Just Miscarried baby and he's blaming me...

[turnera]

He immediately told me that he no longer thinks it is a good idea for us to move near my family (2 hours away) ...we were going to do that for various reasons but the baby was one of them.

 

So, now he is backing out on that. He says he needs to focus on his new job and he wants to take the one where we currently live -- near HIS family and far from mine.

What did I tell you last night?

 

One of the first things an abuser does is ISOLATE you from YOUR family. That's so they can't talk you into leaving him and so they can't keep you feeling worthwhile and strong.

[turnera]

I talked to a therapist about this and it didn't really help me... because I just wallowed on the fact that he was gone and I lost so much time.

Please understand something. You have been BRAINWASHED. That is the effect of living with an abuser. What you think you know has been altered. He has convinced you that YOU are faulty, incapable, needy, wrong, stupid, unstable.

 

None of that is true. So when you DO go back to a therapist - and you will NEVER do the right thing unless you do - instead of talking about needing him, why don't you talk about what he did to you?

 

Also understand that you can't just go see a therapist and walk out fixed. They aren't those kinds of doctors. It took a lot of time for him to make you so weak. It will take time for you to find your strength and purpose and self love again. It will take many visits to your therapist for you to separate what he's done to you from what you really DO believe.

 

And of course you can be happy again, love again, not need him. But you need to start now.

[Tayla]

We are getting a one sided story..

 

I'd save the noose hanging as I sense that there maybe some parts that are being with held.

 

We have far too many unknowns to assume ..

 

Maybe I've sat with the abused and listened .. Only to find out they covertly created the dynamics to fester.

 

My husband choose to stay where his profession was better served, I sure as heck missed my family! Yet he wasn't isolating me. We compromised because realistically we were adults with obligations.

 

The Op is choosing to side step getting the medical attention in return for her perception of being co dependent. I do not know if that is the way to remain.

Things just aren't sitting right .. So as they say on Shark tank.. I'm out on this.

 

Op- get medical attention.

[solidfythis]

I went to urgent care this am. They said there was nothing they could do and it left my husband telling me "I told you so" and telling me I just like to play out drama.

 

As for my relocation. He was fine to do it until the miscarriage and the fight where I told him to leave (after he told me he was leaving me).

 

And yes he isolates me. He hates all my friends and does not allow me to do girl lunches even.

Edited September 16, 2016 by solidfythis

[BaileyB]

I read your posts and it makes me sad. You are a beautiful, articulate, kind woman and it makes me so sad to think that in your heart, you don't believe that you deserve more than what this abuser offers you.

 

I understand, you have come to believe that your life is better with, than without, this man. But, it is not true.

 

There is so much more to life. You deserve someone who loves you, supports you, encourages you, and is kind to you. Not someone who belittles you, isolates you, and destroys your self esteem to the point that you see only him.

 

Keep talking. I suggest that you visit a women's clinic when you get home. Tell your story. Listen to what they say. Someday, you will find the strength. I just hope he doesn't destroy your beautiful spirit before that happens...

[dreamingoftigers]

I really appreciate your perspective and I worry that I will not be able to survive emotionally without him. You mention that they spent decades and then divorce -- how long does it take for them to feel BETTER about their lives without their spouse? I am extremely co-dependant obviously..

 

So you feel that you need a lot of reassurance?

 

I can pretty much guarantee you that you are looking in the wrong place. In fact, he was probably the most reassuring, wonderful prince-like man ever when you met him. Until he wasn't. Until he is slightly stressed. Until he gets mad and belligerent. Now he targets your weakest points, deepest fears and anywhere you can draw support from. Ask me how I know.

 

When these arseholes can't control their own emotions they try to control everyone around them.

 

I'll let you in on a little secret: it feels much better, much quicker than you suspect it will. I don't know exactly why, but it does. The anxiety goes away significantly after even a couple of weeks. The first week or so feels like fear and dying. Call a Distress Center instead of him EVERY TIME. You will feel MUCH BETTER and it will get you over the hump.

 

At first it will feel quiet, like you can hear a pin drop. That's okay, GO THROUGH THE GRIEF. I first saw this phrase on here and it made total sense: If you are going through Hell, keep going....

 

I am constantly putting my DH first even over my work and family... I don't feel very stable about ANYTHING or ANYONE in my life.

 

That's because you aren't nourishing you. You are nourishing him hoping he will nourish you back and he's only sucking the life out of you. Ask me again how I know.

 

Last night I didn't respond here because I was with my DH at dinner. He told me that he was very nervous about my behavior and that my aloofness was very alarming to him.

 

He's as addicted to the reassurance as you are. It's time you both went through withdrawal. His will have to be forced though.

 

He immediately told me that he no longer thinks it is a good idea for us to move near my family (2 hours away) ...we were going to do that for various reasons but the baby was one of them.

 

So, now he is backing out on that. He says he needs to focus on his new job and he wants to take the one where we currently live -- near HIS family and far from mine.

 

He needs to monopolize you because HE is actually DEPENDENT on YOU.

Yeah, I bet it doesn't seem that way. But that's why he keeps pushing and pulling you around. Because he isn't capable of coping himself. His emotional narrative is fcked.

 

I said so I don't get a say in this? He said that my behavior is indicative that there's a problem and that he can't feel confident about moving near my family. He doesn't trust this ....

 

Insecure much?

 

I think so. And rightfully so. Although he thinks it is because of you when really it should be because his behaviour is the shts.

 

He wants you stuck on the Reserve where he can watch you. Because if you are out of his sight, you might wander and just find yourself a life beyond him.

 

Of course I am playing along as if nothing is wrong...but I'm seeing the signs of what he wants and doesn't want.

 

It's definitely not about me...

 

No sht. None of this is. It's ALL ABOUT HIM.

 

Somedays I used to think my husband was convinced he was the only real person on the planet.

[dreamingoftigers]

It depends on the woman. They go through stages of resentment and hate, then gradually start to realize that their worlds no longer revolve around the abuse, they can move on. My favorite client right now spent 40 years with her abusive husband. He cheated on her while she was in the hospital recovering from a heart attack. He made her scrub the floors with a toothbrush until they were spotless when she was 9 months pregnant. For her, it took about 3 months. She moved on so quickly, it was surprising. She wakes up and loves to be alive now. She goes on adventures, spends time with her boys, calls me to tell me how happy she is.

 

At the same time, I have other clients who take a lot longer to heal. Many get stuck on the idea that they can't live without him and mourn the time that they wasted. They spend a lot of time figuring out who they are on their own, because they lost themselves somewhere along the way. Most of them recover by the time a year rolls around, but sometimes it takes longer. The quicker you find the strength to leave, the easier it will be to move on. I believe in you.

 

I notice abuse victims tend to mourn the start of the relationship AND the time they lost more then the arshol they left. IMHO

[solidfythis]

The hard part is I feel so worthless. Anytime we went anywhere he stole the show. He took over all conversations and I felt so useless. Now I am struggling in building connections. I don't even know how to engage the way I used to.

 

I assume that's normal in abuse. But I don't know how to be me anymore.

[solidfythis]

Honestly, I'm looking for a way to find strength and to keep me away from him.

 

Would any of you actually call police on this situation? I have bruises from how he was grabbing my arm and holding me back. But, we are out of town...

 

If I were to do that -- I would hope that it would keep me from going back...but is it too severe?

 

Am I just being vindictive now? I just want this smiling charismatic...everyone loves him ...kind of guy... to be found out. I hate that he will go on and just lure another person.

 

I must admit -- I am his 3rd wife...

[JewelD]

Honestly, I'm looking for a way to find strength and to keep me away from him.

 

Would any of you actually call police on this situation? I have bruises from how he was grabbing my arm and holding me back. But, we are out of town...

 

If I were to do that -- I would hope that it would keep me from going back...but is it too severe?

 

Am I just being vindictive now? I just want this smiling charismatic...everyone loves him ...kind of guy... to be found out. I hate that he will go on and just lure another person.

 

I must admit -- I am his 3rd wife...

 

That's ridiculous. Even if they arrest him, they're not going to keep him in jail forever. The bail won't be that high.

 

You're the only person that can stop yourself from going back. You're a 3rd wife, that should have seemed a bit odd to you when you married him, not just now.

 

You really need some professional help on this because you have convinced yourself you're not capable of existing without this man.

 

You were cramping and bleeding and he suggested you drink some wine. and your OBGYN said to wait until you come home to see a doctor? I'm having a hard time believing either of them are actual doctors.

[solidfythis]

We just had a horrible fight because I told him that after vacation I need to return to my family's town 3 times next week. (It's a 2 hour drive). I told him I would be back by dinner time.

 

he went ballistic and said that I need to really think about what I need. He says since I need to visit my family so much -- maybe I should just live around them...He says he can't leave now job wise....he's not making a leap of faith on me anymore.

 

When he started going off on me I hit the video record button on my phone so I could hold onto these arguments. I only got 3 seconds in and he saw this. He came after my phone ...grabbed it and said that since I was recording him.... (I told him it was accident!) that I should know he's been recording me for months and if I leave him and hurt him in any way -- he will definitely come after me in any way he can.

 

He says he won't stand by and allow himself to be hurt and he will bury me....

 

I told him again it was ACCIDENT. I showed him that I got nothing -- it was 2 seconds of the floor and he said he didn't believe me and that I was extremely dangerous and he can't trust me at all.

 

He told me that I'm a nightmare and everyone has told me I shouldn't be trusted and he needs to start listening...

[BaileyB]

This man is frightening. He will not appreciate the fact that you may leave, and I expect him to threaten you, as he has done, in an attempt to scare you into staying.

 

Do what you have to do to get away. Do not tell him that you are leaving. Take some money, pack your things, and go to your family. Tell them what is happening. If you are strong enough to get to your family or a friend, they can help you from there.

 

But, only you can make the decision. YOU NEED TO SAVE YOURSELF! There is help for you, but only once you make the decision that you will not allow him to abuse you one more day!

 

I understand that you feel worthless. I understand that you are scared to be alone. I understand that you are not sure you are strong enough.

 

But, you are not worthless. You deserve someone who loves you and cares for you. And, in their absence, you need to care for yourself. You can be strong and you can do this alone (or, I should say, with the support of friends and family).

 

PLEASE, make a plan and get away from this man. He is escalating and he is frightening. He is manipulative and very abusive. But, only you can make the decision. I pray that you have the strength to do what you need to do.

[dreamingoftigers]

The hard part is I feel so worthless. Anytime we went anywhere he stole the show. He took over all conversations and I felt so useless. Now I am struggling in building connections. I don't even know how to engage the way I used to.

 

I assume that's normal in abuse. But I don't know how to be me anymore.

 

Totally yes.

 

I had a very hard time coming out of my shell after the emotional abuse. A really hard time making friends again.

 

But it's necessary.

[BaileyB]

Totally yes.

 

I had a very hard time coming out of my shell after the emotional abuse. A really hard time making friends again.

 

But it's necessary.

 

It is necessary.

 

He has isolated you such that you are dependent on him and think that you need him - that you are not capable and not strong enough to be on your own. He has taken your self esteem and your self worth.

 

You can find yourself again. But, not with this man in your life.

[turnera]

I think you've reached the tipping point in your situation. If you go back with him, he will pull out all the stops to control your every move. I've even seen men handcuff their wives when they leave for work. Or lock them in a room. Please believe me, it is that serious.

 

You should leave now, if you can, and fly straight to your parents' home. Or a sibling. And THEN tell the police. They won't be able to do anything about it but they could document it in case he comes after you. When I tried to leave my abusive ex, he went out to my car and disabled it so I couldn't drive away! So I walked a few blocks til I found a payphone and called my friend and her father to come get me. I hid until they got there. Even then, he figured out where I went and went to my friend's parents' house and tried to get me back until her father threatened to call the police on him.

[turnera]

We are getting a one sided story..

 

I'd save the noose hanging as I sense that there maybe some parts that are being with held.

 

We have far too many unknowns to assume ..

 

Maybe I've sat with the abused and listened .. Only to find out they covertly created the dynamics to fester.

 

My husband choose to stay where his profession was better served, I sure as heck missed my family! Yet he wasn't isolating me. We compromised because realistically we were adults with obligations.

 

The Op is choosing to side step getting the medical attention in return for her perception of being co dependent. I do not know if that is the way to remain.

Things just aren't sitting right .. So as they say on Shark tank.. I'm out on this.

 

Op- get medical attention.

Even if she's egging on the situation, and many victims do, for him to get MAD at her for being upset at losing the baby is insidious and unforgivable. I would NEVER stay with a man who reacted that way to losing a baby, even at six weeks.

[CarrieT]

Please sneak out ASAP and file a Restraining Order to keep him away.

 

The man is dangerous to an Nth degree.

[solidfythis]

I really don't believe I provoke him. He gets mad because I don't make decisions for him regarding his job etc and He wants me to decide things I am not capable of deciding on.

 

After his anger emerges, I have tried to tell him my thoughts on what he should do regarding where to take a job and he will turn it on me immediately and say that I am not living in reality if I make 'said' suggestion. (Even though it was an option HE was seriously considering just the day before.

 

So do I purposely provoke him? No. but he just feels provoked by pretty much anything. Even when I stay quiet and pleasant he will be mad that I am so quiet. That becomes his mantra: "your quietness shows you clearly just don't understand"

 

As for his anger at me over my reaction to miscarriage ... I know it's because he can't control it. He wants to control circumstances and my reactions. And when I started crying that bothered him. And he went off about how I was going to turn depressed and possibly make our relationship worse.

 

As it turned out ...these past few days have been awful. It's one accusation after the next. And now since I told him to leave me (after he said loudly in the hotel lobby "take off your ring! Take off your ring" and told me he was flying home and packing my ****) ...he says that he doesn't feel confident in me as a partner. He said "you said you wanted me to leave!"

 

I said "how did that start?!!?!" I pointed out that he started all of this. Not me. And yes I didn't back down to his Vail threat. I said then go ahead....goooo!

 

He does not accept the fact that he was the start of this. And he tells me I'm insane if I can't see how I caused all of this.

 

Today he seems fine. Loving. And calm. But he doesn't seem to have any compassion for the fact that I lost a baby. Yes it is early. But i was so excited. I know this is probably a blessing in disguise. But I am just so disappointed.

 

He said last night. Stop getting sad. I'll give you another one! Let's just get you healthy. On this vacation I have been drinking a few drinks a day. He likes to point out how unhealthy I am acting.

 

It's just always my fault.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone

[BaileyB]

Love, why are you engaging in these types of discussion with this man?

 

It's like trying to reason with a toddler throwing a temper tantrum - it's unreasonable to expect a toddler having a tantrum to be able to have a rational and reasonable discussion with you.

 

No woman ever deserves to be abused! However, by engaging in these discussions with an abusive man, you are provoking him. Unknowingly, you are provoking him by continuing to engage in the "argument."

 

This man is abusive. Don't try to understand him, because you won't. Certainly, don't try to defend him, because you can't. Just go along until it is safe for you to leave - GO TO YOUR FAMILY and tell them what is happening in your marriage.

 

And definitely, DO NOT GET PREGNANT again! If you do, you will be bringing a child into an abusive and unsafe home. And, I don't think you really want to be responsible for that...

 

I know you are disappointed, but you don't want to have a baby with an abusive man in a dysfunctional home. You want a kind, loving husband and father for your child. You are just so conflicted right now... But in time, you will understand this more. He is not the man for you or your child. You deserve more than this and there is more out there for you...

Edited September 18, 2016 by BaileyB

[devilish innocent]

Solidfy, I just read through all of your posts on this thread, and I'm a bit surprised you've said you don't think your situation is "that bad." I grew up with a verbally abusive parent. Several different therapists I've seen have all said that it was verbal abusive. But compared to your husband, this parent seems like an angel.

 

If you're having doubts about leaving, I think you need to ask yourself why you want to live like this for the rest of your life. Yes, breaking up with somebody who you thought you had a future with is painful. But you live through it, and then it starts to get easier and easier day by day. After that you get to have a much brighter future ahead of you. By contrast, if you stay, the pain is going to be something you will have to endure for the rest of your life. If you have a child with this person, then they will have no choice but to endure some similar abuse as well. The psychological issues such as depression and anxiety often stay with the person long after they've left their parent's house as well. Do you really want to take the risk that this pain could get passed on to the next generation?

 

Is the job you were offered near your family by any chance? If so, I definitely think you should take it. Otherwise, I would say either take the job, or move near people who support you. Either way get out of the situation you're in.

 

Don't let the fear that you won't be able to make it on your own stop you from trying. The worst that can happen is that you break down, and he takes you back. Then you are back where you started. Some times it takes several tries before leaving the relationship sticks. Any thing short of going back to him you will survive. As hard and difficult as it will seem at the time, you will make it through to the side. You will look back and be glad you did it. You will only wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

 

Good luck!

[elaine567]

Don't take our word for it go google some stuff about emotional abuse and download some books about the subject.

He is a classic abuser straight out of the text books, so you can deny all you want or refuse to believe it, or put your head in the sand, but that is who he is and he will not get better, only worse as you are enabling him. by staying there and taking it.

 

You cannot out-logic an abuser as they do not see the truth as everyone else sees it, they only accept the truth as they see it. He will send you insane and I do mean literally.

Get out whilst you still can.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear what has happened. I went through the same thing at 6 weeks too so I know it is painful and how shaky you feel afterwards emotionally and physically.

 

The last thing you need is the way your guy behaved. I am sorry but you've married a self-centred guy who has no compassion or empathy. There must have been hints of this before but perhaps you didn't realise what they meant, saw it as his character or quirky way of behaving. You probably didn't think it was likely to get worse.

 

It could be that he was panicking because he was in a scary situation and didn't know how to react, but do were you. He should not have become unreasonable and blaming. You don't need this. You don't need someone shouting at you; you need someone supportive and loving.

 

It sounds like there has been a pattern of abuse in your relationship with this particular guy. You have had to call security. Who has to call security about their husband? Someone who is in an abusive relationship, that's who. I feel for you. I think you need to reconsider this marriage. You have done nothing wrong and he has failed you most dramatically.

[spiderowl]

Honestly, I'm looking for a way to find strength and to keep me away from him.

 

Would any of you actually call police on this situation? I have bruises from how he was grabbing my arm and holding me back. But, we are out of town...

 

If I were to do that -- I would hope that it would keep me from going back...but is it too severe?

 

Am I just being vindictive now? I just want this smiling charismatic...everyone loves him ...kind of guy... to be found out. I hate that he will go on and just lure another person.

 

I must admit -- I am his 3rd wife...

 

I think there are domestic abuse helplines where they can help you to gather evidence of abuse without you having to prosecute him if you don't feel up to it at the moment. Getting photos of those bruises would be a good idea. You can then choose if you want to use them in future. Try and get them date-stamped.

 

When I read your first posts and you talked about his reaction, how he suddenly felt insecure about you and thought you might leave, that suggested to me that he had been in this situation before and that the woman(women?) had eventually left him. When you say that you are his 3rd wife, then that speaks volumes. Have you ever met any of his previous wives? I know ordinarily one wouldn't want to do that, but in this case it might be very revealing indeed.

[spiderowl]

That's ridiculous. Even if they arrest him, they're not going to keep him in jail forever. The bail won't be that high.

 

You're the only person that can stop yourself from going back. You're a 3rd wife, that should have seemed a bit odd to you when you married him, not just now.

 

You really need some professional help on this because you have convinced yourself you're not capable of existing without this man.

 

You were cramping and bleeding and he suggested you drink some wine. and your OBGYN said to wait until you come home to see a doctor? I'm having a hard time believing either of them are actual doctors.

 

Before people say that they can't believe a doctor would give advice to wait until she got home to see a doctor, that is quite possible. A miscarriage at 6 weeks is quite early. The same thing happened to me. I spoke to my doctor on the phone. He just basically said wait and see how it goes and if there is too much bleeding to contact him again. I didn't know what to expect from a doctor and assumed this was normal for the stage I was at. I think there is probably little else he could have said. ER don't want patients there unless it is an emergency.

 

Unfortunately, it is a natural event. It is hard to cope with emotionally and physically but not uncommon. It would be far worse later down the line. I was sad and upset but I see it as nature taking charge. I am sure if there had been serious bleeding my doctor would have seen me and got me into hospital quickly.

 

Her husband was uncaring and hard in his attitude and that was the fault.

[solidfythis]

I have met his first wife. Not his second. He had kids with her so I see her from time to time. It appears that she supports him. We broke up once or twice and he told her all about it. She is remarried and she and her husband invited him to dinner with the kids etc. he trashed me to them. He said he thought we were done and he had no choice. They weee supporting him.

 

When he is scared of me leaving...yes. I have left before. But I went back. This has happened a few times. I even disappeared a couple times while he was at work. But going back made it worse because he has held this over my head.

 

I think back to the fight we had the other night and it truly was psychotic. I am at a hotel running through the grass screaming leave me alone. (Miscarryong) and he is chasing me. Falling. Screaming and claiming he broke his ankle. (Fake)

 

And then telling me he was going to call police and accuse me of abuse. Then running after me again when I run away from this. Then fighting in the room again. I didn't call security. They came on their own because someone heard us and called.

 

I feel like it was all an out of body experience.

 

 

I think there are domestic abuse helplines where they can help you to gather evidence of abuse without you having to prosecute him if you don't feel up to it at the moment. Getting photos of those bruises would be a good idea. You can then choose if you want to use them in future. Try and get them date-stamped.

 

When I read your first posts and you talked about his reaction, how he suddenly felt insecure about you and thought you might leave, that suggested to me that he had been in this situation before and that the woman(women?) had eventually left him. When you say that you are his 3rd wife, then that speaks volumes. Have you ever met any of his previous wives? I know ordinarily one wouldn't want to do that, but in this case it might be very revealing indeed.