Just Miscarried baby and he's blaming me...

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry for your loss. The miscarriage is obviously not your fault, and the fact that your husband (who should know better) has not supported you and actually blamed you during your time of need is unbelievable.

 

Your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. There is no other way to say it. His behavior is inexcusable and the fact that he treats you badly and then treats you well continues the cycle of abuse - and this needs to stop.

 

I hope that you have the strength to leave this man.

[BaileyB]

 

He told me if I'm gonna leave him that I should give him a heads up. He says he has decisions to make about which new job to accept and he needs to know if he should consider me.

 

Wow! This man does not care for you. These are not the words of a man who has any kind of love or affection for a woman. You need to find the strength to leave him.

[blackcat777]

I am so so sorry for your loss. Losing a pregnancy is so terrible in its own right and you need to take as much time as you need to grieve and heal.

 

Get this douchebag out of the picture. He has no respect for you.

 

You need to focus on you right now and drop everything that doesn't help you center and recalibrate.

 

Can you stay with family or friends?

 

When it's all over, I guarantee you will feel much better (and you WILL, even if you don't right now)... and this will be a blessing in disguise.

 

You've seen this man's true colors in your time of suffering. Peace out of there now.

[solidfythis]

Yes. It's a tool he uses I have finally seen. He acts cold. Tells me that we are not solid because of various reasons that usually finalize with ME causing some problem.

 

He constantly mentions divorce and insecurity in our relationship. Right after I told him about the pregnancy he got into an argument with me. He ended it by saying maybe you just need to go on your own. He was mad that I was worried about my boss's opinion on me and my work. He said that I care so much about this stuff and not enough about him and his urgent needs.

 

Constantly I hear "you have no idea..." Over and over again.

 

The thing is this all comes down to me. I am scared of being alone. And I am so meshed with him that I don't know how to be emotionally stable on my own. I get mad and angry at him. Then I get soft.

 

I just need to find the consistent strength.

[solidfythis]

Maybe this is cruel. Don't even know if I have the guts. But, I have bruises on my wrist from him trying to pull me back while arguing last night.

 

Should I call the police? I am out of town?

Does it warrant that? He did threaten to call police about his trip/ankle. But he didn't. And I don't think he ever really would. But if we end things...I think he will go guns a blazing.

 

Am I being too cruel to even consider this?

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone

[Tayla]

Let me be very clear. Get medical attention for the female concern.

Get counseling.

I mean no disrespect, I am having a difficult time that a lady of a doctor is unable to make sensible decisions about her health in getting medical treatment . Seems that 911 or a cab can assist.

I thankfully deleted my real sense on how passive behaviors are just as ill as an aggressive one. Get your physical health attended to. The problems in the marriage will be here afterwards.. One important task at a time. Btw welcome to the board.

[BettyDraper]

I just asked him if he thought I should consider going to a doctor here out of town..and he said no. He said go when you return....they may have to do a D and C if you don't fully pass...but since I was only 6 weeks along - probably not.

 

As for the strength to leave -- I don't know. I must say that I got a job offer that he doesn't know about out of state. It would require a paycut but I would love the job (I think). I am wondering if I shouldn't just take it and disappear.

 

Today he is telling me how much he loves me and he is worried that I seem so distant....I said I just don't feel well. He said that something is up because I am not holding his hand much or looking at him when he talks.

 

He reminded me that on the plane he did tell me that we would try again -- but that he wants me to be healthy first. No drinking...and constant working out. That's how the BLAME came. He said I was drinking too much on weekends out and that it probably caused the miscarriage too.

 

I found out by accident at 4 weeks on the nose because I had gone in for blood work and they saw I was JUST pregnant. I stopped drinking immediately and stared working out 7 days a week and really eating healthy. He said the weekend before I was out drinking (WITH HIM) and that probably didn't help.

 

Again - today he's all rainbows and unicorns. We will be fine... we will have another baby....he will try to help me take the stress off ...and you need to be healthy.

 

Read up on The Cycle of Abuse. This is the honeymoon stage. Take that job and file for divorce.

[BettyDraper]

I can't believe a medical doctor would say something so ignorant. The unfortunate truth is miscarriages are a common occurrence. I think the numbers are roughly 20% of healthy young females will miscarry. That's what the doctor said when my ex miscarried.

 

I'll never forget the day I was in the doctor's office with her. I'll never forget the pain, and I couldn't even imagine what she was feeling. I'm so sorry. The statements he made are inexcusable.

 

To tell you the truth, I'm finding it hard to believe that the OP's husband is a doctor. His words just don't add up.

[BettyDraper]

Maybe this is cruel. Don't even know if I have the guts. But, I have bruises on my wrist from him trying to pull me back while arguing last night.

 

Should I call the police? I am out of town?

Does it warrant that? He did threaten to call police about his trip/ankle. But he didn't. And I don't think he ever really would. But if we end things...I think he will go guns a blazing.

 

Am I being too cruel to even consider this?

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone

 

Nope. He's being cruel.

Are you going to wait until your husband punches you in the face? I know that sounds harsh but I can assure you that the abuse will only escalate.

[turnera]

What would you do about any of this? Am I at fault. I def do not feel well. But I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

I would fly home, see my doctor to make sure I'm all right, and then I would find the best lawyer in town so I could divorce the abusive *********.

 

and yes, he IS abusive.

[turnera]

Today he is telling me how much he loves me and he is worried that I seem so distant

Of course he is. He is doing the 'required' honeymoon phase of abuse. You're not stupid. Surely you've looked this up before. You did, after all, put this in the abuse section.

The cycle of abuse can leave you feeling crazy. The abuser’s behavior can swing quickly from sweet and seemingly kind to angry and hurtful. It is typical to feel as though you are “walking on eggshells.” Some women have said that he seemed to be like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. In time you may realize that the sweet behavior is actually manipulation. His purpose is to control you. His gifts and kindness always have strings attached. He is quickly angry if you refuse his “gifts.” The cycle may not necessarily follow the pattern of “honeymoon”, “tension” and “explosion.” He may jump between the three phases. He may stay in “honeymoon” for a few minutes or a few weeks before the “tension” or “explosion” hit. The pattern generally deteriorates over time; he spends more and more time in the “tension” and “explosion” phases, and only gives enough “honeymoon” to keep you hopeful in the relationship.

The Cycle of Abuse | Respect For Women

[turnera]

The thing is this all comes down to me. I am scared of being alone. And I am so meshed with him that I don't know how to be emotionally stable on my own. I get mad and angry at him. Then I get soft.

 

I just need to find the consistent strength.

You were alone before you married him, weren't you? You weren't born married to him? You two wouldn't die at the same instant, so you're really alone anyway.

 

What you REALLY need is to 1) find a good therapist and start going without telling him; 2) make sure you have a bag of emergency stuff packed at all times so you can leave any time of day, including money; 3) start your own bank account he can't access and start putting money away without telling him; 4) get back in touch with family and friends and strengthen those bonds - I assume he has 'convinced' you to cut off contact with all of them for one reason or another, right? (that's what abusers do); and 5) once you read the book mentioned above, then read this one, which will SHOW you that he will NEVER improve, NEVER change for the better, and will only abuse you WORSE as time goes on: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men. You simply MUST read this book.

[turnera]

Maybe this is cruel. Don't even know if I have the guts. But, I have bruises on my wrist from him trying to pull me back while arguing last night.

 

Should I call the police? I am out of town?

Does it warrant that? He did threaten to call police about his trip/ankle. But he didn't. And I don't think he ever really would. But if we end things...I think he will go guns a blazing.

 

Am I being too cruel to even consider this?

No, don't bother unless you can do it without him knowing.

 

Why? Because when you leave him, you are going to have to do it without telling him first. You're going to accept that job, get your family/friends to help you, and move away when he's at work. Otherwise, he will mentally - if not physically - grind you down into the dust if you try to logic your way out of the home. NOBODY advises abuse victims to tell their abuser that they are going to leave.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am trying to pretend that everything is ok. I don't want to give him a heads up but he can tell that I'm still not quite right.

 

He told me if I'm gonna leave him that I should give him a heads up. He says he has decisions to make about which new job to accept and he needs to know if he should consider me.

 

I wanted to scream. But I said of course. He says this constantly. "Maybe I shouldn't even think of you....when I make my decisions because you clearly don't understand reality".

 

I find abusers like him often project their own emotional narrative onto others.

 

Like if they are control-freaks, they will accuse you of being controlling.

 

You'll notice that he said you don't understand reality.

 

Erm, yeah......

 

Don't just think this will blow over and you can get past / correct this. His temper is so disconcerting, and you are just pregnant... My God... Please find any way to remove yourself quietly and not get hoovered back in.

 

Don't tip your hand with this guy. If there is a safe way you can record or document, (well, on here kinda works) do so. But DO NOT risk him finding it

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm so sorry for your loss. The miscarriage is obviously not your fault, and the fact that your husband (who should know better) has not supported you and actually blamed you during your time of need is unbelievable.

 

Your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. There is no other way to say it. His behavior is inexcusable and the fact that he treats you badly and then treats you well continues the cycle of abuse - and this needs to stop.

 

I hope that you have the strength to leave this man.

 

Lady seriously, if you lived in my city, I would pick you up from the airport. This dude is giving ME anxiety from here worse than my own husband. And my husband is a jerk.

[dreamingoftigers]

Find that part of you that knows this is wrong, and connect it with the part of you that will do something about it.

 

You KNOW it's wrong.

You KNOW what reality is.

 

That's why your abuser keeps telling you that you don't

 

I let my husband's abuse just be a buzzing noise in my head. Fck that. Don't live like that. And don't beat yourself up because "you chose him or you can't make him happy or he's stressed or........" Whatever freaking thing you tell yourself to keep this going. Just realize it is wrong for one human being to treat another like this. And you are a human being. Done. No negotiation.

[BaileyB]

Please don't stay with an abuser because you are afraid to be alone. That is not a good enough reason.

 

Talk to a counsellor, a women's shelter, a friend or family member and make a plan to get away from him. You can sort the rest out later. Take care.

[SaveYourHeart]

Please don't stay with an abuser because you are afraid to be alone. That is not a good enough reason.

 

Talk to a counsellor, a women's shelter, a friend or family member and make a plan to get away from him. You can sort the rest out later. Take care.

All day long, I draft divorces for women who have been in abusive relationships for 20, 30, 40 years. Their lives were stolen and now they have no idea how to live alone, without the abuse, without the person who has destroyed them. The magic comes when they wake up one morning and finally feel happy, free, alive. Do you want to be married to this hateful man for the next 30 years? Please be strong, make the decision to live for yourself.

[wmacbride]

If i were in your shoes, I would run as far and as fast from this guy as I could, but not before speaking to a lawyer to find out what your rights are. Explain the situation, and ask for their advice.

 

I would also seek advice from a a group that provide advocacy and advice for abused spouses.

 

here area few to get you started:

 

Help for Abused and Battered Women: Protecting Yourself and Escaping from Domestic Violence

 

Where can I get help for domestic abuse? ( Canada)

 

 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support ( national domestic violence hotline- USA)

 

These groups are experts and can help you figure out which next steps will be right for you, and they can also help you find service and support in your own area, and can also give you advice about being safe.

 

Whatever happens, know that this is not your fault, and all the love int he world isn't going to fix him. He has a problem, don't let him make it yours.

[solidfythis]

I really appreciate your perspective and I worry that I will not be able to survive emotionally without him. You mention that they spent decades and then divorce -- how long does it take for them to feel BETTER about their lives without their spouse? I am extremely co-dependant obviously..

 

I am constantly putting my DH first even over my work and family... I don't feel very stable about ANYTHING or ANYONE in my life.

 

Last night I didn't respond here because I was with my DH at dinner. He told me that he was very nervous about my behavior and that my aloofness was very alarming to him.

 

He immediately told me that he no longer thinks it is a good idea for us to move near my family (2 hours away) ...we were going to do that for various reasons but the baby was one of them.

 

So, now he is backing out on that. He says he needs to focus on his new job and he wants to take the one where we currently live -- near HIS family and far from mine.

 

I said so I don't get a say in this? He said that my behavior is indicative that there's a problem and that he can't feel confident about moving near my family. He doesn't trust this ....

 

Of course I am playing along as if nothing is wrong...but I'm seeing the signs of what he wants and doesn't want.

 

It's definitely not about me...

 

 

 

 

UOTE=SaveYourHeart;7054358]All day long, I draft divorces for women who have been in abusive relationships for 20, 30, 40 years. Their lives were stolen and now they have no idea how to live alone, without the abuse, without the person who has destroyed them. The magic comes when they wake up one morning and finally feel happy, free, alive. Do you want to be married to this hateful man for the next 30 years? Please be strong, make the decision to live for yourself.

[VeveCakes]

He doesnt want to be near your family, its called isolation. Its a classic move by an abuser.

[BlueIris]

I really appreciate your perspective and I worry that I will not be able to survive emotionally without him. You mention that they spent decades and then divorce -- how long does it take for them to feel BETTER about their lives without their spouse? I am extremely co-dependant obviously..

 

I am constantly putting my DH first even over my work and family... I don't feel very stable about ANYTHING or ANYONE in my life.

 

Last night I didn't respond here because I was with my DH at dinner. He told me that he was very nervous about my behavior and that my aloofness was very alarming to him.

 

He immediately told me that he no longer thinks it is a good idea for us to move near my family (2 hours away) ...we were going to do that for various reasons but the baby was one of them.

 

So, now he is backing out on that. He says he needs to focus on his new job and he wants to take the one where we currently live -- near HIS family and far from mine.

 

I said so I don't get a say in this? He said that my behavior is indicative that there's a problem and that he can't feel confident about moving near my family. He doesn't trust this ....

 

Of course I am playing along as if nothing is wrong...but I'm seeing the signs of what he wants and doesn't want.

 

It's definitely not about me...

 

It makes perfect sense that you feel the way you do. Living with someone like that affects people negatively. You're doing the right thing by not telling him. Make your plan to get out and go. The overriding truth is that he is both emotionally and physically dangerous, so get out and go to people who will protect and support you.

[SaveYourHeart]

It depends on the woman. They go through stages of resentment and hate, then gradually start to realize that their worlds no longer revolve around the abuse, they can move on. My favorite client right now spent 40 years with her abusive husband. He cheated on her while she was in the hospital recovering from a heart attack. He made her scrub the floors with a toothbrush until they were spotless when she was 9 months pregnant. For her, it took about 3 months. She moved on so quickly, it was surprising. She wakes up and loves to be alive now. She goes on adventures, spends time with her boys, calls me to tell me how happy she is.

 

At the same time, I have other clients who take a lot longer to heal. Many get stuck on the idea that they can't live without him and mourn the time that they wasted. They spend a lot of time figuring out who they are on their own, because they lost themselves somewhere along the way. Most of them recover by the time a year rolls around, but sometimes it takes longer. The quicker you find the strength to leave, the easier it will be to move on. I believe in you.

[SaveYourHeart]

How about this, if you try to find the strength to leave yours, I'll try to find the strength to leave mine.

[solidfythis]

The thing is .. I hear stories like that woman and think well I don't have it THAT bad... Maybe I should just try to get through this. I am very scared of being alone. And honestly, I know I'm a pretty woman and can definitely grow my career back to what it was before I met my husband IF I can get my brain in gear.

 

I broke up with my DH while we were engaged.. and that week was unbearable to me. I had the exact reaction.. I felt like we wasted so much quality time with the arguing and I begged him back. I returned like a child begging for his love. If he even got the least bit upset about ANYTHING I would beg him to calm down and understand that I love him and not to yell. I would hug him and tell him how much I want "us". I was disgusting. He is noticing now that I'm no longer the person I returned to him ...as.

 

I am fighting back a bit now. I'm not nearly what I should be. But my anger is beginning to return and I am no longer this weak person that I appeared to be last year.

 

That's the cycle I am worried about. I think if I leave him again -- I will do the exact same thing. I will beg and plead and he will finally go cold on me and I won't be able to function.

 

I talked to a therapist about this and it didn't really help me... because I just wallowed on the fact that he was gone and I lost so much time.

 

That's why your perspective speaks so clearly to me...in so many ways.

 

It depends on the woman. They go through stages of resentment and hate, then gradually start to realize that their worlds no longer revolve around the abuse, they can move on. My favorite client right now spent 40 years with her abusive husband. He cheated on her while she was in the hospital recovering from a heart attack. He made her scrub the floors with a toothbrush until they were spotless when she was 9 months pregnant. For her, it took about 3 months. She moved on so quickly, it was surprising. She wakes up and loves to be alive now. She goes on adventures, spends time with her boys, calls me to tell me how happy she is.

 

At the same time, I have other clients who take a lot longer to heal. Many get stuck on the idea that they can't live without him and mourn the time that they wasted. They spend a lot of time figuring out who they are on their own, because they lost themselves somewhere along the way. Most of them recover by the time a year rolls around, but sometimes it takes longer. The quicker you find the strength to leave, the easier it will be to move on. I believe in you.