Wife didn't love me but 1 week after leaving....she does and now I want out

[Headpop]

Thanks everyone for your comments and thoughts. So i installed a cheap GSM tracker in the car and found nothing.

 

Phone bills..... nothing

 

I have been through all her emails, texts, social media, photos, bank spending.... everything and have found nothing, nothing at all!

 

if she has been cheating it's with the invisible man/woman.

 

unfortunately this leads me to believe it's all just because of my paycheck like everyone has been saying.

 

I cannot deny that I am a bit distant with her nowadays, I cant help it that I just cant get this out of my head. everyday it's all i think about, and I am tired of it.

 

Even though we are back together she knows I don't believe how she says she feels, I have told her countless times. What's very strange to me is that she still makes no efforts at all towards fixing things. The only things that have changed are that she's no longer horrible to me on a daily basis, and she tells me she loves me a lot.

 

She still show's me no affection and I just dont feel any love from her. I dont feel like she wants me. It's still always me initiating conversation, contact or time in the bed room, and still always me making all the efforts to try and move us forward.

 

Yet she will swear blind that she loves me and 'always will'. I am starting to feel like I would rather be alone than have someone who doesnt show me any passion. I am passionate to her in the bedroom, but i if I was to lie there and do nothing she would just go sleep, so she clearly has no desire for me.

 

I have days when i feel quite depressed, and if i say anything her response is always 'i thought this was all fixed and we're fine now'! She says she never thinks about our split and what she said and that she's completely happy.

 

I am stuck in a WTF moment over this. how on earth can you tell your husband you want divorce then change your mind so quickly and forget that it ever happened? and after a prolonged time of clearly being miserable.... how does she do that?

 

I was hoping that my feelings would change and that my love for her would make me forget all of this but I think I am starting to realise that this may never happen.

 

Thank you all for your advice in the previous posts. It's hard sometimes not to see the real situation until strangers tell it how it is!

[BluesPower]

So the question is what have you decided to do?

 

Yes I still believe she has someone but if she is that careful you my never find out.

 

Listen, I have been where you are at in so many ways. And, let me just say this. If you don't see changes, if she is not making an effort to show you her love, then you need to get out as hard as that is.

 

You can still be a good dad to your kids and still take care of them. For a lot of reasons, my marriage was just horrible for about 20 of 26 years. I was stuck in a lot of ways because of circumstances and did not leave.

 

Once I explained to my wife I was leaving she woke up in ways that I still have a hard time trusting.

 

She has made huge strides in showing me her love and that she wants to be with me. And, as great as this is, I am not sure that I can get over the things that have happened in the past. Long story, but much worse stuff than her cheating.

 

If you want to try and work it out, she has to be willing to do the work and it really does not sound like she is willing. I would just leave and start a new life if it were me...

[Headpop]

So the question is what have you decided to do?

 

Yes I still believe she has someone but if she is that careful you my never find out.

 

Listen, I have been where you are at in so many ways. And, let me just say this. If you don't see changes, if she is not making an effort to show you her love, then you need to get out as hard as that is.

 

You can still be a good dad to your kids and still take care of them. For a lot of reasons, my marriage was just horrible for about 20 of 26 years. I was stuck in a lot of ways because of circumstances and did not leave.

 

Once I explained to my wife I was leaving she woke up in ways that I still have a hard time trusting.

 

She has made huge strides in showing me her love and that she wants to be with me. And, as great as this is, I am not sure that I can get over the things that have happened in the past. Long story, but much worse stuff than her cheating.

 

If you want to try and work it out, she has to be willing to do the work and it really does not sound like she is willing. I would just leave and start a new life if it were me...

 

you are right i need to decide something, but i don't know what that is yet so i'm not going to rush anything.

 

like you say, it's not the simplest of things.... you appear to have put up with unhappiness much longer and for much worse reasons by the sound of it.

 

i suppose if I am honest, if it wasn't for my kids and family I probably would have never agreed to go back. maybe that's what's eating me? i don't know?!

 

if she really made the effort, would this demonstrate how she really felt? i suppose it would, and i suppose it would make me feel secure enough to trust her when she says she wants to be with me.

 

I know that in 20 years time i could look back on this and say I should have called it quits long before 2016, but i could also look back in 20 years and regret every second that i didn't spend with my kids, or provide them a stable home.

 

We could split and she could become very difficult over the kids (it's the only leverage she would have over me) and then i would live a life of regret that i hurt people I love so much.

 

one thing i wont do is rush the decision. She may take that out of my hands if she decides to revert to herself and show her true colors again.

 

with xmas coming up i'm not about to go anywhere.... i suppose i will have to just suck it and see!

[BluesPower]

You should take your time and make the right decision.

 

But, those kids are yours as much as they are hers and unless you are a pedophile, you have a right to 50% of their time just like she does.

 

Here is the thing, IRL she cannot use the kids against you, if they stay with her you will have to pay child support. But you can still be a great dad.

 

I am just saying that if she does not want to go to counseling or MC or something to put effort into the relationship, then there is not a lot to do.

 

Hand in and take your time. Try to do some research online about all this stuff and figure it out.

 

Good luck...

[Jersey born raised]

Does your wife know how you feel? You mentioned she says "I thought we had fixed this" how do you respond?

 

Off hand try reading 5 love languages. Do a search of for it. They have a commercial site but an excellent summary on there home page. If it makes sense buy the book.

 

Your out of the house 12 hours a day. How do you live with that and still stay connected? Add in 6 - 8 hours sleep, showering, etc that leaves 4 hours a day together split between her and the children. Something has to give and it did. Your wife could be one of thoses who actually is telling you the truth, before stepping out by either of you.

 

Odd fact about adultery vs dating: dating is far more expensive and takes a lot more effort.

[jaQ3]

I don't think she has another guy lined up necessarily. I've been in her shoes so let me explain the female brain:

 

I'm willing to bet she got bored and complacent over a long period of time. She mentally checked out (or thought she did) maybe she lost respect/attraction because of it. We need to be challenged, romanced. When a woman feels like things are one-sided or permanently dull, this happens. Like me, the reality of you not kidding about it and actually leaving threw her into a tailspin. Suddenly she wants what she can't have, especially because it's always been readily available and now it's not. She's in shock. And it's not comfortable at all.

 

You know the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone?" That's what's going on in her mind right now. You unintentionally lit a fire up under her butt and she probably really wants to make things work suddenly, right?

 

Try to forgive, it sounds like a second chance would be good for you

[Marc878]

She's not in this for anything except security. You are her roommate that's why there is no intimacy/etc.

 

Is that how you want to live your life?

 

Ball is in your court.

[Sweetfish]

I don't think she has another guy lined up necessarily. I've been in her shoes so let me explain the female brain:

 

I'm willing to bet she got bored and complacent over a long period of time. She mentally checked out (or thought she did) maybe she lost respect/attraction because of it. We need to be challenged, romanced. When a woman feels like things are one-sided or permanently dull, this happens. Like me, the reality of you not kidding about it and actually leaving threw her into a tailspin. Suddenly she wants what she can't have, especially because it's always been readily available and now it's not. She's in shock. And it's not comfortable at all.

 

You know the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone?" That's what's going on in her mind right now. You unintentionally lit a fire up under her butt and she probably really wants to make things work suddenly, right?

 

Try to forgive, it sounds like a second chance would be good for you

 

Exactly why getting married is a gamble. With the cost of living on the rise and the demand to work odd hours or more hours... all it takes is some other dude (co-worker, friend, lawn guy) to "sweep them off their feet" something new and exciting.

 

Guess what... this is a news flash.. it's just as important for the female to put effort into making the man's life exciting too. Some of that dulliness can be a 50% contribution on part on the female.

 

What your telling me is women, sit around waiting to be wined and dined. To be put on a pedestal and yet treated with control.

 

And what happens when another 3 years or more passes and you get condition to that behavior... lol give me a break.

 

It boils down to one thing.. loyality...

The reason why the relationship are dull is that individual can't find happiness with in one's self.

 

OP'S girl bet against the house and when the cards got laid down...She lost. The cards were in his favor.. now she wants to play again...

[OatsAndHall]

Exactly why getting married is a gamble. With the cost of living on the rise and the demand to work odd hours or more hours... all it takes is some other dude (co-worker, friend, lawn guy) to "sweep them off their feet" something new and exciting.

 

Guess what... this is a news flash.. it's just as important for the female to put effort into making the man's life exciting too. Some of that dulliness can be a 50% contribution on part on the female.

 

What your telling me is women, sit around waiting to be wined and dined. To be put on a pedestal and yet treated with control.

 

And what happens when another 3 years or more passes and you get condition to that behavior... lol give me a break.

 

It boils down to one thing.. loyality...

The reason why the relationship are dull is that individual can't find happiness with in one's self.

 

OP'S girl bet against the house and when the cards got laid down...She lost. The cards were in his favor.. now she wants to play again...

 

Yup. I will never be with a woman who needs to be wined and dined continually. We'll have our date nights and other things but, at the end of the day, I want to be with a woman who is just as comfortable getting Chinese take-out and watching Netflix as she is being taken out to dinner and a movie. This will show me that it's not about the damn bells and whistles: it's about being with your significant other and enjoying their company.

 

To the OP, I would suggest seeking counseling. Go and hash it all out with a third party and see how you feel.