Just Miscarried baby and he's blaming me...

[turnera]

Get this book and read it as SOON as you get home, so you will understand what you are really dealing with.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft, Paperback | Barnes & Noble®

[solidfythis]

This quote is so spot on:

 

"The abuser’s mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum. When he’s in this mode, nothing she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. As so many partners of my clients have said to me, “I just can’t seem to do anything right.”

At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him. When this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal. He seems to let down his guard, his hard exterior softens, and he may take on the quality of a hurt child, difficult and frustrating but lovable. Looking at him in this deflated state, his partner has trouble imagining that the abuser inside of him will ever be back. The beast that takes him over at other times looks completely unrelated to the tender person she now sees. Sooner or later, though, the shadow comes back over him, as if it had a life of its own. Weeks of peace may go by, but eventually she finds herself under assault once again. Then her head spins with the arduous effort of untangling the many threads of his character, until she begins to wonder whether she is the one whose head isn’t quite right."

 

 

*********

I was asked today by a colleague to do some freelance work in the next few months that would require travel. I didn't accept because I knew he would blow up and be angry with my travel. He saw the email exposed on my phone and I explained that I was offered it and turned it down because it required travel this week.

 

He said I should go and he will go along. I said ...okay... I will check.

 

So I mentioned it to the guy and he said ok. He would look into the travel. I told my DH. He blew up and said I was up to no good. I was trying to book the travel without him... which was not true. Just the guy had to book my travel and my Dh would have to book his own. He said no. I was plotting something weird. That he had to go on same plane or else.

 

Then he said that he should have just said that if I was gonna go (which I said no to in beginning, regardless!) he should have just said no go on your own. But said instead I was trying to frame him!

 

I said frame you??? I didn't even accept the invite and I didn't even tell him about it!

 

He says I have strange agendas and clearly try to set him up.

 

That is text book abuse.

[BaileyB]

It's all text book abuse. He is a classic abuser.

 

The question is - how long are you going to let him continue to threaten you?

[CarrieT]

So I mentioned it to the guy and he said ok. He would look into the travel. I told my DH. He blew up and said I was up to no good. I was trying to book the travel without him... which was not true. Just the guy had to book my travel and my Dh would have to book his own. He said no. I was plotting something weird. That he had to go on same plane or else.

OP, you have now come to the conclusion that you ARE being abused.

 

And it is slightly ironic that you refer to him as "DH" which means "Dear Husband."

 

This guy is far from "dear" in anyone's book.

 

So the question is: How are you going to extricate yourself from this situation? How much more abuse are you going to put up with?

[grassisorisntgreener]

I am sincerely frightened for you. Please please move away. This man is going to seriously hurt you. You need to be far away, or near your family. You cannot stay married to him. You cannot. I say this as a woman. As a friend.

 

I hear your concerns about not knowing who you are or how to engage people, but that's okay. You can lead with that. That you are still learning who you are and how to communicate.

 

It's scary to feel co-dependent, even on someone who is wonderful. But it's so much worse to be that way with an abuser.

[turnera]

Your family will help you find yourself. Your family will help you learn to take care of yourself. Your family will help you remember that you are lovable and not the cause of all the pain in the world. Please go home to your family.

[pteromom]

 

He said I should go and he will go along. I said ...okay... I will check.

 

He blew up and said I was up to no good.

 

He said no. I was plotting something weird.

 

But said instead I was trying to frame him!

 

He says I have strange agendas and clearly try to set him up.

 

You are trying to defend yourself, why? His accusations are false. They aren't based in reality. You are trying to argue from a place of LOGIC and REASON and assumption of good intentions. He is arguing from a place of his need to control and confuse you. You'll never get on the same page.

 

You need out.

 

You have to understand that he has orchestrated your deep need of him and his approval. The fear you feel at the idea of living without him was PLANNED OUT. He's constructed that fear in you. It doesn't mean that the strong woman you are isn't still in there. And honey - it is time to let her out.

 

Calling the police will only escalate things. You don't want that. You want out. Calmly, without arguing about it. Pack your stuff, and go to your family. Tell them the things he has done. Ask them to help you be strong. Get into counseling (even consider an in-patient program since you will be cut off from him.)

 

Lastly - it doesn't matter at all what he says. Or his ex-wife. Or co-workers or friends. Or experts or authors or blogs. YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART that this is toxic for you. You know that you cannot spread your wings and fly in his cage. You are the one who controls your life. You deserve more than this. You deserve a man who is always kind and respectful and loving; a man who puts your best interests at least equal with his own.

 

He doesn't ALLOW you to go to a girls' lunch? Do you see how wrong that sounds? You are a partner, not his daughter. You are a woman.

[Anne5113]

Solidifythis, your post sounds like the last 3 years of my 14 year marriage. The marriage was toxic throughout but his insecurities shot through the roof and resulted in behavior very similar to your husbands. I'm so sorry for your loss & that a miscarriage resulted in his actions becoming clearly abusive & you are able to recognize it (I'm sure there was prior behavior that was questionable in your mind). Dreamingoftigers has given you the best advice to covertly make plans to leave and follow through while ensuring your safety. This WILL escalate to worsening physical abuse! While you are conditioned to accept the physical attacks that don't result in serious injury, you're getting emotionally & psychologically attacked daily. Whatever you find to give you strength to take steps to leave do it. Initially, a lot of what helped give me the courage was not wanting him to suffer the criminal consequences when he finally hurt me seriously enough or worse. I got dressed for work one morning, & had an emergency bag already packed. I didn't go to work, I followed my attorney's advice & filed a temporary order of protection. I have never been alone with him since.

[Shorty Shortison]

Did you get pregnent on accident?? I hope you use really good birth control, it would be child abuse to bring a kid into this, my mom had a husband like that, it was sick growing up around it. I blame her too for putting us thru it.

[William]

As it's been a number of days, we'll close this one up until the OP returns.

 

Solidifythis you may request this thread reopened via the ALERT US button on this post ~T