Online dating is so depressing

[AMJ]

Instead of looking at a list of obstacles in your way, just focus on one of those at a time.

So, get moving on getting back to school to finish your BA.

A woman might be more understanding of your situation when you can demonstrate that you are actively taking steps to change things. You can find someone compassionate who will understand that you'll need a few years to get on your feet. But the longer you do nothing to improve your situation just hurts you.

 

It's more attractive to say- yes I'm living at home because I'm finishing my degree and etc.,

than the opposite. That shows that you are a problem solver and can take care of yourself. Good qualities that women look for in a man.

[JuneJulySeptember]

You're using extreme examples, but there are probably a lot of instances in which an OLD profile doesn't tell the whole story, as has been discussed in earlier posts. OLD, while a great tool to get introduced to people, doesn't really let them know the "real" you until you meet, and then there's a lot of slack to be cut and perceptions to be shattered. Lots of people can't really convey positive things about themselves through a profile. And plenty of woman wouldn't know how tall 5'10" is you had them guess, or what the average salary is for whatever you do. I'm not saying you're wrong, but there is a lot of gray area here.

 

How is going from a 5'10" white dude to a 5'6" Indian dude an extreme example?

 

My point is that if they have rigid requirements on their preferences, so will they in real life.

 

There's women on Match.com that have a lot of 'no preference' on their stats. They are the ones likely to be more forgiving in real life.

 

Or perhaps you mean that guys who meet all of the basic requirements and have decent profiles still get rejected in OLD because women have so many options that it's like submitting resumes to a job.

Edited September 16, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[NJ123]

Instead of looking at a list of obstacles in your way, just focus on one of those at a time.

So, get moving on getting back to school to finish your BA.

A woman might be more understanding of your situation when you can demonstrate that you are actively taking steps to change things. You can find someone compassionate who will understand that you'll need a few years to get on your feet. But the longer you do nothing to improve your situation just hurts you.

 

It's more attractive to say- yes I'm living at home because I'm finishing my degree and etc.,

than the opposite. That shows that you are a problem solver and can take care of yourself. Good qualities that women look for in a man.

 

Yeah, I guess that's fair. I'm just trying to figure out what I'd want to take up though. I just never could figure out what I'd want to do.

 

Also, have you ever taken online college classes? I was wondering how they were since I was considering it just I need to figure out what my major would be though.

[AMJ]

Just pick whatever subject you do best in so you can graduate with the least amount of stress and effort- seriously it hardly matters what your major is these days. I never took online classes, but my friend finished her BA online while working as a night shift nurse and being a single mom to a toddler so if she can do it....

[fmfan08]

Wondering the same. I'm 24 and whilst people can say that's still quite young, I see everyone walking into relationships yet I struggle to get a girl to give me a chance. I get told I'm good looking, but I'd honestly sacrifice that for happiness. Every time I date a girl, I get the same old "this isn't working out, no connection, blah blah". Latest girl who did that was very keen on me, but I worried acting keen would put her off and it worked against me. My head is a mess and what should be a simple thing to get into just feels complicated to me.

[AMJ]

 

The women in real life who cut guys slack are the same guys who cut guys slack in OLD.

 

So true! I am one of these women and I regret it every SINGLE time.

[NJ123]

Just pick whatever subject you do best in so you can graduate with the least amount of stress and effort- seriously it hardly matters what your major is these days. I never took online classes, but my friend finished her BA online while working as a night shift nurse and being a single mom to a toddler so if she can do it....

 

What do you mean it hardly matters what my major is? I don't want to take up something that I'm not even going to like. If you mean in terms of still being qualified for jobs that aren't in my major area I don't know how true that is. For example a guy who took up criminal justice as a major for instance likely won't be getting an accounting job.

 

How did she like the online classes? I'm considering going that route since I hate sitting in a classroom for 3 hours. I'd be more at ease in my house while I learn. But did she like it more or less than classroom setting?

[Stercrazy]

In your 30s?

1. Have a steady job that allows you to live comfortably

2. Live on your own somewhere or possibly with roommates

3. Be ready to start a life with someone else

4. Be a grown up and take care of basic life functions, have your life together

And the majority of women will want marriage and kids at some point (but not all!)

 

And then, just like anything else, every woman is different and has different qualities and values they are searching for. There's not a blanket list of attributes we need.

 

This needs to be lyrics to a song.......word!

[Buddhist]

I just want 100% honest answers & not some fake politically correct answer that a lot of people give.

 

Well I can only say what my requirements are...

 

Useful - making use of skills and talents. I don't care doing what as long as it's not illegal and he's happy doing it. I don't care what he earns either, what I care about is he's not sitting about whinging about his life.

 

Considerate - can't stress this enough. So many men I have met are just pigheaded and totally selfish. They want everything they're own way and no expectations upon them. Next.

 

Good in bed - yep sorry but if he can't get me off or at least be open to being shown how then we're not going to gel. Sex is important to me, I don't expect a tantric master or anything. But someone who also enjoys sex and is willing to try stuff.

 

Attractive - to me. No different than any guy out there expecting the same. I work on my body I expect the similar. If he's got a pot belly, we are not a match. I don't have one. Similar level of facial attractiveness and I could care less about his height since I am short it's pretty darn hard to find a guy shorter than me.

 

Fashion sense - usual blokey, can't co-ordinate shoes and shirt, obvious he doesn't care what he looks like etc, need not apply.

 

Stuffs in common - goes without saying.

 

There you have it. The definitive list of this woman's wants.

 

Honest advice - if you're not getting any takers you need to improve something or lower standards. That applies to everyone on the planet.

[Space Ritual]

Try being yourself instead of attempting to conform to some cookie cutter list of requirements.

 

I do very well dating wise. I am almost 52 years old and I usually date and/ or have casual encounters with women 20 years my junior, sometimes even younger. Simply by being myself.

 

I don't have every single thing that some women would want, but I make no pretense about trying to be someone I'm not. In my experience, being myself has yielded much better results than trying to impress someone else.

 

Having a full head of hair at my age also helps LMAO!

 

Seriously, if you are looking for a lifelong commitment I could understand trying to conform, but at 24, you should be concentrating on your own uniqueness.

[AMJ]

What do you mean it hardly matters what my major is? I don't want to take up something that I'm not even going to like. If you mean in terms of still being qualified for jobs that aren't in my major area I don't know how true that is. For example a guy who took up criminal justice as a major for instance likely won't be getting an accounting job.

 

How did she like the online classes? I'm considering going that route since I hate sitting in a classroom for 3 hours. I'd be more at ease in my house while I learn. But did she like it more or less than classroom setting?

 

What do you mean, what do I mean??

 

Do you really have not the slightest idea of what field you'd like to work in? It's a toss up between criminal justice and accounting? You gotta give us something to work with here NJ. So yes, if you want to be an accountant, that should be your major. But why do I feel like next you're going to say "Yeah but I'm TERRIBLE at math and have tons of anxiety because I don't want to take all those math classes." Because if that's the case, then you don't want to be an accountant!

See what I'm getting at? By now you should know what type of student you are, what areas you excel in. Generally that's how people pick their majors. Overachievers and masochists excluded- those people wind up being doctors and lawyers. I think you'd have found that type of professional path by now if that were the case.

 

If you'd like to tell us what type of field you want to work in, sure I can suggest some majors that will help you. But the truth is, that most of the time your resume as a whole and prior work experience, GPA, and the school you graduated from will matter more to an employer than your major itself.

 

Did my friend enjoy online classes? Um she pretty much hated her life during that time. She was a night shift nurse, which means you work all night and sleep during the day, and a single mom with a 2 year old. You think your life sucks? Hers was pretty horrible during that time. So she hated being in school, she only did it to get a higher paying job because the responsible thing to do is make sacrifices to improve our life situation. But she got through it, and she now has a much better job because of it.

 

Idk I personally like to be around people and learn better in a classroom, so I'd not like online classes. But everyone is different. Online programs are sometimes cheaper and you can watch lectures on your own schedule.

[JuneJulySeptember]

So true! I am one of these women and I regret it every SINGLE time.

 

You shouldn't regret going on a date with somebody unless they are crappy and make the date miserable/torture.

 

So what are you trying to say? That less attractive guys and poorer guys are worse people? I don't think so.

 

Or are you trying to say you go out with unattractive guys and it ends up being a waste of time because you are never attracted to them?

 

In which case yes, you should never 'cut guys slack'.

[NJ123]

What do you mean, what do I mean??

 

Do you really have not the slightest idea of what field you'd like to work in? It's a toss up between criminal justice and accounting? You gotta give us something to work with here NJ. So yes, if you want to be an accountant, that should be your major. But why do I feel like next you're going to say "Yeah but I'm TERRIBLE at math and have tons of anxiety because I don't want to take all those math classes." Because if that's the case, then you don't want to be an accountant!

See what I'm getting at? By now you should know what type of student you are, what areas you excel in. Generally that's how people pick their majors. Overachievers and masochists excluded- those people wind up being doctors and lawyers. I think you'd have found that type of professional path by now if that were the case.

 

If you'd like to tell us what type of field you want to work in, sure I can suggest some majors that will help you. But the truth is, that most of the time your resume as a whole and prior work experience, GPA, and the school you graduated from will matter more to an employer than your major itself.

 

Did my friend enjoy online classes? Um she pretty much hated her life during that time. She was a night shift nurse, which means you work all night and sleep during the day, and a single mom with a 2 year old. You think your life sucks? Hers was pretty horrible during that time. So she hated being in school, she only did it to get a higher paying job because the responsible thing to do is make sacrifices to improve our life situation. But she got through it, and she now has a much better job because of it.

 

Idk I personally like to be around people and learn better in a classroom, so I'd not like online classes. But everyone is different. Online programs are sometimes cheaper and you can watch lectures on your own schedule.

 

I meant like why does it hardly matter what my major is these days. I was thinking possibly computer programming maybe for a major or something in general with computers. I wouldn't want to do accounting since my brother took that up & he really disliked it himself so he got a job in something where he didn't even need a bachelor's degree as far as I know. I just know in general I would dislike accounting. I would find it boring. I'd consider criminal justice but I don't know what specific job I can do with that where there's going to be jobs available. I've always been interested in forensic type of things though. I'd need to pick something where there's going to be a lot of jobs. But I need to figure something out or else more time will go by with nothing done.

 

And yeah, I think I'd rather be at my home while taking classes since it would be more relaxing & comfortable for me.

[ZA Dater]

You're using extreme examples, but there are probably a lot of instances in which an OLD profile doesn't tell the whole story, as has been discussed in earlier posts. OLD, while a great tool to get introduced to people, doesn't really let them know the "real" you until you meet, and then there's a lot of slack to be cut and perceptions to be shattered. Lots of people can't really convey positive things about themselves through a profile. And plenty of woman wouldn't know how tall 5'10" is you had them guess, or what the average salary is for whatever you do. I'm not saying you're wrong, but there is a lot of gray area here.

 

Yes but conversely how many actually give enough benefit of the doubt to meet up with someone?

 

OLD is a consumerism at its finest.

 

People unfortunately like what they like and trying to understand way is a bit like trying to understand why the earth is not flat.

 

I am of the opinion that a great deal confidence is lost with OLD and equally I believe that guys who cannot get dates or keep getting rejected do ultimately become damaged goods.

[ZA Dater]

By the 30s if a man hasn't had a long term relationship already, women will throw him out so fast he won't know what hit him.

 

Very true unfortunately.

 

"oh but it doesn't show", yes it does show, men are constantly judged on experience and compared to their friends bf's and suchlike.

 

When we understand why we like what we like its sometimes easier and harder to accept things. Easier because you know what to chase, harder because you know you cannot get what you want.

 

I wonder how many people unsuccessful people are plagued in other areas of their lives by the rot the rejection sows?

 

The best chance people who are behind the curve have is to try and excel at something, admit defeat and try live a fulfilling live with other things, chase material wealth and pay for company.

 

Yes, you can try improve yourself but you cannot improve a personality unfortunately and I'd guess most of us are unsuccessful because our personality has been poisoned years of rejection which has lead to hopelessness.

 

I am big believer in building people up, dating is seemingly about knocking people down.

[NJ123]

Worst part is even lowering your standards to nothing doesn't make a difference.

 

I'm pretty sure if I lowered my standards in terms of looks a lot I'd be able to get dates way more easily. But what's the point since I would be wasting my time & hers when I have no interest in her. I'm a bit picky maybe when it comes to looks but I'm attracted to what I'm attracted to so there's nothing I can do about it unless I settle which I won't do.

[NJ123]

OLD is not a place where a man can afford to be picky. Many guys lower their standards online, so if you are here trying to date up, I wish you luck. Most likely, the women you are trying to get with have far better looking guys hitting on them. That is just the nature of OLD. Things even out much more in the real world, but even there, attractive women have a lot of options.

 

It's just the women that are on OLD are way more shallow in every area than in real life. I was on match.com before & literally 80%+ of the profiles I looked at wanted a guy that were 4+ inches taller than them. I'm 5'6" without shoes & the vast majority wanted someone at minimum 5'8" or taller even if they were like 5'3" themselves. Basically if I signed up on there I would barely have anyone to chat with since it shows their height requirements on there. It's just crazy & a bit depressing to seeing that.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Well, in an update that woman just randomly stopped talking to me. I think it was due to me not having a better job since when I mentioned the whole career thing & wanting to go back to get my bachelor's degree she just seemed turned off than I never heard from her again since late last night. Oh well though. I think I'm destined to be alone at this point & even trying is just making me feel worse. For whatever reason some people just never wind up with anyone or if they do they have to settle for someone they don't want. It's making me feel bitter & annoyed at times.

 

There's no way you know for sure it was because you were going back to college.

 

Women drop from talking to me, and I'm guessing its' because the flighty nature of online dating. She probably got distracted by another of the umpteen guys she's talking to.

 

Funny you mention this, you have no idea how many women who get divorced, in their 40s and "going back to school" to get their degree at. I kind of chuckle since I already did the college thing in my 20s, but I don't dismiss as a candidate.

 

I'm like "Good for you! So when are we going out?" lol

 

Meanwhile they are jump on the bandwagon of trying to be a Beach Body coach, Herbalife affiliate or Mary Kay distributor in the mean time. lol

Edited September 16, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[LookAtThisPOst]

I think there is a certain standard men have to meet have any noticeable results on OLD. Have a decent paying job, be confident, be 5'10" or taller, and if possible, be pleasantly different from the rest of the pack somehow.

 

You say it as if you know for sure that these men online don't have confidence. For one, she hasn't met him in person, so there's no way of fully knowing he has this trait, much less OTHER traits, until they meet face-to-face.

 

But if you're just a quick "delete" key away, then she'll never find that out.

[JuneJulySeptember]

It's just the women that are on OLD are way more shallow in every area than in real life. I was on match.com before & literally 80%+ of the profiles I looked at wanted a guy that were 4+ inches taller than them. I'm 5'6" without shoes & the vast majority wanted someone at minimum 5'8" or taller even if they were like 5'3" themselves. Basically if I signed up on there I would barely have anyone to chat with since it shows their height requirements on there. It's just crazy & a bit depressing to seeing that.

 

I don't think that's true.

 

I think OLD is an accurate (and somewhat disappointing) snapshot of what people, men and women, highly value in real life.

 

From a quick browse on Match.com, here's what I got from 10 women who were all average types....

 

7 screened for race

8 screened for height

2 screened for income

 

And these were all from women who were 5'4" or shorter.

 

Unfortunately, I think this is what people value and it's a pretty accurate snapshot of life.

 

At least you know $ doesn't mean that much to women.

[MidwestUSA]

As far as going back to the old-fashioned way of meeting people, LATP does have a point. I just heard that a friend of mine met her current love at...Starbucks! They just happened to be standing in line together. Anyway, I know this sounds so cliche but there just may really be something special in their Pumpkin Spice LOL.

 

That's interesting, jerk, because lately I've been seeing nothing but pumpkin spice everywhere! It doesn't do much for me, but apparently the womenz are crazy for it. I know my stepdaughter is (alas, she's taken).

 

What if there's a push for them to serve it year round? Could it mean the end of OLD and people going back to meeting IRL?

 

 

I can see the menu now if your friend gets married. Pumpkin spice cake, pumpkin spice liquor, etc.

[NewLeaf512]

I'm finding this whole thread terribly confusing. Is the aim to meet people you have never met to get to know them a bit, enjoy their company, have fun to see if it's enjoyable enough to repeat?

 

How can you even know all that from a photo and a few paragraphs?

 

Additionally if have a long list of "requirements" and are looking for someone fantastic, be fantastic yourself. There is someone for pretty much everyone in the world. Just have level-set expectations that are based in reality.

[Imajerk17]

That's interesting, jerk, because lately I've been seeing nothing but pumpkin spice everywhere! It doesn't do much for me, but apparently the womenz are crazy for it. I know my stepdaughter is (alas, she's taken).

 

What if there's a push for them to serve it year round? Could it mean the end of OLD and people going back to meeting IRL?

 

 

I can see the menu now if your friend gets married. Pumpkin spice cake, pumpkin spice liquor, etc.

 

Hey come on now. Pumpkin has a lot of antioxidants!

 

They (my friend and her now-boyfriend) met towards the end of fall, actually the beginning of Christmastime actually (I know, MORE cliches). This is how their first encounter went, at least as she told me: She was standing in line, with some bags in hand.

 

He started: "I see you started your holiday shopping already"

 

She said: "Yup" (staring straight ahead)

 

Him: "I actually did too. I'm bucking a trend here. Did you know that December 23rd and December 24th are the *only* two days in the year where men outnumber women in the malls?"

 

My friend laughed. She thought that was funny and interesting. "I didn't know that! Really??"

 

And then they were in a conversation. They talked about Christmas shopping, then families (it was a pretty long line). It turns out that both moved here from someplace else. She found herself impressed that he got his coffee straight up just the beans no milk no sweetener (just the way her dad drinks she says). Knowing her she probably got a pumpkin spice latte though

 

Anyway, getting back to the OT and what you asked, there probably is a moral to this story somewhere. Maybe the pumpkin spice smell permeates the inside of Starbucks enough so that women's nesting instincts are turned on? Especially combined with what happens in late fall--the cooler weather, that it is darker outside, and the sparkling lights appearing everywhere. I have no idea..... At any rate you never know....

Edited September 16, 2016 by Imajerk17

[MidwestUSA]

Antioxidants and pheromones, perhaps?

 

And here I thought they were only good for throwing off overpasses on November 1st.

 

Wasted opportunities.

 

I will say I went on a date with a guy on December 23rd. After a few drinks, we drove around looking at Christmas lights. There was some magic to it, if you know what I mean. . One house with lights in sync to the Trans Siberian Orchestra.

[NewLeaf512]

I'm pretty sure if I lowered my standards in terms of looks a lot I'd be able to get dates way more easily. But what's the point since I would be wasting my time & hers when I have no interest in her. I'm a bit picky maybe when it comes to looks but I'm attracted to what I'm attracted to so there's nothing I can do about it unless I settle which I won't do.

 

Just so I understand you have extremely high requirements for your potential dates with regard to looks, is that what you are saying? If so, are you extremely handsome yourself? It seems as if you are also saying that the women of OLD have extremely high requirements too, yet you have also called women wanting attractive (and taller) men shallow. This appears to be somewhat hypocritical.