I'm torn. Found out my fiance cheated on me in the past.

[Geneve]

I have no where else to turn I need to look for some guidance. I am hoping to get some insight.

 

A little backround story. My Fiance and I met in 2009, she was 18 fresh out of high school and I was 24. We immediately hit it off dating for a good 5 years till I proposed last year(2015). Now she is the angel I've always wanted. She has a good head on her shoulder, good job, smart, carries herself well. Everything I could ask. Which is why I asked her to marry me. Fast foward to a couple weeks ago. I hear about my father injuring himself deep-sea fishing. Of course I go back to visit my father to check up on him. I go visit old friends and all. I visit my fiance best friend(atm) and we are playing cards chillen. We've always hung out, I suspected she has feelings for me; though I always brush it off cause I love my fiance. Anywho, she's pretty drunk and tells me that my fiance has cheated on me in the past. I literally feel nothing, but shock. I am betrayed. It gets worse though, it wasn't just once. It was 4 times while we were just dating. Mostly one night stands. It was all prior towards the proposal in 2015. Mostly happening in 2014.

 

She then says that my fiance will die if I found out. She can't live life without me. I go back home immediately to confront my fiance. She denies everything. Even though I have all the details of when and where. I had to lie to get it out of her. She finally breaks down and confesses. This is hitting me like a ton of bricks. My one and only life partner, who are you. How can you do this? How can you look at me with a straight face and say you love me after sleeping with 4 guys. I love her so much...

 

Fast forward now. I love her still. I want it to work out, She is willing to work at it also. Saying she will go to counseling and do everything to give her one more chance. She's open about the past and explains everything.

Everytime I see her though, I see other men she's been with, her lips been with other people. She of course if regretful of everything and comes home crying everyday and tells me not to leave.

 

My brother is offering a place to stay up north. I am accepting his offer and driving up north (18 hours) and staying there for a couple months to clear my head. I want to see if I can forgive her and live with what she did. But then again I have no idea who she was back in the past. I'm so torn and hurt. I have no idea how to go about this. To work with her at the relationship or is sleeping with 4 guys back in the past too much to bare upon my soul?

[ladydesigner]

If I had the chance to run from my WH before I M'd him and had kids I would have in a heartbeat. Your fiance gave you a glimpse into her dark side.

[pteromom]

When you say "in the past", is this something she did at 18/19 years old, or something she did in 2015 right before you proposed.

 

My point - I would feel very differently about it if it was when we were first dating, or if it was when we had a very solid and committed relationship. Not to mention her maturity level then vs. now.

 

Everything you are feeling as far as shock and imagining her with these other guys is normal.

 

I would take her up on her offer of going to counseling. Joint and individual for each of you.

[Geneve]

First time she did it was 2012 believe, the spree came from August 2014-October 2014.(3 other guys) She was 23 around that time.

[TrustedthenBusted]

just know this. It will never go away. It will never NOT have happened. It will taint so much of your relationship, and marriage. it would be VERY easy to advise that you spare yourself this, and start anew with someone who won't do this to you.

 

BUT.... the kicker is you thought you already had that. And there is no guarantee that the next girl won't do the same thing. This happens to more people than you will ever realize, only many never find out about it, and go on to live happy lives.

 

All I can say is I think if I knew then what I know now, I'd cut bait.

[drifter777]

You are not married yet, you have no children together. You choice is simple. When someone shows you who they really are, believe it. You will never forget this betrayal and never, ever see her like you did before. She will be forever tarnished. Break it off ASAP and get your life back on track.

[lolablue17]

How can you look at me with a straight face and say you love me after sleeping with 4 guys.

 

This exactly sums it up.

 

1. She has no problem to cheat and hide it. She's a good actress with no "guilt".

 

2. She has no regrets. Because if she had, she would have stopped after the first time. But she did it again, still didn't regret. and did it again, still didn't regret and did it again. . This is not even near a behavior of someone who has regrets.

 

3. After you confronted her, she had no problem to continue lying. Lets say it in simple english - She is a pathological liar.

 

4. She confessed only for the 4 times you know of. Have you thought of the possibility that your friend doesn't know EVERYTHING? If i had to make a bet - based on her previous work rate (3 guys in 2 month) I would say that there are 99% chances of at least 10-20 guys out there that you don't know of.

 

5. You are in a severe denial, my friend. You love her so much? NO! You love who you think she is. You miss your previous life you thought you live. You're making up fairy tales about how she will change. What she's constantly done is no mistake, but a way of life. She's a pro in that matter.

 

6. Even if she will change (I don't believe there is even 0.01% chance of that, she was constantly cheating when everything was great between you, imagine what can happen on hard times), Why would you want to get into marriage based on 5 years full of lies?

 

7. You can forgive her, that's not the problem. She didn't murder anyone (Only murdering your soul, and your future marriage), so forgivness can be easily achieved. But do yourself a big favor, and keep away from her. She's bad. If you stay, you're gonna be miserable for the rest of your life.

Edited September 14, 2016 by lolablue17

[Clay]

Your young. You will never get this time back. The years you will spend with her trying to recover from her horrible choice wont be worth it in the long run. Think about this seriously she didn't tell you. She never planned on telling you. It was more than once. Who knows if it happened more than the other girl told you. You can Trust nothing of what she says. I would tell her straight. You wanted other guys now here is your chance to go be with those other guys. Good luck

 

Its up to you what you do but I can tell you If I could go back in time I would have walked away.

 

C

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

First off she didn't confess and tell you everything. She only confessed to what she thought you knew was fact. Better believe there is more. 3 guys in 3 months? After being together for 4 years at that time? Yeah, I have no doubt there was more.

 

I would drop her quick. Get yourself out of there. She is only sorry she was caught, not sorry for what she did one bit. As others have pointed out, if she were sorry for cheating on you she wouldn't have done it, over and over and over and over, get it? There is a huge difference between these two, sorry she was caught, not sorry she did it.

 

I would also get to the doctor and get tested for STDs if I were you.

Edited September 14, 2016 by T-16bullseyeWompRat

[Whatnotagain]

Had you known that she had been with other men while you were dating before your proposal, I doubt you would have proposed to her. Act as you would have had you known prior to the proposal that she had done these things. It is one thing to look past relationships she had before the two of you were together; many people have pasts. It is quite another for her to do these things when you are in a committed and exclusive relationship, which is what you believed you had. You have just discovered that the two of you don't share the same values and that she did not have the same value for the relationship that you had. Is this who you really want to be with for the rest of your life? You are young and you have time to find someone else. These feelings of betrayal will never leave you completely. You can never say of her as your wife, "she would never cheat on me", because you will always know she could. These forums are filled with people who started their marriage thinking that their spouse would never cheat on them. Then it happened and their life was turned upside down. You would be starting out with this woman knowing that she is already capable of betraying and hurting you. You deserve better!

[aliveagain]

Not married, no children, 4 guys, she's is a serial cheater, what advice would you give your brother? Your health is at risk. How will she guarantee you the paternity of your children without a paternity test? She didn't even have enough class to confess to you when you confronted her. Friend, her lips did not just kiss other people, let's get that strait. These where meaningless one night stands with strangers, strange di*k and nothing else. Why does she need strange di*k when she has you at home, seriously, what does that mean? Your best predictor of your future together is to look at your history. This is the cheapest it will ever cost you to get out of this. It is only in the past to her, it just happened to you because you just learned about it. She has had a year and more to plan for your discovery.

Edited September 15, 2016 by aliveagain

[TrustedthenBusted]

First off she didn't confess and tell you everything. She only confessed to what she thought you knew was fact. Better believe there is more.

 

Great point. I had forgotten about this seemingly universal truth. Unless you only confronted her about 1, and she coughed up the others on her own in a fit of remorse and mercy - she's probably covering some stuff up.

 

I am in this same position, and you have to ask yourself.... even in the worst case scenario....can we put it behind us?

 

You will never feel comfortable with any of her answers. You will never feel like you know everything. These are the facts.

[Mr Blunt]

By Geneve

A little backround story. My Fiance and I met in 2009, she was 18 fresh out of high school and I was 24. We immediately hit it off dating for a good 5 years till I proposed last year(2015). Now she is the angel I've always wanted. She has a good head on her shoulder, good job, smart, carries herself well. Everything I could ask. Which is why I asked her to marry me

 

Reply by Blunt

I assume that she felt the same about you, hit it off and you are the angel she always wanted. That being the case then your girlfriend has a very deep crack in her integrity.

Something is really missing with your girl and you should not think that you can fix it. The pain that you will go through to put her out of your life will hurt but not like the pain you may have with being married to a woman that has a serious problem. She is a very high risk to present you with a life of a lot of pain.

[Mr. Lucky]

She of course if regretful of everything and comes home crying everyday and tells me not to leave.

 

She's young and made a series of very poor choices, most of all the decision to keep this from you for the last 5 years.

 

Doesn't mean she's not a good person, simply means she's not a good person for you. Some things are too much to recover from, on some level you know this already. End the suspense, tell her you're done, wish her well and move forward with your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Darren Steez]

She's open about the past and explains everything.

 

Did she tell you why she did what she did? 1 guy might be a "mistake" but 4 guys?

 

Yeah if you're not married then run. Not the best way to start a marriage with this hanging over you. At least she showed you what she's capable of.

[sandylee1]

I'd say to break of the engagement and put her in your past. 4 guys! While I presume you were exclusive. This will always be on your mind.

[aliveagain]

If she shows you this much disrespect before you marry her guess what you'll get after you marry her? How are you going to keep her interested enough not to cheat specially if you can't trust her when she is out of your sight? The odds are so against your marriage working out, she already gone through 4 guys. How many will it take before you call off the wedding? Personally, I think one is too many.

[elaine567]

It seems to me too many married people come on here heartbroken about their spouse cheating on them. In the course of discussion they then reveal that the WS cheated when they were dating or when they were engaged and they decided to forgive him/her as they loved them and he/she promised it would never happen again...

Now 2 kids down and a mortgage and a life together all planned out and he/she is cheating again...

 

Here, you proposed to the "virgin" angel, who has been with you since she was 18, perfect marriage material in the eyes of many men.

BUT she is human, she is inexperienced, she gets curious, she wants to try other men out. In her early twenties she will be getting loads of attention from other men and the temptation, as you have now found, has been proven to be too great.

She feels obliged to you, she doesn't want to lose you as you are a good "catch", but the other men are very tempting, so instead of breaking up with you and testing the dating waters, she just cheats.

She has been with you all her adult life, she has never sowed her wild oats and dated other men, so she is in no position to promise to be faithful to anyone.

For you time is moving on, so at 31 you want marriage, you want to enter the next stage of your life, but this is not the girl for you, she is nowhere near ready to seriously commit to anyone.

[BluesPower]

I am twice your age and I have lived through this.

 

You seriously need to dump her now. Get out fast.

 

You will be so much happier. It will ruin your life if you stay with her.

 

Please listen to what everyone tells you here. GET OUT NOW.

[road]

Did she tell you why she did what she did? 1 guy might be a "mistake" but 4 guys?

 

Yeah if you're not married then run. Not the best way to start a marriage with this hanging over you. At least she showed you what she's capable of.

 

Yes what where her reasons?

 

 

How did these hook up come about, co workers, bars, what?

 

 

As already said she is not ready for marriage. And you do not need to be thinking about this after you have been married to her for 50 years now. And you will trigger about this for time to time even 50 years from now.

[understand50]

Geneve,

 

I can relate, my then G/F had a one night stand when we were dating. The big difference is that she confessed immediately, and has worked to be faithful ever sense, as I believe she is. (40 plus years) One slip, maybe, it could have been a mistake fueled by the situation. 3 times? You need to ask yourself, if she is what you thought she was. In the first blush of "hot" love, the loved one can do no wrong, but as you have found out, she is not trustworthy.

 

She is not ready for marriage at this time, and I would break it off with her. It is not the fact that she betrayed you, I am willing to concede the odd mistake, and not repeated, but it is the number of times. As this has gone on for sometime, you really have to wonder, as others have pointed out, if it has only 3 times. Sorry for your pain, but in the end, love cannot overcome all things.

 

I would like to point out, that I am usually looking for reasons to advise reconciliation on LS, but in your case I don't see a foundation to build on for a long and happy marriage. Now this is just my opinion, and you will have to decide, what you are willing, or not, to forgive. It looks to me, that she did this, not because she was taken advanage of, but because she wanted too, and more then once. This is a large red flag, please heed it.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Buckeye2]

lolablue17’s post above nailed it but I would like to add one thing

 

 

She then says that my fiancé will die if I found out. She can't live life without me.

 

 

I want it to work out. She is willing to work at it also. Saying she will go to counseling and do everything to give her one more chance. She's open about the past and explains everything.

 

 

For the sake of argument let’s say that the above is totally true. That would mean to her the relationship is everything and sex has no meaning.

It’s like shaking hands.

 

 

They’re rare but I’ve read about cases like this before. Two women loved their husbands very much. On D-day they dumped their AP immediately (very rare) and walked over hot coals to save their marriage.

 

 

One gave a card and an extravagant gift to her husband out of the blue during her affair. She said it was because he was so special and loved him so much. The other wayward wife was planning an around the world dream cruise with her husband to celebrate their 25 wedding anniversary. She was shocked when her husband wanted to cancel the cruise after D-day. Why would he do that? It was just sex.

 

 

The analogy I use is that it’s like a person that grew up eating pork converts to a religion where it’s a sin. They understand that they promised not to eat pork and that they will hurt and disappoint people if they do. However on a gut level they just can’t see anything wrong with enjoying a little bacon.

 

 

There is no internal gut level guilt. Their only motivation not to is the fear of getting caught. She may love you to death but you will have to keep an eye on her for the rest of your life. No amount of therapy will convince her that bacon is disgusting.

Edited September 15, 2016 by Buckeye2

[Mr. Lucky]

She's open about the past and explains everything.

 

As others have said, I can't help but wonder what explanation she could offer that would have any impact on you?

 

One time I might chalk up to curiosity and youthful indiscretion Four times seems more than a little dissatisfied and angry. Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[drifter777]

Too bad we lost OP. I hope he's taking the advice of nearly 100% of us but, sadly, it's a good possibility that we didn't tell him what he wanted to hear so just blew off the thread.

[aliveagain]

I have no where else to turn I need to look for some guidance. I am hoping to get some insight.

 

A little backround story. My Fiance and I met in 2009, she was 18 fresh out of high school and I was 24. We immediately hit it off dating for a good 5 years till I proposed last year(2015). Now she is the angel I've always wanted. She has a good head on her shoulder, good job, smart, carries herself well. Everything I could ask. Which is why I asked her to marry me. Fast foward to a couple weeks ago. I hear about my father injuring himself deep-sea fishing. Of course I go back to visit my father to check up on him. I go visit old friends and all. I visit my fiance best friend(atm) and we are playing cards chillen. We've always hung out, I suspected she has feelings for me; though I always brush it off cause I love my fiance. Anywho, she's pretty drunk and tells me that my fiance has cheated on me in the past. I literally feel nothing, but shock. I am betrayed. It gets worse though, it wasn't just once. It was 4 times while we were just dating. Mostly one night stands. It was all prior towards the proposal in 2015. Mostly happening in 2014.

 

She then says that my fiance will die if I found out. She can't live life without me. I go back home immediately to confront my fiance. I had to lie to get it out of her. She finally breaks down and confesses. This is hShe denies everything. Even though I have all the details of when and where. itting me like a ton of bricks. My one and only life partner, who are you. How can you do this? How can you look at me with a straight face and say you love me after sleeping with 4 guys. I love her so much...

 

Fast forward now. I love her still. I want it to work out, She is willing to work at it also. Saying she will go to counseling and do everything to give her one more chance. She's open about the past and explains everything.

Everytime I see her though, I see other men she's been with, her lips been with other people. She of course if regretful of everything and comes home crying everyday and tells me not to leave.

 

My brother is offering a place to stay up north. I am accepting his offer and driving up north (18 hours) and staying there for a couple months to clear my head. I want to see if I can forgive her and live with what she did. But then again I have no idea who she was back in the past. I'm so torn and hurt. I have no idea how to go about this. To work with her at the relationship or is sleeping with 4 guys back in the past too much to bare upon my soul?

 

Just remember, if your still reading. She never confessed, even when you confronted her she lied to you. This is not in the past, as long as the secret is kept from you it is always currant. It is hard to accept that other men got to know her intimately and during a time that she had you believing you were each other's exclusively. She gave it away to strangers freely, one night stands. Had you known her history of infidelity would you have asked her to marry you? Stop letting your heart override your brain, your brain is strained because it knows the right thing to do, your heart is interfering. This is why you are so stressed out. I guess you can always believe her that she will never do it again. Everything between you up until the day you marry each other is just an evaluation of each others suitability. She failed not once but at least 4 times that you know of. You have enough information to decide if this is the person you want to trust with the rest of your life.