How to be happy with your roommate partner?

[Behati]

Hi guys. First post. Bear with me, it'll be a doozy.

 

I have been in an imperfect relationship for 11 long years. Together we have two children and four pets and a lot of history. A lot. I'm going to call him Tom.

 

When Tom and I first met we were both in other very unfulfilled relationships with people we didn't really like, who seemed cut from the same cloth: young, irresponsible, kind of stupid. Tom and I were more family driven and a year later began dating. We moved in quickly. I believed him when he said his only priority was to start a family.

As you may know, actively trying to conceive can become a daunting task so I would always look for ways to spice it up. I suggested watching porn one day and Tom said he didn't really care for or enjoy porn. None-the-less, we now have two kids.

One night I went to bed alone after making an attempt to bring him with me (cough) which he deflected. When I woke up in an empty bed two hours later I noticed the tv on in the living room but no noise, and went to gingerly move him off the couch to the bed, but as I approached the TV suddenly turned off and he flew straight to bed. Curiously, I turned the TV back on and found it still on the Skinemax soft core he'd been enjoying. It hurt my feelings. I asked why he had done that when I had invited him to bed with me (he doesn't like porn?) and received no answer.

This is a situation that repeats itself heavily up to present day.

About a year later, after purchasing our dream home, i was becoming angrier and more vocal about our lack of sex life which was virtually nonexistent. If I fell asleep early on the couch, I would wake up to find him hiding in the walk-in closet with the laptop masturbating to porn. Naturally I began to suspect that something was wrong with me and that it was likely the fact that it took me well over a year to lose the weight I gained with our youngest child. I dieted heavily and went to the gym but it just took forever to lose, and in the process, his actions aside, I was very unhappy and insecure. I would often come home from the mall crying and he would cough up a proper response that I assumed was a lie evident by the fact he wouldn't touch me. A month before our wedding in a fit if insecurity, I called the entire thing off and we lost thousands of dollars. We never attempted to marry again.

 

Eventually, I relented and accepted defeat. This just became our life and I stopped fighting it. When we moved into a different house later, we took separate bedrooms. I tried to focus my energy on my kids and improving myself. After much discussion and consideration, and losing my job of ten years to a complete shut down, I went to medical school, which I am still in, and very deep at this point.

 

I still occasionally express sadness over our roommate lifestyle but the last time I brought up the subject he said our relationship died ten years ago, and I asked, "it died before [our youngest son]?"

We get along fine as friends so there isn't much fighting in the equation, fwiw.

 

Recently he handed me his phone because he had bookmarked something we needed, and I ended fat fingering the screen to the history. It was full of searches about martial artists having hot bodies, how to get one, do other people think martial artists are hot, etc. (he is a martial artist)

The laptop we share used to be littered with porn sites when he would forget to clear the history.

The other day I used his phone again to order dinner as mine was doing an update, and the Google history auto prompted with searches for several nude mma fighters that I've overheard him having explicit conversations about to his guy friends, tight Brazilian butts, beautiful nude brunettes, athletic female nudes, a couple of very gross searches, and one of images of huge white [male genitalia].

 

I have been trying for years to follow every direction he's given to put our life back together, starting with being better friends. Lately I thought I was getting through until I saw those searches. I just feel very betrayed. This man who at one time only wanted a family, I gave to him. I ended up with a "mom-body" and though I am not overweight, I look like I've had two children. This is clearly a disgusting concept to him because he's only interested in these ripped young 20s females.

 

The biggest issue is that neither of us are willing to leave the kids or sacrifice our time with them which is probably the only thread holding us together. I am very lonely and they are all I have, and I would be ridiculously lost without them.

Because of my schooling, it's not feasible for me to move out on my own until I've graduated, and if we were to separate and likely end up in court over custody, he would win because he has that financial security right now.

 

I've come too far in school to quit, and I made a promise to my grandmother that I would finish this. But the weight of the past decade has sucked the life out of me until I barely feel anything at all.

 

I truly do not know how to make myself feel better in my home and how to accept that when Tom goes into his room, as he so often does, he's in another world that looks nothing like the one I tried so hard to create.

 

Thanks for reading this far, if you did. If not, I don't blame you.

[PegNosePete]

You've been flogging this dead horse of a relationship for so long. Why?

 

Stop making excuses for not ending it, and just end it.

 

You can find happiness in your life but you have to cut the cord first.

[Jersey born raised]

How long till you graduate? What type of program are you in? Is it alternative medince? After you graduate will you make more than him?

 

If I read your post correctly you are not married, am I correct? If so what assets are in your name, his name and joint? Very few states recognize common law marriages, so these questions matter.

Edited September 14, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[Jersey born raised]

I just saw your other post it explains a lot. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/595212-ugliest-girl-world#post7051911 I sense you don't want to mix your two current issues but they to closely related. I also sense a lot of FOO (family of origin) issues. Here is a link for terms http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand.

[Behati]

I just saw your other post it explains a lot. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/595212-ugliest-girl-world#post7051911 I sense you don't want to mix your two current issues but they to closely related. I also sense a lot of FOO (family of origin) issues. Here is a link for terms http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand.

 

They are probably more closely related than I care to admit to myself.

 

To answer your previous questions, I have around 2 years including interning, to complete the nurse anesthetist program. My life has literally stopped so I could do this, so here I am expressing my angst to strangers online because I don't even remember what my friends look like anymore. Most medical programs that I've seen are grueling and lonely paths.. Probably why it's all bubbling over the surface for me. ?

[Mr. Lucky]

I truly do not know how to make myself feel better in my home and how to accept that when Tom goes into his room, as he so often does, he's in another world that looks nothing like the one I tried so hard to create.

 

Thanks for reading this far, if you did. If not, I don't blame you.

 

Truth is, life has choices and those choices carry consequences. So this isn't really about why your husband ignores you but why you'd build all the trappings of a life - family, house, career - with someone so neglectful? Having read your post, pretty easy to see you've been headed for years to exactly this destination - lonely and unfulfilled. So the question becomes - what are you going to do about it?

 

You can passively continue, finish your education, live with "Tom" and cry yourself to sleep each night. Understand, if you choose to do so, responsibility for unhappiness rests on you. You can't blame anyone else.

 

Or you can choose to control your own destiny and shape your own life. I'll tell you in advance, it's hard, messy, occasionally discouraging and will be unpopular with some you care about. It's a tough road but the payoff is great.

 

You have two kids - what would you advise them in a similar situation ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey born raised]

Is your program accredited ? If not you will not have the job and money you think you will. Doctors in your field are actually paid better and have more respect than surgeons in the medical field. The days of being a gas passer are long gone (their insurance is higher as well).

 

I despise myself for saying this but begin detaching emotionally, but leave the door open, finish up and then divorce. This applies only if the marriage is as you descibe, otherwise you are just using him and shame on you.

 

Get into IC right now. The two issues are joined at the hip and ribs. While working on your FOO work on learning what a loving relationship is (but until the divorce do not go out experimenting either physically or in your case emtionally big time).

 

You are vulanable right now to first an EA and then a PA. To be blunt you are prime meat for a player. I posted a breakdown of how a player hunts here (post 38) Talk About Marriage. Until you get your FOO issues under control you will e bait.