Online dating is so depressing

[Aniela]

It's just hard to feel good about it when I've never had a relationship before. As corny & cheesy as it sounds I just want to feel wanted by someone for a relationship. It just sucks seeing it all around me all the time when I've never had that before.

 

I know how you feel.

[Blanco]

It's just hard to feel good about it when I've never had a relationship before. As corny & cheesy as it sounds I just want to feel wanted by someone for a relationship. It just sucks seeing it all around me all the time when I've never had that before.

 

You keep longing for a girlfriend, but I feel like even if you got one, you'd probably drive her away by making her responsible for your happiness and self-worth. That's no one's job but your own. You dwell on the romance aspect of your life as if that's just the only missing puzzle piece. It's not.

 

Look, there's no nice way to spin it: You're well behind most guys your age in just about every way. You don't have your degree. You don't have a career-type of job. You don't live on your own. You're past that grace period of your mid-20s where you could get away with telling people that you're still figuring out what you want in life.

 

I get that you want some experience with women, but you need to get your life together first. Women your age don't want to date someone who effectively never matured past life as a teenager.

[thefooloftheyear]

I know nothing of OLD other than what's been told to me and what I read...

 

That being said...

 

There's a saying...

 

"A poor craftsman blames his tools"

 

*shrug*

 

 

TFY

[NJ123]

You probably are wanted by someone, but as you say, you are picky about looks. Your posts don't indicate a guy that wants to be wanted, but a guy who wants hot chicks to want him, and is bitter and angry that they do not.

 

I'm picky about looks but probably not anywhere near what you think. You probably think I want women that look like models or close to models. There's likely women I'd find attractive that you would think are average & vice versa. I'd just want someone I'd love waking up to everyday & not someone I think is average or unattractive.

[normal person]

Some in here are saying it's not difficult though to date. I get constant profile views on OLD. I just checked before & had 7 views in the last hour or two alone. I just think what's turning them off has to do with where I am in my life which I have to work on.

 

Quite possibly. And what're you expecting to turn them on?

 

I know nothing of OLD other than what's been told to me and what I read...

 

That being said...

 

There's a saying...

 

"A poor craftsman blames his tools"

 

*shrug*

 

 

TFY

 

To be fair, I already said that, hah.

[NJ123]

I think average women are sexy as hell. Would happily wake up next to one every day. Preferably two of them.

 

No, I do not think you are only going for models and the like, but with what you have to offer right now, the average girl probably has better options. You know what you need to work on. You should start a plan of attack and get things in motion ASAP.

 

The thing is as I said what's average to you might be really attractive to me & the opposite. For instance there's a lot of guys that don't find curvy women attractive at all but I do. Also, I'm not into women that are that thin either like some other guys are. I just think people are jumping to conclusions in here when I say I want someone that's attractive to me, thinking I only want women that are extremely attractive & they have it in their mind that I want someone that has model looks/body or something. But that's far from the case.

 

I have to wait until December/January for classes to start again. I just have to decide on a major within the next 2 or 3 months. If I can't decide on one I'd at least like to take the required credit courses in the meantime to get them out of the way.

Edited September 19, 2016 by NJ123

[AMJ]

To be fair, I already said that, hah.

 

To be fair, I think we've all already said that, in some way or other, numerous times.

 

NJ you have received many, many responses to this very generic issue- over 300 I see. Yet you are not satisfied with a single response. In my opinion everyone here is more or less giving you the same exact advice. Which should demonstrate that there is a clear path to getting what you want. However, you've either ignored or continued to argue with people's advice, honestly the same way a child argues with their mom about brushing their teeth before bedtime. Regurgitation of nonsensical excuses, one after the other.

 

You've not answered lots of questions here, so I'm doubtful you will answer this question in a way that is constructive, but what advice are you exactly looking for here? What is it you want us to tell you?

 

Some people in this world are fortunate enough to not have faced many struggles in life. Most of us however, have had to deal with some sort of disadvantage at one time or other. I think that is why you are experiencing the resentment towards your attitude here. People respect other people who show courage in the face of adversity. And a positive attitude. A willingness to overcome a challenge.

 

Of course people need help along the way, we get lost, we need guidance. But you will be respected more for showing appreciation for people's advice and guidance to you here. Instead you act petulant and sound as if you're throwing yourself a pity-party tantrum.

 

Two of my friends married men who are shorter than they are. The first couple- they met in college. He called her his unicorn, loved her from the minute he met her. Let's call him B. She's H. H is probably 5'11 and he's 5'8-9. So sure, not much shorter than her, but he is shorter. He was kind of chubby in college. And actually not that great looking. At all. But no one cares, because, he is the greatest person you'll ever meet. In ten years I've never had a bad experience with him. Never once heard him complain. He's genuinely kind, the life of any party, intelligent, hilarious, successful. If you are lucky enough to hang out with B, you will have a really, really great time. I mean the detail and thought he put into their wedding alone; it was an event unlike any I'd ever been to- and I've been to a whole bunch of weddings. He was her friend for years- 6 years actually, until they finally started dating. And H is one of the most beautiful women you'll ever see- tall, blonde, thin. She's also down to earth and extremely kind, also a wonderful person. She could have married a much hotter guy. But she chose B, because he is a wonderful person, and they are ridiculously happy.

She did not care that he is several inches shorter than her, and she wore heels to her wedding, where she towered over him. She did not care about his height. No one, and I mean no one, cared how tall either of them are.

 

For what it's worth, I've actually dated three men in their 30s who lived with their parents. All three were in San Francisco. One was a compulsive liar and had a very elaborate lie about his living situation (I have a thread about him), the other was just in between living with roommates and getting his own place, I didn't really like him much anyway. He's an example of a time when I lowered my standards to date a guy I wasn't attracted to- since you seem to think women never do that. And the last guy had just sold a house and bought another one, and was completely remodeling the kitchen and bathrooms, so stayed with his folks for about a year when we first met. Needless to say there was nothing unattractive about being a home owner in San Francisco...however the other two guys I decided to give a chance anyway. I regretted it both times, but I did give them a chance.

 

I'm only bringing this up NJ so you know that living with your parents in itself is actually not as major of an issue as you make it out to be. Neither is your height.

Your lack of ambition, your victim mentality, your exhausting attitude, however, are entirely your problem.

[NJ123]

To be fair, I think we've all already said that, in some way or other, numerous times.

 

NJ you have received many, many responses to this very generic issue- over 300 I see. Yet you are not satisfied with a single response. In my opinion everyone here is more or less giving you the same exact advice. Which should demonstrate that there is a clear path to getting what you want. However, you've either ignored or continued to argue with people's advice, honestly the same way a child argues with their mom about brushing their teeth before bedtime. Regurgitation of nonsensical excuses, one after the other.

 

You've not answered lots of questions here, so I'm doubtful you will answer this question in a way that is constructive, but what advice are you exactly looking for here? What is it you want us to tell you?

 

Some people in this world are fortunate enough to not have faced many struggles in life. Most of us however, have had to deal with some sort of disadvantage at one time or other. I think that is why you are experiencing the resentment towards your attitude here. People respect other people who show courage in the face of adversity. And a positive attitude. A willingness to overcome a challenge.

 

Of course people need help along the way, we get lost, we need guidance. But you will be respected more for showing appreciation for people's advice and guidance to you here. Instead you act petulant and sound as if you're throwing yourself a pity-party tantrum.

 

Two of my friends married men who are shorter than they are. The first couple- they met in college. He called her his unicorn, loved her from the minute he met her. Let's call him B. She's H. H is probably 5'11 and he's 5'8-9. So sure, not much shorter than her, but he is shorter. He was kind of chubby in college. And actually not that great looking. At all. But no one cares, because, he is the greatest person you'll ever meet. In ten years I've never had a bad experience with him. Never once heard him complain. He's genuinely kind, the life of any party, intelligent, hilarious, successful. If you are lucky enough to hang out with B, you will have a really, really great time. I mean the detail and thought he put into their wedding alone; it was an event unlike any I'd ever been to- and I've been to a whole bunch of weddings. He was her friend for years- 6 years actually, until they finally started dating. And H is one of the most beautiful women you'll ever see- tall, blonde, thin. She's also down to earth and extremely kind, also a wonderful person. She could have married a much hotter guy. But she chose B, because he is a wonderful person, and they are ridiculously happy.

She did not care that he is several inches shorter than her, and she wore heels to her wedding, where she towered over him. She did not care about his height. No one, and I mean no one, cared how tall either of them are.

 

For what it's worth, I've actually dated three men in their 30s who lived with their parents. All three were in San Francisco. One was a compulsive liar and had a very elaborate lie about his living situation (I have a thread about him), the other was just in between living with roommates and getting his own place, I didn't really like him much anyway. He's an example of a time when I lowered my standards to date a guy I wasn't attracted to- since you seem to think women never do that. And the last guy had just sold a house and bought another one, and was completely remodeling the kitchen and bathrooms, so stayed with his folks for about a year when we first met. Needless to say there was nothing unattractive about being a home owner in San Francisco...however the other two guys I decided to give a chance anyway. I regretted it both times, but I did give them a chance.

 

I'm only bringing this up NJ so you know that living with your parents in itself is actually not as major of an issue as you make it out to be. Neither is your height.

Your lack of ambition, your victim mentality, your exhausting attitude, however, are entirely your problem.

 

I just didn't like the tone of a lot of people's posts in here. They claim I have a bad attitude yet from some posters in here almost all their posts are making fun of me & calling me manlet & other stuff. Like that's supposed to be helpful in anyway or make me feel positive?

 

And I already know obviously now that the women that have a lot of options don't want anything to do with me in my current form which is what people in here have been telling me but I didn't want to accept it, at least not in OLD. It sucks but I have to somehow accept that those women want more than what I can offer since they have tons of options that have more going for them. But it just sucks being alone & I hate the fact that I've never been with anyone before so it's almost like I feel I need to find someone now due to the lost time. I'm not bad looking so women are going to be weirded or creeped out for why I have never been in a relationship before. I just don't want more time to go by where I'm not going to have any experience. Because let's face it, society looks down on older men with inexperience. It's just a fact. It doesn't make me feel good that I'm in this position & that a lot of women will look down on me because of it like I'm some freak or something. It seems most women want guys with experience in terms of relationships & sex, not someone that they have to teach things on how to have a relationship with or teaching them how to have sex.

Edited September 19, 2016 by NJ123

[ZA Dater]

No. Some people never do.

 

But, that's not an excuse to throw your hands in the air and become bitter/play the victim. Work to become the best person you can be. Study people and relationships. Put yourself out there and build your self esteem/confidence. Grow as a person. Have some fun in life...

 

When you are depressed, it's hard to imagine that life can be better. It's easy to think the things you want will never come for you. And, maybe they won't. Then, make peace with that. Be grateful for the things that you have/that are going well in your life. And stay open to the possibility that what you want may come along...

 

But, don't grow bitter and give up on life. That the real shame.

 

Your posts in this thread have been insightful and interesting. I think the above is true to an extent however there are certain underlying things which you may have left out.

 

When you have been reject enough you simply don't have any self esteem and confidence left. Putting oneself out there is easy IF one has normal sort of interesting and can relate to people, I suspect most people who struggle have different sort of interests and most don't do the club, bar, meetup thing.

 

In some ways most of the forum which is US based are so fortunate, I had a look at meet ups in major US cities (I was bored and had nothing better to do) and you are spoilt for choice, the people look genuinely nice and its a form that is seemingly accepted in he USA. Here is just plain taboo, along with dating sites so the type of person who goes is a total misfit.

 

Its difficult to be open to the possibility if one cannot ever ascertain if people are interested.

 

Eventually you just give and up and watch everyone else have fun.

[ZA Dater]

It sucks but I have to somehow accept that those women want more than what I can offer since they have tons of options that have more going for them. But it just sucks being alone & I hate the fact that I've never been with anyone before so it's almost like I feel I need to find someone now due to the lost time. I'm not bad looking so women are going to be weirded or creeped out for why I have never been in a relationship before. I just don't want more time to go by where I'm not going to have any experience. Because let's face it, society looks down on older men with inexperience. It's just a fact. It doesn't make me feel good that I'm in this position & that a lot of women will look down on me because of it like I'm some freak or something. It seems most women want guys with experience in terms of relationships & sex, not someone that they have to teach things on how to have a relationship with or teaching them how to have sex.

 

1: That's the fundamental problem with OLD right there. Options, ladies have far more of them than guys do.

 

2: I can have walked many miles in those shoes and can totally relate to you on all of that, its a terrible feeling to feel. I overcame it by not feeling inferior to them, looking at them as people, so what they don't want me, who cares, for the most part when I see people looking down at me I look back and them and 99.9% of the time most are so unexceptional themselves what they think of me is of no relevance. Spend less time wondering what others think because they are going to think it no matter what you do.

 

The teaching part, yes this bothers me a heck of a lot. There is no escaping that fact, my own attraction has been severely slanted towards people I sense are not that experienced themselves so that attribute forms part of attraction for me. Admittedly these people are very hard to find, your best bet here are ladies who studied a lot at the expense of a social life.

[ZA Dater]

The bold qualities don't make you unattractive, but perhaps if that's all there is to you and no dominant, aggressive, fearless, confident quality or something of the sort to temper them with, then perhaps then they might be an issue. Also, it's not a binary thing, it's not like you're either kind and considerate or some player who beds everyone. There's a universe of people and attributes in between those.

 

There isn't. I am just the pillar of support everyone leans on basically, the guy who gets things done. Dominating has never been my style, sure I am assertive when needed but I am also mostly quiet if there is nothing to stimulate my interest in a conversation in a group.

[BaileyB]

Your posts in this thread have been insightful and interesting. I think the above is true to an extent however there are certain underlying things which you may have left out.

 

When you have been reject enough you simply don't have any self esteem and confidence left. Putting oneself out there is easy IF one has normal sort of interesting and can relate to people, I suspect most people who struggle have different sort of interests and most don't do the club, bar, meetup thing.

 

In some ways most of the forum which is US based are so fortunate, I had a look at meet ups in major US cities (I was bored and had nothing better to do) and you are spoilt for choice, the people look genuinely nice and its a form that is seemingly accepted in he USA. Here is just plain taboo, along with dating sites so the type of person who goes is a total misfit.

 

Its difficult to be open to the possibility if one cannot ever ascertain if people are interested.

 

Eventually you just give and up and watch everyone else have fun.

 

I'm glad you have found some of the things I've posted interesting.

 

I'll tell you honestly my story... I've just turned 40. I'm about 6 months into my first serious relationship. I have dated for 20 years - blind dates, matchmakers, speed dating, online dating... You name it, I have tried it. I have "dated" more people than all my friends put together. I have "dated" and suffered through more bad meetings than anyone should have to do. I have felt your frustration...

 

I once heard a quote that said in one culture, they believe that everytime you take a photo, it steals a piece of your soul. I feel that way about dating. Everytime you get your hopes up and it doesn't work out, it steals a bit of your confidence, self esteem, your soul. But, you can't let it do that!

 

I've taken breaks from dating. I finally decided, if it never happened for me, I'd be ok. I built a wonderful life for myself - good job, own my home, good friends, adoring auntie, travelled the world. Then, my mom died. And I realized, I didn't want to end my life without knowing what it was to be loved by someone - and to love someone in return. So... I signed up for another speed dating event. I made myself go... And the first guy who came to meet me was amazing! We had so much in common, he was such a nice guy, he lived literally down the street from me. He's not perfect, but I like him... A lot. And, amazingly, he liked me - a lot. We have been together now for 6 months and it has been more than I could have ever imagined. It does happen, if you stay open and keep trying.

 

But, people are right when they post that after all of this advice, all of these suggestions... You all continue to come back with the negative... "Yeah, but..." It's exhausting. You are both very, very stuck in your beliefs.

 

Yes, it's hard to stay positive when dating. Especially online dating - it is the worst! Not everyone gets what they want. But, if you continue with the negative "yeah, but" attitude and focus on the frustrations and the negative... You will never get what you want!

 

Good luck to you...

Edited September 19, 2016 by BaileyB

[ChickiePops]

I just didn't like the tone of a lot of people's posts in here. They claim I have a bad attitude yet from some posters in here almost all their posts are making fun of me & calling me manlet & other stuff. Like that's supposed to be helpful in anyway or make me feel positive?

 

And I already know obviously now that the women that have a lot of options don't want anything to do with me in my current form which is what people in here have been telling me but I didn't want to accept it, at least not in OLD. It sucks but I have to somehow accept that those women want more than what I can offer since they have tons of options that have more going for them. But it just sucks being alone & I hate the fact that I've never been with anyone before so it's almost like I feel I need to find someone now due to the lost time. I'm not bad looking so women are going to be weirded or creeped out for why I have never been in a relationship before. I just don't want more time to go by where I'm not going to have any experience. Because let's face it, society looks down on older men with inexperience. It's just a fact. It doesn't make me feel good that I'm in this position & that a lot of women will look down on me because of it like I'm some freak or something. It seems most women want guys with experience in terms of relationships & sex, not someone that they have to teach things on how to have a relationship with or teaching them how to have sex.

 

Then stop focusing on desperately getting a girlfriend and focus on bettering yourself in order to make yourself a more attractive full package. Doing that will raise your own number of options.

 

I'd rather date a guy with no experience who has a decent job and doesn't live with his parents than an experienced guy with a menial job who does. And no, I'm not a gold digger, but I've seen how much pressure it puts on a person to be the sole breadwinner as well as a wife and mother. I don't need to be rich but I do need to feel secure. I'm pretty certain that most women feel this way, which is why we are all putting so much emphasis on this.

 

Other than that, you keep focusing on the wrong things. Looks and experience are far less important to most women than confidence and security. I'm sure you're fine looking but something about you is obviously putting people off. If you've been rejected that many times then it's you, not the rest of the world. Figure out what's putting women off besides height and work on that along with beginning your career. The dating world is not going to change that much in a few years. Catch up everywhere else first.

[ZA Dater]

I'm glad you have found some of the things I've posted interesting.

 

I'll tell you honestly my story... I've just turned 40. I'm about 6 months into my first serious relationship. I have dated for 20 years - blind dates, matchmakers, speed dating, online dating... You name it, I have tried it. I have "dated" more people than all my friends put together. I have "dated" and suffered through more bad meetings than anyone should have to do. I have felt your frustration...

 

I once heard a quote that said in one culture, they believe that everytime you take a photo, it steals a piece of your soul. I feel that way about dating. Everytime you get your hopes up and it doesn't work out, it steals a bit of your confidence, self esteem, your soul. But, you can't let it do that!

 

I've taken breaks from dating. I finally decided, if it never happened for me, I'd be ok. I built a wonderful life for myself - good job, own my home, good friends, adoring auntie, travelled the world. Then, my mom died. And I realized, I didn't want to end my life without knowing what it was to be loved by someone - and to love someone in return. So... I signed up for another speed dating event. I made myself go... And the first guy who came to meet me was amazing! We had so much in common, he was such a nice guy, he lived literally down the street from me. He's not perfect, but I like him... A lot. And, amazingly, he liked me - a lot. We have been together now for 6 months and it has been more than I could have ever imagined. It does happen, if you stay open and keep trying.

 

But, people are right when they post that after all of this advice, all of these suggestions... You all continue to come back with the negative... "Yeah, but..." It's exhausting. You are both very, very stuck in your beliefs.

 

Yes, it's hard to stay positive when dating. Especially online dating - it is the worst! Not everyone gets what they want. But, if you continue with the negative "yeah, but" attitude and focus on the frustrations and the negative... You will never get what you want!

 

Good luck to you...

 

With the greatest of respect its not so much the negative its the fact dating simply pulls every positive out of life for me, hence me turning my back on it. If I could say "ok I had 6 dates with her, made out once and it didn't work" I'd actually see that as a success not a failure, a success because I got enjoy some of the good which offset the bad.

 

The fact I cannot even get two dates with the same person or find anyone I like who is interested in me just puts me into this space which is wholly negative and I realised its not one I work well in, so the solution is to get rid of dating. If something in life brings not positive its pointless pursuing it.

 

Sure its something I want but its not something everyone gets, I a glad you have found it though.

 

I don't agree that everything revolves about working on oneself, yes you should but there is also time when you choose to align yourself with convention or you don't. Beer and sport hold no interest for me, whereas it does for 95% of guys. My hobbies hold not interest for ladies at all, I not now going to change them in the hope it makes me more attractive.

 

I go on dates, open doors, pull out chairs, open cars doors and get looked at like I am mad, for me its normal to do those things.

 

Beliefs are mostly a function of experiences, had I and other had better experiences then I suspect our beliefs would be somewhat different.

[normal person]

1: That's the fundamental problem with OLD right there. Options, ladies have far more of them than guys do.

 

Women might appear to have more "options" as men are typically more aggressive in sending messages, etc, however a lot of women will lament the lack of viable options; men that they actually want to date and can, and not some schmoe with nothing going for him and nothing interesting to write or say about himself. Women might experience the same problem. I disregard at least 90% of the OLD attention I get just because the girl doesn't interest me in whatever way.

 

The fundamental problem is that people on the whole just aren't that impressive in an OLD scenario, where people are seeking the best they can get and continually having their expectations tempered one way or the other. In a way it is a problem with lack of options -- but that lack of options is predicated on a lack of willingness of people to improve themselves (thinking that they're fine just the way they are, thinking that just having a profile regardless of quality warrants some attention) or figure out the most efficient ways to do OLD (like the link I posted in a previous post). Consider this analogy: think of everyone on a dating site as an "athlete" when there are a few olympians amongst the mix, and the other 97% are just people who played kickball at recess a few times 20 years ago.

 

I keep waiting for the day where the scrutiny that OLD puts people under inspires us all to "figure it out" and raise ourselves to the bar. To see that living in your mom's basement is not going to pique anyone's interest or that sending a message that just says "hi" is just going to get ignored for lack of effort.

 

But no, people rarely ever come to the conclusion that their lack of success could somehow be attributed to their shortcomings or lack of adaptation. Let's face it, we're all just a bunch of morons.

[BaileyB]

Agreed. It may look like women have more options but the number of viable options for women in OLD can feel very minimal...

 

I actually think men have more options. I have so many single friends who are such accomplished, lovely women... If a man has his stuff together - he has a good job, a nice home, his health, likes to travel, etc... Women will be very interested in dating this man. When my mom passed away, he had women calling him just a month or two after we lost my mom... I was shocked! But not shocked, because I know how hard it is to find a great man!

 

ZA dater, I'm sorry that you feel so discouraged. Perhaps you are right, you need to take a break from dating if you are just that frustrated. I don't disagree.

 

Just stay open to the idea... If you are a good guy, if you have your stuff together... You just never know what will happen. Don't give up entirely...

[NJ123]

Then stop focusing on desperately getting a girlfriend and focus on bettering yourself in order to make yourself a more attractive full package. Doing that will raise your own number of options.

 

I'd rather date a guy with no experience who has a decent job and doesn't live with his parents than an experienced guy with a menial job who does. And no, I'm not a gold digger, but I've seen how much pressure it puts on a person to be the sole breadwinner as well as a wife and mother. I don't need to be rich but I do need to feel secure. I'm pretty certain that most women feel this way, which is why we are all putting so much emphasis on this.

 

Other than that, you keep focusing on the wrong things. Looks and experience are far less important to most women than confidence and security. I'm sure you're fine looking but something about you is obviously putting people off. If you've been rejected that many times then it's you, not the rest of the world. Figure out what's putting women off besides height and work on that along with beginning your career. The dating world is not going to change that much in a few years. Catch up everywhere else first.

 

So you genuinely don't think women will care about me being inexperienced if I get a better job/lived on my own? I just always hear about how a lot of women are turned off since the woman feels like that nobody wants to be with him. And how women don't want to teach a guy how to have sex like he's 18 years old or something.

[Moves Like Jagger]

So you genuinely don't think women will care about me being inexperienced if I get a better job/lived on my own? I just always hear about how a lot of women are turned off since the woman feels like that nobody wants to be with him. And how women don't want to teach a guy how to have sex like he's 18 years old or something.

 

 

People here have already answered your question multiple times. I don't know what's the point of asking the same question over and over again. You're just going in circles.

 

 

You never gave the answer about why you choose not to meet women outside of the Internet. As someone earlier in the thread said, your non-answer indicates that it is due to social awkwardness. I'm curious how your acquaintances and coworkers would describe you.

 

 

One of my friends is kind of similar to you. He still lives with his parents. Even though he has a degree, he still has a low-paying job. He is really quiet. He won't talk unless someone speaks to him first. For unknown reasons, he refuses to try Meetup or any social groups. The guy chooses not to invest in himself, as he does not wear nice clothes nor go to the gym. Instead of looking at himself, he blames women for his problems.

[ZA Dater]

Women might appear to have more "options" as men are typically more aggressive in sending messages, etc, however a lot of women will lament the lack of viable options; men that they actually want to date and can, and not some schmoe with nothing going for him and nothing interesting to write or say about himself. Women might experience the same problem. I disregard at least 90% of the OLD attention I get just because the girl doesn't interest me in whatever way.

 

The fundamental problem is that people on the whole just aren't that impressive in an OLD scenario, where people are seeking the best they can get and continually having their expectations tempered one way or the other. In a way it is a problem with lack of options -- but that lack of options is predicated on a lack of willingness of people to improve themselves (thinking that they're fine just the way they are, thinking that just having a profile regardless of quality warrants some attention) or figure out the most efficient ways to do OLD (like the link I posted in a previous post). Consider this analogy: think of everyone on a dating site as an "athlete" when there are a few olympians amongst the mix, and the other 97% are just people who played kickball at recess a few times 20 years ago.

 

I keep waiting for the day where the scrutiny that OLD puts people under inspires us all to "figure it out" and raise ourselves to the bar. To see that living in your mom's basement is not going to pique anyone's interest or that sending a message that just says "hi" is just going to get ignored for lack of effort.

 

But no, people rarely ever come to the conclusion that their lack of success could somehow be attributed to their shortcomings or lack of adaptation. Let's face it, we're all just a bunch of morons.

 

 

Absolutely true but how come its always the guys with shortcomings? I genuinely don't think there is anything wrong with me per se, yes I am not the normal sort of guy but I have never really had the opportunity to show who I am either, when I have chased I have thrown everything I know at it but my knowledge is limited.

 

 

The OP has that same fear.

[ZA Dater]

Agreed. It may look like women have more options but the number of viable options for women in OLD can feel very minimal...

 

I actually think men have more options. I have so many single friends who are such accomplished, lovely women... If a man has his stuff together - he has a good job, a nice home, his health, likes to travel, etc... Women will be very interested in dating this man. When my mom passed away, he had women calling him just a month or two after we lost my mom... I was shocked! But not shocked, because I know how hard it is to find a great man!

 

ZA dater, I'm sorry that you feel so discouraged. Perhaps you are right, you need to take a break from dating if you are just that frustrated. I don't disagree.

 

Just stay open to the idea... If you are a good guy, if you have your stuff together... You just never know what will happen. Don't give up entirely...

 

I think self analysis is an important part of life, its about making oneself better and unfortunately when I look at myself I know what I can do, I know the person I am, I know my enormous ability to care, ability to support, ability to listen and the pragmatic honesty I seem to possess. Its easy to take rejection and beat oneself up. Yes, I cant flirt, yes I am not the most charming guy but those inabilities don't make me or anyone else a bad person.

 

 

Over emphasis on trivial things like height has no benefit. I have been lucky once to experience for 2 hours the very best part of an intellectual conversation and very real attraction, it was a gift to experience and once you have experienced it, its the only thing you ever want. Unfortunately some people speak to your soul and others don't, they can be models, they can be successful but within each of us there is that middle ground, that utopia, that person who is exceptional all around without being magnificent. I have experienced that briefly and its something amazing, its worth the rejection I think, those hours wiped away a lot of the bad but like rising damp the bad does come back. Ultimately you hang onto the good memory because for just a time I saw how incredible it can be.

 

 

If you are lucky enough to experience that often then you experience to me one of the finest experiences in life.

[normal person]

Absolutely true but how come its always the guys with shortcomings?

 

They have plenty, and their challenges are different from that of a typical man's. Whereas men typically give attention to the women they want and struggle to receive it back, women more often struggle to receive attention from the men they want, or even struggle to get it back when they decide they have no other option but to have to be proactive themselves and give it. Also consider that in this climate where people are constantly saying "women have tons of options," not being able to get a guy she wants even if she makes the first move could be seen as horrifically embarrassing for a woman. Women just have different problems, it doesn't mean they're any less valid.

 

I genuinely don't think there is anything wrong with me per se, yes I am not the normal sort of guy but I have never really had the opportunity to show who I am either, when I have chased I have thrown everything I know at it but my knowledge is limited.

 

 

The OP has that same fear.

 

The technology of OLD is still limited. All you can do is write about yourself and show pictures. That only tells a fraction of what someone's like. When it evolves to the point where you can see videos of someone and/or video chat with them through the site, I think that will solve a lot of these issues.

[NJ123]

They have plenty, and their challenges are different from that of a typical man's. Whereas men typically give attention to the women they want and struggle to receive it back, women more often struggle to receive attention from the men they want, or even struggle to get it back when they decide they have no other option but to have to be proactive themselves and give it. Also consider that in this climate where people are constantly saying "women have tons of options," not being able to get a guy she wants even if she makes the first move could be seen as horrifically embarrassing for a woman. Women just have different problems, it doesn't mean they're any less valid.

 

 

 

The technology of OLD is still limited. All you can do is write about yourself and show pictures. That only tells a fraction of what someone's like. When it evolves to the point where you can see videos of someone and/or video chat with them through the site, I think that will solve a lot of these issues.

 

I agree with that. The thing is people judge others strictly on how they look on the dating sites. If they don't like the way their pictures look than they won't even get to the step of even getting to chat with them. But I agree it would be cool to have a video chat option on these sites. I can see that being the future of online dating. Where it's almost exclusively video chatting instead of texting.

[PrettyEmily77]

I agree with that. The thing is people judge others strictly on how they look on the dating sites. If they don't like the way their pictures look than they won't even get to the step of even getting to chat with them. But I agree it would be cool to have a video chat option on these sites. I can see that being the future of online dating. Where it's almost exclusively video chatting instead of texting.

 

You can already do that. Without the video part. In real life.

 

If OLD is no good to you (because shallow, entitled princesses / not fair) then, you know, why do OLD?

[NJ123]

Video chatting won't go anywhere. It will just be a bunch of dudes tryin to show women their penis.

 

Yeah, that's a good point. But if they do it they should be banned from ever going back on with IP address ban to make people not do it.

[AMJ]

Video chatting won't go anywhere. It will just be a bunch of dudes tryin to show women their penis.

 

Truth. :laugh:

 

What a nightmare! I will never survive the future.