exactly meant by compromising as well.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Better looking don't need OLD to begin with.

 

Better looking than what?

 

So many people are on OLD now a days regardless of how great or "bad" they look. It is how most people meet these days looking to date, it is ubiquitous.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Thanks. I'm still talking with that woman from last night. I don't know what will happen but she seems interested. The only thing is I'm not sure how attracted to her I am. I don't think she's unattractive at all just I don't know if I find her attractive enough in terms of wanting a relationship with her. I know that sounds really shallow but looks are as important to me as personality/chemistry would be. I suppose I would have to meet her to see.

 

nothing shallow about that, romance starts through the eyes, you must be attracted to them for more to happen otherwise you are just looking for good friends.

 

 

Also something I noticed is when someone views my profile more than once than they likely have interest. The one woman looked at my profile twice than sent me a message first & I found her attractive just she lived like 5 states away from me & has kids. I don't know where she came across my profile. And the woman I'm talking to now did the same & she didn't even have my age range in her requirements. I'm a few years younger than the age range she put. But I think that's a hint for anyone that's on OLD is if she looks at your profile more than once send her a message if you think you would like her. I think it's one of their ways of showing interest without messaging you first.

 

Definitely true! I don't send guy emails but I will look at their profiles several times to let them know I am interested. Basically what I would do at a bar, make sure to make eye contact and eventually smile if he keeps looking back.

[NJ123]

nothing shallow about that, romance starts through the eyes, you must be attracted to them for more to happen otherwise you are just looking for good friends.

 

 

 

 

Definitely true! I don't send guy emails but I will look at their profiles several times to let them know I am interested. Basically what I would do at a bar, make sure to make eye contact and eventually smile if he keeps looking back.

 

Yeah, true. I possibly might be going on a date with this woman. We're still talking through text yet though since she wants to know more about me but she seems to be pretty interested as far as I can tell. I'll see what happens.

 

And yeah, that's pretty much the sign to look out for. Is if she looks at your profile 2 or more times within a short period of time than that would indicate to me they have interest.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Sweet! Good luck. I hope it works out.

[NJ123]

Sweet! Good luck. I hope it works out.

 

It's weird how I keep thinking she's lost interest than she replies again lol. She usually takes around an hour or so to reply each time. I'm used to someone replying quicker. I don't want to overthink things but not sure if that means anything in terms of her interest level. I should probably ask for her number soon but I don't want to ask too soon than she'll get turned off. I've done that before & than they just completely stopped talking to me I guess thinking it was too quick.

[AMJ]

I'm wondering what she exactly meant by compromising as well.

 

It just seems that you're not willing to do a whole lot to improve your situation is all. From reading your other posts. And sure, some things are easier to change than others. Medical issues, not much you can do about those. Financial issues, will take time to really improve. But the getting dates part is actually not that difficult if you're willing to listen to advice and change the things you are doing wrong.

 

For example, are you still only willing to meet women within 5 miles of your house? Are you comfortable driving longer distances? That will be a problem for you, guaranteed. In your dating life and everything else. There's really not much point to even try to date until you can resolve that one. I don't think you will find a woman who wishes to either- never leave your house, or drive you around all the time.

 

And saying- online dating is so depressing because no one responds to you, but then the first woman who actually DOES respond is possibly not attractive enough to you...no offense but if you don't have many options to choose from, you really can't afford to be so picky.

 

You can do things to change that- meaning, do things to get more options, in which case you CAN afford to be so picky. But everyone keeps giving you that advice and you seem to not want to hear it.

[ZA Dater]

It just seems that you're not willing to do a whole lot to improve your situation is all. From reading your other posts. And sure, some things are easier to change than others. Medical issues, not much you can do about those. Financial issues, will take time to really improve. But the getting dates part is actually not that difficult if you're willing to listen to advice and change the things you are doing wrong.

 

For example, are you still only willing to meet women within 5 miles of your house? Are you comfortable driving longer distances? That will be a problem for you, guaranteed. In your dating life and everything else. There's really not much point to even try to date until you can resolve that one. I don't think you will find a woman who wishes to either- never leave your house, or drive you around all the time.

 

And saying- online dating is so depressing because no one responds to you, but then the first woman who actually DOES respond is possibly not attractive enough to you...no offense but if you don't have many options to choose from, you really can't afford to be so picky.

 

You can do things to change that- meaning, do things to get more options, in which case you CAN afford to be so picky. But everyone keeps giving you that advice and you seem to not want to hear it.

 

Really? Now this is interesting, once again its back to "few options just take any option who shows interest".

 

I for one am interested to know what "things" people must do to get more "options".

[NJ123]

It just seems that you're not willing to do a whole lot to improve your situation is all. From reading your other posts. And sure, some things are easier to change than others. Medical issues, not much you can do about those. Financial issues, will take time to really improve. But the getting dates part is actually not that difficult if you're willing to listen to advice and change the things you are doing wrong.

 

For example, are you still only willing to meet women within 5 miles of your house? Are you comfortable driving longer distances? That will be a problem for you, guaranteed. In your dating life and everything else. There's really not much point to even try to date until you can resolve that one. I don't think you will find a woman who wishes to either- never leave your house, or drive you around all the time.

 

And saying- online dating is so depressing because no one responds to you, but then the first woman who actually DOES respond is possibly not attractive enough to you...no offense but if you don't have many options to choose from, you really can't afford to be so picky.

 

You can do things to change that- meaning, do things to get more options, in which case you CAN afford to be so picky. But everyone keeps giving you that advice and you seem to not want to hear it.

 

Well, it doesn't matter anymore with that woman since she it seems she lost interest. The more I told her about myself the less interested it seems she is in terms of her responses being really short & taking longer & longer to reply back to me.

 

And I'm not settling for someone I'm not into. That's the worst thing you can tell someone is to not be picky & choose from people you have little to no interest in. What's the point in that? I'd rather be alone than to be with someone I have no interest in. And I was attracted to her, but I feel I probably would have had to meet her to see if I was attracted to her enough since I wasn't sure by her pictures.

[NJ123]

Really? Now this is interesting, once again its back to "few options just take any option who shows interest".

 

I for one am interested to know what "things" people must do to get more "options".

 

That was pretty insulting of her to say to be honest. Pretty much telling me to be with someone I have no interest in. Yeah, that would work out really well.

[AMJ]

That was pretty insulting of her to say to be honest. Pretty much telling me to be with someone I have no interest in. Yeah, that would work out really well.

 

Definitely said that the most tactful way possible, and did not mean to be insulting...but you are here for constructive feedback right? Which means people give you advice about things you need to do differently or change?

 

Or are you just here to complain and find others to commiserate with, get sympathy? That's totally fine too, I just won't bother responding to any more of your threads.

 

Think of it like this- if you were unemployed, and couldn't find a job, people would give you advice about things you could do to improve your situation. Get some training- go to school. Take a lower paying job, any job, just to get experience.

Find ways to spruce up your resume by playing up your best attributes.

 

Dating is pretty similar. We're all trying to find ways to attract and keep someone we want a relationship with.

[NJ123]

Definitely said that the most tactful way possible, and did not mean to be insulting...but you are here for constructive feedback right? Which means people give you advice about things you need to do differently or change?

 

Or are you just here to complain and find others to commiserate with, get sympathy? That's totally fine too, I just won't bother responding to any more of your threads.

 

Think of it like this- if you were unemployed, and couldn't find a job, people would give you advice about things you could do to improve your situation. Get some training- go to school. Take a lower paying job, any job, just to get experience.

Find ways to spruce up your resume by playing up your best attributes.

 

Dating is pretty similar. We're all trying to find ways to attract and keep someone we want a relationship with.

 

So what you're saying is that I have to take what I can get in terms of dating no matter whether I find them attractive or not to get experience in order to eventually get with someone I do want?

[AMJ]

So what you're saying is that I have to take what I can get in terms of dating no matter whether I find them attractive or not to get experience in order to eventually get with someone I do want?

 

So you must have found her remotely attractive- or else why were you even talking to her in the first place?

 

So no, not saying you should go out with someone hideous that you can't stand. Just saying, if your goal in life is to end up with someone gorgeous, and you have zero experience at this point, you will likely need to start by dating someone who has your level of experience and is less than gorgeous. Do I need to elaborate as to why?

[NJ123]

So you must have found her remotely attractive- or else why were you even talking to her in the first place?

 

So no, not saying you should go out with someone hideous that you can't stand. Just saying, if your goal in life is to end up with someone gorgeous, and you have zero experience at this point, you will likely need to start by dating someone who has your level of experience and is less than gorgeous. Do I need to elaborate as to why?

 

Yeah, absoultely there was some attraction just as I said I was unsure how much attraction. I would need to meet her in person to see, but I have no idea what her interest level is at currently. I'll see if she responds to my message in the morning.

 

And I get what you're saying but the thing is I would never settle for someone I'm not really attracted to. And all I would need is for her to be gorgeous to me personally since looks are subjective. There's some women that I've probably found gorgeous that others would think are average possibly. She doesn't have to look like a model or something where some guys would even hit on her while I'm around.

[ZA Dater]

So you must have found her remotely attractive- or else why were you even talking to her in the first place?

 

So no, not saying you should go out with someone hideous that you can't stand. Just saying, if your goal in life is to end up with someone gorgeous, and you have zero experience at this point, you will likely need to start by dating someone who has your level of experience and is less than gorgeous. Do I need to elaborate as to why?

 

Please do.

 

I'd also be interested to know where inexperienced people find other inexperienced people.

 

In other words "you need to date someone you don't like in order to use them to gain experience".

 

In other words "sorry for you, nobody nice is interested in inexperienced guys".

 

Kudos for your honest posts, I am being serious here because all too often I read "oh inexperience doesn't matter".

[LookAtThisPOst]

I just wonder what these people are even looking for. I see so many of the same familiar faces on there as well from last time I've been on there. I should probably just stick with Tinder & Bumble at this stage. It just makes me wonder how there's so many couples together when it feels so hard to even get a woman interested in the first place.

 

I agree man, I took a long break from online dating. POF for instance, but I came back to just browse without being a registered member...still the same faces of all the women who ignored me STILL on there years later.

 

I live in a small area where some towns are spread out from 30 mins to an hour from each other. I recall this one mid-40s woman, she was a horse farm owner/trainer...never married no kids, totally ideal for from what she wrote the specifics of her value system were spot on with mines.

 

She said she ONLY dated within the same city...won't even consider the next town over.

 

There was another woman I recall emailing probably on more than one occasion...emails were sent within several months of each other...still no answer...and yet she remains a permanent fixture / spinster of the site.

 

You'd kind of figure with the small communities of an area that consists of mostly retirees and rednecks...they'd at least be willing to do a meet n greet, yes?

 

Personally, they should just relocate if they've been on the site that long. lol It's like you have to be their Mr. Perfect BEFORE they meet you. That little skeleton of a woman on a park bench meme just makes it funnier.

[MidwestUSA]

I live in a small area where some towns are spread out from 30 mins to an hour from each other. I recall this one mid-40s woman, she was a horse farm owner/trainer...never married no kids, totally ideal for from what she wrote the specifics of her value system were spot on with mines.

 

She said she ONLY dated within the same city...won't even consider the next town over.

 

 

Your values may have aligned, but do you share her passion? Do you know what's involved in a horse hobby?

 

IIRC, she was drop dead gorgeous, and probably can afford to wait for someone who is exactly her match. It's everyone's right to turn you down, or even ignore you.

 

If it's so depressing looking, just stop!

 

As for relocating, how many times have you been told that maybe you should consider it?

[ZA Dater]

Your values may have aligned, but do you share her passion? Do you know what's involved in a horse hobby?

 

IIRC, she was drop dead gorgeous, and probably can afford to wait for someone who is exactly her match. It's everyone's right to turn you down, or even ignore you.

 

If it's so depressing looking, just stop!

 

As for relocating, how many times have you been told that maybe you should consider it?

 

I agree. Let those who enjoy success enjoy and if you aren't one of those well I am sure there are millions who will tell you "aw shame there are millions of wish in the sea" or such patronizing nonsense.

 

I'll always maintain nobody can identify with a perpetually unsuccessful person unless they have walked a mile in those shoes.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Your values may have aligned, but do you share her passion? Do you know what's involved in a horse hobby?

 

IIRC, she was drop dead gorgeous, and probably can afford to wait for someone who is exactly her match. It's everyone's right to turn you down, or even ignore you.

 

If it's so depressing looking, just stop!

 

As for relocating, how many times have you been told that maybe you should consider it?

 

How do you know she was "drop dead gorgeous"? You don't know that.

 

I offered to be the one to drive to see so she can tend to her horse farm/training. We don't have to be into the same things either and she didn't ask for it in her profile. I know couples that don't share hobbies and they are happy. I would support her passion as I have my own.

 

Can't relocate. I very much invested in my employer to relocate for better dating options (priorities) and thus my willingness to drive to see her.

 

Anyways, she was just an example gave that pretty much represents the same faces I've always been seeing. I've deleted my profiles recently and had been attending a real life singles club since there's no ignore or delete key in real life. lol

 

But my REAL point I was driving at is what's funny is, this organizer spoke of a couple that met in her group where the woman actually said that the guy she wound up with now...no joke, she said she WOULD have ignored him had he contacted her on a dating site.

 

But with the use of real life interaction, she fell for him.

 

That's a case, and a few other similar ones I've heard of...that proves how easily someone will dismiss someone online so easily, but in person, the opposite would be the case.

 

THAT'S another thing about online dating, people who would normally have gone out with me had I ever met in person, would have ignored me online.

[angel.eyes]

How do you know she was "drop dead gorgeous"? You don't know that.

 

I offered to be the one to drive to see so she can tend to her horse farm/training. We don't have to be into the same things either and she didn't ask for it in her profile. I know couples that don't share hobbies and they are happy. I would support her passion as I have my own.

 

Can't relocate. I very much invested in my employer to relocate for better dating options (priorities) and thus my willingness to drive to see her.

She doesn't want to date you. Clearly these women would rather be single than hazard a date with you. Such is life. Move on! You do yourself no favors when you bash them repeatedly for not being interested in you.

 

But my REAL point I was driving at is what's funny is, this organizer spoke of a couple that met in her group where the woman actually said that the guy she wound up with now...no joke, she said she WOULD have ignored him had he contacted her on a dating site.

Of course the organizer would say something like that! She's a businesswoman trying to get new subscribers to bite. (I assume joining her group is not free, right?) Her biggest competitor is going to be OLD since that's where most people meet. So, of course she bashes it. Does she have pictures of the happy couple? Testimonials? Her success rate is one couple out of how many people over what time period?

 

It reminds me of one woman who runs a very successful speed-dating service in my area. One of her lines in trying to convince me to try it, was she met her husband that way. So, I asked her when she met him. It was twelve years into running the service. (She had been single the whole time, which is how she first became interested in speed dating.) She puts on 15+ events each month, each with 100+ attendees. So, conservatively speaking that was 108,000 encounters with men over a twelve-year period to get to someone she was compatible with. For her, it was free. For the average customer, it's $40 to attend just one of her events (and that includes a discount).

 

I highly doubt this group you speak of will be the paradise of dating that you anticipate.

 

 

...proves how easily someone will dismiss someone online so easily, but in person, the opposite would be the case.

 

THAT'S another thing about online dating, people who would normally have gone out with me had I ever met in person, would have ignored me online.

You generally have more information online. It's easier to tell basic incompatibility upfront. If you meet the person via cold approach or live event, it takes a date or two to discover the same information. The outcome is the same. You aren't getting beyond a date or two. It just takes slightly longer to get the info needed to make that same decision.

[LookAtThisPOst]

She doesn't want to date you. Clearly these women would rather be single than hazard a date with you. Such is life. Move on! You do yourself no favors when you bash them repeatedly for not being interested in you.

 

 

Of course the organizer would say something like that! She's a businesswoman trying to get new subscribers to bite. (I assume joining her group is not free, right?) Her biggest competitor is going to be OLD since that's where most people meet. So, of course she bashes it. Does she have pictures of the happy couple? Testimonials? Her success rate is one couple out of how many people over what time period?

 

It reminds me of one woman who runs a very successful speed-dating service in my area. One of her lines in trying to convince me to try it, was she met her husband that way. So, I asked her when she met him. It was twelve years into running the service. (She had been single the whole time, which is how she first became interested in speed dating.) She puts on 15+ events each month, each with 100+ attendees. So, conservatively speaking that was 108,000 encounters with men over a twelve-year period to get to someone she was compatible with. For her, it was free. For the average customer, it's $40 to attend just one of her events (and that includes a discount).

 

I highly doubt this group you speak of will be the paradise of dating that you anticipate.

 

 

 

You generally have more information online. It's easier to tell basic incompatibility upfront. If you meet the person via cold approach or live event, it takes a date or two to discover the same information. The outcome is the same. You aren't getting beyond a date or two. It just takes slightly longer to get the info needed to make that same decision.

=====

 

Of course the organizer would say something like that! She's a businesswoman trying to get new subscribers to bite. (I assume joining her group is not free, right?) Her biggest competitor is going to be OLD since that's where most people meet. So, of course she bashes it. Does she have pictures of the happy couple? Testimonials? Her success rate is one couple out of how many people over what time period?

 

Yep, the testimonial was given by the actual couple in a local magazine, a quote straight from them. I was just giving one example of many that I heard...so just because I gave ONE on here...doesn't mean it hasn't happened elsewhere.

 

I mean, I could list a ton on here if I wanted. I heard of a man on POF that said he had emailed a woman on their, was ignore, and bumped in her in person and approached her cold turkey at some downtown event. He didn't say anything about the site at first...he got into like date 3 or 4 and then mentioned that he actually saw her on POF.

 

She was like *mind blown*, "I could I have missed you? Had I known you were a great guy that I met, I wouldn't have ignored you online!"

 

You see where I'm getting at here? It's time to back to the old-fashioned way of meeting people. Online dating was good in its heyday as an option, in fact, it was stigma in the early 2000s. Now I consider it a crutch...a catalogue to thumb through, going, "nope, nope, nope nope..."

 

I guess that's how Tinder was born (never used it, don't plan on it.)

 

You cannot by any means equate online dating to real life encounters in social circles. I recall, before internet dating that people would often meet "through friends" meaning through social circles.

 

Now, emails become farts in the wind, while people going out and meeting in person are out from behind their computer screens , taking in all the senses, body languages, tones, mannerisms...something that's absent from the online world.

[ZA Dater]

She doesn't want to date you. Clearly these women would rather be single than hazard a date with you. Such is life. Move on! You do yourself no favors when you bash them repeatedly for not being interested in you.

 

I agree with you completely here but I think its good to vent sometimes, sure its not fair on the people concerned. Nothing is really achieved but I get where he is coming from, this cycle of no hope just breeds contempt, bitterness and cynicism.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I agree with you completely here but I think its good to vent sometimes, sure its not fair on the people concerned. Nothing is really achieved but I get where he is coming from, this cycle of no hope just breeds contempt, bitterness and cynicism.

 

Yeah, it was funny, because she said in her opening paragraph...and I've seen this on several others...announcing.

 

"Back here to try this again and see what happens..." and I'm thinking,

 

"Why'd you come back? What makes you think it'll be any better? Unless, of course, you plan on getting repeat emails from the same men that have been on here as long as you, yes? or no?"