Should this bother me? How would you feel?

[cbfan]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and it's been great with a few bumps on the road. If anything we've gotten closer now than the first few months.

 

I want to give a back story before just jumping into this subject, which if I were to flat out say it now I'm pretty sure the majority of the responses would think that it's stupid to feel this way. But I'm open to any helpful opinion honestly

 

The first few months of our relationship I admit I was very insecure. Only because before being in a relationship he didn't seem to be the serious type and I honestly just couldn't trust him since I knew he lied to me a lot. They were for the most part white lies but it turned me off so many times. Still I took a risk and here we are now! I see him almost everyday and we talk all the time, basically he proved to be loyal by being open to me, his phone, who he's with, etc. This is all willingly btw, I don't ask him to show me his phone or anything like that!

 

Well anyway, from the first few months I was well aware that he had a huge crush on a girl all throughout high school and from the first two years of college. It wasn't a problem for me but what bothered me a few times she came along with my boyfriends other group of friends, his body language seems to change. He always looked her way and would even sit next to her, also he wouldn't be as cuddly with me as well. One time I was so angry because we were going to a party and as I looked back I saw his arm around her... Which incredibly bothered me a lot but that was such a long time ago... Also whenever she would snapchat message him or if he would get anything from her he gets excited. So I finally spoke to him about it and he told me that she's honestly a nobody and he would run to her if he were single and all. Pretty much just backup. They were really good friends before and since college started she drifted away from him and it's been on and off.

 

I never had a problem with the girl since she doesn't show any interest to him at all, it's just how he reacts when she's around is what bothered me. He treated her as if she was his girlfriend (before we dated obviously), and he even made such a fuss about his birthday once because she wasn't able to hang out with him... I mean liking someone for that long I didn't feel like it was a "crush". Anyway, that was such a long time ago and she never contacted him again. This was probably around the 5th month of our relationship.

 

Earlier today we were being funny and thinking about baby names for a girl, thought it was fun. So as we were doing that one of his baby name suggestions were take a guess... His old crush's name. But with her first and middle name combined. It honestly bothered me so much and although I was happy to see him, I was hurt. I know they haven't spoken in a long time and I know that she doesn't put any effort for long conversations with him anyway, but it hurts to hear this. I mean what does this mean? Does he still secretly want her? Is that normal in a relationship? Should I call it quits? What's funny is that I was having a horrible dream the other night about him cheating.

 

Anyway what do you guys think about this? He treats me well and supports me whenever I'm having anxiety attacks and such. I know he enjoys being with me and I know he cares for me. Anyway please let me know what you all think.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah, I'd say he still has a crush. Suggesting naming a baby girl her first and middle names? I get that you two were just having some fun but he is either completely dense or he's still got the hots for her.

 

The only question is what you're going to do next. You say you know he's lied to you before - what about?

[cbfan]

Yeah, I'd say he still has a crush. Suggesting naming a baby girl her first and middle names? I get that you two were just having some fun but he is either completely dense or he's still got the hots for her.

 

The only question is what you're going to do next. You say you know he's lied to you before - what about?

 

Yeah he was really casual about it too, as if I were completely oblivious. It really bothered me but I let it go. I wanna talk to him about it but I don't wanna seem like I'm nagging... Although to be fair I haven't spoken to him about it in a long time so I guess it should be ok..

 

Before he asked me to become his girlfriend, he told me he wasn't seeing anyone. Not in a relationship type way but just going on a few dates with another person while he was doing the same to me, but he told me he wasn't having sex with her and all that. It bothered me so I told him to be completely honest with me but insisted that he didn't do anything else but go on dates with her. I guess it really didn't bother me as much since we were both technically single at the time.

 

When we're still just "f buddies" someone called him while we were having sex and told me it was his brothers girlfriend, later found out that it wasn't since I met his brothers girlfriend and it was a totally different name. It was the girl that he was seeing, he told me later that he was trying to get rid of her because he wanted to focus on me. And a few white lies where he would tell me he had places to go, and barely spoke to me on the phone. I wasn't putting much effort as well but yeah.

 

Also when we went to a club with his friends, he was kissing me and dancing with me and all that, he then told me "I would be better off with his friend" and that apparently "I was too much of a good person". Mind you this was all before we became gf/bf. So it was hard for me to pursue him and trust him, and I was taken aback a lot because of his behavior prior to being my boyfriend. It took probably 6 months for us to finally get comfortable with each other and see him talk to me more and longing to see me as well. I even met his family already before being his girlfriend.

[BluesPower]

Yes he is in to her. If you guys are in an exclusive relationship what he is doing is totally wrong.

 

He is being completely disrespectful to you and your relationship. You need to talk to him and put a stop to it. Bottom line.

 

Next, the anxiety and stuff you have to get a handle on. There are a ton of meds that are mild and will help you with that. Just make sure you are not bi-polar and find a good doc.

 

You don't want to be the type of woman that needs a man to rescue you from your anxiety or other issues. It feels great at the time but in the long run it makes you weak. Trust me one this, I was a white knight for a long time and I rescued a lot of women over my life time.

 

You want a man that wants you because you are strong, capable and can stand on your own 2 feet. You want a relationship where you are equals.

 

If your BF will not straight up then dump him and find someone better.

 

Good luck...

[cbfan]

Yes he is in to her. If you guys are in an exclusive relationship what he is doing is totally wrong.

 

He is being completely disrespectful to you and your relationship. You need to talk to him and put a stop to it. Bottom line.

 

Next, the anxiety and stuff you have to get a handle on. There are a ton of meds that are mild and will help you with that. Just make sure you are not bi-polar and find a good doc.

 

You don't want to be the type of woman that needs a man to rescue you from your anxiety or other issues. It feels great at the time but in the long run it makes you weak. Trust me one this, I was a white knight for a long time and I rescued a lot of women over my life time.

 

You want a man that wants you because you are strong, capable and can stand on your own 2 feet. You want a relationship where you are equals.

 

If your BF will not straight up then dump him and find someone better.

 

Good luck...

 

 

Okay I'll talk to him about it, I just don't know how to go about it. I was bothered and a bit angry, it's why I didn't want to speak to him about it, thought about thinking it through first and being calm about it. But yeah I'll talk to him about it today and ask about how he really feels about her.

 

As for my anxiety... I do admit I am dependent on him. I have other close friends as well and they've supported me through my anxiety, but of course it's to my boyfriend now since I see him almost everyday and talk all the time.. I've never thought about taking meds, I guess I'm just scared of the outcome. I know it's a trial-and-error situation but I guess I don't wanna have to go through it and feeling more like crap. It's happened to my friend a lot who has a bipolar disorder on top of her manic episodes, although she has finally found the right meds for her it was such a long drawn out journey for her.. It wasn't pretty. I've taken a healthier approach to it, when I feel like it's coming I either start working out, go for a run, bake something, etc. For the most part I can handle it on my own.

[elaine567]

Okay I'll talk to him about it, I just don't know how to go about it. I was bothered and a bit angry, it's why I didn't want to speak to him about it, thought about thinking it through first and being calm about it. But yeah I'll talk to him about it today and ask about how he really feels about her.

 

My guess is that he has already had the baby name conversation with her, or had already thought about it before, and that when asked to make a suggestion that was the first name that popped into his head.

 

What good will talking to him do?

He is just going to deny anything you say and he will tell you to stop being silly, of course he is over his crush and you are just being needy and insecure or "crazy". He just happens to like those names and forgot they just happened to be HER names.

 

He finally goes "There, There" or tries some other soothing type thing and it is all fine, only it isn't, as it still happened and you won't forget it either...

[BluesPower]

Yes it is trial and error, but if you are not bi-polar then the risks are less. Some will say no, but I have lived it with many woman and it will help. Don't be dependent on someone else to help you with your issues.

 

Lovers are there to love and hold you when you have a bad day. They are not there to treat your emotional issues. You need to be strong and independent and happy with yourself.

 

Talking to BF: Clear the decks of all distractions, TV, cell phone, and everything else. Don't do it after work or class. Tell him, "Listen we need to have a serious talk about our relationship... The fact that you communicate with this girl that you say is a stand by makes me feel really uncomfortable."

 

Then just lay it all out for him, how you feel disrespected, and you think it disrespects the relationship, and that if the behavior continues, You will have to brake up.

 

Don't wait until he cheats with her of someone else, lay it out now and break up he does not listen. It is far less painful to end it now.

 

Good look with all this...

[cbfan]

My guess is that he has already had the baby name conversation with her, or had already thought about it before, and that when asked to make a suggestion that was the first name that popped into his head.

 

What good will talking to him do?

He is just going to deny anything you say and he will tell you to stop being silly, of course he is over his crush and you are just being needy and insecure or "crazy". He just happens to like those names and forgot they just happened to be HER names.

 

He finally goes "There, There" or tries some other soothing type thing and it is all fine, only it isn't, as it still happened and you won't forget it either...

 

 

He never has called me crazy for speaking about what bothered me. He's never made fun of things that bothered me and we talk about it to each other normally as well. And maybe he would deny it, which I'm hoping he doesn't, but I like to hope for the best. If somehow in the long run he secretly likes her and I find out then I call it quits! Simple as that. I'll be hurt for maybe a few days but when it comes to situations like that I get over it easily. Because frankly I don't have time to cry over someone who really wasn't loyal to me

[cbfan]

Yes it is trial and error, but if you are not bi-polar then the risks are less. Some will say no, but I have lived it with many woman and it will help. Don't be dependent on someone else to help you with your issues.

 

Lovers are there to love and hold you when you have a bad day. They are not there to treat your emotional issues. You need to be strong and independent and happy with yourself.

 

Talking to BF: Clear the decks of all distractions, TV, cell phone, and everything else. Don't do it after work or class. Tell him, "Listen we need to have a serious talk about our relationship... The fact that you communicate with this girl that you say is a stand by makes me feel really uncomfortable."

 

Then just lay it all out for him, how you feel disrespected, and you think it disrespects the relationship, and that if the behavior continues, You will have to brake up.

 

Don't wait until he cheats with her of someone else, lay it out now and break up he does not listen. It is far less painful to end it now.

 

Good look with all this...

 

 

Yeah I'll talk to him first about it. It won't be hard because he always listens what I have to say and I'm usually calm when it comes to matters that bother me. I don't yell or make a fuss or anything like that.

[JewelD]

Yeah he was really casual about it too, as if I were completely oblivious. It really bothered me but I let it go. I wanna talk to him about it but I don't wanna seem like I'm nagging... Although to be fair I haven't spoken to him about it in a long time so I guess it should be ok..

 

Before he asked me to become his girlfriend, he told me he wasn't seeing anyone. Not in a relationship type way but just going on a few dates with another person while he was doing the same to me, but he told me he wasn't having sex with her and all that. It bothered me so I told him to be completely honest with me but insisted that he didn't do anything else but go on dates with her. I guess it really didn't bother me as much since we were both technically single at the time.

 

When we're still just "f buddies" someone called him while we were having sex and told me it was his brothers girlfriend, later found out that it wasn't since I met his brothers girlfriend and it was a totally different name. It was the girl that he was seeing, he told me later that he was trying to get rid of her because he wanted to focus on me. And a few white lies where he would tell me he had places to go, and barely spoke to me on the phone. I wasn't putting much effort as well but yeah.

 

Also when we went to a club with his friends, he was kissing me and dancing with me and all that, he then told me "I would be better off with his friend" and that apparently "I was too much of a good person". Mind you this was all before we became gf/bf. So it was hard for me to pursue him and trust him, and I was taken aback a lot because of his behavior prior to being my boyfriend. It took probably 6 months for us to finally get comfortable with each other and see him talk to me more and longing to see me as well. I even met his family already before being his girlfriend.

 

Why would you even allow someone like that to become your boyfriend in the first place? If he lied to you then, why wouldn't he lie to you now? Especially since you seem to be easily persuaded.

 

He obviously likes this girl. You knew that before you dated and you know it now. It doesn't matter how she feels about him, clearly that's not changing his feelings.

 

He's not going to admit it to you. If he wanted to be honest, he would have told you about it already. Like Expat said, what are you going to do next? You can't make him stop liking her although he might try to pretend for awhile. You either have to accept his crush or move on.

[elaine567]

I'll be hurt for maybe a few days but when it comes to situations like that I get over it easily. Because frankly I don't have time to cry over someone who really wasn't loyal to me

 

I like your style.

[cbfan]

Why would you even allow someone like that to become your boyfriend in the first place? If he lied to you then, why wouldn't he lie to you now? Especially since you seem to be easily persuaded.

 

He obviously likes this girl. You knew that before you dated and you know it now. It doesn't matter how she feels about him, clearly that's not changing his feelings.

 

He's not going to admit it to you. If he wanted to be honest, he would have told you about it already. Like Expat said, what are you going to do next? You can't make him stop liking her although he might try to pretend for awhile. You either have to accept his crush or move on.

 

I mean.. We were both single then, I don't think anyone who is interested in someone would come out with "oh btw I'm also dating people while I'm getting to know you". If he were in a relationship with someone then that would've been a big problem for me, or for anyone for that matter. It sucked for me but I understood him as well, I wasn't particularly going on dates as well but I was sure talking to other people as well. Obviously it died down since I was more interested in him than anyone.

 

He has told me about how he felt about her before but you're right, he may still have feelings for her from what I've experienced. I still want to talk to him about it, who knows, maybe he'll actually tell me the truth this time. She actually moved to another state, neither speak to each other at all and I don't they're actively trying to contact each other as well. So maybe it could be a crush. Thanks for your input

[Trinity_84]

Speaking from experience, you need to trust your intuition.

 

Yes, there are times when the line between insecurity and intuition gets so burry but deep in your heart you know what's best for you.

 

If this early on this is happening, this early on he used "white lies" and this early on you are creating a ****storm in your mind over this other person, it's not good news. Either you are very insecure (not blaming, just pointing out stuff that you could work on yourself) or your instincts (that brought you to post on this forum for help) are yelling at you to analyze your relationship and possibly telling you he's not right for you.

 

I would suggest talking to a therapist about insecurity issues, relaxing a bit on the topic of this girl, taking everything he says at face value but BUILD your life outside of a relationship (a life you are PROUD of and you can rely on in case the RL dies).

 

Good luck, whatever the outcome you will be fine.

[cbfan]

Speaking from experience, you need to trust your intuition.

 

Yes, there are times when the line between insecurity and intuition gets so burry but deep in your heart you know what's best for you.

 

If this early on this is happening, this early on he used "white lies" and this early on you are creating a ****storm in your mind over this other person, it's not good news. Either you are very insecure (not blaming, just pointing out stuff that you could work on yourself) or your instincts (that brought you to post on this forum for help) are yelling at you to analyze your relationship and possibly telling you he's not right for you.

 

I would suggest talking to a therapist about insecurity issues, relaxing a bit on the topic of this girl, taking everything he says at face value but BUILD your life outside of a relationship (a life you are PROUD of and you can rely on in case the RL dies).

 

Good luck, whatever the outcome you will be fine.

 

 

Thank you so much for this! Most definitely putting myself first

[cbfan]

So it's confirmed. He says I was overreacting and making things up in my head. He didn't even bother to deny it nor does he even want to discuss about it. I'm just shocked. But I guess I saw this coming. Thank you again everyone.