The ugliest girl in the world

[Behati]

I recently read that if your phone battery lasts all day, you're ugly. Well, my battery lasts and lasts.

 

Let's rewind.

 

In my teens and early twenties, I realize I was really pretty. I look back at pictures and wonder how I'd never noticed or cared. I never had trouble finding a date or a boyfriend or a harem of suitors. Those days are gone.

 

I've been told several times that I look like a few different actresses and when I google them I am shocked and horrified. I have a 21 year old stepsister who is gorgeous, and our family, no matter how often they see her or how many hours we've been hanging out at our parents' house, make every attempt to remind her. If I post a rare but decent photo of myself to Facebook, my mother will make a snarky comment, like asking if it was photoshopped. Really?

 

I have no love life to speak of and no prospects. I am in my early 30s and I am not overweight, I have all my teeth, they are straight and white, and I try to take care of myself, so wtf?

When I look in the mirror I get depressed and it ruins my whole day. Something this vain and essentially useless is literally driving me crazy.

I've been saving up for plastic surgery and eating just enough to stay alive, but constantly hungry.

 

When I go on Instagram or Facebook or to class, every girl I see is so pretty and I perpetually feel like this hideous monster.

 

How do people get over raging insecurities like this????

[Timshel]

Read the great classics

99 Classic Books Challenge - How many have you read?

 

Volunteer! at a homeless shelter, a terminal ward/hospice, teach adults how to read, etc....

 

Hike, bike, run, walk, train, sweat...then do it for a cause you believe in

 

Meditate, take time to breath....pray. Realize that your body is a vessel, a vehicle to give and is gifted to do so. Everyone is gifted and the flesh is a transient state...besides keeping your health, it is a shell.

 

Love, it's more fun than being pretty.

[truthtripper]

Your health is more important than your looks. Don't take it for granted.

[jen1447]

OP, you seem to be saying you're not actually ugly (and in fact quite attractive, or used to be, but ppl don't change that way wholesale w/out serious, sweeping life events) but that you have insecurity-based feelings of inadequacy ....is that correct?

 

If so, that's what you need to address, not get plastic surgery.

[O'Malley]

Have you ever told your mother that her comments bother you? Let her know that you prefer that she stop making those kinds of comments. It sounds like she's projecting her own insecurities about appearance onto both your stepsister and you. As hard as it sounds, try to avoid perceiving it as a legitimate comparison between you and her, or a indicator of your flaws.

 

Don't hesitate to seek counseling; you're going to get a stronger and clearer head space about your own feelings from a therapist.

[Buddhist]

In my teens and early twenties, I realize I was really pretty. I look back at pictures and wonder how I'd never noticed or cared. I never had trouble finding a date or a boyfriend or a harem of suitors. Those days are gone.

 

This is the story of everyone in their early 20's a teens. Horny young boys do a lot for dating success. They just want it whenever, wherever and are like kids in a lolly shop. It's got nothing to do with aging or becoming less attractive. It's got everything to do with the hormone decline in humans past 30 mixed with a modicum of other priorities in life and some maturity.

 

I have a 21 year old stepsister who is gorgeous, and our family, no matter how often they see her or how many hours we've been hanging out at our parents' house, make every attempt to remind her.

 

She's gorgeous because she's 21 and full of growth hormones. Seriously. Also people think it's their duty to boost the self esteem of young women, you being over 30 are expected to have yours sorted out and not need this kind of validation.

 

When I go on Instagram or Facebook or to class, every girl I see is so pretty and I perpetually feel like this hideous monster.

 

Because they just spent 3hrs doing hair and makeup and taking shots from every possible angle until they got the one shot that looked great. I've done this myself. I am the most unphotogenic person in the world. Seriously I look like a monster in photo's. But even I with proper effort can come up with something that looks nothing like me and everything like a decent modestly pretty female.

 

How do people get over raging insecurities like this????

 

By realising it's all smoke and mirrors most of the time. By not comparing yourself to 20 year olds, by realising that it's time to start having a different focus in life because life will continue whether you feel pretty or not. By realising that the amount of attention you receive very often isn't a direct result of how good looking you really are but how much time you spend doing hair, makeup and dressing in ways that accentuate what you've got.

 

Whenever I see women that men say are sooo hot. I see an average woman with greater than average grooming. I rarely see a naturally stunning woman with the genes of the rare 1%. Of course those exist too, but more often than not the hottie in your neighbourhood is a regular female who just dresses in ways that men generally like.

[No_Go]

Whenever I see women that men say are sooo hot. I see an average woman with greater than average grooming - Soooo true! (Welcome back Buddhist!). I see women that I can hardly score as average that men consider 'hot'. Generally slim + proper clothing + hair/make up = hot. She can be awkwardly looking, pimply, having spots on her face, horrendous nose, wierd proportions - men are blind to these in the overall look appeals to them

 

OP, you are not the ugliest girl because it has been ages since you've been a 'girl'. You are a mature 30 something woman that is probably good looking from what you described, but a bit jealous to her younger step-sister... I think that's the real issue, and I think you know it.

[BlueIris]

How do people get over raging insecurities like this????

 

Maybe therapy? Your mom seems to be obsessed about looks too. Is your dad the same way?

 

I agree with Timschel- enrich other parts of your life to get perspective and a balance of riches.

 

Beauty is just one element of you and of being a person, of equal or lesser importance than all of the others. Maybe when you're looking in the mirror the sadness and anxiety isn't so much about how you look as about the fact that you feel that it matters so much and it weighs you down emotionally. ?

[Aniela]

I would ask her why, although I'm not sure you'll get an answer.

 

My mother and aunt used to do that with my sister, on facebook: "happy birthday to my beautiful niece/daughter *******". They never did it for me, although I didn't notice until there was trouble between us. I was also told that I must be jealous, when it came to my sister and her husband. When I asked why, nobody would tell me outright. I hadn't been told anything like that until certain trouble was made for me, so I wondered how long people were carrying those thoughts around with them.

 

A book called Psycho-Cybernetics, was written by a plastic surgeon. He wrote it after experiencing over and over again, patients who were no happier with their looks once he'd "fixed" them for them - done exactly what they wanted. They were no happier or self-confident.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I recently read that if your phone battery lasts all day, you're ugly. Well, my battery lasts and lasts.

 

 

****....my battery lasts like 3-4 days.

Damn, I'm ugly.

Oh well. World's gotta have ugly people too, right?

[Satu]

'Ugly' is a word I never apply to anyone.

 

Any perceived ugliness, just like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

 

 

Take care.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Your words are always so inspiring Satu.

[sooshi]

I recently read that if your phone battery lasts all day, you're ugly.

 

It is wise not to believe everything you read.

 

One's phone battery level is not a measure of beauty.

 

For instance, my phone battery can last months before I have to recharge it again. It makes me no less beautiful.

 

If you're still not convinced, feel free to ask the skies, the moon, the trees, the sun, the land and/or the oceans about how long their phone battery lasts.

 

Take care.

Edited September 14, 2016 by sooshi

[pteromom]

I am curious - did your mom always make comments about your looks growing up too?

 

If people are telling you that you look like actresses, you are obviously not objectively "ugly".

 

What other posters have said about grooming and dressing a certain way is very true.

 

It also has a lot to do with confidence and the vibes you are giving off. Smiling and flirting and strutting and standing tall = lots of attention. Shuffling, looking at the floor when you walk, stooping, being withdrawn = being invisible, no matter how good looking you are objectively.

 

You are you. You are good enough as you are and don't need plastic surgery to "fix" yourself.

 

You may even be dealing with dysmorphia.

[RecentChange]

Physical beauty does not pave the way to a life of happiness, self acceptance does.

 

I was never called pretty or beautiful or any of that growing up (my sister was the pretty one).

 

I got called something better - capable, bright. I am so thankful that an emphasis was never placed on my physical looks, but rather my abilities and who I *was* not what I looked like. Because that is what matters.

 

I know many "homely" or plain women who lead wonderful lives with happy spouses at their sides.

 

Again, beauty does not create happiness or fulfillment.

 

Don't save up for plastic surgery, it will surely be a waste. Save up for counseling - until you feel better about who you ARE changing the package you come in won't make you feel any better.

[spiderowl]

People don't usually change that dramatically as they get older. I suspect you are a very pretty woman who, for some reason, has come to think of herself as ugly. If you FEEL unhappy and lack confidence in your looks, you may mentally translate the way you feel into the idea that you are ugly. I get quite a lot of pain and it makes me feel bad. I then assume I must LOOK bad. In fact, people just treat me as normal and seem oblivious to the fact that I'm in pain so I guess the way I'm feeling makes me think I look a certain way.

 

If you haven't heard of body dysmophia, please read up about it. Plastic surgery is not the answer. There are many women who are not classically beautiful if any way but who are very attractive. Attractiveness is something else, it's about how much people enjoy being in your company and being close to you. How much they feel drawn to your personality. I feel it is much more important than beauty.

 

You mother's comments are awful, quite frankly. It sounds like she is jealous of you. No mother would talk to her daughter like that without there being some meanness or jealousy involved. Please do not take your mother's interpretation of your looks as 'the truth'. It clearly is not. She has a distorted view of what matters in life. She has probably given you a sense that you are lacking in some way, when you are complete as you are.

 

Start again with a new view of yourself. Instead of thinking 'I am ugly', remind yourself what people like about you. I bet guys have taken the risk of approaching you to talk to you and maybe ask you out. I bet they have tried to strike up conversation. If anything puts people off, it's a feeling that someone is shut off and doesn't want to know them. Instead of dwelling on your supposed 'failings', turn outwards and look to see how you can enhance other people's lives - just having a chat, giving them some of your time, smiling, being a friend. I think you will find that things improve for you once you realise the focus is not on you but on sharing instead.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

A lot of times it's just the mindset

[elaine567]

 

I've been told several times that I look like a few different actresses and when I google them I am shocked and horrified.

 

Which ones, so that we can gauge where you are coming from here?

[cucumber95]

My mom told me once, that look gets older, but love which you have inside you will stay same forever, your love doesn't get old. It takes time to get someone special. I am not very attractive guy, not tall, etc.. but I had girlfriend which was very beatiful, your look doesn't have anything to do with that if you have bf or gf, it is your set of mind. Once I read about some guy which was looking for love, constantly and then he gave up and concentrated on his carrer and guess what? love came to him.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I used to get so much male attention when I was in my 20s that I was nervous at times to leave the house. I felt like I was oozing sex. It was hormones, pheromones..whatever...but I felt like a walking goddess. Even though I received so much attention, I was the most insecure with myself back then.

 

Now, in my mid 30s, I'm incredibly confident even though I'm not in the best shape of my life and I'm losing that dewy glow to my skin.

 

I don't need validation from men or others about the way I look, live, etc. I seek validation from myself in the way I treat others, the accomplishments I've made and how much I've developed as a woman and as a human being.

 

Focus on developing yourself from the inside out, OP. I know that sounds cliche, but the most beautiful people I've ever seen/met radiated beauty from the inside with their incredible personalities and lovely spirit. Outer beauty is fleeting. Remember that.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I recently read that if your phone battery lasts all day, you're ugly. Well, my battery lasts and lasts.

 

Let's rewind.

 

In my teens and early twenties, I realize I was really pretty. I look back at pictures and wonder how I'd never noticed or cared. I never had trouble finding a date or a boyfriend or a harem of suitors. Those days are gone.

 

I've been told several times that I look like a few different actresses and when I google them I am shocked and horrified. I have a 21 year old stepsister who is gorgeous, and our family, no matter how often they see her or how many hours we've been hanging out at our parents' house, make every attempt to remind her. If I post a rare but decent photo of myself to Facebook, my mother will make a snarky comment, like asking if it was photoshopped. Really?

 

I have no love life to speak of and no prospects. I am in my early 30s and I am not overweight, I have all my teeth, they are straight and white, and I try to take care of myself, so wtf?

When I look in the mirror I get depressed and it ruins my whole day. Something this vain and essentially useless is literally driving me crazy.

I've been saving up for plastic surgery and eating just enough to stay alive, but constantly hungry.

 

When I go on Instagram or Facebook or to class, every girl I see is so pretty and I perpetually feel like this hideous monster.

 

How do people get over raging insecurities like this????

 

A lot of the time, people can't see there own beauty or attractiveness until someone likes them or sees their potential. Think of all the teenagers who feel awkward and ugly until someone has a crush on them! Chances are you are not ugly, you just FEEL it because you are not getting the attention you want. But maybe you aren't getting the attention BECAUSE you are projecting this vibe?

 

 

Of course men go on looks, but one of the things that attracts more POWERFULLY that anything else is personality, character, humour - that rare meeting of minds or emotional connection.

[Springsummer]

THE PROBLEM is with OP's mother. she instill the sense of inadequate, worthless and not lovable in OP.

 

I have a very negative mom too. It is amazing even though I realize that probably is the root of my insecurity, I still can't escape that self loathing and inadequacy often.

[Springsummer]

I have zero pic in my facebook, because no pic of mine I really feel satisfied.

 

it's amazing when I was young, the most handsome boys in the classes seemed to like me.

 

I turned away all the guys who seemed to like me, even the most handsome ones.

 

Now I realize, maybe deep down I was very afraid and very insecure. and yet I am an idealist, perfectionist and puritanical.

 

I always have this sense of not being good enough. I seem to self-sabotaging myself often.

 

I don't know if I should blame myself for these or my mom.

[truthtripper]

I have zero pic in my facebook, because no pic of mine I really feel satisfied.

 

it's amazing when I was young, the most handsome boys in the classes seemed to like me.

 

I turned away all the guys who seemed to like me, even the most handsome ones.

 

Now I realize, maybe deep down I was very afraid and very insecure. and yet I am an idealist, perfectionist and puritanical.

 

I always have this sense of not being good enough. I seem to self-sabotaging myself often.

 

I don't know if I should blame myself for these or my mom.

Blame your mum. It's a form of abuse, emotional abuse.

[Fair]

Beauty can be it's own hell.