Couples Counseling Confession giving me pause

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh boy the whole point of couples therapy is to break down the barriers that couples build to protect themselves from each other and to get to the root of what is driving the destructive behaviours.

 

Shouldn't they give it a minute before the OP jumps to conclusions about what her man is saying after only one session?

 

He may be set in his ways or he may still be hiding behind the wall. If the whole point was to go to therapy to avoid a split, I say at least give it a fair chance before all the preconceived notions become a realty and a self-fulfilled prophesy. Therapy isn't supposed to be easy or a forum to exchange ideal constructive thoughts, if they were capable of doing that easily they wouldn't need therapy.

 

Otherwise what's the point?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hello! My partner of 4 years and I recently started couples counseling to work on some issues. He said something in yesterday's session that really bugs me and, while I am still processing everything, I would love to hear outside opinions on this. Am I overreacting?

 

Basically, we were discussing our vacation abroad where I felt uncomfortable when my partner made loud, disparaging comments about other people...loud enough for them to overhear. For example, we were standing in line and someone was eating fish and my partner loudly exclaimed, "What is that horrible fish smell? Oh my god! Gross." etc. This particularly bothered me because it's poor manners but also because I feel as a traveler in a foreign country, it is best to keep a low profile for safety reasons. (Disclosure: I am a trauma survivor and safety is typically a big concern for me. Partner is aware of this.)

 

In that moment, I said to him, "Honey, please lower your voice." and he said I was "nitpicking" and nagging him. I let it go in the moment, figuring I would either get over it or could talk to him about it later.

 

Later came in couples counseling. He said that he knew I was uncomfortable but that he thought I was wrong and he didn't care and in fact made him want to do MORE of the behavior just to spite me.

 

(This is just one example of several times his behavior has embarrassed me or caused me to feel unsafe in public. Other times include unsafe driving, other loud comments about strangers around us, pushing his way through crowds or with his shopping cart and cutting people off. Just generally rude stuff.)

 

His admission that he sometimes does things that bother me on purpose just as a way to say "F you" to me gave me chills. That he knows something makes me uncomfortable and continues to do it because he thinks my feelings are "wrong"....how would he feel if I continued to do something HE was uncomfortable with? I imagine not good. In my opinion, individuals in a partnership should do things to support the union despite maybe not 100% agreeing with their partners. Like, if it upset him if I went to lunch alone with a male coworker every day, I may think he is overreacting, but I would still show our relationship and his feelings the respect to stop doing that. (Not a real life example, btw.)

 

So am I just being a bit petty or is this indicative of a larger problem? I am seriously thinking of breaking up with him over this.

 

Whoa! Shika! This is not a small thing! THIS IS HUGE. He doesn't respect you! My feelings are that w/o respect, the partnership or relationship is OVER. Some people can cope with no love, but no respect breeds something entirely different and subversive. Ugh.

[Mrin]

Ok I figured that most people would say this wasn't minor but I wasn't expecting the OMG this is huge dump him now he has something wrong with him reaction that I am seeing.

 

I guess I can be off base too. Ha. OP: I'd ask him what his intent was behind these actions. If it is some sort of childish rebellion or provocation that's one thing. If it is some anger based resentment or maliciousness it is entirely something else and more severe.

[kendahke]

OP--you give things like this a chance when we're talking about balancing work obligations with relationship obligations. There is no reasoning with someone who enjoys making you feel unsafe and uncomfortable. That is a form of abuse, not some minor character flaw.

 

What do you say to a person you already know--due to patterns set up in the 4 years prior to this post appearing here--will automatically reach for "this is who I am, what are you going to do about it"? That is a challenge from someone who doesn't want to relinquish power, not someone who cares how his behavior affects you.

 

Not all relationships should be saved.

[kendahke]

OP--you give things like this a chance when we're talking about balancing work obligations with relationship obligations. There is no reasoning with someone who enjoys making you feel unsafe and uncomfortable. That is a form of abuse, not some minor character flaw.

 

What do you say to a person you already know--due to patterns set up in the 4 years prior to this post appearing here--will automatically reach for "this is who I am, what are you going to do about it"? That is a challenge from someone who doesn't want to relinquish power, not someone who cares how his behavior affects you.

 

Not all relationships should be saved.

 

To be clear here that this isn't about a petty squabble over toothpaste caps or wet towels on the floor, but some real, serious core character issues:

 

Basically, we were discussing our vacation abroad where I felt uncomfortable when my partner made loud, disparaging comments about other people...loud enough for them to overhear.

 

In that moment, I said to him, "Honey, please lower your voice." and he said I was "nitpicking" and nagging him.

 

Later came in couples counseling. He said that he knew I was uncomfortable but that he thought I was wrong and he didn't care and in fact made him want to do MORE of the behavior just to spite me.

 

(This is just one example of several times his behavior has embarrassed me or caused me to feel unsafe in public. Other times include unsafe driving, other loud comments about strangers around us, pushing his way through crowds or with his shopping cart and cutting people off. Just generally rude stuff.)

 

His admission that he sometimes does things that bother me on purpose just as a way to say "F you" to me gave me chills. That he knows something makes me uncomfortable and continues to do it because he thinks my feelings are "wrong"....

 

OP--In order for couple's therapy to work, you both need to be two emotionally/mentally healthy individuals capable of empathy and consideration for the other. It's not going to work when one person feels they don't have a problem, it's all in their partner's head and they need to get over themselves. I would never encourage you to continue to put your psyche in harm's way by telling you to be quiet and let him be how he wants to be... that's irresponsible.

[Sunkissedpatio]

The whole point of therapy is to make people emotionally healthy. Yes there has to be willingness on both parts but in the initial sessions there may be resistance all depending on how much has happened.

 

People go to therapy to save relationships from infidelity or sex obsessions and yet one individual is clearly not mentally healthy and probably is resisting things initially. Drug addicts go to therapy resisting things....C'mon!

 

That question is has he always been like this throughout the relationship or has that started recently? And did he realize he had an issue when agreeing to go to therapy or was it done to appease your need/request Shika?

Edited September 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gaeta]

B

The whole point of therapy is to make people emotionally healthy. Yes there has to be willingness on both parts but in the initial sessions there may be resistance all depending on how much has happened.

 

People go to therapy to save relationships from infidelity or sex obsessions and yet one individual is clearly not mentally healthy and probably is resisting things initially. Drug addicts go to therapy resisting things....C'mon!

 

That question is has he always been like this throughout the relationship or has that started recently? And did he realize he had an issue when agreeing to go to therapy or was it done to appease your need/request Shika?

 

A couple therapist isn't qualify to treat mental illness. A professional couple therapy has to refer his patient to the proper psychologist or psychiatrist whan faced with a pathology. You would trust your couple therapist to treat your boyfriend's chronic depression or BP? Not l.

[Sunkissedpatio]

B

 

A couple therapist isn't qualify to treat mental illness. A professional couple therapy has to refer his patient to the proper psychologist or psychiatrist whan faced with a pathology. You would trust your couple therapist to treat your boyfriend's chronic depression or BP? Not l.

 

Can you please direct me to where it was stated this man has a mental disorder? Because I've not read that in this thread. I did see speculation of ADHD and family history of autism but no mention of the above.

 

I'm responding to what has been disclosed here not on hypotheticals.

[Buddhist]

Ok I figured that most people would say this wasn't minor but I wasn't expecting the OMG this is huge dump him now he has something wrong with him reaction that I am seeing.

 

What he's displaying is a lack of empathy for another person. That is why people are saying get rid of him. It's the same trait as psychopaths. If someone takes pleasure in your discomfort that isn't something to stick around for and typically isn't something that's going to change.

 

Lack of empathy + testosterone aggression + physically larger isn't an equation many women are comfortable with. I think what a lot of men don't understand is that as a female you do consider safety on a daily basis. I doubt men live with the idea they can't defend themselves against most aggressors in the back of their mind. Nor the statistic that most women who suffer harm do so at the hands of people known to them. That's what he's triggered in the OP, the idea that actually he may do her real harm because he doesn't care about her at all, and worse he's displaying resentment towards her which would be motivation for escalating this.

[SpiralOut]

He has anger problems, and it sounds like he has low emotional intelligence.

 

I wouldn't have lasted that long with such a man, personally. If you want to stick it out or not is up to you. If he seems receptive to the counselling, then it might be worth trying to fix.

[Gaeta]

Can you please direct me to where it was stated this man has a mental disorder? Because I've not read that in this thread. I did see speculation of ADHD and family history of autism but no mention of the above.

 

I'm responding to what has been disclosed here not on hypotheticals.

 

We are saying his problems are much bigger than just communication problems and he odd to go see a professional one on one to confirm there isn't anything else at play here.

 

His behavior and thinking is worrisome. The man was considering getting in a car accident just to miss work for goodness sake !! you would call that a balanced individual??

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

His behavior and thinking is worrisome. The man was considering getting in a car accident just to miss work for goodness sake !! you would call that a balanced individual??

 

Yes I read that. But in turn I would also question how balanced an individual is who would consider staying in a relationship with someone who is seriously contemplating something like that.

[Gaeta]

Yes I read that. But in turn I would also question how balanced an individual is who would consider staying in a relationship with someone who is seriously contemplating something like that.

 

I agree.

 

Except her problem doesn't involve harming herself just to stay home a lazy morning.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I agree.

 

Except her problem doesn't involve harming herself just to stay home a lazy morning.

 

Oh and I agree with that!! I question both sides of a story when people post examples that to the rest of sound like "why in the world would you be with someone like that?"

 

 

I'd like to think the OP has enough awareness that if walking away wasn't the first decision and CT was, that she is highlighting her concerns but also feels there is more to salvage than these mentioned incidents.

 

Again, the original post was about being frustrated because harsh truths came out in 1 session of therapy. There will be a lot of hard truths because that is the nature of CT. What I'm merely suggesting is if you are willing to do it then you need more than one uncomfortable session to break through things.

 

Of course she can walk away, it's easy for us to say that we are not emotionally invested but it is not our choice. She is choosing to see what and if therapy can fix things so she needs to give it a bit, 1 session is nothing.

[Redhead14]

Oh and I agree with that!! I question both sides of a story when people post examples that to the rest of sound like "why in the world would you be with someone like that?"

 

 

I'd like to think the OP has enough awareness that if walking away wasn't the first decision and CT was, that she is highlighting her concerns but also feels there is more to salvage than these mentioned incidents.

 

Again, the original post was about being frustrated because harsh truths came out in 1 session of therapy. There will be a lot of hard truths because that is the nature of CT. What I'm merely suggesting is if you are willing to do it then you need more than one uncomfortable session to break through things.

 

Of course she can walk away, it's easy for us to say that we are not emotionally invested but it is not our choice. She is choosing to see what and if therapy can fix things so she needs to give it a bit, 1 session is nothing.

 

This is my point as well. Therapy is hard and it gets harder before it gets better. It's like cleaning closets . . . you make a bigger mess before the closet gets reorganized.

[Gaeta]

This is my point as well. Therapy is hard and it gets harder before it gets better. It's like cleaning closets . . . you make a bigger mess before the closet gets reorganized.

 

I still feel their therapist isn't qualified. A lot of people improvise themselves couple counselors and aren't registered professionals.

 

Boyfriend said: he didn't care and in fact made him want to do MORE of the behavior just to spite me. And she sends them home with homework on 'using proper words'...What else he confined in her, about causing traffic accidents? hurting him-selves? hurting her? and she sends them home with homework !

 

Reminds me when I went in couple therapy with my ex-husband and he admitted to therapist he sometimes felt like cutting me up with a knife. She too sent us home with homework on communication....

[Sunkissedpatio]

This is my point as well. Therapy is hard and it gets harder before it gets better. It's like cleaning closets . . . you make a bigger mess before the closet gets reorganized.

 

That's a great analogy.

 

People envision therapy as the breezy touchy feely hour that will magically fix things by our mere willingness to participate once a week. It gets very uncomfortable at times, it will cause further arguments other times, and we will hear things we really wished we hadn't so if that is the path chosen there has to been a certain level of acceptance on that front.

 

It's far from easy and why so many don't wish to explore it. But to say that you have to be "emotionally healthy" before doing it is just misguidance.

 

http://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/index.aspx

Edited September 15, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Redhead14]

I still feel their therapist isn't qualified. A lot of people improvise themselves couple counselors and aren't registered professionals.

 

Boyfriend said: he didn't care and in fact made him want to do MORE of the behavior just to spite me. And she sends them home with homework on 'using proper words'...What else he confined in her, about causing traffic accidents? hurting him-selves? hurting her? and she sends them home with homework !

 

Reminds me when I went in couple therapy with my ex-husband and he admitted to therapist he sometimes felt like cutting me up with a knife. She too sent us home with homework on communication....

 

Then your couples counselor was not, shall we say, on his/her game. Most good couples therapists are qualified and experienced enough to identify pathological/psychological conditions that need more extensive treatment. And, will advise a client who may be in danger to remove her/himself from the situation.

 

What the OP's partner does is not a threat of physical violence and is rather more of an immature way of dealing with conflict. It is emotionally abusive and this is a long-term relationship that the pair has decided to try to repair/restore, etc. Otherwise, I'd tell her she should consider leaving him. It's too soon for this therapist to know or decide that there is a specific pathology for either of these clients. Right now, its a relationship issue not a psychological condition. He or she, will direct them accordingly if necessary for psychological intervention if he or she is a good couples therapist. Depending on their degree/clinical experience/expertise, they know what they are looking at.

 

If the OP feels that he is a threat to her, she should extricate herself regardless of what the therapist tells her. It doesn't appear to me that that is a concern.

 

I mean't to say, also, that couples therapy is simply a specialty and if the therapist is a LCSW, MSW, has their Master's Degree, they are qualified to diagnosis, counsel/treat psychological conditions. However, if they are specializing in couples therapy and not dealing on a regular basis with specific mental illnesses, they will leave it to another therapist and/or psychologist. They would not, typically, take on one partner of the couple for individual treatment of a "more complicated" issue.

Edited September 15, 2016 by Redhead14

[elaine567]

Basically, we were discussing our vacation abroad where I felt uncomfortable when my partner made loud, disparaging comments about other people...loud enough for them to overhear. For example, we were standing in line and someone was eating fish and my partner loudly exclaimed, "What is that horrible fish smell? Oh my god! Gross." etc. This particularly bothered me because it's poor manners but also because I feel as a traveler in a foreign country, it is best to keep a low profile for safety reasons. (Disclosure: I am a trauma survivor and safety is typically a big concern for me. Partner is aware of this.)

 

In that moment, I said to him, "Honey, please lower your voice." and he said I was "nitpicking" and nagging him. I let it go in the moment, figuring I would either get over it or could talk to him about it later.

 

Later came in couples counseling. He said that he knew I was uncomfortable but that he thought I was wrong and he didn't care and in fact made him want to do MORE of the behavior just to spite me.

 

 

So he didn't really get that loudly proclaiming someone smells badly in public is a no-no.

He thought he was right to say that, as it was "the truth", and you were "wrong" for pulling him up on it?

Sounds a bit like the "brutal honesty" that some on the autistic spectrum exhibit. He didn't "get" the embarrassment or the hurting of the guy's feelings or the fact that guy could have got nasty?

 

Has he any other traits or behaviours that could be seen as "autistic"?

 

Brutal honesty

 

Just a thought.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I still feel their therapist isn't qualified. A lot of people improvise themselves couple counselors and aren't registered professionals.

 

...

 

Again, how can you determine based on what's been disclosed here after one session of therapy that this therapist isn't qualified?

 

I get that you had a bad experience, and I get that therapists "may misrepresent" themselves but you can also look at this from the other perspective which is that the expectation is that this therapist is qualified. And they are what they say they are.

 

Of course one needs to decide eventually if a therapist is good but it takes a while to determine that as well.

[pteromom]

Lost my interest in sex. Libido still good (solo, no cheating) just not with him. We went to counseling to work out why and how to repair this if possible.

 

Ummm... why would you want to sleep with someone who acts this way, especially on PURPOSE?

 

This is an open and shut case. If he wants to increase your libido, he needs to start being kind and respectful and cooperative. Yikes.

[pteromom]

He considered getting into a minor car crash on purpose to teach his boss a lesson?

 

Yeahhhhh...this guy has issues.

 

You can continue counseling and see it out, but I don't think you would be wrong to just move on.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't know either of you but some thoughts:

 

1. If he is naturally rude and offensive, I don't understand why OP stayed with him for 4 years. This would have been obvious very early on, it's not something that comes to light after 4 years, unless something in a relationship made him do this stuff.

 

2. "Low libido", especially low libido with him as an excuse for no sex is not cool. Part of having regular sex is also making your partner happy even if you are not 100% in the mood. I think it's pretty selfish to stay in a relationship and deny someone sex for prolonged periods of time. If you don't care to make him happy, why would you expect him to care to make you happy? Someone has to give and it may just as well start with you.

 

3. Him making comments about "causing an accident" to avoid work doesn't automatically make him a psychopath. When we are comfortable in a LTR, we say all kinds of stupid stuff that would look bad in isolation. Like "I want to kill my boss" doesn't mean you actually mean it.

 

4. I once dated a guy who found things I naturally did "rude". He would always "call me out" and tell me that I embarrassed him in a supermarket and yelled at him when I just spoke passionately about a non-personal topic so my voice volume may have slightly higher than what he considers "normal". Before that guy, nobody in 30+ years of my life has accused me of yelling. So I felt really annoyed and nagged that he was getting offended over every little thing and was causing pointless conflict and drama. So I ended it.

 

It just kind of sounds to me like everyone is piling on with "poor OP" when I bet her partner would make a very different post.

[Gr8fuln2020]

What he's displaying is a lack of empathy for another person. That is why people are saying get rid of him. It's the same trait as psychopaths. If someone takes pleasure in your discomfort that isn't something to stick around for and typically isn't something that's going to change.

 

I am not pushing for her to dump the guy, but she should not minimize this in any way.

 

This is more than "lack of empathy." This is pre-meditated, underminingly and pro-active efforts to make her uncomfortable. This is cruelty. There is definitely something going on with him. Mental illness or not, people who do respect you, HATE you behave this way.

[Lois_Griffin]

Lost my interest in sex. Libido still good (solo, no cheating) just not with him. We went to counseling to work out why and how to repair this if possible.

LOL. This douche canoe is his own best birth control.