Wife didn't love me but 1 week after leaving....she does and now I want out

[Headpop]

Hi all,

 

I've never posted on a forum before but am desperate for some direction so here goes!

 

 

I have been cohabiting for 10 years and we have 3 wonderful kids. I refer to my OH as my wife because although we're not actually married, in my mind, that was the commitment I made when we got together. I mention this because that has always been the thing that kept me going, I have always believed that once you commit, it is for life, through thick and thin, no matter what.

 

 

My relationship with wife has always been typical. No abusiveness but the occasional arguments and disagreements. (After all we are all different people and all people clash sometimes). Typically I work full time with total 4 hours commuting a day, she works part time locally and, with the help of our parents, looks after the kids.

 

 

I have been realising over the last year that the wife was checking out of the relationship. I asked and asked many many times to talk to her but she always said everything was OK. At the same time she would never tell me she loved me, never touch, cuddle or even care if I existed. For at least a year to two years I have felt like she does not care if I was alive or not. There are many times when she has been so nasty to me, and I have always made sure I don't do hurtful things to her. I have felt alone for a long time.

 

 

Anyway recently I asked her outright if she still loved me and she said no. I was devastated inside. I felt very betrayed and like my life was over (dramatic I know). I moved out not to give her space, but because I just could not be in the same house with someone who didn't want me. I left the kids at home (hard hard hard) and left.

 

 

In the week that passed I tried to get my mind sorted out so that I could get a grip and leave my room long enough to try and get on with my life. I realised in myself during this time that in actual fact, I had not been happy for a long time. I've always worked hard, supported wife, given her what she wanted and not generally argued for fear of her leaving me. (Yes I am an enabler and pussy.... I get this now but didn't before). In fact when I looked back on our relationship and all previous arguments, I realised she was never happy with me and was always me that had to change to make her happy. I became her servant. If I did something she did not approve of it equal led arguments or threats that she'd leave me.

 

 

Finally I told her that I had realised these things and that she had made my life miserable for so long that I thought it was probably for the best that we split.

 

 

A couple of days later she announced that she had made a big mistake, that she had always loved me but had been blaming me for her unhappiness and that in fact I was what she wanted.

 

 

 

 

So, I moved back home but now I have another problem. Inside, I don't think I want to be with her now. I don't believe she can spend years not wanting me and then suddenly change her mind. I don't believe she does or can love me. Moreover, I think I'm just tired of fighting for our relationship, always giving in or doing whatever she wants to avoid arguments. Now that I told her these things she promised to change. I am trying daily, but inside me I feel like our relationship no longer exists. I love my family unit, I love my kids, I love her, but I don't think I can ever believe her again when she says she loves me.

 

 

I can't believe this situation, please tell me I'm not the only one, please tell me what to do?

[DKT3]

It's not shocking, most women respond to strength and actions. After spending the last decade being her walking trail, you've shown her strength in your actions. Short term it's ignited something in her, some respect has been gained.

 

Women are wonderful but mysterious creatures, enticing a range if emotional connections are a must, including having a dash of azzhole in the mix. You have to stand your ground and even be selfish some times.

 

Here is the catch 22, the more you reject her the more she feels she is losing control of the relationship, the harder she will fight to get back in her mind what is order.

[Headpop]

Thanks but what do I do? How do I figure out how she really feels? How do I figure out how I really feel? I'm not willing to play these silly women's mind games anymore I need to find out straight up no bs but have no idea what I doing.... Never been here before!

[Marc878]

I would bet she realizes she's going to lose her checkbook.

 

You're probably just plan B at this point.

 

Check your phone bill just as a quick reference to make sure you know what you're dealing with.

[Headpop]

Obviously I am a fool who knows nothing... Pls tell me what I am looking for in her phone bill?

 

Your comment about plan b rings true. I think she was planning to get herself sorted then one day I would come home and find locks changed and all my stuff in the trash, but instead I forced the subject before she had a chance to plan and when I left her she probably panicked and decided she'd made a mistake!!! How do I flush out the true her? Any ideas?

[Marc878]

Obviously I am a fool who knows nothing... Pls tell me what I am looking for in her phone bill?

 

Your comment about plan b rings true. I think she was planning to get herself sorted then one day I would come home and find locks changed and all my stuff in the trash, but instead I forced the subject before she had a chance to plan and when I left her she probably panicked and decided she'd made a mistake!!! How do I flush out the true her? Any ideas?

 

Go online and sort. Are there a lot of calls to a specific number.

Does she have another man?

[Marc878]

You're not a fool.

 

You are like most that have never had to deal with this. That's why you're here.

 

Keep your eyes and ears open. Mouth shut for now.

[Marc878]

No matter what never cry, plead or beg.

 

You have value, realize that

[Mr. Lucky]

Go online and sort. Are there a lot of calls to a specific number.

Does she have another man?

 

Headpop, you'll need to play private detective a little bit.

 

As is suggested here, check her cell phone bill for multiple calls and/or texts to the same number. Look for a spike in MMS messages.

 

Is your wife into social media? Access her FB account, look for messenger chats and pictures. Same with Instagram or other platforms she uses. I'd also look at her email and checking account for any unusual activity.

 

Hard to make plans until you know what you're up against. Avoid any confrontation unless you have the proverbial smoking gun.

 

No one is saying your wife has been cheating. What can be said is her behavior follows a pattern where infidelity has played a part. Keep posting, lots of good feedback here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pteromom]

I realised she was never happy with me and was always me that had to change to make her happy. I became her servant. If I did something she did not approve of it equal led arguments or threats that she'd leave me.

 

Forget about her "feelings" right now. Feelings come and go. Sometimes they are strong and sometimes they aren't. Sometimes people are unhappy with something in themselves, and take it out on their partners.

 

What I have quoted above - THAT is what you need to change.

 

And I don't mean being combative or mean or sarcastic. I don't mean stomping on her feelings or needs. I don't mean becoming unkind and disrespectful.

 

What I mean is - you have to be assertive in what you want in your own life. Unless the thing that she is not approving of affects her directly (you spend joint money needed for bills, what you are doing affects your personality like drugs or drinking too much, or your choice harms your children) then it doesn't matter what she thinks about it. Do what you want to do! And again - be KIND about stating what you are going to do. Love is not a competition or a power struggle.

 

You've probably heard that Dr. Phil line "You teach people how to treat you." Well, that is what you've done. You taught her that she can make threats and you back down. You have to RE-train her.

 

So say... you tell her you are going out with your guy-friends. She says no, and tells you she is going to leave. Instead of backing down or arguing, go up and hug her. Tell her you are sorry she feels that way, and hope she calms down by the time you get home so you can have a wonderful evening with her. Just be sweet, but FIRM about what you are going to do.

 

When it comes to arguments, don't engage in them whenever possible. Allow her to have her feelings. Listen and be kind. And just don't argue.

 

Work on being the man she was attracted to in the first place - not this version of you that has been built out of the bricks of your destructive relationship patterns. BREAK your part of the pattern!

 

When you do this, one of two things will happen. She will leave when she sees she no longer has control. OR - she will be insanely turned on by your newfound assertiveness, and she will find herself "in love" again.

 

I think you have to give it a TRY, since you have children, before you just leave.

[Marc878]

Rule out another man first. If there is one you can work on yourself and become the best you can be but nothing will matter if that is the case.

[Jersey born raised]

Do not have intercourse with her! If you do she will take it as an unspoken agreement to stay and argue with you but you had sex with me! Instead be the "sensitive" guy and say I think we need to sort out what is going on. I really cannot be intimate when all I can think is "Why".

 

I say this because you need an exit plan before committing otherwise you will be a every other week-end dad who works and commutes 60 hours a week to pay child support.

 

As to your phone use recovery of phone data on a search engine. If you find several services post here to get feedback. Many of these apps you need to get into the root directly to install for which you need password and time. Use then to recover deleted texts. Does she guard her phone? A lot of information you can get from the bill itself. For example how many texts total, how many calls and texts to one or a few others for no really reason. Many BS often start waking up when seeing a hundred or even hundreds of calls and texts to a number(s).

 

Warning know your state laws. More the a few will allow you to recover data or obtain past bills if the phone is in both you names such as a family plan.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Yeah, just read the op, nothing else. My first thought was she doesn't really care about you, more so the lifestyle she had with you in it. It's hard being a single parent. Sounds like she misses having support more then you. Or your money, one of the two. Or both. She doesn't love you, she already said. But once you left, she misses what you provided for her. Just not you. Sorry

[Headpop]

Thanks everyone for your advices. I don't think she'd got someone else there are no tell tale signs although I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Will keep eyes and ears peeled though.

 

I guess I will have to just play a waiting game to see whether she's serious or not about our relationship. Problem is when your heart says one thing but head says another...what do you follow? If we followed our heads we'd all be single, if we follow our hearts, we get hurt.

 

Emotions = simultaneously our biggest weakness and biggest strength as human beings!

[Marc878]

Did you check your phone bill?

[DKT3]

Thanks everyone for your advices. I don't think she'd got someone else there are no tell tale signs although I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Will keep eyes and ears peeled though.

 

I guess I will have to just play a waiting game to see whether she's serious or not about our relationship. Problem is when your heart says one thing but head says another...what do you follow? If we followed our heads we'd all be single, if we follow our hearts, we get hurt.

 

Emotions = simultaneously our biggest weakness and biggest strength as human beings!

 

There are a ton of signs of her cheating, you just don't see them. It was actually the first thought I had after reading your opening post. The sudden detachment two years ago, treating you like crap, the not In love conversation, the separation then quick turn around. All signs of infidelity. Many times after being apart from spouse it becomes clear that a relationship with an affair partner won't work if they won't commit, so the slide or attempt to slide back into the marriage.

 

Keep your eyes and ears open and mouth shut. If you do this it will become clear in a short time if there is someone else. Follow phone and bank records.

[KBarletta]

It would be hard for me - personally - to take someone back after they said they no longer loved me and then changed their mind a week and a half later. I'd have a hard time with that whether there was another guy or not. But that's just me.

 

That said, this is something you have to decide. The head vs. the heart is a tough line to walk.

 

I also wonder if you have ever tried counseling? It can provide a safe space for both of you to work out how you feel and (hopefully) for the truth to come out about anything that might be going on.

 

I am not going to sit here and tell you there is definitely another guy, but it sure sounds like a very real possibility that she had someone and then when she left you to be with them full-time, they bailed. Then she came running back to you. That's a fairly common storyline in the two years or so that I've been on these boards.

 

I wish you luck and I would tell you that regardless of what happens, stick around here, keep posting, seek out counseling (even if not with your WW, then for your own progress as you go through this.) You will eventually find clarity here and take steps to improve your life. You just need to answer a few questions first:

 

- Is there anyone else

- Do you still want to be together

- If the answer is yes, how do you do that and rebuild the love and trust you once had

- If the answer is no, then I think you talk to a lawyer, make sure you maximize your time with your children and protect yourself

 

Best of luck.

 

KTB

[road]

Did you check your phone bill?

 

There are a ton of signs of her cheating, you just don't see them. It was actually the first thought I had after reading your opening post. The sudden detachment two years ago, treating you like crap, the not In love conversation, the separation then quick turn around. All signs of infidelity. Many times after being apart from spouse it becomes clear that a relationship with an affair partner won't work if they won't commit, so the slide or attempt to slide back into the marriage.

 

Keep your eyes and ears open and mouth shut. If you do this it will become clear in a short time if there is someone else. Follow phone and bank records.

 

VAR in the house and WW car?

 

 

GPS WW car and phone?

 

 

Key logger the PC?

 

 

Detached two years ago: affair started.

 

 

Left you: to go be with the OM full time.

 

 

Comes back: rude awakening when the OM would not take her in and support her.

[Methodical]

Thought 1:

 

She became complacent and bored with the mundane day to day reality of life. You work, full-time, I assume, with a four hour daily commute, which means you have a couple of hours to devote to the wife and kids before going to bed, right? She fell out of love, per se, and it showed in the way she treated you and the things she said.

 

But, when you left, the deeper reality of life set in....

* Wtf was I thinking? Even with child support, I can't make the rent, utilities, groceries, cable, etc., without his paycheck.

* I didn't realize how much he helped out with the kids, even tho his time was limited in the evenings.

* Holy shyte, he did a lot around here on the weekends that I took for granted. Without him, I'm responsible for everything.

 

It took you leaving for her to see your contribution to the family unit and realize life without you isn't going to be a bed of roses.

 

Thought 2:

 

She met someone and began developing feelings for him. When you left, she told him. He slammed on the brakes and said he was only in it for friendly benefits and had no intentions of becoming part of an already made family. Now she's backpedaling.

 

Each person is different, and only you can decide if you want to give her a second chance. I think you are dealing with a woman who didn't realize how much she took for granted and now wants to make amends, or you are her fall guy. Regardless, can you forgive her past behavior? Do you want to be with her after gaining a healthy dose of reality due to self introspection? Where do you draw the line?

[elaine567]

I do not know if this woman was cheating or not, no-one knows apart from her, I guess, so we can all speculate till doomsday.

Some women cheat, some women never do, as it is just not in their nature. So it is not as much of a sure thing that she was cheating on you, as some here would have you believe.

But cheating or not here, seems a moot point to me.

 

The thing that I see is most telling, is the fact that faced with the fact she doesn't love you, you have not dissolved into a heap, sobbing and begging for her to come back and love you again, you have instead come to the conclusion that this relationship is probably not worth saving.

If it is truly not worth saving, then do not torture yourself with VARs and cheating investigations, just make sure your kids are fine and well taken care of, and make plans to co-parent well and move on with your life. Sometimes people stay in relationships well past their sell by date, maybe this one has just had its day.

[stillafool]

I find it hard to believe that someone who said they are not in love with you all of a sudden is in love after you left. Could it be she realized that she will have a change of lifestyle without you? Was there another man who she found out did not want her afterall once her husband left? It would seem if she did love you she would have stopped you from moving out and told you then that she loves you so please don't leave.

[notbroken]

She doesn't love you. She does love your paycheck and ability to pull the plow (you are a plow horse to her and it scared her greatly when you quit pulling and she realized she may actually have to do it herself). She may put on a great show for a while that she has changed, but that's all it is - a show.

 

Tell her you are unwilling to do that and are sick of the status quo. You want to be with someone that loves you and shows it. You want certain things and you will get them - hopefully from her. Tell her what those things are. If she is unable or unwilling to give those things then divorce her fairly and find someone that will. That's obviously much tougher than it sounds but the effort will be worth it for your eventual happiness. You won't be happy as a plow horse.

 

Ironically, standing up for yourself will help gain respect from her. She may even grow to love you again if you respect yourself and earn hers. Being 'wimpy' will just get you more of the same things you have received. It is not just her. If you acted the same in a future relationship you will reap the same rewards. Ask for what you want and earn it. Otherwise, how can you expect to get it?

[Mr. Lucky]

Thought 1:

 

She became complacent and bored with the mundane day to day reality of life. You work, full-time, I assume, with a four hour daily commute, which means you have a couple of hours to devote to the wife and kids before going to bed, right? She fell out of love, per se, and it showed in the way she treated you and the things she said.

 

But, when you left, the deeper reality of life set in....

* Wtf was I thinking? Even with child support, I can't make the rent, utilities, groceries, cable, etc., without his paycheck.

* I didn't realize how much he helped out with the kids, even tho his time was limited in the evenings.

* Holy shyte, he did a lot around here on the weekends that I took for granted. Without him, I'm responsible for everything.

 

It took you leaving for her to see your contribution to the family unit and realize life without you isn't going to be a bed of roses.

 

Thought 2:

 

She met someone and began developing feelings for him. When you left, she told him. He slammed on the brakes and said he was only in it for friendly benefits and had no intentions of becoming part of an already made family. Now she's backpedaling.

 

In Thought 1, you could be replaced by a babysitter and handyman. In Thought 2, your replacement is her affair partner.

 

Neither leaves much room for the kind of connection between the two of you needed to sustain a marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

Sorry dude, yes she does have another man, somewhere and somehow.

 

You may never know the truth, and you can do the detective work if you want to.

 

My guess, and I could be wrong, is that she has a guy she was screwing, and when you left, she told him and he split on her.

 

You are Mr. Plan B, and mister checkbook, and that is all.

 

If you just think I am out of my mind, do the detective work: Cell phone records, texts, VAR in car, GPS in car, on and on.

 

Or you could just split, which in my mind it the best option.

 

Good luck...

[DKT3]

I do not know if this woman was cheating or not, no-one knows apart from her, I guess, so we can all speculate till doomsday.

Some women cheat, some women never do, as it is just not in their nature. So it is not as much of a sure thing that she was cheating on you, as some here would have you believe.

But cheating or not here, seems a moot point to me.

 

The thing that I see is most telling, is the fact that faced with the fact she doesn't love you, you have not dissolved into a heap, sobbing and begging for her to come back and love you again, you have instead come to the conclusion that this relationship is probably not worth saving.

If it is truly not worth saving, then do not torture yourself with VARs and cheating investigations, just make sure your kids are fine and well taken care of, and make plans to co-parent well and move on with your life. Sometimes people stay in relationships well past their sell by date, maybe this one has just had its day.

 

Sure it's speculation, however it's based on most likely scenarios. If one walks into there living room and find a broken window and a baseball sitting on the coffee table you would speculate that someone throw the ball through the window. Of course other possibilities exist, but are unlikely.

 

Most likely scenario is his wife is or has been involved in a two year something with another man. She pulls the not in love card he leaves, at which point he didn't indicate she attempted to stop him. It's doubtful since his shock at her quick turnaround. She then runs to OM confesses her desires to be together, he balks she then flips and returns focus to husband... absolutely the most likely scenario.

 

If is was simply a case of not in love let's move on, she would have planned a better departure, she would have had more resolve to go at it alone...a week? Nah, there is another man.