Online dating is so depressing

[NJ123]

I wasn't attacking you at all, I was pointing out your hypocrisy. You say that you should be given a chance even though women may not be attracted to you but you won't give women you're not initially attracted to a chance.

 

All I said was that just as you shouldn't date women you're not attracted to, you can't get all huffy when women who aren't attracted to you are not interested in dating you.

 

The thing is I never felt like women owed me anything. It's just the frustration of constantly being rejected on online dating is what's awful to me. And yeah the whole height thing bothered me mainly due to going on match.com & to see their preferences & the vast majority eliminating me from their options no matter where I am in life. I could be making good money, living on my own & whatever else & it still wouldn't be good enough to most of those women is what sucks.

[NJ123]

You still haven't answered anyone about why you think you're a good catch.

 

I already answered that & I got criticized for my answer too.

[Aniela]

I wasn't attacking you at all, I was pointing out your hypocrisy. You say that you should be given a chance even though women may not be attracted to you but you won't give women you're not initially attracted to a chance.

 

All I said was that just as you shouldn't date women you're not attracted to, you can't get all huffy when women who aren't attracted to you are not interested in dating you.

 

Yep.

 

I wrote a post last night, because I can relate to the OP somewhat, but I was put off by the whole, "you can't compare a short man to an ugly woman". So being short shouldn't be a problem for anyone, but "ugly" women should just accept their fate, no matter how great of a person they are. I don't look like the elephant man, but I'm not the cutest woman around, either - and as someone who has been passed over by short men that I messaged online, because I didn't measure up (so to speak), I'm really having trouble empathizing right now. I'm also wallowing for other reasons, so I'm not going to stick around today, and get into this.

 

I will add, though, that I may not agree with enigma on everything, but he's right that most women want to be around someone who isn't so negative (and I can be negative, so don't see this as me pouncing on you). I wrote last night, that I messaged men on OKC, that I thought would just be fun, and/or interesting to be around. I know from personal experience, that some of the best-looking men out there, can be really bad for your mental health, so I didn't approach because of looks - I found something attractive about them, but you won't see them on magazine covers anytime soon. but I wasn't good enough (and most of those men are still on there, looking for the perfect 25-year-old to spend the rest of their lives with).

[BaileyB]

The thing is I never felt like women owed me anything. It's just the frustration of constantly being rejected on online dating is what's awful to me. And yeah the whole height thing bothered me mainly due to going on match.com & to see their preferences & the vast majority eliminating me from their options no matter where I am in life. I could be making good money, living on my own & whatever else & it still wouldn't be good enough to most of those women is what sucks.

 

Not true.

 

In a market where people put up their likes/dislikes like a shopping list, you may be rejected by those who are shallow enough to base a decision of who they want for a life partner based on superficial qualitities.

 

If you put yourself out there and find a woman in the real world, height will not factor as much into the decision of who to date. Particularly if you have many other things to bring to a potential relationship...

[ZA Dater]

In an ideal world, maybe. In the real world -- the only one that matters, and therefore the only one we should concern ourselves with -- no. If people could stop seeing the landscape through the lens of "fairness," and start to view things through the lens of biology in conjunction with other concepts like survival, supply and demand, etc, then the nuances of male/female attraction and dating really aren't that hard to understand, if not apply.

 

 

 

It's a nuanced issue, consumerism might be part of it but certainly not the whole story. The qualities that those who know you think are fantastic are not at all necessarily the same ones that get a woman's motor running. Hence the disparity between the success of your friendships and lack thereof romantically. It's great to have a certain set of qualities in a friend, like available, agreeable, kind, etc. However, oftentimes those qualities aren't what attracts women to men sexually and you're making a mistake in assuming they can be applied as such.

 

Let's view those same qualities in romantic context, where a girl's biological inclinations do the talking.

 

Available - "He's got nothing else of importance going on and no other women are after him. Something's off. What are they noticing that I'm not?"

Agreeable - "He agrees with everything I say, never challenges it, never takes a hard stance, and never stands up to me. Is he afraid of me, a woman? Is he spineless?"

Kind - "This guy may prioritize other people before himself. He'll never survive in this dog-eat-dog world. He'll be eaten alive. This isn't a guy I want protecting me and my kids, even if he has good intentions, he needs to survive first."

 

 

 

"Gender equality" is a social construct. Huffington Post and all those sites can write whatever they want, but at the end of the day, biology still trumps all. A man's sexual currency has always been in his ability to provide, and a woman's is still in how attractive she is. Notions of modern feminism in full force, and women still want men to have decent jobs and men still want women to be hot. It's unlikely to change anytime soon for the overwhelming majority of people, regardless of what gets said about it. As I said earlier, it's not fairness, it's just biology.

 

 

 

 

I think you both just need to open your eyes a bit and realize things might not be quite how they seem. There's a lot to be understood about things that are often oversimplified.

 

Your posts are always quite hard to debate...because for the most part they are right.

 

 

If the bold qualities make me unattractive I can live with that quite easily, as opposed to being some player who goes out to bed anyone lady he can find. For me being living according to my own morals, being the person I want to be, having the courage to not fit in with others and be who I am, those are more important than if someone wants to sleep with me or not, I wont compromise any of those things in the hope it suddenly makes me a catch.

 

 

People who are constantly rejected become agreeable really fast because you don't have much of an option lest something you say may put someone else off or ruin whatever small chance one may have had with that person. Interesting commentary though.

 

 

Available, you proved my point there, because a guy is always single that's not a bad thing, perhaps he is discerning, perhaps he is busy, perhaps he values work, perhaps there many reasons. However, where you are right is society expects guys to have relationship experience and here I absolutely agree with the OP, a 35yo virgin is going straight to the bottom of the pile of trash by virtue of the fact its not NORMAL, normal being defined as what society deems to be normal.

 

 

I can trot out my achievements till the cows come home and it makes not one jot of difference, I choose not to boasts, its a terrible quality but when I did try this tactic it never worked at all BECAUSE my achievements meant nothing to the audience in front of me.

 

 

The bottom line is anything that's different is NOT desirable. Everyone wow person I have liked has had something different about them, when I did look I always looked for different people, mostly intellectually. Guess what, I never found ANY on a dating site.

 

 

The OP has some valid points which I agree with, constant rejection is not great, its massively damaging in fact, its as damaging as success breeds confidence. Yes, I firmly believe every guy gets rejected BUT 95% also experience success.

[ZA Dater]

Not true.

 

In a market where people put up their likes/dislikes like a shopping list, you may be rejected by those who are shallow enough to base a decision of who they want for a life partner based on superficial qualitities.

 

If you put yourself out there and find a woman in the real world, height will not factor as much into the decision of who to date. Particularly if you have many other things to bring to a potential relationship...

 

Very true. Nobody is so inflexible about preferences to rule someone out because they fail at a small trivial one such as height, when I see this mumbo jumbo in profiles about height I just laugh because how relevant is it really? Its not, its totally irrelevant.

[NJ123]

Not true.

 

In a market where people put up their likes/dislikes like a shopping list, you may be rejected by those who are shallow enough to base a decision of who they want for a life partner based on superficial qualitities.

 

If you put yourself out there and find a woman in the real world, height will not factor as much into the decision of who to date. Particularly if you have many other things to bring to a potential relationship...

 

The only issue with that is the vast majority of single women use some sort of online dating these days whether its OKCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Match. Usually they're on at least one of them. So how would a woman that has a preference for taller guys online all of a sudden want me out in the real world?

[Blanco]

I could be making good money, living on my own & whatever else & it still wouldn't be good enough to most of those women is what sucks.

 

You basically have three things you keep harping on: height, income, inexperience.

 

It's actually impressive how you keep finding a way to use one of those three things as an excuse to dismiss whatever someone is saying.

 

If they say height doesn't matter to all women, you go, "Yeah, but women don't want a guy who doesn't make a lot of money."

 

If they say you should focus on getting a degree, you go, "Yeah, but women don't want a short guy."

 

If they say you should focus on getting a job and moving out, you go, "Yeah, but that will take years and women won't want an older guy with no experience."

 

You are filled with excuses, but especially those three things.

 

edit: and you had yet ANOTHER post like that while I was typing this one!

[ZA Dater]

That is because the people that know you and like you are not 25 year old girls and on Tinder are they? They are 40+ and in relationships, I guess, as they are the crowd you usually hang about with.

 

Older men that appeal to 25yos are usually Peter Pan types, guys who have never let go of their 20-25 yo selves.

They appeal, because they talk the same language and act like people in their twenties.

That is NOT you, so you need to stop throwing yourself up against a brick wall.

 

You pitching at 25 yos on Tinder, is like a couch potato who hates water and getting wet, trying to fit into a White Water Rafting Club, it's just not going to happen.

 

Plenty 30+ women (without kids, in case you throw the unmarried mother excuse around again ) do look great and they would speak your language, if you went looking for them and gave them a chance.

 

 

Actually They range from 28-34 in age so your theory is somewhat blow out of the water. Just saying

 

I have never found in SA any 30+yo remotely nice looking articulate, gainfully employed, ambitious, issue free, baggage free, child free lady who I was interested in (see how I played with words there).

 

 

At the end of the day I just want one thing, just for once to go on 3 dates with someone I really like, just three dates will be enough. Just so I don't feel so epically lonely. In fact, scrap that I'd settle for a nice female friend.

[Blanco]

I already answered that & I got criticized for my answer too.

 

You weren't criticized for it. You were told that those things weren't major selling points.

 

Yes, it's important to be caring and loyal, but those are pretty basic human behaviors that we should strive to exhibit to everyone.

 

I understand not everyone does, but to have those be the main reasons why a woman should date you is kind of like saying, "Hey, you should date me because I've never murdered someone." It should be expected that you're not an awful person.

[ZA Dater]

The only issue with that is the vast majority of single women use some sort of online dating these days whether its OKCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Match. Usually they're on at least one of them. So how would a woman that has a preference for taller guys online all of a sudden want me out in the real world?

 

Come now. English, you have a fair command of it. I suggest you look up "preference" its not a MUST but a LIKE, there is a big difference between the two.

 

 

Your personality CAN overcome something trivial like height.

[NJ123]

You basically have three things you keep harping on: height, income, inexperience.

 

It's actually impressive how you keep finding a way to use one of those three things as an excuse to dismiss whatever someone is saying.

 

If they say height doesn't matter to all women, you go, "Yeah, but women don't want a guy who doesn't make a lot of money."

 

If they say you should focus on getting a degree, you go, "Yeah, but women don't want a short guy."

 

If they say you should focus on getting a job and moving out, you go, "Yeah, but that will take years and women won't want an older guy with no experience."

 

You are filled with excuses, but especially those three things.

 

edit: and you had yet ANOTHER post like that while I was typing this one!

 

If I go on match.com for instance, how am I supposed to win a woman over where I'm not in her set of preferences? If a woman states she prefers guys that are 5'9"+ how am I supposed to change her mind?

[Blanco]

If I go on match.com for instance, how am I supposed to win a woman over where I'm not in her set of preferences? If a woman states she prefers guys that are 5'9"+ how am I supposed to change her mind?

 

Get off OLD. Go outside. Meet someone in person. Win them over with whatever it is you think you've got that women should be appreciating about you that they aren't on OLD.

[NJ123]

Come now. English, you have a fair command of it. I suggest you look up "preference" its not a MUST but a LIKE, there is a big difference between the two.

 

 

Your personality CAN overcome something trivial like height.

 

I'm probably going to get criticized for this too but I'd prefer for a woman to not care one way or another about something like height.

[Blanco]

I'm probably going to get criticized for this too but I'd prefer for a woman to not care one way or another about something like height.

 

You're only getting criticized for it because you don't seem to grasp how hypocritical it is for you to not want someone to judge you for your appearance while you are so rigidly unwilling to do the same.

 

And yes, for the last time, height is part of your appearance. There's never been a conversation that's gone like:

 

"He's got a great personality."

"Oh, so he's pretty tall then?"

[NJ123]

You're only getting criticized for it because you don't seem to grasp how hypocritical it is for you to not want someone to judge you for your appearance while you are so rigidly unwilling to do the same.

 

And yes, for the last time, height is part of your appearance. There's never been a conversation that's gone like:

 

"He's got a great personality."

"Oh, so he's pretty tall then?"

 

I only have an issue with the women that are short that still have a preference for it. Why does a woman that's 5'3" need a guy that's 5'10"+? That's the only issue I have with it.

[ZA Dater]

I'm probably going to get criticized for this too but I'd prefer for a woman to not care one way or another about something like height.

 

This really is preposterous. You right someone off because of a preference? That truly is amazing.

 

 

A preference doesn't mean they care?

 

 

I wouldn't want someone 34d breasts for example but I wouldn't care if the person had a fantastic personality.

[Blanco]

I only have an issue with the women that are short that still have a preference for it. Why does a woman that's 5'3" need a guy that's 5'10"+? That's the only issue I have with it.

 

I'm not talking about short women. I'm talking about women who you don't deem "attractive."

[BaileyB]

So how would a woman that has a preference for taller guys online all of a sudden want me out in the real world?

 

Because they say... I like this guy. He's nice, kind, thoughtful, funny, smart, fun to spend time with, and he's got a lot going on in his life...

 

That is what a woman in the real world would say, assuming that you are all those things.

 

Unlike online dating, they would have more of a frame of reference on which to make a decision about whether they would be interested in spending time with you... Rather than a checklist of superficial things they "hope" to find in a date.

 

It is all about give and take in a real relationship... I can give up my "preferences" related to meaningless things like height, whether he likes Opera, and the fact that we don't have the same favorite color... If he is kind, treats me well, is hard working, and I enjoy his company...

[NJ123]

I'm not talking about short women. I'm talking about women who you don't deem "attractive."

 

I just want to know why a few extra inches in height is so important to women even if they're short themselves?

[NJ123]

This really is preposterous. You right someone off because of a preference? That truly is amazing.

 

 

A preference doesn't mean they care?

 

 

I wouldn't want someone 34d breasts for example but I wouldn't care if the person had a fantastic personality.

 

I wouldn"t write someone off due to a preference since I don't care about things like hair color, height, etc. I would prefer bigger breasts of course but if as you said I thought they were pretty & they had a great personality I wouldn't write them off due to that.

[Blanco]

I just want to know why a few extra inches in height is so important to women even if they're short themselves?

 

I don't know. I reiterate my suggestion to get off OLD and go start interacting with more people in the flesh. As Bailey said, most people are more willing to bend on their preferences when faced with the actual person rather than their online profile.

[elaine567]

I just want to know why a few extra inches in height is so important to women even if they're short themselves?

 

That is easy, it is heels.

Short women need heels to be of a "normal" height, so short women are not often seen without big heels. They, like other women want a man to be a few inches taller than they are, so if she is 5'5"- 5"6" in heels, then she needs a man that is 5' 8 at least.

[BaileyB]

My "preference" is to date someone taller than me. I think it has everything to do with biology, the fact that women want a man who can protect and provide. It just "feels" nice to be with a man who is tall and strong... It fits the stereotype on a very superficial level.

 

That said, I have dated men who are the same height and shorter than me... Because they were great people and I enjoyed spending time with them. And these men have been strong men and good providers...

 

Height is, for most people, a preference... In much the same way larger breasts is a preference for you. Would you date someone who is taller than you or had small breasts if she was a wonderful woman and she made you feel great when you were together? Of course you would!

 

I really do suggest that you quit OLD for a while. Work on your confidence and your social skills. Try to make real connections with people - not profiles.

Edited September 18, 2016 by BaileyB

[GemmaUK]

I just want to know why a few extra inches in height is so important to women even if they're short themselves?

 

I agree with Elaine's above post - it's all about the 5 inch heels some women now wear.

I'm only just over 5ft tall and I've had no issues dating a man of 5ft 6in at all.

The highest heel I wear and have ever worn though is about 3 in absolute max with no platform.

I dated a guy who was 6ft 5in once - epic mistake! I walked up to him, he turned round and I almost knocked myself out on his elbow!

 

I'll ask again, I asked you previously but you didn't answer - why did you not finish your studies, get a job you like and move out of your parents house yet?

It also doesn't sound like your plan is even to move out yet and you're in your 30's. I don't get it??