Would You Continue After Being Informed She Was A Cheater In Her Past

[BeHappy1227]

Hi,

 

I am looking to get some different views from folks here on LS. I am going to keep this short. There is not enough space here to list all events that transpired.

 

I was in a marriage 16yr. Divorced now for almost 2 years. My ex-cheated on me with the excuse of not being happy.

 

I met someone after it was all over but there were huge red flags. She told me she cheated on her ex-husbands (she was married twice) because she was not happy. Well, you could only imagine how I felt. I ended it after almost 1 year of being with this person. I could not trust her and her actions dictated she was just keeping me around and paying for things until something better comes along.

 

I do miss her but she had too many issues. I regret not pulling out sooner, I was heartbroken over it.

 

Ladies/Gents so my question is would you continue a relationship knowing your new partner has a history of being unfaithful?

[Alamo657]

Unfaithfulness is a personality trait.

 

It might come and go for long stretches of time (to your benefit sometimes), but eventually the person will feel the longing for excitement and novelty and leave.

 

The only question is, do you want to take the present happynness with the knowledge that this person can't be trusted once the honeymoon phase is over, or do you prefer to look for someone who never cheated in his/her life ?

 

In the end, i think i would simply avoid asking about the past and live in ignorant bliss. However, if someone is treating you like a doormat until someone "better" comes along, you need to go.

[Space Ritual]

Ladies/Gents so my question is would you continue a relationship knowing your new partner has a history of being unfaithful?

 

 

In order for a Cheater to become a safe person to be around, they have to do a boatload of work on themselves to find out why they really cheated [as being not happy is an often used but foolhardy excuse] and then to actually apply what they learn about themselves on a daily basis.

 

This often takes years to accomplish. most people don't have the constitution required to even attempt it, let alone be successful at it. In order to do that, the cheater must accept that there are no guarantees, and be willing to work on themselves, no matter what the outcome of future relationships may be..

 

So many find it too daunting a task to undertake. Years are what we are talking about, not just "Oh I learned my lesson and won't do it again".

 

That being said,i'd end it right then and there.

[central]

I would take many things into account, and would be wary of anyone who is a repeat cheater. Most cheaters do not repeat - there is little truth to that common idea. Just like most people who divorce don't repeatedly divorce - but it is always smart to understand the circumstances and the why of it.

 

 

So, I'd consider someone who had cheated once, or divorced once (I divorced once, too, after all, but I've never cheated), but since there are so many other people to choose from, I most likely would avoid a repeat offender.

[S2B]

No - I wouldn't continue. Mainly because I'm old - and if I've learned one thing... It's that there are people who will cheat and people who won't.

 

The people who cheat - cheat evenwhenthings in the relationship are very good - because they are broken people.

 

The people who won't cheat - don't no matter how bad it gets!

 

You can tell the character of the person by what they do - and what they don't do.

[BeHappy1227]

Thanks so far to who posted.

 

I know I did the right thing based on my previous experience just wish I did not miss her so much. It's funny I was on vacation and keep in mind this relationship has been over for a year already and I will not start something with anybody else until my feelings vanish but the vacation had me thinking if she changed and if she really loved me. I don't know where these emotions or feelings came from because I felt good for 11 months or I should say protected from her behaviors. I did the NC and still doing it but I have to admit I have been tempted in the last 2 weeks to see how she's doing.

[benpom]

Hi,

 

I am looking to get some different views from folks here on LS. I am going to keep this short. There is not enough space here to list all events that transpired.

 

I was in a marriage 16yr. Divorced now for almost 2 years. My ex-cheated on me with the excuse of not being happy.

 

I met someone after it was all over but there were huge red flags. She told me she cheated on her ex-husbands (she was married twice) because she was not happy. Well, you could only imagine how I felt. I ended it after almost 1 year of being with this person. I could not trust her and her actions dictated she was just keeping me around and paying for things until something better comes along.

 

I do miss her but she had too many issues. I regret not pulling out sooner, I was heartbroken over it.

 

Ladies/Gents so my question is would you continue a relationship knowing your new partner has a history of being unfaithful?

 

I believe everyone should be given a second chance, or even third chance, but only if they truly change. No one is flawless in this world.

 

People who truly learn from their mistakes and are ready to change will take responsibilities for their own actions and stop placing blames on others. And this is just the first step.

 

Using 'being unhappy' as an excuse is a way to shift blames. It is the opposite of taking responsibility for one's own action.

 

This lady clearly has not even made the first step to correct her problems.

[Friskyone4u]

I'd be REAL concerned if the only reasons she could come up with was that she was not happy. Many long term marriages or relationships encounter periods where both partners are not giddy and thrilled with their situation. So what would she have done when she was not happy again or did she really expect you to just have no concern for her past behavior. And by the way, past behavior is a pretty good indicator of propensities for the future.

 

Not saying it would be OK, but if she cheated twice on husbands because they were abusive or unfaithful or addicted to drugs or something, those reason might bear some more thought.

 

You did the right thing. There ARE women out there who will not use any excuse they can make up to drop their pants. You will find one.

[smackie9]

Run!!! FOREST RUN!!!!!!!!!!!

[smackie9]

It's one thing to have a ONS drunken mistake, but it's another being a serial cheater....using affairs to cope with your problems is a huge red flag.

[BlueIris]

There are people who cheat and never do again so it isn’t a fixed personality trait.

 

I think her “reasoning” (and your ex-wife’s) is really rotten though. She still views unhappiness as justification for lying to and betraying a partner. That thinking would be a 100% deal breaker for me, far more so than a one time loss of control or mistake that someone takes responsibility for. How someone thinks about cheating and especially their own cheating is very telling. To take it to a humorous extreme, imagine saying to her each morning, "Are you happy today sweetie?" (Geeze I hope so.)

No, it would be a cloud forever.

[pteromom]

It would be one thing if she cheated in her first marriage and then learned a big lesson and never did it again.

 

But to cheat in both her failed marriages? Proves she didn't learn anything the first time, and this is just her go-to when she is feeling unsatisfied.

 

You did the right thing.

[LastAcorn99]

I’m sorry about your divorce. Yes, anyone can make a mistake, and everyone deserves a second change. But, since you mentioned that this woman had two failed marriages where she was the cheating spouse, I would definitely be weary, because this seems to indicate an established pattern of behavior, a big red flag. I’m very confident that you made the right decision in ending the relationship. Take care!

[LostOnes05]

If she cheated on 2 husbands and you were to stay with her, you would've gotten an honorable Michael Jordan crying face. Good job on you breaking it off before she pulled the hat-trick on you.

[mikeylo]

I wouldn't even have to ask anyone's opinion on this. She has spelled it out to you straight away.

 

( you can give her some points for being honest and then exit )

[Wade Lamare]

It depends.

 

In your case I would think you were probably correct to end it.

 

Many cases are not quite so black and white though.

[road]

Hi,

 

I am looking to get some different views from folks here on LS. I am going to keep this short. There is not enough space here to list all events that transpired.

 

I was in a marriage 16yr. Divorced now for almost 2 years. My ex-cheated on me with the excuse of not being happy.

 

I met someone after it was all over but there were huge red flags. She told me she cheated on her ex-husbands (she was married twice) because she was not happy. Well, you could only imagine how I felt. I ended it after almost 1 year of being with this person. I could not trust her and her actions dictated she was just keeping me around and paying for things until something better comes along.

 

I do miss her but she had too many issues. I regret not pulling out sooner, I was heartbroken over it.

 

Ladies/Gents so my question is would you continue a relationship knowing your new partner has a history of being unfaithful?

 

 

In your case I most likely would of dumped her.

 

 

In most cases I would say never date a cheater.

 

 

Though there can be some exceptions.

[drifter777]

Hi,

 

I am looking to get some different views from folks here on LS. I am going to keep this short. There is not enough space here to list all events that transpired.

 

I was in a marriage 16yr. Divorced now for almost 2 years. My ex-cheated on me with the excuse of not being happy.

 

I met someone after it was all over but there were huge red flags. She told me she cheated on her ex-husbands (she was married twice) because she was not happy. Well, you could only imagine how I felt. I ended it after almost 1 year of being with this person. I could not trust her and her actions dictated she was just keeping me around and paying for things until something better comes along.

 

I do miss her but she had too many issues. I regret not pulling out sooner, I was heartbroken over it.

 

Ladies/Gents so my question is would you continue a relationship knowing your new partner has a history of being unfaithful?

No! I would end it immediately upon discovering she was a cheater. Sure, maybe she's changed but why risk my emotional well-being when I don't have to? I'd rather roll the dice with a random woman than spend time with a cheater.

[drifter777]

It depends.

 

In your case I would think you were probably correct to end it.

 

Many cases are not quite so black and white though.

From the standpoint of dating or getting engaged I think it is pretty black and white. I mean, whatever the reason she cheated doesn't mean much does it? Why risk being with a woman that has a history of betrayal? That doesn't mean she absolutely will cheat again but past performance is a reasonable reliable indicator of future

[Wade Lamare]

From the standpoint of dating or getting engaged I think it is pretty black and white. I mean, whatever the reason she cheated doesn't mean much does it? Why risk being with a woman that has a history of betrayal? That doesn't mean she absolutely will cheat again but past performance is a reasonable reliable indicator of future

 

I dunno.

 

What if she was with an abusive husband who slept around with multiple women and told her the marriage was over and was in the process of divorcing her.

Imagine she find a wonderful guy who took her in, loved her and made her feel safe.

Technically adulterous but I couldn't find it in my heart to blame her. That's just one example.

[gorf]

You are going to hear both ways. Some people have a dreary view on life and little faith in the fact that people can go through horrible stuff, and actually change their lives. Some say run cause they will do it agian, others say not necessairily. I disagree that once someone is a cheater they always will be. That's a hopeless view on life, people change, and people do have the ability and desire to better themselves and understand what went wrong and how to prevent it or stay away from things. Ya know, it depends why they cheated. For women it can be very different than men. But sometimes not so much. There are a ton of reasons, and saying "cause they were unhappy" is a typical but empty answer. There is more to it always. Why were they unhappy, and what were they trying to accomplish.

 

So your question, why would you continue to date someone who cheated in the past? Well.. depends how well you know them. How deeply have you talked to them, about cheating and their dark parts of life in general. What makes them tick. What drives them to say and do what they do. Once in the open, people sometimes realize how ugly their actions were in the past, and now they are with an understanding person who accepts honesty. They continue to recover for themselves, and you continue to build the relationship.

 

My short answer is, if someone is honest about why they cheated, that is huge. The answer can vary, and that is key. Cause it was fun? Cause they were looking for an out? Cause they were not looking for an out, but looking for a backup feeling like something was going to end between their partner, cause they needed more attention, cause they needed to feel needed, on and on.

 

Not all cheaters repeat. Just the same as not all smokers go back to smoking once they quit.

Edited September 18, 2016 by gorf