After 20 years I Came Clean

[Dis]

It's quite unfortunate that the victim sometimes is the one to get in trouble, like you. People sometimes just keep pushing others until they snap, then the pushers victimize themselves and blame others for being 'emotionally unstable' 'violent' etc.

 

Ya thats actually exactly what happened...thats exactly what she did

 

I talked to my therapist about my sister and she asked if my sister had ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder. I went home and did some research on it and was shocked at how my sister's behaviors aligned with traits of personality disorders

 

My sister is highly manipulative, cold, critical, emotionally unstable, emotionally detached from others, self absorbed, narcissistic, pretentious, was physically, emotionally and verbally abuse even as a child...etc etc

 

After my Dad would lose his temper with me when I was little, my sister would open the door to my room....and stand there with a sly smirk on her face, like it gave her pleasure to see that happen to me....she wouldnt say anything, then she'd just walk away after awhile. She was a kid herself! What child does something like that?

 

She is a truly and deeply disturbed individual

[getsmartie]

Hugs to you too. But can I say you are so lucky to have a mom that cares so much for your feelings.

 

I just started a thread about my own mom. Telling her at 18 that my brother had molested me repeatedly as a child. Her response was anything but supportive and in fact blamed me....also saying boys will be boys. Sigh!

 

Thank your mom for being so supportive. Reading that almost put a tear in my eye.

[MissCongeniality]

I doubt the mom was completely ignorant. I know something about being on the receiving and giving end of abuse. I use to get beaten by my Dad a lot one day he always said he was teaching us all respect. One day though my younger sister ticked him off I came to her defense so he said if I "punished" her instead he'd leave her alone my Dad is easy to upset so you can imagine how frequently this was. Eventually and I don't even know how this happened but it got to the point where he didn't need to make I just started blaming her for putting me in that position and I would just punish her for the smallest things. Look I'm a despicable human being but I do love my little sister. The point I am making is try talking to her because maybe without showing it she carries a lot of self hate.

[Miss Clavel]

I doubt the mom was completely ignorant. I know something about being on the receiving and giving end of abuse. I use to get beaten by my Dad a lot one day he always said he was teaching us all respect. One day though my younger sister ticked him off I came to her defense so he said if I "punished" her instead he'd leave her alone my Dad is easy to upset so you can imagine how frequently this was. Eventually and I don't even know how this happened but it got to the point where he didn't need to make I just started blaming her for putting me in that position and I would just punish her for the smallest things. Look I'm a despicable human being but I do love my little sister. The point I am making is try talking to her because maybe without showing it she carries a lot of self hate.

 

there is an old saying, in situations with physical abuse. "the **** always rolls downhill". and that's what happened. once you see it done, you learn it and then you teach it.

 

break the cycle.

[preraph]

I'm so sorry. But you were right to let it out and tell your mom. Listen, I don't want to throw her under the bus, but she knows those two people better than anyone and must have had an inkling and chose to let it go. Probably didn't know how bad it got.

 

Hey, maybe this will take her mind off her depression or give it a focus. Not your problem.

 

My sister was mean to me too and my mom only scolded her once for it when she found me tied up in the backyard. She wasn't as bad as yours though.

 

You have every right to get this out in the open. And be careful of trusting your dad. He did all that to you and the reason he probably isn't anymore is because you're grown and he's a coward and he doesn't want to get in trouble for it. But you should tell him off good one of these days and get it off your chest.

[Miss Clavel]

my older sister was a bully. she did hit me. she would make me walk behind her, she didn't want to be seen with me.

 

our mom used to tell her "e.n. is growing up, she will be taller than you. you won't get away with it much longer".

 

which begs the question, now i think about it, why didn't our mom belt the crap out of betty and make her stop?

 

anyway, one day we were both trying to get into the only bathroom and she started hitting me. trying to push past me, cuz it didn't matter that i was there first. and i pulled back my fist and punched the **** out of her, so hard she sat down on her ass, splitting the back seam of her skirt up to the waist, peeing on herself in the process. i went in the bathroom and not only locked the door, but leaned on it as well.

 

she never touched me again but for years after, if i came to close to her, she'd flinch.

 

and until i punched my wasband, repeatedly, i've never hit anyone else.

[Dis]

Things havent been going well

 

My parents have always favored my sister which is causing problems now

 

My mom refuses to deal with the situation. I felt like when I told her about the abuse, I had ripped open a wound and she just left me there to bleed. She says its between my sister and I and she wont get invloved. Everything I have done to my sister since the abuse, has been dissected and picked apart. I have been punised, shamed etc. Now my sister faces 0 consequences because she "doesnt remember" anything...so apparently...it didnt happen. When I came clean about my sister abusing me, my mom told me she'd go to counsoling with my dad. That never happened. She told me I was brave for telling her and now....she has turned her back on me. Nothing was ever talked about/resolved. Now when I mention the elephant in the room my mom gets angry and shuts down

 

My Dad, he accuses me of fabricating the abuse and of "tearing the family apart". He said it wasnt as bad as I said it was. He yelled at me today and told me to "type up my memories of the abuse in a word document" and if I didnt do that, he would know for sure I was lying

 

My sister told my mom she's uncomfortable having Christmas as a family after the argument we had back in August. Knowing how important Christmas was to my mom and dad I arranged a phone call with my sister to make peace. During the phone call my sister gas lighted me, insulted me etc etc. So I finally set some boundaries for my mental health and told my parents I would not be attending Christmas dinner

 

Everything is a mess. My mom is hurt by my reasonable expression of how this situation has been dealt with. She is suffering with her paper cut and I am on the floor from multiple gun shot wounds while my parents stand there and twidle their thumbs

[DrReplyInRhymes]

What do you think should come from this whole situation. In an ideal world, how you would like to see this debacle fixed?

[Miss Clavel]

Things havent been going well

 

My parents have always favored my sister which is causing problems now

 

My mom refuses to deal with the situation. I felt like when I told her about the abuse, I had ripped open a wound and she just left me there to bleed. She says its between my sister and I and she wont get invloved. Everything I have done to my sister since the abuse, has been dissected and picked apart. I have been punised, shamed etc. Now my sister faces 0 consequences because she "doesnt remember" anything...so apparently...it didnt happen. When I came clean about my sister abusing me, my mom told me she'd go to counsoling with my dad. That never happened. She told me I was brave for telling her and now....she has turned her back on me. Nothing was ever talked about/resolved. Now when I mention the elephant in the room my mom gets angry and shuts down

 

My Dad, he accuses me of fabricating the abuse and of "tearing the family apart". He said it wasnt as bad as I said it was. He yelled at me today and told me to "type up my memories of the abuse in a word document" and if I didnt do that, he would know for sure I was lying

 

My sister told my mom she's uncomfortable having Christmas as a family after the argument we had back in August. Knowing how important Christmas was to my mom and dad I arranged a phone call with my sister to make peace. During the phone call my sister gas lighted me, insulted me etc etc. So I finally set some boundaries for my mental health and told my parents I would not be attending Christmas dinner

 

Everything is a mess. My mom is hurt by my reasonable expression of how this situation has been dealt with. She is suffering with her paper cut and I am on the floor from multiple gun shot wounds while my parents stand there and twidle their thumbs

 

careful, i've spent many many thanksgivings without my children.

 

why can't you just have it out with your sister, are you afraid of her?

 

i think when you hear someone say, "i don't remember", their "had", they do remember and they're guilty and embarrassed.

 

what do you want now? do you want an apology?

[Dis]

careful, i've spent many many thanksgivings without my children.

 

why can't you just have it out with your sister, are you afraid of her?

 

i think when you hear someone say, "i don't remember", their "had", they do remember and they're guilty and embarrassed.

 

what do you want now? do you want an apology?

 

I hear what you're saying. Thing have just gotten so heated between my family and I, I think we all need a breather...I dont know that spending the holidays is a good idea...because....I will want to obliterate my sister with my bare hands. I WANT to have it out with her. She is scared of me. Not the other way around. But my parents would be devasted if I even had a verbal confrontation with her...never mind to do her what I really want to do

 

I dont know what I want to come from this situation. I'm not going to lie...a part of me wants my parents to see my sister for the ugly person she is....the sister that smirked at her younger sister after she got choked against a wall by their father....the sister that spread vicious rumors about her younger sister....the sister that left brusies on her younger sisters arms. I want my parents to see how evil she is and cast her out of the family. But of course....I know this will never happen....my sister is still my parent's child no matter how maleficent she is....my parents just refuse to see it

 

I'm just really confused. I've been reliving the abuse ever since I told my mom about it. I've been having nightmares. I lashed out at my parents last night in a big way. I screamed at them. My mom is furious at me now and worried about me. I just havent been myself. I dont know if any of this is normal for an abuse victim 20 years after the fact

[Miss Clavel]

just hang in there then and avoid them and her. after i lost my mom i didn't go to her funeral because i was afraid of what i might do to my sister, in front of everyone and my mom didn't deserve that.

 

you have no power, you won't get any amends from her or your mom. you sister has no motive to change. if she was the one that was losing out on the holidays it might force her to "own" what's she done.

 

as it is, if it were me, i'd plan something else. on my own. we have a tradition down here of going to the zoo on christmas morning, the moment it opens. come home, eat, doze, read. then the orphans get dressed up and go visit their father's side of the family and i'm left on my own till time for work the next day.

 

just figure something out. don't get caught out.

 

make it known that until the family "owns" what happened you will be making yourself scarce.

 

my sister had reached out a couple of times to make amends for what she did to me but i'm not having it. we're done.

 

good luck

[Dis]

just hang in there then and avoid them and her. after i lost my mom i didn't go to her funeral because i was afraid of what i might do to my sister, in front of everyone and my mom didn't deserve that.

 

you have no power, you won't get any amends from her or your mom. you sister has no motive to change. if she was the one that was losing out on the holidays it might force her to "own" what's she done.

 

as it is, if it were me, i'd plan something else. on my own. we have a tradition down here of going to the zoo on christmas morning, the moment it opens. come home, eat, doze, read. then the orphans get dressed up and go visit their father's side of the family and i'm left on my own till time for work the next day.

 

just figure something out. don't get caught out.

 

make it known that until the family "owns" what happened you will be making yourself scarce.

 

my sister had reached out a couple of times to make amends for what she did to me but i'm not having it. we're done.

 

good luck

 

This is great advice and summarizes things well

 

You're right, my sister has no reason to change or own the things she did because my parents constantly pacify her, enable her and condone her behavior

 

Like you said, all I want is my family to own what was done to me....and if that doesnt happen...I wont be around

 

My Mom, wants her cake. She wants me to put on a happy face and pretend like nothing happened so we can have family Christmas. I've done that for 20 years...I'm not doing it anymore

 

I've made plans with a friend, who ironically wont be attending her family's Christmas dinner because of her feelings towards her own sister. Its going to be a really good time. I'm excited

 

And like you said, even if my sister did apologize for what she's done...it would be like putting a bandaid over a bullet wound so...I dont see us ever reconciling...I'm done too

 

The current problem is what happened the other night. I blew up at my parents. I just lost it. My Mom is furious/deeply hurt/worried. We're not speaking and we wont for awhile. My Mom is appalled, I dont think she'll ever forgive me. She isnt sensitive towards me and my expression of my feelings even thought they're justified. But if I do something that hurts her...she never lets it go. Its all just gotten really ugly...I dont know where to go from here

[Miss Clavel]

send her a card? just say you are sorry for your "outburst" and sorry that you won't be able to spend time with her on christmas day because you are "uncomfortable" being around your sister and your father. because that's the truth.

 

then, before you close, ask her out to lunch on another day, if you can have a convo with her that doesn't include the past or her failings toward you.

 

keep it light, look towards the future and express the hope that it will include her and you going forward.

 

i learned that you can only bury things that are dead, if they are not dead, they wiggle around under there and take up our attention.

 

you've dug it up, faced it and now, put it to rest, where it can lie, away, quietly.

 

the spirit of christmas is one of birth, new beginnings.

 

don't look back, you aren't going that way.