Couples Counseling Confession giving me pause

[Sunkissedpatio]

I am not pushing for her to dump the guy, but she should not minimize this in any way.

 

This is more than "lack of empathy." This is pre-meditated, underminingly and pro-active efforts to make her uncomfortable. This is cruelty. There is definitely something going on with him. Mental illness or not, people who do respect you, HATE you behave this way.

 

You've never done something in a premeditated way to irritate another person because they got under your skin some way?

 

I know I have to my partners and I also have a deep capacity for empathy and I'm no sociopath.

 

And again, he might have just said that to her in a bout of resentment because he felt criticized for talking loudly and possibly even embarrassed.

[hippychick3]

The problem is that these are not just normal "relationship" issues.

 

These are fundamental personality/character/mental state issues that this guy has. This guy is a volcano waiting to explode, and no amount of couples therapy is going to fix it.

 

This is like taking your broken down car into the bicycle shop to get fixed.

[LD1990]

It just kind of sounds to me like everyone is piling on with "poor OP" when I bet her partner would make a very different post.

 

I completely agree. I can't believe people are acting like this guy is some psychopath just because he sometimes gets mad or says rude things.

 

He acted passive-aggressive because he got sick of being scolded like a child. Has no one else acted passive-aggressive before?

 

Saying he'd get into a car accident to get back at his boss for making him work early is obviously a joke. It's black comedy. I've made worse jokes than that, plenty of people I know also have, perhaps we're all just psychopaths though.

 

Maybe the guy is rude, but that doesn't make him a monster, it doesn't mean he's autistic, and it doesn't mean he's a woman beater. Christ, cut the guy some slack people.

[Ruby Slippers]

If I say anything to him now, he will ask, "This is how I am. So..what are you going to do?" implying a breakup and I haven't made my mind up yet, so...

It's the right question. It gets right to the point. He's shown you who he really is. And in response, your body is recoiling from sex with him. I think that tells you what you need to know. People don't tend to change much. This relationship doesn't have what it takes to bear fruit. Figuratively speaking.

[Buddhist]

Maybe the guy is rude, but that doesn't make him a monster, it doesn't mean he's autistic, and it doesn't mean he's a woman beater. Christ, cut the guy some slack people.

 

Hes not just rude, but by his own admission does it on purpose to cause anxiety in the OP. Thats diagnostic criteria for high level arse, maybe more. I wouldn't be sticking around to found out what the 'more' part is. OP is welcome to but not me.

[KatZee]

Strongly disagree with this.

 

The libido is something that can wain in a long term relationship and it can certainly come back by rebuilding emotional intimacy and trust. And it all depends on whether the attraction is still there. If you are repulsed by your partner physically that is one thing, if you are simply not feeling sexual towards them because the hardships of the relationship have taken an emotional tol (too much fighting, incapable of compromising on fundamental issues, feeling like they have emotionally distanced themselves from each other, broken trust due to things said and done in arguments) is a very different thing.

 

Agree to disagree then.

 

Not sure why anyone would want to go to therapy to work out "issues" of disrespect, emotional abuse, disregard of emotions, clearly pushing buttons "just because."

 

I was still attracted to my ex, but no amount of therapy would have fixed what was wrong with him.

 

I don't think anyone needs to go to therapy for someone ELSE'S problem, and I don't think anyone needs to remain in a relationship, long-term or otherwise, just for some false sense of loyalty or a feeling that you owe them something, or don't want to "throw away" years of a relationship.

 

No one should stay in a relationship where they're being abused, neglected, feeling unsafe. Let that person go, and let them doing individual counseling if they so choose.

[Toodaloo]

Lost my interest in sex. Libido still good (solo, no cheating) just not with him. We went to counseling to work out why and how to repair this if possible.

 

Can I just point out that its not unreasonable to not want to have sex with a person who belittles you and makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

I know you are counselling and all but this guy you are with is a total jerk.

 

He is purposefully going out of his way to antagonise and hurt you.

 

That is not attractive, you do not need to accept that.

 

Get rid and you will soon find a guy who doesn't treat you this way and I doubt you will have any of the sex issues with him!

 

This guy is no good. You wouldn't keep mouldy cheese in the fridge so don't keep this guy.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Agree to disagree then.

 

Not sure why anyone would want to go to therapy to work out "issues" of disrespect, emotional abuse, disregard of emotions, clearly pushing buttons "just because."

 

I was still attracted to my ex, but no amount of therapy would have fixed what was wrong with him.

 

I don't think anyone needs to go to therapy for someone ELSE'S problem, and I don't think anyone needs to remain in a relationship, long-term or otherwise, just for some false sense of loyalty or a feeling that you owe them something, or don't want to "throw away" years of a relationship.

 

No one should stay in a relationship where they're being abused, neglected, feeling unsafe. Let that person go, and let them doing individual counseling if they so choose.

 

Because she hasn't disclosed what her negative traits are. Couple counselling assumes both parties contribute to the breakdown, other you are right - it's insane to go to CT for one individuals issues.

[Gaeta]

Because she hasn't disclosed what her negative traits are. Couple counselling assumes both parties contribute to the breakdown, other you are right - it's insane to go to CT for one individuals issues.

 

Because her negative traits would justify his?

 

When you both participate to the break down of the relationship. When you are willingly hurting your partner, when you despise each other then you separate, you don't go in counseling.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Because her negative traits would justify his?

 

I didn't say that, I said it justifies CT because both people assume their negative contributions.

 

The OP has decided "they" need therapy if she felt he was "out of his mind" she would leave him, not explore salvaging the rel.

[Toodaloo]

The OP has decided "they" need therapy if she felt he was "out of his mind" she would leave him, not explore salvaging the rel.

 

You would be surprised at the lengths people will go to be loyal to worthless partners and people who do not deserve the time of day.

 

Any human being who is being treated like that needs to get out.

 

This guy is pushing as far as he can go and is continually pushing to see how much of his crap she will "take".

 

Sod that- its a waste of time.

 

Better off not wasting time or money on people like that.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Sure, I understand some relationships are worth saving others are not.

I don't know enough about this relation to say so either way, but I do know that the confessions that come out in CT, are often uncomfortable and need time to work through.

 

It blows my mind also how people have determined the therapist is useless and not a real therapist too. That one is a real head-scratcher.

 

Not here to debate if they should be in therapy or not, here to respond to the question asked in the OP re. the confession giving her pause. Therapy has already been decided it seems.

[Redhead14]

Sure, I understand some relationships are worth saving others are not.

I don't know enough about this relation to say so either way, but I do know that the confessions that come out in CT, are often uncomfortable and need time to work through.

 

It blows my mind also how people have determined the therapist is useless and not a real therapist too. That one is a real head-scratcher.

 

Not here to debate if they should be in therapy or not, here to respond to the question asked in the OP re. the confession giving her pause. Therapy has already been decided it seems.

 

It's very telling, actually, that the OP entered into counseling, had one session and is now focusing on one thing and already looking for an out. It says that the OP looks for ways to duck issues when things get uncomfortable instead of addressing it head on which may be part of the reason that they are struggling as a couple. I'm just saying that this needs to be explored. This guy isn't right for doing what he does, however, we don't really know yet if it's just a immature response to something she's doing that is/was hurtful to him (could be pent up resentment). Couples get into an unconscious "tit for tat" mode. Her way of dealing with things may be as immature as his way. That's the thing that needs to be explored. Each partner needs to evaluate how they do things and own them if it's not healthy. They need to ask themselves what they can be doing better or differently as individuals.

 

Relationships get messed up over a period of time and it's hard to untangle and so "repair" doesn't happen overnight either.

 

That's one of the frustrating things for therapists . . . as individuals, the parties involved each think they are right and they dig their heals in. And, they never ask themselves -- "how's that working?"

 

It blows my mind also how people have determined the therapist is useless and not a real therapist too -- That attitude is the result of thinking that the couple is going to plop themselves in the therapist's office, spew all their complaints about their partners and then the therapist is going to give them some kind of magic formula that fixes or changes the partner that has been hidden from the world and kept secret by therapists so they can get more clients . . .

 

And, each partner thinks the other one needs "fixing", when they actually both need "fixing".

 

They brought their broken relationship to a therapist who is supposed to figure out what's wrong in a session or two when it took the couple years to trash doing things their way. All the therapist can think is "you don't like what I have to say or suggest but you two trashed your relationship by doing things your way -- Well, "how's that working for yas?"

 

Sometimes, each party needs to be sent back home to their parents so they can finish the job they started.

 

And, one more thing. I'd also tell the couple that if either of them is not serious about working things out and dealing with the hard stuff and willing to try doing things differently and be patient with themselves and each other, they might as well, end the relationship because I don't need their money badly enough to waste my time (albeit paid) on them when there are families struggling with bigger/more serious problems, like one of their children has a brain tumor, or their wife was murdered and the father is now raising 5 children alone . . .

 

If I were the therapist in this situation and the OP told me that she was considering bailing after one session and one uncomfortable revelation, I would end the couples sessions and start working one on one with each party for a while and then have them do joint sessions again.

Edited September 16, 2016 by Redhead14

[LD1990]

The guy is being open and honest, which is necessary for therapy to work. Yes, he is admitting something that doesn't paint him in the best light, but it amazes me how many posters here are sitting on their high horses tearing him apart. It's a 4-year relationship. Any time you're with someone that long, there are bound to be times your partner gets on your nerves, and lashing out happens.

 

All we have to go on is the OP's perspective of the situation, which seems extremely dramatic and one-sided. "His admission that he sometimes does things that bother me on purpose just as a way to say 'F you' to me gave me chills." Chills, really? Give me a break.

 

She has felt embarrassed and unsafe in public, because of this man's despicable crimes, including...pushing his way through crowds? Cutting people off? Yeah, what a menace to society.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Shika, guess you have a genuine problem. Can you let us know what your ethniticy and that of your partner is? From what I can make out he is not from Western culture, at least not from Western Europe and North America. Such kind of behaviour would generally be anathema to some one brought up in a suave and cultured environment and schooling. While your partner may be basically a good person at heart, his exposure to a poor behavioural environment in his formative years has ingrained in him an attitude that uncouth, rude behaviour is par for the course and something that he, as a macho man , is entitled to exhibit in public because it is something that enhances his public image in the eyes of others.

 

The old saying" Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread" seems to hold good in his case. In any case what is obvious is that the two of you are incompatible and it is better that you cut your losses now before you are deep into the relationship and there are kids on the scene. It seems ominous to me that the two of you have had to visit a Marriage counsellor or any other counsellor before the two of you are bound together in wedlock. Any way this is what I think but I may be wrong because, as someone else has said , we have only heard your side of the story. Whichever way the wind blows, I wish you all the very best for the future and a very Happy life going forward. Cheers.

[Whoknew30]

Really think though, how would you expect him to treat you, when you're in therapy bc you don't want to have sex but say your libido is fine? How would you feel if he said that to you "my sex drive is fine but I just don't want to have sex with you"? That's a HUGE cut down. Why even put him through that? Therapy isn't going to all of a sudden make you want him sexually, if there isn't anything really going on with your sex drive hormonally or emotionally.

 

It's a lot of problems without some "real issues" going on other than, you're both hurting each other's feelings. Not married, no kids, traveling around & you're in therapy...what's it going to be like when big life issues come up?

[devilish innocent]

How often does he behave this? Is this who he usually is, or is this just when he's really grouchy? We all have our dark sides. Frankly, I'd be a lot more concerned about somebody who is able to make themselves sound like an angel when they're in therapy. That would be a sign of somebody who is trying to manipulate the therapist into thinking they're the only wronged party. If somebody is willing to admit their darkest thoughts in therapy, I'd take that as a sign that the person is interested in working on themselves and improving.

[NewLeaf512]

He's an emotional terrorist