Couples Counseling Confession giving me pause

[Shika]

Hello! My partner of 4 years and I recently started couples counseling to work on some issues. He said something in yesterday's session that really bugs me and, while I am still processing everything, I would love to hear outside opinions on this. Am I overreacting?

 

Basically, we were discussing our vacation abroad where I felt uncomfortable when my partner made loud, disparaging comments about other people...loud enough for them to overhear. For example, we were standing in line and someone was eating fish and my partner loudly exclaimed, "What is that horrible fish smell? Oh my god! Gross." etc. This particularly bothered me because it's poor manners but also because I feel as a traveler in a foreign country, it is best to keep a low profile for safety reasons. (Disclosure: I am a trauma survivor and safety is typically a big concern for me. Partner is aware of this.)

 

In that moment, I said to him, "Honey, please lower your voice." and he said I was "nitpicking" and nagging him. I let it go in the moment, figuring I would either get over it or could talk to him about it later.

 

Later came in couples counseling. He said that he knew I was uncomfortable but that he thought I was wrong and he didn't care and in fact made him want to do MORE of the behavior just to spite me.

 

(This is just one example of several times his behavior has embarrassed me or caused me to feel unsafe in public. Other times include unsafe driving, other loud comments about strangers around us, pushing his way through crowds or with his shopping cart and cutting people off. Just generally rude stuff.)

 

His admission that he sometimes does things that bother me on purpose just as a way to say "F you" to me gave me chills. That he knows something makes me uncomfortable and continues to do it because he thinks my feelings are "wrong"....how would he feel if I continued to do something HE was uncomfortable with? I imagine not good. In my opinion, individuals in a partnership should do things to support the union despite maybe not 100% agreeing with their partners. Like, if it upset him if I went to lunch alone with a male coworker every day, I may think he is overreacting, but I would still show our relationship and his feelings the respect to stop doing that. (Not a real life example, btw.)

 

So am I just being a bit petty or is this indicative of a larger problem? I am seriously thinking of breaking up with him over this.

Edited September 14, 2016 by Shika

[Redhead14]

Hello! My partner of 4 years and I recently started couples counseling to work on some issues. He said something in yesterday's session that really bugs me and, while I am still processing everything, I would love to hear outside opinions on this. Am I overreacting?

 

Basically, we were discussing our vacation abroad where I felt uncomfortable when my partner made loud, disparaging comments about other people...loud enough for them to overhear. For example, we were standing in line and someone was eating fish and my partner loudly exclaimed, "What is that horrible fish smell? Oh my god! Gross." etc. This particularly bothered me because it's poor manners but also because I feel as a traveler in a foreign country, it is best to keep a low profile for safety reasons. (Disclosure: I am a trauma survivor and safety is typically a big concern for me. Partner is aware of this.)

 

In that moment, I said to him, "Honey, please lower your voice." and he said I was "nitpicking" and nagging him. I let it go in the moment, figuring I would either get over it or could talk to him about it later.

 

Later came in couples counseling. He said that he knew I was uncomfortable but that he thought I was wrong and he didn't care and in fact made him want to do MORE of the behavior just to spite me.

 

(This is just one example of several times his behavior has embarrassed me or caused me to feel unsafe in public. Other times include unsafe driving, other loud comments about strangers around us, pushing his way through crowds or with his shopping cart and cutting people off. Just generally rude stuff.)

 

His admission that he sometimes does things that bother me on purpose just as a way to say "F you" to me gave me chills. That he knows something makes me uncomfortable and continues to do it because he thinks my feelings are "wrong"....how would he feel if I continued to do something HE was uncomfortable with? I imagine not good. In my opinion, individuals in a partnership should do things to support the union despite maybe not 100% agreeing with their partners. Like, if it upset him if I went to lunch alone with a male coworker every day, I may think he is overreacting, but I would still show our relationship and his feelings the respect to stop doing that. (Not a real life example, btw.)

 

So am I just being a bit petty or is this indicative of a larger problem? I am seriously thinking of breaking up with him over this.

 

I would address this in a counseling session. You have entered counseling with the intent of making the relationship better/work. Things are going to come out in counseling, and that's the purpose -- to get everything out on the table and in the open and dealt with with the support of an unbiased person for evaluation and putting things in perspective. He needs to understand how this kind of thing affects you and he needs to address why it is he feels the need to undermine or otherwise disrespect your feelings. Get this out in the open. This is a valid concern and should be part of things to be worked on.

 

If you aren't serious about working on the relationship and are just going through the motions and actually set on ending it regardless, I'd say you're just looking for something to use to sabotage and get things done with.

[kgcolonel]

What are fundamental reasons for the couples counseling?

[Shika]

What are fundamental reasons for the couples counseling?

 

Lost my interest in sex. Libido still good (solo, no cheating) just not with him. We went to counseling to work out why and how to repair this if possible.

[Buddhist]

I would break up with a partner if that was the revelation. Who wants a partner who actively wants to aggravate you. Relationships are aggravating enough without someone going out their way to embarrass or cause you emotional turmoil. It's very passive aggressive behaviour and my interpretation would be he has some kind of latent resentment towards you going on. What did your therapist say?

[VeveCakes]

Lost my interest in sex. Libido still good (solo, no cheating) just not with him. We went to counseling to work out why and how to repair this if possible.

 

Your OP would be a good example of why....dude has no respect for you. Sorry

[Shika]

What did your therapist say?

 

She talked a bit about the importance of trust, safety, and control to trauma survivors and tried to guide my partner to an understanding of why what he did would be so upsetting to me (i.e. it was more about my need for safety in a unfamiliar environment than trying to be an ass to him) and that it wasn't about *him*. I'm not sure it clicked with him, we'll see?

 

She also gave us some homework to check out our interpretations of what the other has said by asking "Do you mean..." in our responses. He had really positive feelings coming out of the session but I have been feeling really guarded and kind of stunned. I will wait to talk about it next session. If I say anything to him now, he will ask, "This is how I am. So..what are you going to do?" implying a breakup and I haven't made my mind up yet, so...

 

Thank you all for helping me process this, seriously.

[BaileyB]

Yes, that's a very passive aggressive and immature response from your partner. I would not be impressed if someone did this to me either...

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I suspect his rude and aggressive behaviour might be what is holding you back from being intimate.

 

If you have dealt with trauma in the past and he keeps placing you in situations that make you feel uncomfortable, it is going to make it difficult to trust him. If that is the case, it is understandable that you wont feel the desire to have sex with him either.

 

I don't think you are overreacting. This is important for you, and it doesn't sound like he fully appreciates that. He has the right to be himself, but you don't have to stay with him. That is something you will have to decide for yourself.

[SoThatHappened]

He sounds like a "bag" with a capital "D."

 

No wonder you lost your sex drive with him.

 

He wants to do stuff to spite you? I'd dump his a$$, just to spite him then take your libido out on someone else.

[hippychick3]

I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound like something that counseling can "fix." This guy has some serious deep-rooted issues that make him want to cause you pain. Someone who truly loves you will want to protect you from pain and take care of you.

 

This revelation would cause me to end this relationship asap despite how deeply it would hurt to do so. I wouldn't want invest any more of my time into someone who wanted to hurt me so much. You deserve better and can do so much better.

[Gaeta]

She talked a bit about the importance of trust, safety, and control to trauma survivors and tried to guide my partner to an understanding of why what he did would be so upsetting to me (i.e. it was more about my need for safety in a unfamiliar environment than trying to be an ass to him) and that it wasn't about *him*. I'm not sure it clicked with him, we'll see?

 

She also gave us some homework to check out our interpretations of what the other has said by asking "Do you mean..." in our responses. He had really positive feelings coming out of the session but I have been feeling really guarded and kind of stunned. I will wait to talk about it next session. If I say anything to him now, he will ask, "This is how I am. So..what are you going to do?" implying a breakup and I haven't made my mind up yet, so...

 

Thank you all for helping me process this, seriously.

 

This sounds like craker jack couple counseling.

 

You don't feel like having sex with him because he is being an arse with you. When your partner resent you so much that he hurts you ON PURPOSE that means the relationship is over.

 

Save your money, dump the counselor and do yourself a big favor and throw the boyfriend over board. Who needs a man like this anyway!!

[kgcolonel]

I'll likely get dusted here but which started first, his obtuseness or your lack of interest in him? It sounds like he may really be feeling rejected by your lack of interest (if and only if) you lack began before his obtuseness. I am not defending his actions but trying to interpret them. Could this be the case?

 

I also see this building if it isn't addressed quickly.

[smackie9]

His behavior is so out there.....maybe he has a mental illness that hasn't been diagnosed yet like BPD.

 

Or you never disclosed that he is or was an alcoholic. Has he had a brain injury?

[preraph]

You're not being petty. You're finding out that in addition to him being rude, he's also passive aggressive towards you. So in essence, you are accomplishing finding the truth through couples counseling, and unless he shows some remorse and a willingness to change and some RESPECT for you and others, dump him. You gave it your best shot. He's a lout.

[Shika]

I'll likely get dusted here but which started first, his obtuseness or your lack of interest in him? It sounds like he may really be feeling rejected by your lack of interest (if and only if) you lack began before his obtuseness. I am not defending his actions but trying to interpret them. Could this be the case?

 

I also see this building if it isn't addressed quickly.

 

No dusting here, I appreciate your perspective. I agree maybe the history of being sexually rejected has contributed to some of his behavior. That does make sense and we have talked about his feeling unconnected and more hostile towards me as a result of not having a regular sex life.

 

However, in looking back, I see evidence of this sort of behavior before my sex drive took a nosedive and it seems to stretch across domains. For example, he was upset at having to report to work early for a training session and told me he was thinking about getting into a "minor" car accident on the way there and blame it on early morning fatigue to somehow send his boss a message. (He didn't...instead he showed up wrapped in a blanket and pouted.)

 

Things like this tell me his behavior has less to do with me and our relationship and is more just how he is.

 

Now I am wondering where my own self respect is and how I got so far down the rabbit hole of thinking surely he wasn't really this way for so long...

[Shika]

His behavior is so out there.....maybe he has a mental illness that hasn't been diagnosed yet like BPD.

 

Or you never disclosed that he is or was an alcoholic. Has he had a brain injury?

 

No drug or alcohol use. No brain injury that I am aware of. I always figured he was just really immature for his age (33). Probably undiagnosed ADHD if anything. Autism in his family. But nothing else I can think of.

[Gaeta]

However, in looking back, I see evidence of this sort of behavior before my sex drive took a nosedive and it seems to stretch across domains. For example, he was upset at having to report to work early for a training session and told me he was thinking about getting into a "minor" car accident on the way there and blame it on early morning fatigue to somehow send his boss a message. (He didn't...instead he showed up wrapped in a blanket and pouted.)

 

Sorry but that is not 'normal' people behavior. Something is definitely wrong with him. I cannot imagine spending a life time with a man like this and even worse having children with him.

 

Sounds like he needs a psychiatrist more than a couple counselor.

[kgcolonel]

Sorry but that is not 'normal' people behavior. Something is definitely wrong with him. I cannot imagine spending a life time with a man like this and even worse having children with him.

 

Sounds like he needs a psychiatrist more than a couple counselor.

 

Totally agree, he needs evaluation by a professional....at any rate, IMO, he is in no condition for a meaningful relationship....he needs help and (no offense) from a Dr. Not a girl friend....

[KatZee]

Lost my interest in sex. Libido still good (solo, no cheating) just not with him. We went to counseling to work out why and how to repair this if possible.

 

I think your lack of interest in sex with him is telling. Your subconcious could be highly turned off by his rude, arrogant, and blatantly offensive behavior.

 

I don't think therapy is needed for a person who realizes they no longer want to be intimate with their partner, it's a sign the relationship is over and on it's way out. You don't need to "therapize" your way back into bed with him. If you're not interested, you're not interested.

 

Since you haven't lost your libido, it's not a medical issue, definitely a mental one though. Same thing happened with my ex years ago. He was very disrespectful to me, would say rude things, act certain ways, and one day we were sleeping together and I realized 100% I wasn't into it at all, it wasn't good, pleasurable, and wasn't anything I wanted to be doing.

 

I think his spiteful behavior is definitely a huge red flag. Why would anyone want to be with someone who thinks their opinions and feelings are above yours and then intentionally go to embarrass you, hurt you, talk down to you, make you feel uncomfortable, and unsafe?

 

I personally wouldn't remain with someone who behaved this way. Not long term relationship material and most certainly not husband material.

[ChickiePops]

She talked a bit about the importance of trust, safety, and control to trauma survivors and tried to guide my partner to an understanding of why what he did would be so upsetting to me (i.e. it was more about my need for safety in a unfamiliar environment than trying to be an ass to him) and that it wasn't about *him*. I'm not sure it clicked with him, we'll see?

 

She also gave us some homework to check out our interpretations of what the other has said by asking "Do you mean..." in our responses. He had really positive feelings coming out of the session but I have been feeling really guarded and kind of stunned. I will wait to talk about it next session. If I say anything to him now, he will ask, "This is how I am. So..what are you going to do?" implying a breakup and I haven't made my mind up yet, so...

 

Thank you all for helping me process this, seriously.

 

 

Why is he bothering to go to counseling if he's not willing to make any changes?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Great question Kgcolonel

 

Lost my interest in sex. Libido still good (solo, no cheating) just not with him. We went to counseling to work out why and how to repair this if possible.

 

My first thought when your husband expressed he is doing things on purpose and to get at you was that he is carrying a lot of underlying resentment for you for something that is either unresolved or that he has not forgiven.

 

Could be sex, rejecting him sexually has made him build up resentment or something else in the issues that brought you to therapy.

 

If you have been having a lot problems outside of the bedroom it will certain affect your sexual drive because we tend to need that emotional connection to feel sexually turned on with our partners, especially after a long time of being together.

 

Of course what you heard is off-putting but you need to take the attitude that what you hear expressed in therapy as a learning opportunity. It is very hard at times, but try to plough through the resentment you feel when you hear things that will both shock you and make you very angry.

 

You will learn to read between the lines of what is being expressed and vice versa to get to the other side of what is driving the nasty actions.

[kendahke]

Why do you feel this relationship is worth saving? I read something today on either instagram or pinterest that said something to the effect of "just because you've spent 4 years on a mistake doesn't mean that you have to keep on making the same mistake".

 

If you have someone who knows of your trauma history and yet willfully engages in behavior for the express purpose to make you suffer--make you feel unsafe on purpose to watch you squirm---and you know this about him and have spent 4 years trying not to see it---then I suggest you stop couples therapy and get into your own therapy with someone else who can help you to figure out why you have trashed your own best interests in order to be with someone who has contempt for your esteem.

 

Let's say he was beating you senseless instead of embarrassing you and putting you in dangerous situations through his actions with strangers---would you be spending your hard earned money on couples therapy trying to make him be who he isn't interested in being for you or would you be out of that relationship?

[Sunkissedpatio]

I don't think therapy is needed for a person who realizes they no longer want to be intimate with their partner, it's a sign the relationship is over and on it's way out. You don't need to "therapize" your way back into bed with him. If you're not interested, you're not interested.

 

 

Strongly disagree with this.

 

The libido is something that can wain in a long term relationship and it can certainly come back by rebuilding emotional intimacy and trust. And it all depends on whether the attraction is still there. If you are repulsed by your partner physically that is one thing, if you are simply not feeling sexual towards them because the hardships of the relationship have taken an emotional tol (too much fighting, incapable of compromising on fundamental issues, feeling like they have emotionally distanced themselves from each other, broken trust due to things said and done in arguments) is a very different thing.

[kendahke]

"This is how I am. So..what are you going to do?" implying a breakup and I haven't made my mind up yet, so...

 

Yes. This is how he is. He may never change this about himself because it works for him.

 

So indeed, the question is "what are you going to do about it"? Stay with him and take this off of him until the day when someone strikes back at the both of you?

 

The thought of losing you isn't making him change tack. You really need to sit with that and think long and hard about it and why you need such a person in your intimacy, your body, your home, your heart and your mind.

 

I'd say he was happy today because he unexpectedly found a new way to instill fear in you--and if your mind wasn't made up the moment after this came out of his mouth, then I don't know what can be said by strangers to get you there.