Have I been abused by my mum?

[gracey123]

I really do not understand and I'm in some form of a quandary.

Okay hello hope everyone had a good weekend and I apologise for the content of this incase it triggers anyone

 

I have kept this quiet for all of my life only me and my mum know.

From being young my mum used to hit me if I was naughty, I wasn't particularly naughty I never did anything that can be seen as really bad and even she does admit that, but when I did even the slightest thing she would slap me, around 6 years old the real physicals started, she would grab the insides of my arms and bruise them, she has bitten me a few times and would hit my legs and kick my shins from being around 10, she pulled my hair and when I was around 12 she pulled it so hard a section came out of my scalp.

I was really chunky as a kid and ended up a fat teenager, my mum would constantly say that I was fat, nothing nice about me, a compliment was that my outfit "didn't make me look as big"

When we went shopping for clothes she'd make really personal remarks about me and I'd get upset and defensive, because I was embarrassed, she'd grip her stomach and mimic me saying I looked "massive". My mum would say something looked nice in the shop, then when I got home she'd say it would look horrible/too tight. If we argued she would pretty much ignore me for days and make our home so uncomfortable and I remember begging so badly for her to talk to me which I have now brought into my adult life.

 

We went abroad every year and each year she'd stare at my stomach and not my face when talking to me, or buy me holiday clothes then say they looked awful, all she ever would say was my belly is sticking out or something. Tmi I know but I had a sweat problem and sometimes would be really sweaty and she'd make such a massive issue about it going "pooh!" About me if I was too sweaty. But I was always clean and couldn't help it. I had hiperhydrosis.

Age 16 at my prom my mum made a compliment to me and said I looked lovely before telling me to pull my dress down as it was too tight, study leave had me boredom eating.

 

I practiced safe sex age 16 and went on the contraceptive implant and instead of telling me that I was being responsible she called me a little slag, despite knowing nothing of my life.

The only compliment I have ever heard her say is that I am intelligent and have my head screwed on.

 

I went through a really bad breakup and because I was upset she told me she was "sick of this" and had "had this for 6 weeks" so I had to turn to my grandma who gave me advice. When anyone did anything bad to me as a kid or even a teenager, she would only act on it and be annoyed if she liked the person, her cousins kid broke my shoulder by diving on me and kneeing me and she wasn't the slightest bit bothered because she said he "was playing"

My mum acts that she is the kindest and most caring person ever, to anyone, yet I don't get the treatment. I'm a student and I asked to lend around £100 to tide me over and she constantly throws it back at me, despite telling every man and his dog she'd do anything for anyone. I don't understand.

 

Going through this breakup I kept in contact with my exes mum and I know now that subconsciously I was looking for a mothering figure, who made me feel as though I was worth something, and someone to be proud of. My mum guilt trips me and makes me feel like me having a life is selfish, because my dad has passed away, he was a wonderful man and I miss him dearly and she makes me feel guilty to him for going out.

 

I have moved out and currently staying with my grandma whilst I get my head straight. I just don't understand anything anymore. My mum said her mum used to hit her so hard with wet hands she left hand prints on her, she says that as though it's normal. But I don't think it is. Part of my future was always having children but now I'm scared if I do have kids I'll do that to them.

Have I been abused? I'm so confused. I'm sorry this post is so long, I don't really have anyone I can discuss it with because I love my mum and I don't want people to be nasty to her.

[sooshi]

Sweetie,

 

Yes. Your mother has been abusive to you and she continues to be. She's been a horrible mother.

 

Please don't take this as a reflection of who you are though, but it absolutely, truly isn't.

 

I can understand wanting a "mothering" figure (a female maternal figure who is nurturing), as I found that in my ex's mother. She felt much more of a mother to me than my own.

 

It sounds like your mom learned abuse from her own mother. I'm so glad you've moved out (I'm assuming it's not your mom's mom that you're staying with?). That's such a huge step, Gracey. Family isn't just blood: it's love and support, and you didn't get that from your mother.

 

I feel like you're a very sweet girl who has a lot to give. Stay away from your mom. I can see now why your self-worth is low. I want you to know it's not your fault, Gracey, for the hurt that has been caused to you.

 

You are beautiful.

[preraph]

You mother was abusive in some of the physical things she did: biting, bruising, pulling hair, etc. She's emotionally abusive about your weight, but that's not a crime.

 

As far as you hoping for a pat on the back for getting contraception at 16, that's not really reasonable. No one wants their 16 year old out there having sex for numerous reasons such as disease and being vulnerable to bad and dangerous men, and also just getting your heart broken, and contraception is not always reliable. Calling you names is abusive. Instead, a calm talk was in order, but then if she had been doing calm talks all along, one, you probably could have just gotten her advice instead of going and doing it, and two, you probably wouldn't have felt the need to try to grow up so fast.

 

It's good to understand how those things affect you, but it's never a good idea to use it as an excuse to go off the rails. So sit down and get yourself some standards of behavior that you expect from others, which doesn't include any belittling or physical abuse, and throw out anyone who once breaks those standards, because you can't fix them. Just because you've developed skills how to deal with an abuser does not mean you should, but the sad truth is that since it seems somewhat normal and familiar to you, you are at greater risk for letting in someone others would reject right away because they'd recognize the small signs for what they are.

[Gloria25]

Sweetie,

 

Yes. Your mother has been abusive to you and she continues to be. She's been a horrible mother.

 

Please don't take this as a reflection of who you are though, but it absolutely, truly isn't.

 

I can understand wanting a "mothering" figure (a female maternal figure who is nurturing), as I found that in my ex's mother. She felt much more of a mother to me than my own.

 

It sounds like your mom learned abuse from her own mother. I'm so glad you've moved out (I'm assuming it's not your mom's mom that you're staying with?). That's such a huge step, Gracey. Family isn't just blood: it's love and support, and you didn't get that from your mother.

 

I feel like you're a very sweet girl who has a lot to give. Stay away from your mom. I can see now why your self-worth is low. I want you to know it's not your fault, Gracey, for the hurt that has been caused to you.

 

You are beautiful.

 

You know, it's sad when you have relatives - especially a parent - abuse of you physically, emotionally, and/or financially.

 

The hard thing is that we're hardwired to need and seek out that connection with family - but unfortunately although blood may connect you to certain people, that doesn't mean they can carry the title of "mother", "father", etc...

 

Yes, sometimes you have to get away from them for self-preservation. I had a period in my life where no one except my nephew knew how to contact me. I kept hidden from my relatives where I lived, my tel, etc...and, I have my days (especially as of late) where I'm tempted to jump in my vehicle and drive as far away as I can.

 

If it helps, look at it this way. People having a child is literally a biological act. A sperm hits an egg and in about nine months a child is born. That doesn't make them a mother/father...that makes them two people who had sex at some point. A "mother/father" is how they conduct themselves when it comes to their offspring.

[preraph]

^ I agree. Having kids does not make you a good parent or give you any special powers that make you wiser or teach you what to do. The evidence is clear on that.