Borderline Personality Disorder

[passivelover]

Is it possible for someone to be borderline but doesnt harm themselves? And has a good long lasting relationship with friends.

 

Also, what is the best way to help an ex girlfriend get a diagnosis when she has already acknowledged she can use some help. Her father abused her mother and left the family when she was little.

Edited September 14, 2016 by passivelover

[Downtown]

Is it possible for someone to be borderline but doesnt harm themselves? And has a good long lasting relationship with friends.

PL, the vast majority of BPDers -- even those with full-blown BPD -- do not do the self harming such as suicidal behavior, arm cutting, and head banging. Those that do it generally are low functioning BPDers. Significantly, a person can satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having full-blown BPD" by exhibiting strong and persistent occurrences of only 5 of the 9 defining traits.

 

Hence, not satisfying the "self harming" trait -- or having some long term friends -- does not rule out BPD. It nonetheless is very unlikely a full-blown BPDer would be able to sustain a close LTR unless the person lived a long distance away. My BPDer exW, for example, typically pushed her close long-term friends away at about the five-year point.

 

Also, what is the best way to help an ex girlfriend get a diagnosis when she has already acknowledged she can use some help. Her father abused her mother and left the family when she was little.

If she really is a BPDer and is high functioning -- as most BPDers are -- it is unlikely that her therapist will tell her the name of her disorder. Therapists generally are loath to tell a HF BPDer the disorder name because it almost certainly would cause her to immediately terminate therapy. Moreover, listing that diagnosis could result in the insurance carrier declining to cover treatment.

 

Hence, if she is a BPDer and you want to help her, your objective should be to encourage her to seek treatment -- not to obtain a diagnosis. As to the "encouragement," there is not much you can do. If she is not strongly motivated to seek treatment, it is very unlikely she will remain in it long enough to make a real difference (even if you do the research and set up the appointment for her).

[passivelover]

man this really blows, I love this girl a lot but she keeps hurting me and I keep forgiving her because I understand she cant control herself sometimes.

 

One day she tells me to leave her alone and the next day shes asking me to come over to have sex. One minute she tells dont ever leave me the next minute, I hate you.

 

We were together in January and living together, and she knows I love music and I was in the process of becoming a DJ while I was dating her. I was learning on my own and had a few gigs here and there. At one point I quit because of her to help with the trust and I myself even put myself in her shoes and understand she doesnt like the life style and the hours that a DJ works. The only reason why I got back into DJ a 2nd time was because in January she said to me "I think I don't mind you DJing", so I got back into it and started getting a lot of gigs. In March, I had a gig and she asked me if I'd do it again and I said yea, its good money. In April she has an episode and complains about the DJing. She said that only gave me permission to do one gig (which is a lie). We broke up in February before Valentines, she told me "lets not exchange gifts because we have a lot of expenses coming up" so I didnt buy anything only because we went to West VA to join her friends to go skiing / snowboarding. I was going to buy something over there, but there was literally nothing romantic to buy over there. I was like damn!! Im so screwed. So when we get back from the trip, she gives me a bag with gifts in it and Im empty handed and she cries the next day because she doesnt feel loved. I apologized and I tried to get her flowers and she said no its too late. I get the flowers a few days later anyway and shes still upset and I get upset because she keeps giving me crap about it and I feel like shes not being understanding of what happened. She doesnt want excuses. She called the cops on me for yelling and asked me to leave. Cops told her that I dont have to leave because I'm rent. Cops advised me to leave so things can cool down but that I didn't have to leave. I told the police, Im ashamed that my girlfriend would call cops on me because of something like this. I was just trying to make things better.

 

She continues to have irrational tantrums everyday but she gets along with my friends and her friends so well. Some of my friends have seen her crazy side but dont want to say anything to her.

 

I really want to help her because 1. I don't want her to suffer like this and keep having stormy relationships. 2. I believe that if she was mentally ok, then we would actually be happy.

[truthtripper]

PL, you don't need permission from anyone to do anything you want to do. If you want to be a DJ, that's your business. You are accepting the victim role by letting your girlfriend control you, it simply feeds her dysfunctional behaviour. Were you abused/controlled by certain people in your childhood? Why is it that you are attracted to a manipulative person like her?

[BlueIris]

Is it possible for someone to be borderline but doesnt harm themselves? And has a good long lasting relationship with friends.

 

If someone doesn't have the extreme traits listed in the DSM, the diagnosis doesn't apply. Lots of people have had abusive parents without becoming mentally ill. Any personality disorder diagnosis requires longterm impairment demonstrated in various settings and circumstances.

[planning4later]

man this really blows, I love this girl a lot but she keeps hurting me and I keep forgiving her because I understand she cant control herself sometimes.

 

One day she tells me to leave her alone and the next day shes asking me to come over to have sex. One minute she tells dont ever leave me the next minute, I hate you.

 

We were together in January and living together, and she knows I love music and I was in the process of becoming a DJ while I was dating her. I was learning on my own and had a few gigs here and there. At one point I quit because of her to help with the trust and I myself even put myself in her shoes and understand she doesnt like the life style and the hours that a DJ works. The only reason why I got back into DJ a 2nd time was because in January she said to me "I think I don't mind you DJing", so I got back into it and started getting a lot of gigs. In March, I had a gig and she asked me if I'd do it again and I said yea, its good money. In April she has an episode and complains about the DJing. She said that only gave me permission to do one gig (which is a lie). We broke up in February before Valentines, she told me "lets not exchange gifts because we have a lot of expenses coming up" so I didnt buy anything only because we went to West VA to join her friends to go skiing / snowboarding. I was going to buy something over there, but there was literally nothing romantic to buy over there. I was like damn!! Im so screwed. So when we get back from the trip, she gives me a bag with gifts in it and Im empty handed and she cries the next day because she doesnt feel loved. I apologized and I tried to get her flowers and she said no its too late. I get the flowers a few days later anyway and shes still upset and I get upset because she keeps giving me crap about it and I feel like shes not being understanding of what happened. She doesnt want excuses. She called the cops on me for yelling and asked me to leave. Cops told her that I dont have to leave because I'm rent. Cops advised me to leave so things can cool down but that I didn't have to leave. I told the police, Im ashamed that my girlfriend would call cops on me because of something like this. I was just trying to make things better.

 

She continues to have irrational tantrums everyday but she gets along with my friends and her friends so well. Some of my friends have seen her crazy side but dont want to say anything to her.

 

I really want to help her because 1. I don't want her to suffer like this and keep having stormy relationships. 2. I believe that if she was mentally ok, then we would actually be happy.

 

This is no way to live. And I don't for one second believe that she can't help how she is. I've read candid testimony of therapists who say that BPDers have an amazing ability to turn on or turn off their pathology when it's advantageous for them. That's the key word: advantageous. BPD is what they used to call plain old "bad character" in the old days. Never forget that.