jen1447 Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 Jen, love you but, I work in/around law enforcement. No one ever gets prosecuted for this. I have seen people try it just is not worth the time. And while you may never have this issue, us mortals sometimes have to check up on our spouses. We hope that we find nothing but we usually do. I know that you hate this kind of thing, snooping and all, but it is kind of a reality sometimes. And you know I hate to disagree with you because I respect your opinion so much. It's a slippery slope to recommend someone break the law bc "no one ever gets prosecuted for it." (The SC laws were updated in 2002 btw, so it's not a case of archaic law that isn't prosecuted in practical terms today. Eavesdropping is very much a compelling concern in 2016.) I disagree about the likelihood of it - I'm associated w some LE too and I'm familiar w cases that were brought, but even absent criminal prosecution you're opening yourself up to significant civil liability. Who said I hate snooping btw? This isn't an ax-grinding anti-snoop agenda, I'm trying to help OP stay out of trouble. Bottom line is any spouse can check into their spouse if they have suspicions, but they should limit themselves to lawful and ethical measures and/or hire professionals to do it (who oftentimes aren't restricted to the same degree) if it's beyond their scope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ontos Posted September 15, 2016 Author Share Posted September 15, 2016 Thank you guys for all the insights and while some of it is tough to hear it is good for me. I've been using the VAR and paid to have her followed while out of town. I too thought b/c she was traveling, staying out and focused on her looks that she was cheating. After snooping for 3 months I've only heard her bitch about me and laugh about how I just have to "deal with her travel and going out, LOL". I guess I'm just hesitant to throw in the towel and hope that we will connect, but it's just never going to happen. Deep down we just aren't compatible and I should have ended it years ago. Such is life. Today she suggested we talk to her "life coach" who also does relationship counseling. She even said she would pay for it. WOW - that's never happened. I guess I'll talk to this lady - but I'm keeping my appointment with the lawyer. It's just really depressing to think that 20+ years is going down the tubes. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 So, is the wealth I've accumulated mine? From a legal standpoint, think you already know the answer to that question. It's just really depressing to think that 20+ years is going down the tubes. Going to guess that, besides your kids, you have many other good things, memories included, from the last 20 years. Hard to characterize it as a waste... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
AnnaTjacks Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 Have you two ever tried to get some type of counsel? I can't imagine being miserable for 21 years and just dealing with it every day. If I were you, I would sit down and have a talk with her. It takes two to make a marriage work and she must be willing too. I have been married for 26 years and all the years have not been perfect. One thing my husband and I have committed to do was talk about our problems and issues that we have with one another. At the very early stage of marriage, we had to go see a marriage counselor. I do wish you the best and I am saying a prayer for you. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 Jen, love you but, I work in/around law enforcement. No one ever gets prosecuted for this. I have seen people try it just is not worth the time. And while you may never have this issue, us mortals sometimes have to check up on our spouses. We hope that we find nothing but we usually do. I know that you hate this kind of thing, snooping and all, but it is kind of a reality sometimes. And you know I hate to disagree with you because I respect your opinion so much. Exactly that. No WS is going to court to claim BS caught them having and affair on a VAR. Imagine the headlines in the news. WS's do not want their affairs brought out into the open. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 (edited) Two points in this message. First, some poor sucker in Michigan in the process of divorce did get prosecuted for using a VAR or sound recording video camera. I'll have to look it up, and maybe he was foolish enough to do video revenge on line. M Second, more to the point here, let's say you lose 50% of your net worth in a divorce to Ms. Spendthrift. Assuming you can dodge the alimony bullet as courts look at earnings and earning potentials mostly, you will be able to accumulate 100% of future earnings less child support. You 401k will refill eventually and it will be all yours. Think long term. The more you accumulate before D, the more she gets. And she'll never lose her ability to spend your money if you remain married. And I guess point three. Too bad you lost that stash of cash gambling, isn't it? Or just some and spent the rest on lawyer fees. Ask without actually telling lawyer you didn't gamble. It's called a hypothetical question. Ask how courts treat lawyer fees versus predivorce assets. Could be he equivalent of a tax deduction which offsets your assets Edited September 16, 2016 by Bufo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 (edited) Thank you guys for all the insights and while some of it is tough to hear it is good for me. I've been using the VAR and paid to have her followed while out of town. I too thought b/c she was traveling, staying out and focused on her looks that she was cheating. After snooping for 3 months I've only heard her bitch about me and laugh about how I just have to "deal with her travel and going out, LOL". I guess I'm just hesitant to throw in the towel and hope that we will connect, but it's just never going to happen. Deep down we just aren't compatible and I should have ended it years ago. Such is life. Today she suggested we talk to her "life coach" who also does relationship counseling. She even said she would pay for it. WOW - that's never happened. I guess I'll talk to this lady - but I'm keeping my appointment with the lawyer. It's just really depressing to think that 20+ years is going down the tubes. I got a feeling that she's thinking that if you pull up stakes she's going to be missing living on Easy street. If you have to go see this life coach or what ever he is, then while your there, it would be time for you to lay your cards on the table and don't hold back. I'm not talking about the VAR but how she is with money and not caring when you call her on it, the sneaking with the credit cards and things like that. She has this idea that her money is hers and your money is hers too. This should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago but you let it slide and created this monster. But even though it should have been taken care of a long time ago before it got out of hand she still needs to know how you feel about it and the total lack of respect she shows by just doing what she wants and you pick up the tab. You need to let her know that this sort of thing has come to an end and if she continues down this road that it's over. Another thing. If she's trying to look young for everyone at work, I would let her know that she can do it for you too and I wouldn't pull any punches either. You put up with this for too long and she needs to know that she's walking a fine line. Put it in her lap and let her carry this problem for a while and you stick to your guns and put the whoa nelly on her over spending. Edited September 16, 2016 by bubbaganoosh Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 Video and audio recording is single party consent in public places(not bathrooms) in all states. End of story....Ohio vs Glick ended that debate. The same kind of recording in private residences is a whole different story, and you are subject to felonies if you are recording bathrooms and bedrooms...even in your own home. In cars, it depends on where they are at..public areas or private. Use the VAR as your own personal tool, but do not bring it up in court...it will be very dangerous as the prior poster stated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 We really need to start a dedicated VAR/surreptitious recording thread so we can discuss this properly .... I assume you're talking about Glik v Cunniffe (in MA), which specifically found that public officials like police officers have no expectation of privacy in public places and can be freely tape recorded (audio and video) carrying out their public duties. It doesn't apply to private citizens engaged in private business. I can't find any reference to 'Ohio vs. Glick.' Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 Seems like you have a 20+ year experience with a woman you're married to. She hasn't been a wife to you in a long time, if ever. The lying, disrespect, and untrustworthiness has been going on for quite some time. What she's doing now is just another chapter in a sad story. It's very difficult to have a real relationship with someone you can't trust. Someone who doesn't respect you and seemingly never has respected you. I'm not in a position to tell you what to do, but, if it were me, the dynamic between this woman and I would have to change dramatically for us to stay together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ontos Posted September 16, 2016 Author Share Posted September 16, 2016 Two points in this message. And I guess point three. Too bad you lost that stash of cash gambling, isn't it? Or just some and spent the rest on lawyer fees. Ask without actually telling lawyer you didn't gamble. It's called a hypothetical question. Ask how courts treat lawyer fees versus predivorce assets. Could be he equivalent of a tax deduction which offsets your assets Well played, sir! On a similar note, up until yesterday I overpaid $500/month on the mortgage. That was changed to paying the exact amount, the extra cash will be saved in a non-bank location. I also stuck to my guns and made her pay me for a third of the tuition installment. That was pulling teeth, but I got it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 I have read part of your first thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/589859-cohabitating-most-marriage-i-ve-been-less-than-fulfilled. Then reading your first post on that tread I got the impression the two of you where different sides of the same coin. It seems you do the exact thing to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 I just went over the other thread and it seems like divorce is the best option. Your marriage looks like the picture of bitterness, resentment and keeping up appearances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ontos Posted September 19, 2016 Author Share Posted September 19, 2016 I have read part of your first thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/589859-cohabitating-most-marriage-i-ve-been-less-than-fulfilled. Then reading your first post on that tread I got the impression the two of you where different sides of the same coin. It seems you do the exact thing to her. Do not confuse the poster in that thread that suggested I use psychological warfare - that was not me and I don't advocate that. I am not doing the same things to her - in fact, I continue to extend an olive branch and then I catch her lying again. What kind of relationship can be built on pscyo warfare? Last night I went through her phone and saw she texted her friend recently, "I told Ontos I wasn't "In Love" with him anymore, LOL". Then she went on to say that she saw her ex bf on FB was divorced and found a girl 10 years younger, "He seems to be doing very well". Man, I don't know where this nasty spite came from. It's not been her nature - she has been a lot of things but not this outwardly nasty towards me. I think this cake is baked. I'm treading water until I meet with the lawyer next week. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 It doesn't apply to private citizens engaged in private business. ' 100% incorrect. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 MGTOW may man. Look into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Moderation stepping in to note that any more off topic posts on the legality of VAR will be infracted with points, start your own thread on this topic in the WC. Thank you ~ V Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 I wont get into the specifics but in general - One thing I understand from other stories and my own experience is that a VAR or checking emails or social media - even if it does not show cheating - can provide somethings about your spouse or their feelings that might be painful to hear. Most people occasionally rant on their spouses, talk about a hot coworker, or past lover to a best friend every now and then - but you have to decide where the line is - and also be willing to be a bit objective and realistic over human nature and what you hear or read. If its constant disrespect and insults about you - well then there is an issue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Most people occasionally rant on their spouses, talk about a hot coworker, or past lover to a best friend every now and then - but you have to decide where the line is - and also be willing to be a bit objective and realistic over human nature and what you hear or read. Agreed. One reason why I'd avoid the temptation to read a partner's journal if I came across it, would guess the thoughts would be similarly unfiltered. I'd rather judge based on how I'm treated. Heck, there's days I don't even like myself so I give my spouse the same latitude ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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