After 20 years I Came Clean

[Dis]

Tonight I was at my parents house, my mom was blaming me for problems between my sister and I....this is nothing new

 

And I blurted it out....I told my mom that my sister and my dad had physically abused me when I was was a kid. Only took my 20 years later to admit it. My dad and sister were great at committing the abuse when my mom wasnt home. I was always too scared to tell her. I also thought it normal in a strange way.

 

My mom was shocked. She cried, so did I. I thought she knew some of it, I thought I had tried to tell her....or maybe she saw some signs when I was a kid. She hugged me and told me she was so sorry and that her job was to protect me and she failed. Please dont get the wrong idea...my mom was there for me during a health crisis which lasted about 10 years...she saved my life countless times. But I guess she really didnt know

 

I feel awful for saying anything. I didnt mean to. It just flew out of my mouth. My mom says shes going to have to reevaluate her relationships with my sister and my dad and she doesnt know she'll ever forgive them. My mom suffers from depression so I'm worried this new information is going to be really hard on her

 

My dad called me and I told him what happened. We have a great relationship now....but he really disappointed me. He said I shouldnt have said anything because my mom is fragile right now and the abuse from my sister couldnt have been that bad because he never saw any signs...It felt like a slap in the face

 

I started lashing out physically at my sister 7 years after she started to abuse me...which my family knew about and I have apologised and tried to right those wrongs countless times

 

I'm sorry for this poorly written post. I've been crying all night...kind of reliving things

 

Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated. I've put the abuse behind me but it feels fresh now and I'm worried for my mom

Edited September 14, 2016 by Disillusionment373

[jen1447]

Hugs boo.

[GemmaUK]

((Big hugs)) I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

Are you aware whether your Dad was ever abusive in anyway to your Mum?

Are they still together or split/divorced?

This might be a turning point for your Mum knowing about this - most especially if she suffered any abuse. Much as she will feel bad for not protecting you if she suffered abuse too then it makes it less about her and so much more about him.

 

Yeah, that was a total slap in the face from your Dad - sorry, I feel furious he said that to you to be honest.

[sooshi]

Hugs and love to you, sweetie.

[Dis]

((Big hugs)) I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

Are you aware whether your Dad was ever abusive in anyway to your Mum?

Are they still together or split/divorced?

This might be a turning point for your Mum knowing about this - most especially if she suffered any abuse. Much as she will feel bad for not protecting you if she suffered abuse too then it makes it less about her and so much more about him.

 

Yeah, that was a total slap in the face from your Dad - sorry, I feel furious he said that to you to be honest.

 

Thanks so much for your response GemmaUK

 

My Dad didnt abuse my Mom or my sister. His anger was only directed at me. I wondered as a kid, why he was always so angry at me. I blamed myself for my sister's and father's actions, thats probably why I never said anything. the abuse from my older sister was worse than the abuse from my dad...we have a terrible relationship to this day

 

My parents are still married. What really worries me is my Mom and Dad's relationship is on the rocks, they almost got a divorce about 9 months ago. I'm so worried this is going to be the straw that breaks the camal's back. I really really wish I didnt say anything

 

I'm furious with my Dad too. He's changed alot but not as much as I'd hoped. Once he comes home in a day or two, hes going to see how mad my mom is. How devastated she is. I dont know that they can get through this. I'll never forgive myself if I end up being the cause of the end of their marriage

[jen1447]

What kind of abuse was this if I can ask, and how severe? I know you've gotten yourself right w it but if your dad and sister are actually appalling human beings, I think you'd want your mom to be rid of them, not to protect her marriage.

[Dis]

What kind of abuse was this if I can ask, and how severe? I know you've gotten yourself right w it but if your dad and sister are actually appalling human beings, I think you'd want your mom to be rid of them, not to protect her marriage.

 

My Dad never flat out hit me, he would push me against the wall while grabbing my shoulders, shaking me and screaming in my face. He picked me up and through me into my bedroom wall once. It was alot of grabbing and screaming. I would get so scared I'd pee my pants and say, "I'm sorry" over and over until he let me go. Then I'd run to my room

 

My sister was worse, she used to hit me with an open hand, throw things at me, chase me, I'd pee my pants, then I'd run to my room and lock the door. My bedroom door had one of those push locks. Once I locked myself in my room she'd straighten a hanger, stick the hanger through the hole in the door knob and unlock the door, then she'd come in and hit me again. She did this so much that after the first few years the lock on my door broke. I would have to hold to lock down from inside my room with such force my thumb would turn white

 

I told my mom all of this. They still live in the same house, and the lock on my old bedroom door is still broken

 

My Dad has changed alot, besides his reponse to me on the phone, hes done a 180....he's a great father now and he deserves another chance

 

My sister on the other hand, is still the broken, dysfunctional person she always was. She has never admitted or even acknowledged what she did to me. In fact shes done the opposite. As I mentioned, I started to lash out at her 7 years after she started to abuse me. Since then she has made my actions the center of scrutiny while everything she did was left in the dark...never spoken about. I know she's my sister but she is a truly cruel person that I try to keep out of my life as much as possible. If my mom now harbors resentments against my sister...I couldnt care less. Its about time she's held accountible for what she did and the kind of person she is

 

I cant tell you how much I distest my sister

[GemmaUK]

Stop and think about two things and take time to really think them through:

 

1. If you were your Mum - no matter what - would you prefer to know?

 

2. Have you ever considered that your sister might have been first in the firing line for receiving this kind of abuse?

 

Have you yourself had any therapy for this at all?

[jen1447]

Yeah you have no obligation to protect their secrets. That's what abusive ppl count on to get by a lot of the time - either fear or shame-based confidentiality.

 

If you've reconnected w your dad in a diff light w him changing for the better that's cool, but personally I'd always keep him at arm's length anyway, and if his a-hole past catches up to him by whatever means, so be it. He has to own it like everyone else.

 

As for your sister ....grrr, let's just say I wish I was a RL friend right now bc she'd be getting a special visit in the near future.

[Dis]

Stop and think about two things and take time to really think them through:

 

1. If you were your Mum - no matter what - would you prefer to know?

 

2. Have you ever considered that your sister might have been first in the firing line for receiving this kind of abuse?

 

Have you yourself had any therapy for this at all?

 

Good points GemmaUK.

 

If I were in my mom's shoes I would want to know for sure. Its not that I dont want her to know what happened....I just dont want her to blame herself for my dad's and sister's actions...its wasnt her fault. She is also having a hard time lately so I just dont want this to make things worse for her..but I know it will. This is a horrible thing for her to find out...I guess she just has to process it in her own way

 

I never saw my Dad lay a hand on my sister, I'm 3 years younger than her so unless he abused her before I was able to recognize it, I'm pretty sure she never experienced what I did. My Dad and my sister are alot alike....they understand each other....they actually imperically agree with each other on everything

 

I've had alot of therapy starting from a young age. I'm also in therapy now. I've healed from my Dad's abuse but I've stuffed my Sister's abuse deep into the recesses of my mind...I think its hard to heal when the root cause (my sister) hasnt changed at all, or even admitted to anything. She's actually done the opposite of mending fences, shes very manipulative, for the past 20 years she's covered up her wrong doings and exposed and dissected mine, turning my parents against me to some degree...I wish I could rid her from my life

[Dis]

Yeah you have no obligation to protect their secrets. That's what abusive ppl count on to get by a lot of the time - either fear or shame-based confidentiality.

 

If you've reconnected w your dad in a diff light w him changing for the better that's cool, but personally I'd always keep him at arm's length anyway, and if his a-hole past catches up to him by whatever means, so be it. He has to own it like everyone else.

 

As for your sister ....grrr, let's just say I wish I was a RL friend right now bc she'd be getting a special visit in the near future.

 

Thanks for the reply girly

 

My Dad actually apologised to me last night, for what he did. I was shocked. He never apologises for anything...neither does my sister. He was defending my sisters actions not really his...still not ok but he's made progress

 

And thanks! I'd be happy to take you up on that! lol Ya my sister is.....I know this is going to sound dramatic but....I actually consider her to be evil to a certain degree. Not in a religious sense but her cruelty, manipulation, and cold personality makes her appear to be almost inhuman in my eyes. She has shifted every ounce of the blame onto me for the past 2 decades...she has turned my parents against me many times. She's almost devoid of emotion except for her own feelings about herself. I'm dealing with a very sick person

[Dis]

My mom called me today

 

I thought she might take the information I gave her and put it on the back burner considering I've always been the scape goat in the family (due to my sisters manipulation) but instead she says shes going to therapy and is going to take my Dad with her. I was so happy to hear that!

 

She said she talked to her psych clincian and she said that secrets keep families sick, and that I'm much healthier mentally than my sister. My mom doesnt have much hope for my sister, in terms of her acknowleding what she did.

 

My Mom told me that she's proud of me for telling her and that made me almost cry

 

I have hope that my mom, dad and I can get through this but I dont have any hope for my sister...that bridge has been burned to the ground countless times...she's truly toxic

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I mean this with no sarcasm at all, I'm being as serious as you are of your religion,

Why haven't you tried a Wiccan spell to help yourself prior to your decision?

[Dis]

I mean this with no sarcasm at all, I'm being as serious as you are of your religion,

Why haven't you tried a Wiccan spell to help yourself prior to your decision?

 

I missed your rhymes!

 

I actually was thinking of doing a harmony spell

 

Sometimes when I need magic the most, I forget its there for me

 

Thanks for the reminder DrReply

[AMJ]

Sweet Dis, I am so so sorry to hear this. Sending a huge hug from CA <3

 

I'm glad your mom was receptive and seems to be working through it. I'm wondering, since you kept this from her for so long, if you had an intention for telling her now? I know you say it just came out and wasn't planned to tell her, but what do you hope to come from this?

[Dis]

Sweet Dis, I am so so sorry to hear this. Sending a huge hug from CA <3

 

I'm glad your mom was receptive and seems to be working through it. I'm wondering, since you kept this from her for so long, if you had an intention for telling her now? I know you say it just came out and wasn't planned to tell her, but what do you hope to come from this?

 

Thank you so much AMJ, that mean alot

 

Over the past 15+ years my sister has done alot of damage, she's manipulated my parents, and somehow managed to place the blame of our family issues on me. She's incredibly intelligent....she's calculating. Last night my mom was laying into me about my problems with my sister, blaming me, so even though I didnt intend on telling her, I was trying to help her see that I'm a symptom of the problem and that the real problems lie else where. I always found it so ironic that me (the abused family member) has always taken the 100% of the blame while the abusers (my sister and my dad) have never taken any accountability for their actions

 

I thought I had tried to tell my mom before, but I guess I didnt get through to her until now. I feel vindicated after being villainized for so long despite the fact I was the victim

[AMJ]

That's really good, that you feel better just by setting the record straight. I was only concerned if you had expectations that their dysfunctional behavior would change as a result of this new news because....sick people tend not to want to change easily.

[Dis]

That's really good, that you feel better just by setting the record straight. I was only concerned if you had expectations that their dysfunctional behavior would change as a result of this new news because....sick people tend not to want to change easily.

 

I've learned alot about people in my 30 years....one of those lessons was people dont change...and you're right...that esp goes for sick people. I dont expect anything different from my sister or really my dad...but I know I can count on my mom

[GemmaUK]

I should have come back here sooner - my apologies for not doing so before now.

 

You have done the absolute right thing by telling your Mum this.

She is one strong lady IMO. It doesn't sound like she has freaked - she is taking your dad to counselling - so taking it in her stride.

 

She's always been there for you - she will be and she can deal with this. Trust her.

 

You have one hell of a Mum Dis!

 

Much as this story is so sad I am so happy for you. You are a lucky lady and I think so is she to have you as a daughter.

[Dis]

I should have come back here sooner - my apologies for not doing so before now.

 

You have done the absolute right thing by telling your Mum this.

She is one strong lady IMO. It doesn't sound like she has freaked - she is taking your dad to counselling - so taking it in her stride.

 

She's always been there for you - she will be and she can deal with this. Trust her.

 

You have one hell of a Mum Dis!

 

Much as this story is so sad I am so happy for you. You are a lucky lady and I think so is she to have you as a daughter.

 

That was one of the nicest things I've ever heard anyone say to me Thank you so much Gemma

 

My mom is the strongest person I know, and tbh this is far from the most difficult thing she has experienced...she really does have tremendous strength...I like to think I take after her in that sense and many others too

 

I saw her a few days ago and she said something that truly touched my heart. She said she understood why I lashed out at my sister when I was a teenager, she said she knows now that I was just trying to take the target sign off my back....she validated so many things that I thought would never be understood by anyone in my family. It made me cry

 

Thanks so much for your encouraging reply Gemma. I'll be sure to post updates

[GemmaUK]

That was one of the nicest things I've ever heard anyone say to me Thank you so much Gemma

Sorry, but I have to disagree with your comment above.

 

Reason being is your comment below is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you. She's thought about it, remembered and is putting the pieces together. That must mean the world to you. She really understands ((hugs))

 

She said she understood why I lashed out at my sister when I was a teenager, she said she knows now that I was just trying to take the target sign off my back....she validated so many things that I thought would never be understood by anyone in my family. It made me cry

[Dis]

Sorry, but I have to disagree with your comment above.

 

Reason being is your comment below is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you. She's thought about it, remembered and is putting the pieces together. That must mean the world to you. She really understands ((hugs))

 

You are very correct It really did mean the world to me

 

She's still processing things right now, which is all understandable...meanwhile I'm remembering lots of things I've long since forgotten...disturbing memories of the abuse

 

Is it normal for old memories to resurface? I feel like I'm reliving things now

[benpom]

I started lashing out physically at my sister 7 years after she started to abuse me...which my family knew about and I have apologised and tried to right those wrongs countless times

 

OP, I can see that you have suffered a lot and I feel sorry for your pain.

 

Sounds like your sister bullied you. Is bullying considered 'abuse'? I guess it is. You mentioned about 'lashing out physically'?

[Dis]

OP, I can see that you have suffered a lot and I feel sorry for your pain.

 

Sounds like your sister bullied you. Is bullying considered 'abuse'? I guess it is. You mentioned about 'lashing out physically'?

 

Thanks for your reply

 

She was emotionally and verbally abusive too...I was very intimidated by her...but what she did wasnt bullying...it was abuse

 

7 years after my sister started to physically abuse me, she came into me room one day and smacked me across the face for using her phone....something inside me just snapped...I had had enough...I punched her repeatedly....she called the cops...I got arrested...I was 14.

 

I always found it ironic that I was the one who ended up getting arrested for assault, I tried to call the police on my dad and sister many times, the phone was grabbed away from me and my sister told me if I called the police she'd kill me. I did manage to call 9-11 on my dad once, when the police showed up at the door my dad told them I was "playing with the phone and that everything was fine" I stood at the top of the stairs which were directly in front of the door, I was crying...hoping the police would see me...I couldnt bring myself to say "Help". I was only 8. After they left I shut myself in my room until my mom got home

[benpom]

7 years after my sister started to physically abuse me, she came into me room one day and smacked me across the face for using her phone....something inside me just snapped...I had had enough...I punched her repeatedly....she called the cops...I got arrested...I was 14.

 

It's quite unfortunate that the victim sometimes is the one to get in trouble, like you. People sometimes just keep pushing others until they snap, then the pushers victimize themselves and blame others for being 'emotionally unstable' 'violent' etc.