It's so hard to make a decision should I just separate for good and start healing?

[Mrsdaphne]

I love my husband and I do wish we could stay together and for it all to work out but I cannot continue to be verbally abused, neglected, barely responded to. We have sex 0-3 times per month which I have to initiate.... By the way I do the majority of work in bed. Everything I have written I have had lengthy discussions and arguments about but it barely changes.

When he's drinking he's extremely abusive verbally and obnoxious, he promises me he will change but after a couple weeks he's back to either getting drunk and verbally abusing me or ignoring me and barely having a conversation.

I didn't realize he left me so unfulfilled.

Recently he over drank and was verbally abusing me and bringing up my personal past hurts and failures telling me I should be lucky to be with him because he's loyal and has never cheated and he's no a pedophile.

Let me say before marrying him I was married for five years to a pedophile and didn't know... During fights he always says stuff like what are you upset about I'm not molesting your kids or cheating on you.

I'll start talking about my faults I have a very bad temper, many times when he has verbally abused me I have slapped him in the face or threatened him to stop or else.

I have tried to change and will continue working on my anger, however I feel he provokes me and not just for hours but days and I finally lose it.

I have stopped responding physically to his abuse and recently I called the police during one of his drunken episodes I just couldn't take it, I also called my MIL who basically told him "I told you not to marry this girl, this is the type of person you want who calls the police". I just needed him gone I didn't want the children to keep seeing the arguing or him handling our youngest and only child together while being completely smashed.

The cops came and had him leave,he's back home with his folks I see my husband twice a week when he visits the children but he considers us still together but taking a break.

I told him I need him to get help for his drinking, his response is I don't have a drinking problem I just get a lil crazy when I do drink.

I told him I need to feel loved and not neglected either or I won't stay in this marriage.

I asked him what was a reasonable time to take this break when was he thinking we move back in together, he responded next year but he wants to spend time and overnights.

When he said that I feel like he's not taking this break seriously... Everyday I feel alone when he's here and now that he's gone I'm still alone but left with anger. He says the reason for the long break is now that he's home he doesn't want to appear weak and just leave.... I am not wanting him here right now... I wanted to try again when he is getting help and working on addressing some of my concerns, all he says when I try to address the issues that drove me to call the police is " I am changed now". I am really feeling it's time to set some boundaries and call it a separation.

I'm due to open a business in the new year and move into a new house.... He wants to move in once I move into a new house... That's another thing I feel like everything is great when I pay all the bills and do all the work without complaining ... Since May he has had to step up on his finances and he has bitched and moaned the whole time, from May- September he has been helping with the finances before that he wasn't required to help i made more money so for the last six years he's had to give me less than 3000 towards bills.

The reason for this change is I'm still on maternity leave our baby is not even 1 yet.

So many issues, I'm just wondering if I'll be happier throwing in the towel and working on myself and children.

[Jeff1690]

Mrsdaphne You should not remain in a relationship with any type of abuse. I understand he pushes you for days and you have slapped him. Maybe he deserves it, however that is not a great example for the kids. Of course neither is being an abusive drunk.

 

You have told him what you feel the problem is. He has neither tried to solve the problem or showed you any respect as his wife.

 

My suggestion if he will not get help for his abusive personality and drinking is dump him. Give him a time frame to start getting help. You can't give him a time limit on healing. But, as long as he is trying stay with it and try to fix the marriage.

 

if he does not meet the time frame to get help file for divorce. The process can be stopped if you want. If you still love him and you get divorced and he goes and gets help you can always get remarried. But do not raise your children in that environment it is not good for them or you.

[Lowrider93]

No free rides, if he doesn't want to contribute to the relationship in a positive way, then what do you have that's worth saving.

 

If he doesn't admit that he has a drinking problem your not likely to see any change in his behavior.

 

It seems that there is dysfunction occurring by the both of you, not a healthy environment for your children, work on making changes that you have control over because you don't want to carry those bad habits into any possible future relationships.

 

Tired of playing foolish games.

 

Lay it on the line.

[BluesPower]

It so hard to deal with these types of things.

 

I am usually the stay married type, but in your case I think you need to file for divorce. He is not being a husband. He is just a drunk.

 

You really deserve better. Wouldn't be grate to have a man that actually took care of you and didn't mind working to support his family? Not to mention the meager sex life.

 

He could actually hurt the baby when he is drunk and you would never want that. If he has not admitted that he has a problem with drinking by now, he may never admit it.

 

I think it is time to move on.

[fivegrands]

I agree with other posters that you should not stay in an abusive relationship. However, I also believe that a marriage commitment should be very strong and not thrown out lightly. During this time of separation, you could both benefit from some counseling to work on your own issues, then marriage counseling together before ending the separation. Letting him come and go is not doing anyone any good. I hope your marriage can survive this rough spot, but nothing will change in the long run without outside help. Do you have a pastor or mature friend that can guide you to some professional help?