Trial separations / Moving out temporarily

[DKT3]

This is one of the key dangers I see in your case. In your prior thread you were very tempted by an admirer....the concern I would have is if you don't have to return back to the marital home and don't have that physical accountability, you are very vulnerable to an A. You're craving admiration and attention that you're not getting from your H. This is very dangerous territory to move out where those temptations will not have the immediate consequences that would exist if you were fully engaged with the M. That is to say both living with and engaging with your H. I would strongly suggest MC before you take this step. My experience has been that separation is indeed the first step to D. Rarely have I ever seen the couple get back together. If you're over it, just be over it and let your H begin to heal.

 

I agree with this 100%. I feel her brush with cheating is the catalyst here, and wanting to leave may be in part to explore options with attempting to have her husband agree to not seeing anyone. It really sounds more like a trial run to see what's else is out there then a tool to actually fix anything within the marriage.

[Aloneuk]

I agree with this 100%. I feel her brush with cheating is the catalyst here, and wanting to leave may be in part to explore options with attempting to have her husband agree to not seeing anyone. It really sounds more like a trial run to see what's else is out there then a tool to actually fix anything within the marriage.

 

I disagree with this. I admit that the situation with work guy has been a catalyst of sorts, but not because I want to see what else is out there. I have been NC with work guy for some weeks and am happy about that. If I didnt want to continue with my marriage I would tell H I want a divorce. But I am currently in this ambivalent situation where I don't have the energy to rebuild my marriage nor do I want it to end. I feel I need some distance to try and see the woods from the trees - I am very confused.

 

The situation with work guy did make me realise how unhappy I have been for a long time. I don't think that people in happy marriages/relationships allow themselves to be put in such situations that I found myself in. Its made me take a long hard look at myself and the marriage, posting here for advice, reading numerous books recommended on here and to rebook IC.

 

I thought me living elsewhere for a set amount of time might give me the head space to reflect on everything, spur H into realising what he will lose if he doesnt up his game, and also remind me of what my H and marriage means to me. And in turn re inspire me to commit to the marriage and put the effort in that rebuilding requires.

 

The idea of the living apart would be to have some ground rules - eg neither of us seeing other people, start MC, etc etc. Still together but with some organised distance.

 

As at the moment I just feel exhausted of making the effort in the marriage and getting not much in return and just need some time to think.

[DKT3]

I disagree with this. I admit that the situation with work guy has been a catalyst of sorts, but not because I want to see what else is out there. I have been NC with work guy for some weeks and am happy about that. If I didnt want to continue with my marriage I would tell H I want a divorce. But I am currently in this ambivalent situation where I don't have the energy to rebuild my marriage nor do I want it to end. I feel I need some distance to try and see the woods from the trees - I am very confused.

 

The situation with work guy did make me realise how unhappy I have been for a long time. I don't think that people in happy marriages/relationships allow themselves to be put in such situations that I found myself in. Its made me take a long hard look at myself and the marriage, posting here for advice, reading numerous books recommended on here and to rebook IC.

 

I thought me living elsewhere for a set amount of time might give me the head space to reflect on everything, spur H into realising what he will lose if he doesnt up his game, and also remind me of what my H and marriage means to me. And in turn re inspire me to commit to the marriage and put the effort in that rebuilding requires.

 

The idea of the living apart would be to have some ground rules - eg neither of us seeing other people, start MC, etc etc. Still together but with some organised distance.

 

As at the moment I just feel exhausted of making the effort in the marriage and getting not much in return and just need some time to think.

 

The idea is very immature, now I'm not saying this about you, but in general and its something I've said many times in my near 3000 posts here.

 

You can't fix anything by disengaging, and your going about this in the opposite fashion. nstead what you should do is engage in the marriage and husband with a similar time frame in mind. Allow him the opportunity to prove himself with the understanding that failure to do so will result is separation and divorce.

 

Disengaging will ultimately create more issues, such as abandonment, less structure, logistical issues, added expense and leading to more resentment.

 

What your talking about doing could also lead to false change. Your husband could very well behave for the time being.

 

No, I think the key is to commit, if you don't have the energy then be a big girl and end it. It's so very unfair to extend this out while your really leaning towards D. It's selfish and comes off as you slowly wanting to withdraw from the marriage, using your husband as an emotional crouch and/or soft landing. Go all in one direction or the other.

Edited September 16, 2016 by DKT3

[Jersey born raised]

I did read a thread (also based in UK) where the wife did what you are suggestioning. Her husband stayed in the house and she move perhaps a twenty minute drive away. For several months he was sure it was adultery. There where a lot of one step forward two steps back for the next six months.

Finally he began putting the changes he need to make not just into the marriage but though out his life. They reconciled.

 

Big note: they did "dating" after a few months but not even holding hands dating. He worked IT and broke into all media accounts - nothing. He tried stalking her convinced there was adulter nothing except she didn't talk to him for a month when she caught him repeatly following her. He hired a PI after getting caught off and on for a month, again nothing. While she never posted she was determined he learned the problems in the marriage was not adultery but the relationship. She was blunt when he failed to grow. There would two weeks at a time without responding to emails, text, and calls.

 

I suspect she learned why her husband behaved the why he did and was able to create a "safe" enviroment and motivation to change. I guess the moral of her story is somebody sometimes wins the lottery.

[Jersey born raised]

I need to stress they did engage each other though out. He must have had over a hundred posts venting regarding what she said. A big break occurred when she ask him to go to the gym together they belonged to. They attended MC weekly.

 

DKT3 is right no contact equals no reconciliation. You need to control frequent contact not no contact. Katherine Hepburn (she is so far back she was before my time and I am 61) said "man and woman should live next door to each other and visit often ". Of course her MOM (Spencer ???) never did leave his wife.

Edited September 16, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[LilyMila]

Aloneuk, I just came home from mc with my husband. The therapist was especially hard on him today because he kept saying "he will try" rather than "he will do". At one point during the therapy, he said it would be a relief to him if I can be happy living without him . This is why it is so hard. They are good men, who don't want to purposely hurt their wife, but for whatever reason, they don't know how to be emotional and affectionate. If you move out, it would just put your H into a state that he is most comfortable with, alone with no pressure to show his emotion. It will be the nail on the coffin. If you don't want to leave the marriage, then you have to engage and engage. Do you have kids? If you don't, you can easily have romantic date nights. He is busy with work? What's the point of making lots of money if you have to split it up during a divorce? What's the point of money if you can't enjoy it with your love?

[Osmium13]

I did read a thread (also based in UK) where the wife did what you are suggestioning. Her husband stayed in the house and she move perhaps a twenty minute drive away. For several months he was sure it was adultery. There where a lot of one step forward two steps back for the next six months.

Finally he began putting the changes he need to make not just into the marriage but though out his life. They reconciled.

 

Big note: they did "dating" after a few months but not even holding hands dating. He worked IT and broke into all media accounts - nothing. He tried stalking her convinced there was adulter nothing except she didn't talk to him for a month when she caught him repeatly following her. He hired a PI after getting caught off and on for a month, again nothing. While she never posted she was determined he learned the problems in the marriage was not adultery but the relationship. She was blunt when he failed to grow. There would two weeks at a time without responding to emails, text, and calls.

 

I suspect she learned why her husband behaved the why he did and was able to create a "safe" enviroment and motivation to change. I guess the moral of her story is somebody sometimes wins the lottery.

 

 

She must have the patience of a saint! He sounds like an obsessive stalker with some serious jealousy issues... Well done to them if they managed to work it out after all of that!

[LifesontheUp]

All the advice about staying to engage hubby is all well.and good if hubby is listening. But he isnt.

 

Therefore this is why Alone doesn't know what to do.

 

You either put up or not seems your only choice as your hubby isn't bothered

[kgcolonel]

From what I'm reading, and not being critical but trying to be objective....I think deep down, Alone would like to be out of the relationship that isn't giving her what she wants / needs but isn't allowing herself to say it. I think she'd prefer that the H start engaging but she is getting no feedback or response from him and therefore needs an exit. The trial separation is not so much a soft break from the H but a soft exit for her. The temptation she experienced in an earlier thread opened her mind to the fact that she is vulnerable to an A and she clearly does not want that. This would define her as a person she does not want to be. Therefore, a trial separation which she knows and has been told will most likely lead to a divorce is her way to force the H to a "T" in the road, he can either chose to engage or lose her, and she doesn't have to introduce D to him.

 

Just my view here.

[DKT3]

From what I'm reading, and not being critical but trying to be objective....I think deep down, Alone would like to be out of the relationship that isn't giving her what she wants / needs but isn't allowing herself to say it. I think she'd prefer that the H start engaging but she is getting no feedback or response from him and therefore needs an exit. The trial separation is not so much a soft break from the H but a soft exit for her. The temptation she experienced in an earlier thread opened her mind to the fact that she is vulnerable to an A and she clearly does not want that. This would define her as a person she does not want to be. Therefore, a trial separation which she knows and has been told will most likely lead to a divorce is her way to force the H to a "T" in the road, he can either chose to engage or lose her, and she doesn't have to introduce D to him.

 

Just my view here.

This is about how I see it as well. I think (only my opinion) that she intends slow disengage using her husband to minimize the emotional fallout. Of course in order to do this she has to be misleading, oh its only for this period of time with the intention being to resume the marriage. Only its not her intentions at all. Key phase that she has repeatedly used, " I'm not ready to get divorced YET" very interesting way of putting it. But in those few words her true intentions are plain to see.i don't believe for one second her husband could do anything to change the direction she is heading, only selfishly looking to minimize her pain. Again just my opinion.

[Osmium13]

This is about how I see it as well. I think (only my opinion) that she intends slow disengage using her husband to minimize the emotional fallout. Of course in order to do this she has to be misleading, oh its only for this period of time with the intention being to resume the marriage. Only its not her intentions at all. Key phase that she has repeatedly used, " I'm not ready to get divorced YET" very interesting way of putting it. But in those few words her true intentions are plain to see.i don't believe for one second her husband could do anything to change the direction she is heading, only selfishly looking to minimize her pain. Again just my opinion.

 

Is it really that selfish? It appears that the husband has disconnected himself from the relationship (though I accept that he isn't able to present his perspective). Assuming for a second that your presumption is accurate, why shouldn't aloneuk try to minimise the hurt she suffers as a result of his inability to engage? We don't exist purely to keep everyone else happy at our own expense. Just my opinion.

[DKT3]

Is it really that selfish? It appears that the husband has disconnected himself from the relationship (though I accept that he isn't able to present his perspective). Assuming for a second that your presumption is accurate, why shouldn't aloneuk try to minimise the hurt she suffers as a result of his inability to engage? We don't exist purely to keep everyone else happy at our own expense. Just my opinion.

 

My point is, in order for her plan to work she must convincingly have her husband buy into a future when it's not really her intent. That is what makes it selfish. It's never selfish to leave a relationship your unhappy in, however dangling a carrot while actually planning an exit is.

[Aloneuk]

My intention was genuinely to try living elsewhere, with the hope that the distance would spur both H and I into realising that we both want to step up and put in the work required to save our marriage. There was no ulterior motive.

 

It wasn't my plan to use it as a stepping stone to divorce and start disengaging from the relationship. Divorce is the worst case scenario and a path I won't go down until I know that the marriage can't be saved. I had heard a saying that if you carry on doing what you have always done, you will get the same results. I thought that temporarily moving out would be a drastic enough move to make us see what we both will miss if we divorce.

 

I think the reason I have referred to not wanting a divorce 'yet' is that I am being realistic and understand that it is a possible outcome. Without realising it over the past months (or perhaps years?) I have gradually become more and more emotionally distant and separate from H.

 

I know that H and I could stay together like we have been, probably for the rest of our lives, and things would be 'ok' but I have realised in the last few months that I will never be happy with that. I can't be the only one in the relationship trying to nuture it, and be the only one trying to keep the emotional connection between us there. I want to have that connection with my partner where I know we want to be together and are content with each other, despite our faults. The fact that I had a near miss with work guy has made me realise I can't coast along like this anymore. I won't have an affair, and this was a wake up call for me, because I don't think it would have happened if I felt connected to H.

 

I have not taken the place to move into. I had to make a decision by Friday and whilst I really was tempted, I don't feel quite ready to move out. Like some have said, it might have meant us emotionally distancing ourselves even more and I don't think the marriage will survive that.

 

My plan now is to do IC and MC, and I have made clear to H my feelings and that if we can't resolve our issues (or I cant accept that this is how our marriage is always going to be) then separation is a possible outcome.

 

Any advice on what else I should be doing now?

 

Thanks again for all your thoughts and comments so far.

[Aloneuk]

From what I'm reading, and not being critical but trying to be objective....I think deep down, Alone would like to be out of the relationship that isn't giving her what she wants / needs but isn't allowing herself to say it. I think she'd prefer that the H start engaging but she is getting no feedback or response from him and therefore needs an exit. The trial separation is not so much a soft break from the H but a soft exit for her. The temptation she experienced in an earlier thread opened her mind to the fact that she is vulnerable to an A and she clearly does not want that. This would define her as a person she does not want to be. Therefore, a trial separation which she knows and has been told will most likely lead to a divorce is her way to force the H to a "T" in the road, he can either chose to engage or lose her, and she doesn't have to introduce D to him.

 

Just my view here.

 

This has summed up exactly how I feel!

 

I want to stay in the marriage if H can step up and provide what I need emotionally. But I understand this might not be possible.

 

I don't want to be the sort of person that falls into an affair, and its made me realise I can't continue in this way. Maybe it is me that has changed - perhaps H has always been like this or the business has made it worse.... Either way its not the sort of relationship I need.

 

I hoped a separation might make H realise what he needs to do to help save the marriage, and his subsequent action would show whether we have a future or not...

[DKT3]

Moving out aside, there is a issue here on your side. You knew who your husband was when you married him, now you are wanting him to change, is it fair to ask for that?

 

Another issue is your firmly placing the blame if your near cheating in his lap, ultimately it's you that almost cheated and 100% your fault and issue. Good thing is you've changed course and you are actually taking the healthy mature route.

 

For me I've simply never understand why someone would actually think you can create an emotional connections by becoming more distant.

 

I believe you will get the best results by engaging 100%, if you get nothing then you have your answer.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hi

 

Has anyone tried this when going through marriage difficulties, and if so, did it help you make the right decision regarding the future of your marriage?

 

I have a thread on the infidelity page (there has been no infidelity but I was tempted by a work colleagues pass made at me) but to cut a long story short, I am struggling with H's lack of emotional involvement in our marriage. He has an alexithymic personality type, is a workaholic and our 'connection' seems to have all but gone. I love him, and he loves me in the only way he can, but I feel some distance between us might help clarify things:

 

-It might jolt us into realising what we have together and spur us into wanting to make the effort to rebuild our relationship.

 

-It might make us/me realise the opposite and that I don't want to continue to try and work on the marriage.

 

I feel like I can't coast along with things the way they are and that at this moment I'm not sure if I can/want to put lots of effort into trying to make the marriage work (my hope is that time away might make me realise I do want to try).

 

Affordable places to rent don't come up nearby very often but I have found somewhere which could be suitable but I need to commit to 3 months and I need to decide by the end of the week. I have mentioned it to H and he is not keen on the idea ("I'm worried you won't come back")

 

Has anyone done this before or have any thoughts?

 

Thanks

 

As soon as I was away from my ex, separation trila, I felt HAPPY, FREE. I knew then that going back was NOT an option. A separation should be a time for you to OBJECTIVELY examine the state of your relationship AND NOT ALLOW distance to cloud your mind with feelings of want and separation. There were times I missed being with her physically, the sex was amazing with my ex, but that was the ONLY thing I missed.