Trial separations / Moving out temporarily

[Aloneuk]

Hi

 

Has anyone tried this when going through marriage difficulties, and if so, did it help you make the right decision regarding the future of your marriage?

 

I have a thread on the infidelity page (there has been no infidelity but I was tempted by a work colleagues pass made at me) but to cut a long story short, I am struggling with H's lack of emotional involvement in our marriage. He has an alexithymic personality type, is a workaholic and our 'connection' seems to have all but gone. I love him, and he loves me in the only way he can, but I feel some distance between us might help clarify things:

 

-It might jolt us into realising what we have together and spur us into wanting to make the effort to rebuild our relationship.

 

-It might make us/me realise the opposite and that I don't want to continue to try and work on the marriage.

 

I feel like I can't coast along with things the way they are and that at this moment I'm not sure if I can/want to put lots of effort into trying to make the marriage work (my hope is that time away might make me realise I do want to try).

 

Affordable places to rent don't come up nearby very often but I have found somewhere which could be suitable but I need to commit to 3 months and I need to decide by the end of the week. I have mentioned it to H and he is not keen on the idea ("I'm worried you won't come back")

 

Has anyone done this before or have any thoughts?

 

Thanks

[TobyBoy]

I think moving out is a great plan. This way you can explore the single life by going out drinking with your colleges and friends without having to be accountable to anybody. At the end of 3 months, you can always move back to the marital home. Perfect back up plan.

[Satu]

You should realise that, 'trial separations,' are most often followed by a breakup.

 

They are in fact, 'breakup test drives.'

 

If you do follow this route, don't let you husband build up too much hope, regarding your *possible* return.

 

Make sure that he knows that you might not come back.

 

 

Take care.

[carhill]

Sure, did this back when we were married, against the advice of our MC, who opined people get separated to get divorced. I think it was for around 3-4 months. exW lived in town in my old family home and I lived at the country home. We continued MC and I visited occasionally as instructed by the MC. She got a nice place to live close to work.

 

I think the MC was right. Once folks go down the road to wanting to be separate from their spouses, it's very difficult to recapture the desire to be with them. Sure, it happens for some people. We were older and pretty much both of us were of the mind that once it's over, it's over. However, my exW had been married twice before and didn't want to become a 'three time loser' (her words, not mine) and I was a 'marriage for life' kinda guy so we gave it a shot.

 

Whatever you do, formalize it. It's easy for a partner to go sideways and destroy the legal partnership in a separation. I've seen that with MW's. People do odd things during such times. Whether both legal and personal or one or the other, get something either in person or on paper regarding your rights and responsibilities.

 

For example, here's a simple one..... Do you and he agree that both of you can date and have sex with other people while separated? Not?

 

Good luck!

[oldshirt]

Separation can be beneficial if there is fireworks and extreme volitility and people need to go to their corners and let the dust settle before they go back to try to work things out in a more calm and rational manner.

 

Anything other than that and separation is just an intermediate step towards divorce

 

Separation is just acclimatizing to single life.

 

Since you two already have a disconnect and the emotional energy between you is already very low, separation will just make both of you more comfortable living on your own and doing your own things.

 

This will boil down to your ultimate objectives. If you wish to improve your marriage and remin together, you will better be able to accomplish that in the house together.

 

If your goal is to divorce and move on, then separation will be a positive step towards that end.

[notbroken]

"Separating is just an intermediary step to divorce". - Yes!!!!!

 

How is being apart from someone going to make you closer to them? Nope, it is an excuse to go out partying/date others and try to see if you can get along without them (you can). Just wastes everyone's time. Don't pretend it is anything else or justify it away. If you want to divorce then 'step up' and do it. If you want to save your marriage, then dedicate yourself and do it. Separation is a weak way to not make a choice right now.

[Aloneuk]

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

 

In my mind, the moving out would be with the aim of working on the relationship and with structure - ie still be together and not see other people, but with the opportunity of having some space to think about us and whether we have a future.

 

I think in some respects I am needing to 'jolt' H to see if this will make him step up to activately making our marriage a priority. He is a workaholic and our relationship has taken a back step with him for some years now which has resulted in some resentment and pulling away from me.... I also want to see if we miss each other or just a relationship.

 

I am starting IC next week and H and I are in talks about starting MC. I was thinking we would combine this with living apart to give our marriage the best shot.

 

I dont feel like I want to leave the marriage, but we also can't go on like we are.

 

Thanks

[BluesPower]

Yeah, in your case, it may not work. I am always a stay married type of guy but while reading your last post and your problems in your marriage, I just don't know if this will work.

 

I mean, if he has not woken up after everything you have told him, will he ever? I don't know if there is anything that he can do for his disorder, but if that cannot be "FIXED", I don't think you can ever be happy with him.

 

And you really deserve that. Everyone does deserve to be happy, and it only took me 52 years to learn that. Maybe you can do it quicker.

 

Good luck...

[Satu]

snip

I dont feel like I want to leave the marriage, but we also can't go on like we are.

 

Thanks

 

Even so, you are more likely to breakup than stay together.

[carhill]

I just noticed the member's username and it may identify them as being in the UK, where separation and divorce can be or are markedly different from here in the US. There are certain requirements, different from here in the US, citizens must meet to get divorced and IIRC it takes awhile. The personal stuff might be similar but the legal stuff may be different. Hence, if the OP is considering moving out and renting a flat somewhere while married, IMO it would pay to look into the ramifications of that before taking the step. See how it affects their legal standing in the marriage.

[Aloneuk]

I think moving out is a great plan. This way you can explore the single life by going out drinking with your colleges and friends without having to be accountable to anybody. At the end of 3 months, you can always move back to the marital home. Perfect back up plan.

 

Not the idea at all! The plan would still to be in a relationship, to have IC and MC and see if the distance helps us remember why we fell in love in the first place and whether we can get the connection back...

[Aloneuk]

snip

 

 

Even so, you are more likely to breakup than stay together.

 

Because of the separation? I wonder why that would be, because we will both get used to living apart? Have just done some Internet research and you are correct, there seems to be a low percentage of couples who do trial separations get back together.

[Satu]

"Going out drinking" isn't everybody's idea of a good time.

[Satu]

Because of the separation? I wonder why that would be, because we will both get used to living apart? Have just done some Internet research and you are correct, there seems to be a low percentage of couples who do trial separations get back together.

 

Yes, it is possible that you will just get used to being apart.

 

There is a lot going on when people are relating in the same space. Non-verbal communication, pheromones, touching etc.

 

These things continually input into whatever bond you have.

 

The absence of those subtle factors can change the way you feel about someone.

 

 

Take care.

[Aloneuk]

I just noticed the member's username and it may identify them as being in the UK, where separation and divorce can be or are markedly different from here in the US. There are certain requirements, different from here in the US, citizens must meet to get divorced and IIRC it takes awhile. The personal stuff might be similar but the legal stuff may be different. Hence, if the OP is considering moving out and renting a flat somewhere while married, IMO it would pay to look into the ramifications of that before taking the step. See how it affects their legal standing in the marriage.

 

Yes, am in the UK. I don't think there would be any ramifications of me moving out temporarily, especially as the new place would be more of an informal arrangement on a short term basis.

 

From a practical point of view, if I then decided not to reconcile with H I would need to file for divorce and the only reasons we can cite are:

-Adultery

-Unreasonable behaviour

-Desertion (two years)

-Separation, agreed divorce (two years)

-Separation, contested divorce (five years)

 

In theory, we could cohabit but live separately for two years and get divorced if we both agreed.

 

I know divorce is a possibility but still not my intention - I do want to see if things between us can be fixed but nothing much has changed since I first told H my feelings 6 or so weeks ago and I'm worried that if we continue to do what we've also done, we will get the same result we always do...

[Mr. Lucky]

Not the idea at all! The plan would still to be in a relationship, to have IC and MC and see if the distance helps us remember why we fell in love in the first place and whether we can get the connection back...

 

As others have indicated, lots of internal contradictions in what your proposing.

 

How do you establish a "connection" by minimizing the time spent together in separate residences?

 

If you really want to jolt your husband, tell him, having seen no progress in the 6 weeks this has been on the table, it's a step towards divorce. At least that's honest...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LilyMila]

You have read my story and if your husband is like my husband in temperament, then nothing will "jolt" him. Mine is also becoming a workaholic. It's rather unexpected because he used to be a big slacker in highschool and college. Perhaps work is just a convenient excuse to use in being emotionally disconnected from you. You said you wanted some space, but if your husband is not emotional, don't you have a lot of space already?

[Aloneuk]

Thanks for your comments, you both have good points

 

At this moment in time I don't want the marriage to end, but also not sure I have the energy to put in what is needed to try and make the marriage work. My fault, I know. I think I was hoping that some time on my own and distance would make me realise that I do miss him, our marriage is worth trying to save and give me the surge of enthusiasm / energy required to try and fix things. I am aware though it could go the other way...

[Osmium13]

Honestly, from the threads you've started and the way you speak about your feelings, I think that a trial separation is the way to go. It sounds like you need to figure out what you want - and he needs a good kick up the arse to see what he'd be missing.

 

One word of caution - if you do find that you're happier away from him, DON'T let him talk you into "another go". It has to be what YOU want. I speak from experience here, you'll end up in the same situation years from now...

[Osmium13]

"Going out drinking" isn't everybody's idea of a good time.

 

Speak for yourself! Being in your twenties in the late 90's/early 00's it was like a rite of passage (in the UK anyway). After a few drinks I still get the occasional urge to find any premises with music and a dance floor

[elaine567]

If this is a separation and not just an excuse to leave, then make sure you are both on the same page concerning seeing, dating and sleeping with other people.

Too many assume that they are having a "break" to work out their relationship to find the other person used it as an opportunity to see and sleep with others.

Fixing a relationship is hard enough without having to deal with third party involvement when "on a break"/separated.

[Aloneuk]

If this is a separation and not just an excuse to leave, then make sure you are both on the same page concerning seeing, dating and sleeping with other people.

Too many assume that they are having a "break" to work out their relationship to find the other person used it as an opportunity to see and sleep with others.

Fixing a relationship is hard enough without having to deal with third party involvement when "on a break"/separated.

 

Thanks Elaine567, I would want to make an agreement with H about expectations for the living apart, eg no seeing other people, committing to MC, seeing each other on an agreed basis, etc....

[kgcolonel]

Thanks Elaine567, I would want to make an agreement with H about expectations for the living apart, eg no seeing other people, committing to MC, seeing each other on an agreed basis, etc....

 

This is one of the key dangers I see in your case. In your prior thread you were very tempted by an admirer....the concern I would have is if you don't have to return back to the marital home and don't have that physical accountability, you are very vulnerable to an A. You're craving admiration and attention that you're not getting from your H. This is very dangerous territory to move out where those temptations will not have the immediate consequences that would exist if you were fully engaged with the M. That is to say both living with and engaging with your H. I would strongly suggest MC before you take this step. My experience has been that separation is indeed the first step to D. Rarely have I ever seen the couple get back together. If you're over it, just be over it and let your H begin to heal.

Edited September 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[LifesontheUp]

I don't think you moving out will do anything. You already have a husband that is content to just watch tv when he gets home so he really doesn't seem to miss you?

 

You are at an impasse - he knows how you feel yet doesn't want to do anything to improve what you see as marital discord.

 

Your choices really are to stay as you are and have an inevitable affair or serve him divorce papers. The divorce papers may or may not give him the jolt that you need.

 

One thing that does puzzle me Aloneuk, why did you get married in the first place? Was he different before?

[Aloneuk]

I don't think you moving out will do anything. You already have a husband that is content to just watch tv when he gets home so he really doesn't seem to miss you?

 

You are at an impasse - he knows how you feel yet doesn't want to do anything to improve what you see as marital discord.

 

Your choices really are to stay as you are and have an inevitable affair or serve him divorce papers. The divorce papers may or may not give him the jolt that you need.

 

One thing that does puzzle me Aloneuk, why did you get married in the first place? Was he different before?

 

I think I thought love, and the fact he is a good man, would be enough. I do think in the early days of our relationship, he did make more of an effort than he does now. Then a few years in he started his own company which has taken all his attention for the past 5 years or so. I think I thought it was the pressure of starting a new company, trying to make it work etc putting stress on our relationship but in hindsight although it did have an impact, I think the business was less of an issue than H's personality. He is a workaholic and the business has bought out that side of him even more.

 

Last year I was distracted with the organisation of the wedding, which is a poor excuse but I just let him get on with his business and I got on with the wedding planning.

Early last year I also had issues with stress and anxiety which I put down to my stressful job, and I saw an IC for a bit. Also right before the wedding I fell ill with labrynthitis which causes extreme dizziness and I was signed off work for a few weeks. This all led me to change jobs. In hindsight I wonder if deep down the stressful job wasnt the only problem although I didnt realise at the time?

 

I don't feel ready to leave my marriage but I don't feel content or happy enough to stay.