Do I divorce him? [updated 2016-10-19]

[Rylie]

My husband walked out almost 2 months ago. He has been with another woman since leaving - maybe before but he won't say either way. He is technically living with his brother, however his brother told me that he's rarely there. He won't really talk to me at all. All he has said is that he wants space but doesn't know if he wants a divorce - that he has to think about it.

 

He came over to get some things that he forgot and he brought his new [whatever the **** she is] with him AND brought her inside. I don't handle confrontation or strangers in my house well - and my husband knows that - so I just stood their silently trying not to panic. She kept giving me dirty looks and when he went downstairs she said "No wonder he left you. Look at you. Definitely nothing worth suffering for. Too bad for you. The sex is amazing with MY sexy man. You almost ruined him, thank god he found a real woman. One who wouldn't get so hung up on a rape from 10 years ago." Which not only means that she is a horrible person, but that he has been talking to her about me and my past. He didn't' say a word to me at all when he came over.

 

After she said that I just went to the bedroom to try and calm down. My husband came in after to get somethings from the dresser. He could tell that I was having a really hard time and the way he looked at me was so familiar but he didn't say or do anything. I felt like he was going to but his woman walked in and saw a box of condoms in the open dresser. She tossed them on the bed by me and said "you can keep these, we won't be needing them". He did give her a quick look and shook his head a tiny bit, but that was it.

 

So my husband is having unprotected sex with another woman. Who knows if she's even on birth control.

 

We were together for 6 years. The whole world was against us being together but we fought and made it work. I'm not ready to give up on him or lose him but everything is telling me that I have to. He won't say if he wants a divorce or not, do I go ahead and start the process?

 

I know that I will never be good enough for him. I will never get to that point of being normal. So I guess there is no point waiting for him to come back... He never will, if he does he will just leave again.

[Aloneuk]

Of course you divorce him. You have no marriage. I'm sorry to sound so harsh but not only has he left you for AP, he has confided in her so much about you and your relationship. There is no coming back from this.

 

One day you will thank your lucky stars that you are no longer with him. For now, put on a brave face and take one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. Do not entertain taking him back.

 

All the best...

[CaliGypsy]

No, you have it wrong, HE'S not good enough for you.

 

I just can't fathom that he'd bring her into your home like he had every right to do so. That was so totally disrespectful. And her comments were mind boggling to say the least. I'm just seriously outraged for you. I hope that you are able to see what a loser this dude is and divorce his sorry butt.

 

I can't even imagine how hard dealing with a rape is, but I empathize with you and hope you are able to move on with your life and find the happiness you deserve with a person who deserves you.

[Methodical]

He brought another woman into your home while gathering his things. He has already checked out of the marriage. You need to secure your finances and seek legal counsel.

[CarrieT]

Of course you divorce him.

 

Why wouldn't you? Do you want to just wait and be his back-burner girl, forever hoping he will return to you and the dysfunctional relationship you both had?

 

Start filing immediately, please.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

"No wonder he left you. Look at you. Definitely nothing worth suffering for. Too bad for you. The sex is amazing with MY sexy man. You almost ruined him, thank god he found a real woman. One who wouldn't get so hung up on a rape from 10 years ago."

 

You need a new guy.

 

1) He's your husband of 6 years, and sleeping/staying with someone else.

2) His mistress embarrassed you in front of him, and he doesn't even care.

3) He's already left.

4) He allowed someone to MAKE FUN OF being raped. That **** ain't cool. **** this guy.

 

On the other side of things....do you think he's with this new girl because she stands up for him and gives him what he needs rather than asking him to be more than patient and over-compromising in order to make you happy? Other than valiantly standing up for him on an "anonymous" (lol...) forum, do you feel that maybe he felt you weren't willing to meet HIS needs halfway and finally moved on after finding someone who will, and eagerly so?

 

Just offering another point of view. I'm sorry for your situation and hope you move past this and enjoy your newfound ability to manage your PTSD.

[pteromom]

You know she said that stuff to you because she felt THREATENED by you, right?

 

He's moved on.

 

YES, you should file. Ask for everything you can get. Including spousal support if you qualify for it.

 

If by some miracle he wanted to come back (you know, after lots and lots of therapy about how he could do this in the first place), divorce doesn't mean that he couldn't. I've known quite a few couples who remarried each other.

 

But for now - you need to take care of yourself.

[TennisGal]

He brought the OW into your home, allowed her to verbally abuse you, and he said nothing. Of course you should divorce him. And make sure you get all you are entitled to.

[understand50]

Rylie,

 

Sorry for your troubles, As everyone has said you divorce him. I cannot even image the hurt and pain, but the only way it will get better is for you to move on.

 

I wish you luck and the best possible outcome there is in all this.

[ladydesigner]

Wow I am CSA and have been raped and the fact that he let her say those things to you... it boggles the mind really! Your WH and his whatever are both monsters for doing that to you! Get out and move on let her have this gem of a man that she won't need condoms with anymore

[Satu]

Divorce him and then eradicate everything that could possibly remind you of him.

[Bufo]

Either he is a spineless jellyfish who was bullied by OW into letting her be there or he is cruelly malevolent and did this knowing it would torture you. And you know her primary purpose was taking inventory so she can meddle in property division

 

File. You don't really have any semblance of a husband to lose. He has checked out of the marriage and the sooner you file the sooner it will be over. You need a lawyer as intermediary to avoid any repeat performances by him and OW

 

If you aren't ready consult with an attorney anyway. Learn what divorce involves. Knowledge is power. Speculation is just your inner fears talking. Get educated.

[Arieswoman]

Dr R in R post #6

 

On the other side of things....do you think he's with this new girl because she stands up for him and gives him what he needs rather than asking him to be more than patient and over-compromising in order to make you happy? Other than valiantly standing up for him on an "anonymous" (lol...) forum, do you feel that maybe he felt you weren't willing to meet HIS needs halfway and finally moved on after finding someone who will, and eagerly so?

 

^^^ I call BS on this.

 

The wife is NOT, repeat NOT, responsible for the husband's decision to cheat - talk about "kicking a man when he's down", sheeesh.

 

OP, this was NOT your fault.

 

This toungue-in-cheek article from the Infidelity Help Group is interesting;

Yes, Their Affair Was Your Fault - Infidelity Help Group

 

Please file NOW - stay strong x

[ChickiePops]

You need a new guy.

 

1) He's your husband of 6 years, and sleeping/staying with someone else.

2) His mistress embarrassed you in front of him, and he doesn't even care.

3) He's already left.

4) He allowed someone to MAKE FUN OF being raped. That **** ain't cool. **** this guy.

 

On the other side of things....do you think he's with this new girl because she stands up for him and gives him what he needs rather than asking him to be more than patient and over-compromising in order to make you happy? Other than valiantly standing up for him on an "anonymous" (lol...) forum, do you feel that maybe he felt you weren't willing to meet HIS needs halfway and finally moved on after finding someone who will, and eagerly so?

 

Just offering another point of view. I'm sorry for your situation and hope you move past this and enjoy your newfound ability to manage your PTSD.

 

Severe PTSD is a medical condition. I'm sure that if she COULD meet his needs, she would. Of course he left because Rylie could not meet his needs and I agree that they are incompatible but blaming her for that is wrong. I'm sure she'd be perfectly willing to do what he wanted if she could.

 

For the record, I think a divorce is imminent. Rylie you and your husband aren't compatible anymore and that's fine..but he's being disgustingly cruel about it.

 

It's not that you're not good enough for him so don't ever think that. It's that you two aren't able to give each other what you need anymore. He's showing you who he really is right now. Believe him.

[mvictoriousc]

Having read the whole story, it really is a sad situation you are facing. I think he is ery disrespectful to ring the other woman to he place you and him once shared. I really do empathise with you a great deal. You will have to decide whether or not you wish to divorce him even though you have strong grounds to persue his.

In the mean time I think you should speak with relatives and or friends so that the burden would be lighter for you at his time. Also try seeking counsel for both post and present traumatic situation.

I do hope you find it in your heart to forgive hi one day because taking him and what he did to you in your heart isn't healthy for you.

Hope all works out for the better soon.

[Rylie]

At the beginning of August my husband walked out and didn't come home again other than two pick up his things a few times. He immediately began living with another woman, who may or may not have been in the picture before he left.

 

The basic reason he left was because he was unsatisfied with our sex life - both diagnosed with severe PTSD. I wasn't moving as fast as he wanted to move, so he moved on.

 

Two weeks ago he came over to talk about divorcing, up until then he wouldn't say whether he wanted to or not. It was extremely difficult seeing him. In a stupid moment of desperation to have my husband back I slept with him. Of course it wasn't mind blowing but it was better than before. I think because he didn't treat me like damaged goods but just "normal". It was stupid to do and I know it won't bring him back. It was even more stupid because it was unprotected and I know he is having unprotected sex with other women.

 

Where do we go from here? He has trying to call me to come over again to "talk". I don't know what I want anymore.

[Toodaloo]

At the beginning of August my husband walked out and didn't come home again other than two pick up his things a few times. He immediately began living with another woman, who may or may not have been in the picture before he left.

 

The basic reason he left was because he was unsatisfied with our sex life - both diagnosed with severe PTSD. I wasn't moving as fast as he wanted to move, so he moved on.

 

Two weeks ago he came over to talk about divorcing, up until then he wouldn't say whether he wanted to or not. It was extremely difficult seeing him. In a stupid moment of desperation to have my husband back I slept with him. Of course it wasn't mind blowing but it was better than before. I think because he didn't treat me like damaged goods but just "normal". It was stupid to do and I know it won't bring him back. It was even more stupid because it was unprotected and I know he is having unprotected sex with other women.

 

Where do we go from here? He has trying to call me to come over again to "talk". I don't know what I want anymore.

 

Your husband is spineless. I do not like the sound of him at all.

 

If the sex isn't mind blowing with him then why bother at all? Heck he seems to think that its a one way thing instead of two people mutually enjoying each other... Sod that... You have rocks that need attention too. Its not all about him.

 

The other woman sounds vile. Just speaks volumes for his terrible choices...

 

I think that you should get your friends together. Talk to them and make sure you have your support group. Then make the decision yourself as to whether YOU want to divorce HIM! Sod what he wants... What do YOU want?

 

You do not have to be passive about this. You can make your own choices and decisions about what happens in your life.

 

Do you want a man like that to really be a part of it? A man with so little dignity, tact, grace and who thinks with his penis?

 

Its your life and your choice. Empower yourself and start deciding what you want and to hell with him.

[AlphabetGirl]

At the beginning of August my husband walked out and didn't come home again other than two pick up his things a few times. He immediately began living with another woman, who may or may not have been in the picture before he left.

 

The basic reason he left was because he was unsatisfied with our sex life - both diagnosed with severe PTSD. I wasn't moving as fast as he wanted to move, so he moved on.

 

Two weeks ago he came over to talk about divorcing, up until then he wouldn't say whether he wanted to or not. It was extremely difficult seeing him. In a stupid moment of desperation to have my husband back I slept with him. Of course it wasn't mind blowing but it was better than before. I think because he didn't treat me like damaged goods but just "normal". It was stupid to do and I know it won't bring him back. It was even more stupid because it was unprotected and I know he is having unprotected sex with other women.

 

Where do we go from here? He has trying to call me to come over again to "talk". I don't know what I want anymore.

 

It's your decision but for your own wellbeing, I think you should divorce him.

 

He doesn't sound like a good person at all, and I'm ignoring the PTSD which isn't an excuse anyway. Nobody who's worthwhile will cheat on you and treat you like you're nothing. The other woman sounds just as bad.

 

Also, get tested for any STDs. You don't know exactly how many women he's slept with or if he has anything.

[Ahurtgirl]

Please remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible. You deserve someone so much better than him. It will only hurt you more to continue any type of contact or communication with him. Find a good friend or psychologist that can help you through the emotional struggles you are going through. I can't even imagine why type of woman would be so mean knowing what you have been through. Block him out of your life completely. Then take time to heal. The right man for you is out there and he will be understanding of your situation. There are many guys out there that have no sex drive or can't have sex but would be amazing partners/companions and they would never pressure you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rylie, you've been given a lot of good advice by all the good people who have responded to your posts. I think the consensus is that your husband is undeserving of you and by the looks of it, the woman he has chosen to shack up with seems to have risen from the gutter. No woman would insult and injure you the way she did and it shows a complete lack of womanly empathy on her part especially since you did her no harm. Your husband seems to be, as others have pointed out, a spineless wretch not worth wasting a second look. You are well rid of him.

 

You must steel yourself and let your brain work. Block your heart for the moment and only let your brain do the work for you. Are you employed? If so can you support yourself on your income? If not do you have family who can help? First organize a support group for yourself who will help you through the difficult times ahead of you. Then start taking positive action to distance yourself from your husband. Consult a lawyer and get to know your rights. Get yourself a really good lawyer who will fight your case tenaciously. Go for broke and get as much as you can from your stbx husband. Do not look at him as your husband but as your enemy who you have to defeat in battle. Any sentiments you may have for him need yo be squashed completely. If you are not employed check how you can improve on your existing qualifications to be able to get a reasonably well paying job. Yes, tough times are ahead but as they say in the military 'When the going gets tough the tough get going'. Make this your motto. Show your husband what a prize he lost in abandoning you for a cheapskate, tawdry tramp. Let him regret his decision to the grave. Live well and attract a man worthy of yourself who will love and cherish you always. Start now. Cheers.

[gaveup]

Just curious, how are things?